The Struggling Mono Thread

sage

New member
I'm starting this thread because I seem to keep almost hi-jacking KT's blog and I think there needs to be a place where mono behavior can be discussed openly without fear of upsetting anyone.

There seem to be a few people on here struggling with mono/poly relationships at the moment and the big "D" word comes up (D for Divorce).

For anyone considering it as a solution to a poly/mono problem here is what happened for us. Ironically here I'm mono, in my marriage I wanted to be poly (go figure that one).

I had a long marriage. The relationship latest in total 28 years. It ended when I fell in love with someone who was also married and was also in love with me. We both would have been happy to continue in our marriages and have our relationship as secondary but our spouses wouldn't allow it.

I left, J didn't and I wasn't prepared to carry on a relationship with a married man whose wife didn't support polyamory.

My husband went through a lot more hell at the time than I did. In many ways my NRE carried me through it. My suffering came later. But he remained adamant. He said that he wanted someone to love him the way I loved J and he wasn't content with the quiet, almost paternal love that I had for him.

It was a really tough time, there is no denying it and my youngest daughter, who was 17 at the time was badly affected, but she wasn't that great in herself even with us together.

My X was alone for a number of months, although not short of dates. I kind of helped him find a woman that I knew would be good for him. Over two years have passed and they are flying off to New York (a big deal from New Zealand) to get married next week. He is much, much happier with her than I could ever have made him.

My daughters are both fine too, even the younger one.

Things are probably still toughest for me out of anyone because financially things did take a bit of a tumble, but I have Z and really everything I asked for. The rest is up to me.

The X and I are no longer close, which is a bit sad but it's the way he wanted it. I hurt him a great deal trying to stay married to him for so long.

So to sum up I do think we sometimes hang onto things that aren't ideal because that we think the alternatives are just too scary. I think it's really important to work out if our decisions are based on love or fear. And that love has to be for ourselves not for our kids, our partner, our families, our finances or anyone, or anything else. That might sound selfish to some people but otherwise you are building a life on bs. I know I tried putting everyone else first for far, far too long. Once we start taking one step in the right direction everything falls into place and you look back and think "Wow did I really do that?"
 
Good idea for a thread Sage. I am not struggling at the moment, but there might be times in the future when I am so it will be a good place to vent.
 
Thanks Vodkafan. I'm not struggling either(yay for us)but I'm finding that things expressed in the mono blogs are bringing stuff up for me and I didn't realize until all the hoop-lah last week that they are a protected space. Now if I want to say something I can come here and say it without having to be too careful.
 
Sage-
You kick ass!
Good idea for a thread! I think your last paragraph is the key to living a good life. A LOT of people have other opinions-but I think you are dead right.
It's one of the points I am endlessly trying to make.

It's OK to find out that who you are isn't going to work with someone you love. But it's so not ok to build a life that is a lie for yourself. :(
If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust?

:)
 
Thanks LR, I've never thought of myself "kicking ass" before:D

Do you think it's just about trusting ourselves though? I agree that was an important element. It took me a long time to actually trust that my feelings were valid when I had a husband and friends telling me that they weren't. But it was also really important to believe in my ability to handle whatever happened as a result of my decisions. I was also continually told that I wouldn't be able to.
 
Sage,

I don't think it's ONLY about trusting ourselves.
But if we lie to ourselves and undermine ourselves-we can't trust ourselves.
If we can't trust ourselves we can't ever learn to trust someone else.
You know?

We have to be willing to be true to ourselves before we can be true to anyone else also.
;)

(JMHO)
 
We have to be willing to be true to ourselves before we can be true to anyone else also.
;)

(JMHO)

While I don't disagree, at all. I think there could be a caveat added to this point. There is a point when selfishness becomes prevalent when being true to yourself. At some point, you have to want to make selflessness a part of being true to yourself.

In that same breath, being selfless can be equally dangerous. Giving too much can become overwhelming because you have given up to much. While it is fine and good to be selfless, you do need to keep things for yourself. Communication, time, whatever it is. Giving up to much, can go over that line that can border on pushing away.

Both of these can create resentment, either in yourself or from your partner.

Finding that balance between being true to our own happiness AND to the happiness of our spouse is a balance that is where I see msot people having a problem. Sorry Sage, this isn't really a "mono struggling" point. This is just a relationship point.
 
Hi,
I'm glad that your current relationship is happier. Also, thanks for the kind messages when I was going through a hard time. (You'd think not having a job would be a hard time - but for now, really not).
 
Sage you are kick ass! Proactive! And always on the search for new discoveries! That is awesome.
Starting this thread is a great idea! You are one of the better communicators on here- by that I mean YOU LISTEN, you empathize,sympathize and you synthesize. Even when you don't agree you are not opposed to debate or furthering a point. Sometimes (unless one is only on here for venting) you do need to hear all sides of an issue- especially if it is your own issue. You have always been ready for the exchange and that is healthy. I have learned from you so much not only about monos in my life (for most of my life that is all I have known) but more importantly how important getting over that initial hump of discovering who I am and what I want. You have helped me accept me for me- a struggle I have as poly. Letting go of guilt and shame and being a better communicator of my needs/wants.
Good job for thinking to start this thread. I will read it often I am sure.
 
Thanks for all your responses.
Fundamentally I have come to believe that poly (including mono/poly) relationships are just like any other but maybe on steroids?

I get the "delicate balance" but maybe as women we are programmed by society to be selfless because that is what makes a "good woman"? I don't know maybe that is a generational thing and is changing. My mother was a certainly a passive- aggressive doormat and I became the same thing.

For me I could never create the delicate balance with my husband because the underlying emotion base was not healthy. With Z I wanted to give too much because the emotional base has always been really healthy. His being poly has shown me I can't give more than I'm capable of coping with and that's OK. My accepting his poly, has helped him not to feel like a freak. We were even able to have a rational discussion about it all with my daughter last night.

Really, really great to have you back MG. I hope this thread can be used for polys struggling with monos too. Not all of us want a protected space. Some of us like wild and free debate.
 
I finally thought of something that might be helpful to other struggling monos. A few weeks back I came to a realisation that was like a light bulb coming on. It was:

My wife is not responsible for the whole of my happiness or unhappiness.

This really did help me a lot.
 
You all may not be struggling, but I am.....

I am very glad to have found this board, and advice and insight I have received already has helped tremendously. I have at least identified from where some of my insecurity stems, and am (i think) doing a better job at searching for the root of my issues.

Right now though, I am emotional and hurting. B is off at Blizzcon in Los Angeles with her other, and having a great time. I went with last year with she and her first other, and made her miserable, because I was bored and wnadered off a lot.
So, when we discussed me going again this year, B pointed out that the tickets were sold out. Fair enough.
I rememebred the reason I didn't go earlier today, after chatting with B about how she snuck P in because he didn't have a ticket

Intellectually, I know that it makes sense for her to not want me to be there and drag her down, and truly I can think of things I'd rather do than be at a convention about World of Warcraft.
I'm just having a hard time being the old worn out stuffed rabbit, sitting on the shelf while she plays with her new shiny RC car she got for her birthday, you know?

Doesn't help that to keep her happy over the last 7 years, I basically torpedoed my social life, so all I have to do while she is out is watch the kids.

Shit. I'm a mess.
 
So, what do you do when you aren't envious, jealous, or angry?

Simply sad, lonely, and feeling isolated?

"Get a hobby"
:(
 
Intellectually, I know that it makes sense for her to not want me to be there and drag her down, and truly I can think of things I'd rather do than be at a convention about World of Warcraft.
I'm just having a hard time being the old worn out stuffed rabbit, sitting on the shelf while she plays with her new shiny RC car she got for her birthday, you know?

It's probalby not that she doesn't want you there, but that she knows you would be misserable if you did go and therefore so would everyone else. I was actually relieved that my husband had someone that was willing to go to all the BORING stuff that I absolutely hated.

Doesn't help that to keep her happy over the last 7 years, I basically torpedoed my social life, so all I have to do while she is out is watch the kids.

Quick, send the rescue crew after your social life. I did this, but not because it made my husband happy, but because he was so busy doing his thing, I felt I had no choice. The problem was that he knew I would be there to take care of the kids, so he volunteered for more stuff, while I turned stuff down because I knew he wouldn't be home on that night. I tend to be a bit of a hermit/homebody anyway and will use any excuse to stay home. This gave me an excuse, but looking back I found that I had distanced myself from friends and I wasn't happy not having a social life. It wasn't my husbands fault, but MINE. I let it happen and it was up to me to fix it. It's still a work in progress.
 
.....but looking back I found that I had distanced myself from friends and I wasn't happy not having a social life. It wasn't my husbands fault, but MINE. I let it happen and it was up to me to fix it. It's still a work in progress.


This is why I am happy to have landed here. 3 Days ago, I was envious of the time B was spending with P. It is because of insight like this that I realized I wasn't unhappy because she was with him, but because she WASN'T with me. This bothers me because I have pushed all my friends away, and now I am lonely without her, because She has a life, and I don't.
Not her fault. Not P's fault. MINE. I broke my own toys. Now I have to fix them.
 
This is why I am happy to have landed here. 3 Days ago, I was envious of the time B was spending with P. It is because of insight like this that I realized I wasn't unhappy because she was with him, but because she WASN'T with me. This bothers me because I have pushed all my friends away, and now I am lonely without her, because She has a life, and I don't.
Not her fault. Not P's fault. MINE. I broke my own toys. Now I have to fix them.

You are getting there MyotherB. PM me any time you need any extra support- I was where you are now only a few weeks back.
 
The strangest thing just happened. Here I was, sitting and staring at Facebook, trying to not feel sorry for myself. The the phone rang. It was B, and she had me on speakerphone. P was there, as well as 3 of her other friends that she is hanging with this weekend.
So I sat and talked non-sense, laughed, and got the opportunity to display the fun and charismatic me to her friends and P. We carried on for almost an hour, making fun of guys with bad pickup lines that tried to hit on B last night, guys with shriveled testicles (of which I am a member :p ) and be generally rowdy and obnoxious. Together. From 1600 miles away.

Even when she is with P and her friends, she thought of me. B didn't have to include me tonight. I never asked her to, or give her reason to think she should.
She is amazing, and our relationship is strong. I love her completely. She is having a great time, and she is gonna Rawk P's world tonight once she gets him alone.

I couldn't be happier. Well, I could have a friend to share all this with in person, instead of a computer monitor, but I have faith that I can make friends here, and IRL too. Said SNeacail
It's still a work in progress.

I can make this work. I'm happy to be here. Thank whoever is running this clown factory of a world for giving me a place to run to. For tonight, at least, I struggle no more.
 
It's great when they surprise you like that. :D
 
Yay for you MyotherB.

I am so pleased things are going well. It is so important for us monos to post the positives as well as the struggles. We are essentially a micro niche within a micro niche and things can get very lonely. Polys can post about their wonderful times but what are our wonderful times? Sometimes it's hard to find them; sometimes all they seem to be is the "not being crap times". So we must start for ourselves finding and sharing the times with our partners that are great. I was uplifted by your posts and I'm grateful, thankyou.

@Vodkafan, you are such a sweet man and you remind me that mono men too work hard to keep their poly/mono relationships in good health.
 
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