ClosetPoly
New member
Fears...
Bangel, I have just recently entered a poly-mono relationship where my wife has started a relationship with one of my best friends. She has felt poly for years, but have just recently admitted to herself and to me that she does in fact love someone else with the same intensity as she does me. I had very many of the same reactions you are having. And I still struggle, oh believe me, but I have already learned a few things:
- Why am I not enough for her? You ARE. Or rather, YOU are. You can be everything she needs from YOU, but not everything she needs in life. Noone can. And some people have the amazing gift to not only feel "like" and "appreciate" also intense love for another person. This does NOT mean you share her. I have still get that feeling over and over, and the only thing I can do to cope is to tell myself the truth. I do not SHARE her. She has two very distinct and separate compartments in her heart. I am in one, here OSO is in the other.
- Can you not choose to not love someone? Ask a parent of two or more kids, "who do you love the most? Pick one, give the other one away. You can only pick one." I think most people would consider that inhumane and cruel. At some point along the way, we lose the ability to feel this. We are programmed into monogamy.
Now, it seems you have had an extremely rough start, but I would highly recommend trying the following:
Tell your wife in a calm and positive manner that you don't understand her point of view, the concept of sharing her scares you, and you have flailed at her. Ask for her patience and tell her you love her.
Then, go get yourself a book. Not a computer, but a notebook and a pen, and start writing. If you are adept at writing on a computer, it won't help you. Start writing down how you feel, what scares you, and if you use the word "jealous", stop right there, and spend time examining what the word means. I bet you a cold beer you can replace it with "afraid" most of the time. There are some VERY wise people on this forum, listen to them. It has already helped me immensely.
And make peace with your friend. You'll need him. And he needs you. Your wife needs you too, but for every time you flail and confuse and scare her, you push her a little bit further away. If she is truthful about choosing you as her primary, if she IS really poly, this is terrifying for her too.
I have used rivers as an analogy to explain to my partner what I feel. I see her in front of me, and a river flows between us. It's deep and wide, warm and calm, yet can still be frothy and steaming. Between her and her OSO, in another direction, the river is churning, frothing, overflowing and intense....and narrow...and shallow... I know it's difficult to pull yourself away from that river, cause it looks more exciting, and yes, right now it IS, it's the new car smell. Live in the knowledge that it fades, that river will calm down too. It may, if you're lucky, merge partly with yours, or it might not. But trust in your own river, pour yourself into YOUR river, don't try to swim their river. You are not a part of it. Just remember to be a part of yours. And love yourself. You are not defined by her love for you, but by YOUR love for yourself!
When you have written all of this down, tidy your fears into wants and needs, what can you live with, do you trust yourself enough to trust your wife? What is the bigger picture? What does she want in the long run? Asking her what she wants in the long run, in a CALM setting, non-confrontary, non-sulking, can give you surprising answers...
*hugs*
Bangel, I have just recently entered a poly-mono relationship where my wife has started a relationship with one of my best friends. She has felt poly for years, but have just recently admitted to herself and to me that she does in fact love someone else with the same intensity as she does me. I had very many of the same reactions you are having. And I still struggle, oh believe me, but I have already learned a few things:
- Why am I not enough for her? You ARE. Or rather, YOU are. You can be everything she needs from YOU, but not everything she needs in life. Noone can. And some people have the amazing gift to not only feel "like" and "appreciate" also intense love for another person. This does NOT mean you share her. I have still get that feeling over and over, and the only thing I can do to cope is to tell myself the truth. I do not SHARE her. She has two very distinct and separate compartments in her heart. I am in one, here OSO is in the other.
- Can you not choose to not love someone? Ask a parent of two or more kids, "who do you love the most? Pick one, give the other one away. You can only pick one." I think most people would consider that inhumane and cruel. At some point along the way, we lose the ability to feel this. We are programmed into monogamy.
Now, it seems you have had an extremely rough start, but I would highly recommend trying the following:
Tell your wife in a calm and positive manner that you don't understand her point of view, the concept of sharing her scares you, and you have flailed at her. Ask for her patience and tell her you love her.
Then, go get yourself a book. Not a computer, but a notebook and a pen, and start writing. If you are adept at writing on a computer, it won't help you. Start writing down how you feel, what scares you, and if you use the word "jealous", stop right there, and spend time examining what the word means. I bet you a cold beer you can replace it with "afraid" most of the time. There are some VERY wise people on this forum, listen to them. It has already helped me immensely.
And make peace with your friend. You'll need him. And he needs you. Your wife needs you too, but for every time you flail and confuse and scare her, you push her a little bit further away. If she is truthful about choosing you as her primary, if she IS really poly, this is terrifying for her too.
I have used rivers as an analogy to explain to my partner what I feel. I see her in front of me, and a river flows between us. It's deep and wide, warm and calm, yet can still be frothy and steaming. Between her and her OSO, in another direction, the river is churning, frothing, overflowing and intense....and narrow...and shallow... I know it's difficult to pull yourself away from that river, cause it looks more exciting, and yes, right now it IS, it's the new car smell. Live in the knowledge that it fades, that river will calm down too. It may, if you're lucky, merge partly with yours, or it might not. But trust in your own river, pour yourself into YOUR river, don't try to swim their river. You are not a part of it. Just remember to be a part of yours. And love yourself. You are not defined by her love for you, but by YOUR love for yourself!
When you have written all of this down, tidy your fears into wants and needs, what can you live with, do you trust yourself enough to trust your wife? What is the bigger picture? What does she want in the long run? Asking her what she wants in the long run, in a CALM setting, non-confrontary, non-sulking, can give you surprising answers...
*hugs*
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