He flips out when we try to be alone together

KerrBear

New member
My husband has been unhappy and has had some bursts of anger towards my bf. I only get to see my boyfriend on weekends and usually only for a 24 hour period. I have only gotten two times to be completely alone with him, otherwise my husband is always present. I desperately want and need alone time with my boyfriend.

At first, we were not allowed to talk on the phone with each other. I am now allowed to but grudgingly. My bf and I are both gamers and we talk through the ps3 with Bluetooth and a cam. This way, I get to hear him and see him and I love it. But my husband got totally pissed off by this and stormed out of the house, called my bf while I was cam chatting with him so I saw and heard the whole ordeal from my bf's perspective. He said nothing to my husband but "Hey, buddy." but put the phone up to the mic so I could hear and my husband sure gave him an ear full.

I don't know how to make this better. My husband has expressed that he is not wanting me to leave my bf and even encouraged us to stay together when I was pissed off and decided it would be better if I just abandoned the whole thing. My husband realized that I would be terribly unhappy and, as he works with my bf, it would really not solve anything at all.

My husband has since apologized to me and my bf for flipping out on my bf (this has happened a few times at this point) but I'm not allowed to have any alone time with my bf. Last night, I spent all evening with my family and my husband. My husband went to sleep and i stayed up late like I always do. I woke up my bf so I could cam chat with him because I missed him terribly. While cam chatting with him for the second time ever, my husband wakes up and has to sit there and watch us like he's chaperoning. Ugh!

I wish I could find him a gf so he wouldn't be acting like this. . . How do I get him to stop and realize that I do still love him? That he gets me all week long and I only want to see and talk to my bf? That we do need some alone time together. . .
 
He sounds completely incapable of trusting you. He either is mono or overly controlling. How about moving your relationship forward by attempting to ignore his presence. Maybe he will grow bored or uncomfortable once he realizes that your relationship with your boyfriend has absolutely nothing to do with him.
 
You need to seek marriage counseling. I have a feeling hubby is not ok with you and your boyfriend. He is just playing a long. And something truly ugly could be on the horizon.

If you want to keep your husband are you going to be able to take a step back from your boyfriend and work on your marriage.
 
Being the man on the other side (the husband) he is playing along because he loves you, but he is resentful that his loved forced him into the position. He is in a lot of pain.
 
I agree with SSmith and I'm also a mono husband to a poly wife. This is not "I'm ok with polyamory" behavior, this is extremely upset behavior.

Counseling would be a good idea, communication is an absolute must right now! If things are too intense for face to face, maybe writing letters? Wife and I had to do that at times to give ourselves time to cool down and not just lash out back and forth.
 
Here is some background information on what is going on.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44205

I initially made the rule of no phone calls because he had been talking to a girl he had just had a casual encounter with and I liked reading the text messages. They were hot to read and it was a game for us.

I found out he was calling her and I wanted to know what they were talking about. At first, he didn't really like that rule because he liked talking to her and thought it was a silly rule. It was never really enforced because they just stopped texting and talking soon after. Not because of me, but mostly because my husband isn't a big texter and I don't think the two of them clicked much outside of sex.

Fast forward and I wanted to talk on the phone well after we had been texting for weeks and even after we had physically met for the first time and were together. My husband didn't like that I was actually physically talking to him because it took the thrill of reading the text messages away.

Now I realized why he wanted to chat on the phone but even then, mine was different because my boyfriend isn't just a sex partner. I actually have feelings for him and we really wanted to hear each other to help get us by.

I'm also trying really hard to curb my desire to be with my bf every weekend. The video chatting will help my boyfriend and I float by to a time when we can have a weekend together without my husband getting upset by it because there is not enough time for him. . .

When the three of us play together, we are happy. I don't really think my husband is mono, seeming he has a desire for other women. This is why we are/were swingers. He actually really loves watching me be with another man and has never had an issue before. This is just different because I love my bf and he's also having issues with the guy being his co-worker. I don't really understand completely why this is such a big deal to him, but he's explained it that it's because he has to look at the guy all day long and think about it. . . "That I'm married to him more than you. That I only get six hours of freedom from him when I go to sleep," hubby's quote.

I don't really even consider myself a swinger anymore. I did not find what I was looking for in it. I found my boyfriend out of my actions as a swinger but now I have no desire at all of being with anyone else other than him and my husband. .

As for counseling, I'm not sure if this is necessary right now. My husband and I still communicate. I am sharing all this with him right now. I have nothing to hide from him and I don't hide things from him at all. We really do talk a lot and we don't really fight much either. This is why he is screaming at my bf and not me. . .

Right now, I think my husband needs to learn how to change his thinking because he's suffering by his over thinking. It's not really anything me and my bf have done, it's his mind that is messing with him. I think he knows this as he has admitted it to the most part but still wants to blame me or more so blame my bf. He doesn't really trust HIM very much but he says he does trust me.

Anyway, I'm not too sure what will come about. My husband is not a violent guy. He vents and then he's moved on from it mostly.

At work, the two of them are friendly but my bf does get on his nerves sometimes. Mostly because he's a rather eccentric character and my husband is more down to earth, so they have a personality crash from time to time. He even thinks he's a "Goofball" and my bf certainly can be at times. . .

Sigh. I don't want to hurt my husband but I don't know how to turn the feelings I have for my bf "off". Frankly, I don't really want to either. I am really happy right now and my heart feels so full. That doesn't mean I'm not caring of my husband's feelings either. That's why I'm here trying to figure out how to make him feel better while keeping what I need as well.
 
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Is he having trouble with the move from swinging to relationship? Maybe the change scares him.

Maybe he thought casual sex was/is ok but developing feelings wasn't what he thought it would be and is now wishing it could be back to swinging again.

Can you put your bf on hold or leave things as they are or even step back a bit until your hubby can work through his issue? I know its not what you want to do but if its what you need to do are you willing to do it?
 
"still wants to blame me or more so blame my bf"

Blame you for what? What is it that's making him so upset, exactly? Can he articulate it?
 
I agree with SSmith and I'm also a mono husband to a poly wife. This is not "I'm ok with polyamory" behavior, this is extremely upset behavior.

Counseling would be a good idea, communication is an absolute must right now! If things are too intense for face to face, maybe writing letters? Wife and I had to do that at times to give ourselves time to cool down and not just lash out back and forth.

Nothing has ever been too intense for us to talk face to face. We rarely ever fight and when we do, it's usually never screaming and stomping around. We mostly just sit down and talk about things. The problem is, my husband sometimes beats around the bush what is okay and what is not. He says it's okay to do one thing and then acts like he was never okay with it to begin with. It's very confusing. . .

We all three have sat down and talked about things but husband continues to be upset.

Also, my husband is not mono. (He reads my posts and agrees that he is not mono and doesn't want that for our marriage). We are swingers and became swingers when I caught him in bed with another woman a year after we were married. Even before we were married, he has expressed wanting a more open marriage. Now that I've embraced it, he's feeling the backlash of it.

It's probably a pretty sucky feeling. Probably pretty similar to what I was feeling when I caught him and had to change my way of thinking so that I could keep my marriage and my mind. I had to learn to be in an open marriage. Now the tables have turned a bit and things have changed. Now he (and granted all three of us) have to learn how to be in a poly relationship. My husband is just much more vocal about his changing than I was. . .
 
Can you put your bf on hold or leave things as they are or even step back a bit until your hubby can work through his issue? I know its not what you want to do but if its what you need to do are you willing to do it?

What does it mean? I know I can't just stop loving him. I did read this to him and he wants us to "pull back the reins a bit". I don't know how to do this or what this even means. He is okay with us going out sometimes but is not specific about when.

He is more okay with him coming over here so my husband is there to watch. This is okay and we have fun with this, but we really would like our alone time too. Husband says we have our entire lives to do that but eventually my bf is going to want to find a wife and I'm not going to be as important to him. I want to enjoy our love when it's young and fresh but I don't want to hurt my husband either. . .

Is he having trouble with the move from swinging to relationship? Maybe the change scares him.

Maybe he thought casual sex was/is ok but developing feelings wasn't what he thought it would be and is now wishing it could be back to swinging again.

He's mostly just taken aback by how quickly I developed emotions for him. I'm the first woman my husband has ever loved, but I have been in love a few times before. I understand that love happens very quickly for me but I don't necessarily fall in love easily. Just that when it does happen, it's fast and hard.

My husband also fell in love with me quickly, but he's not really understanding how this would work for me and someone else.
 
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"still wants to blame me or more so blame my bf"

Blame you for what? What is it that's making him so upset, exactly? Can he articulate it?

Okay, so at work my husband approached my boyfriend and told him that he would like to have a weekend with just us and the kids. Apparently, my boyfriend agreed to this. He also brought this up to me that he wanted a weekend just to ourselves.

Now, I took this as I needed to make sure I make extra time with my husband. We do get each other all evening as a family and I honestly have only seen my boyfriend once a week since we've started the relationship.

That weekend, we did go out. My bf and I both asked if it was okay if we did. He did not say no but was really ticked off that we went. We found that out after we had gone and come back though. This is when my husband flipped out and called my bf "two faced". . .

It's not like I'm not trying to express my love for my husband, either. Tonight, we got rid of the kids and went and had a dinner. He even told my bf to stop texting me for the evening because we were out together. This weekend, I'm going to go fishing with my husband. I won't see my bf till next week and it sucks cause I want to but I have to wait.

He's also taking it that I'm thinking he's terrible when I want to go off and be with my bf. I have tried over and over again to reassure him this is not why I'm with my bf. I just really want to see my bf and has nothing at all to do with him or me being mad at him or feeling he can't provide for me. I don't hate him, I'm not mad at him. I think he's an amazing husband that provides for his family. I'm here trying to figure stuff out because I still love him and want for him to be happier about the situation.
 
He's mostly just taken aback by how quickly I developed emotions for him. I'm the first woman my husband has ever loved, but I have been in love a few times before. I understand that love happens very quickly for me but I don't necessarily fall in love easily. Just that when I do happen, it's fast and hard.

My husband also fell in love with me quickly, but he's not really understanding how this would work for me and someone else.

I think that different people experience "falling in love" quite differently and it is hard to imagine it happening a different way.

I have "fallen in love" twice in my life (and I am 39) - once with my husband and once with my boyfriend. But I resist it the whole time...:D

My husband and my boyfriend have both had other loves before me and have "broken up" with people despite still loving them. A concept that I find fascinating - I understand that people do "break up" and that they may still love or NOT love their prior partners but...it has never happened to me, so it is hard to internalize. (Both the idea of NOT being in a relationship with someone that you still love AND the idea of no longer being in love with someone that you once did love.)

No point here...just some random reflections.

JaneQ
 
Hmm, ok, actually I'd be pretty pissed off in your husband's position too. He stated his need very clearly -- a weekend to yourselves. That's pretty unambiguous, and also not at all unreasonable. Just one weekend. You agreed to it. He actually took the step of checking in with both of you about it, even though really it should have been fine just to confirm with you (you could then communicate to bf).

In a way, whether he meant it consciously or unconsciously, this could be seen as a test... he may well have been thinking "I'm feeling less special now that my wife has a boyfriend. A weekend to ourselves would make me feel special and solve this problem. I'll ask for that. If they give it to me, it means that I'm still special to my wife, that my needs matter and will be respected, and that if I'm promised something, they will keep their word."

Then, when you and your bf asked for time that weekend, you flunked the test, and all his insecurities just became worse than before. He said yes because he was either too angry or too sad (or both) to, argue, but it seems clear that this hurt his feelings, possibly badly. And I can totally understand why.

I would sit down with him, apologize for the weekend incident, promise him a different weekend to make up for it (ideally as soon as possible), and ask him if there's anything else he needs to feel safe.

However, while I'm clearly on his side on this particular issue, many things about his behavior aren't ok and need to be addressed. Calling your boyfriend to yell at him -- really really not ok. Saying he is fine with poly, but then monitoring your interactions with your bf and refusing to accept any alone time is not ok. Ask him how he'd feel if he was trying to develop a relationship with a woman and you treated her/them this way. Explain to him that these behaviors HAVE to stop if he really wants this open marriage to work.

Hopefully, these two things will work hand in hand -- you taking the time and care to find out his needs and meet them, and him learning to be less of a jerk. Whereas the idea that finding him a gf will solve the problems is, I think, false -- it'll likely just being up a whole set of new ones, while leaving the old ones unresolved. So, here's hoping you can resolve them now!
 
Hmm, ok, actually I'd be pretty pissed off in your husband's position too. He stated his need very clearly -- a weekend to yourselves. That's pretty unambiguous, and also not at all unreasonable. Just one weekend. You agreed to it. He actually took the step of checking in with both of you about it, even though really it should have been fine just to confirm with you (you could then communicate to bf).

In a way, whether he meant it consciously or unconsciously, this could be seen as a test... he may well have been thinking "I'm feeling less special now that my wife has a boyfriend. A weekend to ourselves would make me feel special and solve this problem. I'll ask for that. If they give it to me, it means that I'm still special to my wife, that my needs matter and will be respected, and that if I'm promised something, they will keep their word."

Then, when you and your bf asked for time that weekend, you flunked the test, and all his insecurities just became worse than before. He said yes because he was either too angry or too sad (or both) to, argue, but it seems clear that this hurt his feelings, possibly badly. And I can totally understand why.

I would sit down with him, apologize for the weekend incident, promise him a different weekend to make up for it (ideally as soon as possible), and ask him if there's anything else he needs to feel safe.

However, while I'm clearly on his side on this particular issue, many things about his behavior aren't ok and need to be addressed. Calling your boyfriend to yell at him -- really really not ok. Saying he is fine with poly, but then monitoring your interactions with your bf and refusing to accept any alone time is not ok. Ask him how he'd feel if he was trying to develop a relationship with a woman and you treated her/them this way. Explain to him that these behaviors HAVE to stop if he really wants this open marriage to work.

Hopefully, these two things will work hand in hand -- you taking the time and care to find out his needs and meet them, and him learning to be less of a jerk. Whereas the idea that finding him a gf will solve the problems is, I think, false -- it'll likely just being up a whole set of new ones, while leaving the old ones unresolved. So, here's hoping you can resolve them now!

Thank you! This was really good advice. We are going to have a weekend to ourselves this weekend because we are going trout fishing. I think the only reason why we didn't obey him right then on that weekend is because I was looking more for a positive "no" from him and because I did really want to see my boyfriend and was being selfish.

I admit that but I haven't fallen in love in a really long time and I had only had honestly ONE encounter with my boyfriend at this point where I was completely alone with him. I needed alone time with my boyfriend. Just to make sure that what I was feeling was real, cause I was surprised by my love for the boyfriend but also NRE. Like super NRE.

My husband has also been reading everything I have posted. He doesn't always like what he reads, but I'm just using it as a good opportunity to express myself more clearly than just talking about it, but we do that a lot as well. I'm just a natural writer. :)

He also thinks this is sound advice and that you "hit the nail on the head."

I'm hoping that spending this weekend with him will allow him to get over his feelings enough to let me and my boyfriend have a nice weekend together ALONE and he won't get butt hurt about it. Cause him feeling upset about it zaps all the fun out of what I'm feeling with my boyfriend.
 
Well, it would seem there is a reason many couples have a "no co-workers" guideline/rule.


The language you use in talking about this really stands out to me. You mention "being allowed to" do certain things and "disobeying" your husband. You make it seem like he's your boss or father and you are trying to get away with what you can, like a kid. I think you need to adjust your perspective and come at this like two equals. He isn't your boss. He isn't your parent.

In reality, you two are partners and each of you make your own choices. All you can do is come to agreements and stick to them, but agreeing is something you both choose to do. You are both individuals. It sounds like hubby keeps making up new rules as he gets uncomfortable with things, and since you see him as in charge, you either go along with it or rebel against him. That is not a partnership! I get a sense there is a lot of emotional chaos in your dynamic. It seems rather turbulent to me, and that may have to do with not having clear guidelines nor enough respect for each other's autonomy.

I think you and hubby need to sit down, as two equals, and get really clear on boundaries and be willing to compromise. Use some of Tristan Taormino's lists as a guide: Free Downloads from Opening Up
 
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I think the only reason why we didn't obey him right then on that weekend is because I was looking more for a positive "no" from him and because I did really want to see my boyfriend and was being selfish.

Is this a recognition of where you went wrong or an explanation of why what you did is understandable and acceptable?

If he'd given you a more positive NO, would you then say he's controlling you?
 
My husband Butch made a good point when I was all lost in NRE over my boyfriend Murf. He was having an issue with me "spending too much time" with Murf. I pointed out he got 70/30 or 60/40 of my time during the week depending on things like work schedules. Which was true BUT my husband was stuck sharing my time with the kids and household crap. He was not getting the quality time with me that Murf was. Plus I was pining for Murf when we were apart want to talk with him and etc. It hurt my husband he wanted my undivided attention without having to compete with anyone else.

Your husband need his time. No token moments given just to shut him up. You need to shut off the cell phone stay off the gaming system and spend some quality alone time with him.
 
Is this a recognition of where you went wrong or an explanation of why what you did is understandable and acceptable?

If he'd given you a more positive NO, would you then say he's controlling you?

No. I've never said he controls me. I would have taken it that no meant he wanted THAT weekend to himself. The way I took him asking for a weekend that he needed a weekend soon, not THAT weekend because he did not specify. If he would have specified when we asked if bf and I could go out that weekend, we wouldn't have gone out and would have rescheduled for a following weekend. That didn't happen. He never told me no. He never called the whole time I was gone. He didn't get angry until he found out that my bf bought me dinner and then he got pissed about him buying me dinner. . .

Actually, I've never thought about him being controlling at all until others here suggested it. . .
 
My husband Butch made a good point when I was all lost in NRE over my boyfriend Murf. He was having an issue with me "spending too much time" with Murf. I pointed out he got 70/30 or 60/40 of my time during the week depending on things like work schedules. Which was true BUT my husband was stuck sharing my time with the kids and household crap. He was not getting the quality time with me that Murf was. Plus I was pining for Murf when we were apart want to talk with him and etc. It hurt my husband he wanted my undivided attention without having to compete with anyone else.

Your husband need his time. No token moments given just to shut him up. You need to shut off the cell phone stay off the gaming system and spend some quality alone time with him.

He does get quality time. My bf and I have only had two encounters where we had quality alone time since I've met him. Every other time, my husband has been present to watch and engage. It really pisses my bf off because he feels like when he comes over and my husband is there, it's all about sex and that's NOT what he wants. Neither is it what I want but my husband calls my bf a MUTT and starts demanding him around like he's beneath him. Which gets kind of old for him because at work, my husband IS his boss.

My husband and I stay up late and watch movies a lot. We just went out for dinner and spent the evening together. I even told my bf to stop texting for the evening. This weekend, we are going trout fishing together, just my husband and I. I'm really trying hard to give him my undivided attention, but I want "rewarded" (Because that's honestly what it feels like I'm pinning for) to having some quality time with my bf too!
 
Well, it would seem there is a reason many couples have a "no co-workers" guideline/rule.


The language you use in talking about this really stands out to me. You mention "being allowed to" do certain things and "disobeying" your husband. You make it seem like he's your boss or father and you are trying to get away with what you can, like a kid. I think you need to adjust your perspective and come at this like two equals. He isn't your boss. He isn't your parent.

In reality, you two are partners and each of you make your own choices. All you can do is come to agreements and stick to them, but agreeing is something you both choose to do. You are both individuals. It sounds like hubby keeps making up new rules as he gets uncomfortable with things, and since you see him as in charge, you either go along with it or rebel against him. That is not a partnership! I get a sense there is a lot of emotional chaos in your dynamic. It seems rather turbulent to me, and that may have to do with not having clear guidelines nor enough respect for each other's autonomy.

I think you and hubby need to sit down, as two equals, and get really clear on boundaries and be willing to compromise. Use some of Tristan Taormino's lists as a guide: Free Downloads from Opening Up

Hmm, interesting. I guess I've never thought of him as controlling before but I guess he is being that way as there are a number of people saying they see this.

My husband and I don't yell and scream and fight. We rarely fight and we talk a lot about things. But yes, his rules do keep changing and it's so hard to follow them and sometimes it's unrealistic and I don't WANT to rebel against him at all but I have needs and wants too. . .

This link will help with the "yes you can" "wait, that didn't make me feel good, now you can't unless you do this first." type things that he's been doing with my boyfriend and I.
 
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