She Acts Like I'm Crazy

dgmon174

New member
Hi all,

Really happy to find this site. Hopefully I can connect with some of you and continue to learn about myself.

About me: 29 yr old cis male that grew up in a relatively traditional household. Through a former girlfriend, I discovered the world of kink and BDSM and oh boy. I have now been a dom for the past 6 years and have had some great experiences, relationships and connections.

I have dated multiple partners at the same time but outside the boundaries of a defined relationship (just friends, or just play partners). I find that when I develop feelings for someone I do not like to share them either physically or emotionally.

What ends up happening for me when I’m dating multiple women is that one eventually becomes more serious and the others slowly fade into the background. After that I switch to a 100% monogamous relationship. I am very open in all my interactions and never hide the fact that I’m seeing multiple women. Again, once I’m in a relationship, I am with that person only, and expect the same.

I met this girl online a couple months back and at the time, we were both seeing other people. We eventually met in person, started to see each other more regularly, and entered a dom/sub relationship. At the time we met, she had told me that she identified herself as polyamorous and that she did not see dating a single person. I didn’t care at the time because we weren’t really dating.

When I noticed her getting more serious, I brought up the fact that she was poly, and how this was a deal breaker for me in a committed relationship. She assured me time and time again that she did not feel the need to be with anyone else and that she felt fulfilled with me in every way. She even said she was reconsidering polyamory and if that’s what she wanted at all. She did say that she couldn’t make any promises about this changing in the future, to which I replied I couldn’t promise to stay with her if this happened.

Since meeting her, I have become more open to the idea of polyamory, and have read plenty of articles about the subject. Fast forward a couple more months, and we are now boyfriend and girlfriend. We both stopped seeing other people, and have been 100% monogamous for the last 3 months. She recently brought up the idea of having an open relationship. Not polyamory, but what I’ve heard being defined as a polysexual relationship, where the two partners only have sex with other people but are otherwise in a monogamous relationship. I am highly against this. I don’t particularly want to have sex with other people, and I don’t even like casual sex. I find sex more fulfilling when it’s done with someone you have a connection with that is beyond physical, even if you are not in a committed relationship with them, and this is something that takes time to build.

I told her that I may be open to the idea of her having sex with other men, if I had another girlfriend. My rationale here is that if I’m not committed 100% to her, and dedicating all my energy, time and attention to just her, then maybe it won’t bother me as much if she wants to occasionally spend the night with someone else. Her response to this was very unexpected.

She was angry and heartbroken and wouldn’t stop crying. She accused me of not loving her enough and could not comprehend how it would be even possible for me to consider being in a relationship with someone else. This is coming from someone who when we met, told me she had been polyamorous for years. She now says she no longer feels polyamorous since she met me, and only wants to be with me and build a relationship with me. She simply wants to have the freedom to occasionally have casual sex with others. I want her to be happy but I want to be happy as well. What she is proposing does not work for me. Casual sex is extremely easy for women as opposed to men, and as I said before, I don’t like casual sex. Sex gets better the more you do it with the same person and learn each other’s bodies. For me attraction is also something that takes time to build. I’m different from most men in that regard. I seek intimacy before sex. What she is proposing would mean I would be reduced to the following four options.

1) Being a cuck (sorry if this offends anyone. I know some men who are into this and I’m not sure if that is the correct term). There is no way in hell I’m going to just sit home and wait while my sweetheart is out there getting pounded by some random guy and then coming home to me like nothing happened. Again, I understand some people are into this, but it’s just not my cup of tea. I find the idea alone repulsive.
2) I would somehow get to know someone, build a connection and enough attraction between the two of us. Get physical with them, have a wonderful time and then end it abruptly because my girlfriend would feel threatened by me continuing to see this person long term. That is if I manage to convince a woman to have sex with me under these conditions because let’s face it, who the hell wants that? Then repeat.
3) Go to some sex site and meet random girls off the internet to have one-night stands with (again, not into that)
4) Try my luck at the bars and clubs (which I don’t like and have no time for) possibly get rejected dozens of times, come back home with my self-esteem shattered, to find my freshly f***ed girlfriend smiling from all the attention she’s getting.

I want her to be happy and fulfill her needs but this situation does not work for me. I’m not even really interested in polyamory and only brought up a second girlfriend as a way to mitigate the impending jealousy, heartbreak and insecurity I will feel if she starts having sex with other men. I’m starting to think that the best option here is to put an end to the relationship since I don’t see this working in the long-run.

Is my idea so far fetched? Am I really such an a**hole for thinking it?

I appreciate your input.
 
Yes, you should break up. You are monogamous which is cool. She is not monogamous - which is also cool. And while sometimes mono-poly relationships can work fine, that isn't the case here.

You two are not compatible. Unfortunately that was obvious at the beginning but we don't always pay attention to things we don't want to at the beginning of a new relationship.
 
Hello dgmon174,

I'm with opalescent, it seems obvious that you and your girlfriend are not compatible. You would be open to polyamory, she just wants open/casual sex. You would be open to monogamy, she does not want that. As a rule I do not like suggesting a breakup, but in this case I am making an exception. Staying together with this woman would only hurt the both of you. Do the most loving thing: Let her go.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Breaking up is painful, I only suggest it because I think it would be less pain in the long run. The only alternative would be if she changed her mind about poly. Or if you changed your mind about casual sex. Not likely. And it doesn't have to be likely. It is fine for each of you to be who you are, right now.

Hopefully the posts here help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I want her to be happy and fulfill her needs but this situation does not work for me. I’m not even really interested in polyamory and only brought up a second girlfriend as a way to mitigate the impending jealousy, heartbreak and insecurity I will feel if she starts having sex with other men. I’m starting to think that the best option here is to put an end to the relationship since I don’t see this working in the long-run.

Is my idea so far fetched? Am I really such an a**hole for thinking it?

You are not an asshole for thinking that the best solution is to part ways since you don't see this working in the long run. I think you are assessing honestly. You have been honest all along with her about what you are and are not up for. You continue to do so.

She was angry and heartbroken and wouldn’t stop crying. She accused me of not loving her enough and could not comprehend how it would be even possible for me to consider being in a relationship with someone else. This is coming from someone who when we met, told me she had been polyamorous for years. She now says she no longer feels polyamorous since she met me, and only wants to be with me and build a relationship with me. She simply wants to have the freedom to occasionally have casual sex with others. I want her to be happy but I want to be happy as well. What she is proposing does not work for me.

Her getting upset? That's her issue. You haven't lied to her, you are trying to figure out how to make it work out. The thing is... you guys don't match.

She wants (you to be her serious BF with the option for casual sex on the side).

You want to either (date multiple people casually and nobody serious) or (have 1 serious GF, and nobody else.) These wants do not match and are not compatible.

If you want both people to be happy? Then you have to be happy apart. It cannot be happy together when things do not match.

You told her well ahead of time what your deal breakers are:

When I noticed her getting more serious, I brought up the fact that she was poly, and how this was a deal breaker for me in a committed relationship. She assured me time and time again that she did not feel the need to be with anyone else and that she felt fulfilled with me in every way. She even said she was reconsidering polyamory and if that’s what she wanted at all. She did say that she couldn’t make any promises about this changing in the future, to which I replied I couldn’t promise to stay with her if this happened.

So things are changing.

I think it is ok for you to follow through and part ways if the suggested changes are not something you want to participate in. It doesn't sound like you want this casual sex thing on the side. So... bow out.

Galagirl
 
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Well you obviously have some strong feelings about this (like viewing yourself as a cuck if your gf fucks somebody else), so it is probably best if you part ways. She seems to feel pretty strongly as well. Neither of you are right or wrong. Just not completely compatible.
 
Hi all,

1) Being a cuck (sorry if this offends anyone. I know some men who are into this and I’m not sure if that is the correct term). There is no way in hell I’m going to just sit home and wait while my sweetheart is out there getting pounded by some random guy and then coming home to me like nothing happened. Again, I understand some people are into this, but it’s just not my cup of tea. I find the idea alone repulsive.
2) I would somehow get to know someone, build a connection and enough attraction between the two of us. Get physical with them, have a wonderful time and then end it abruptly because my girlfriend would feel threatened by me continuing to see this person long term. That is if I manage to convince a woman to have sex with me under these conditions because let’s face it, who the hell wants that? Then repeat.
3) Go to some sex site and meet random girls off the internet to have one-night stands with (again, not into that)
4) Try my luck at the bars and clubs (which I don’t like and have no time for) possibly get rejected dozens of times, come back home with my self-esteem shattered, to find my freshly f***ed girlfriend smiling from all the attention she’s getting.

I tend to think that in a heterosexual relationship, setting up an "open" agreement leads to exactly the four situations you have described. It is a lot easier for women to find casual sex than it is for most men. For those concerned about an equitable relationship, it becomes anything but.

As others have said, I'd say you have radically different ideas about what makes a good relationship. Parting ways would be a good idea.
 
I tend to think that in a heterosexual relationship, setting up an "open" agreement leads to exactly the four situations you have described. It is a lot easier for women to find casual sex than it is for most men. For those concerned about an equitable relationship, it becomes anything but.

As others have said, I'd say you have radically different ideas about what makes a good relationship. Parting ways would be a good idea.

Well there are other outcomes. 5) You enjoy each other and not worry so much about what the other is doing. That is what worked for Cat and I.
 
The others have given you good advice, which is to end this relationship and go your separate ways.
I told her that I may be open to the idea of her having sex with other men, if I had another girlfriend. My rationale here is that if I’m not committed 100% to her, and dedicating all my energy, time and attention to just her, then maybe it won’t bother me as much if she wants to occasionally spend the night with someone else. Her response to this was very unexpected.
This was your first mistake but a common one. Not only do you not want “casual sex”, but you are under the correct assumption that it will be much easier for her to find. Her response should tell you all you need to know, which is her wants make your feelings meaningless
1) Being a cuck (sorry if this offends anyone. I know some men who are into this and I’m not sure if that is the correct term). There is no way in hell I’m going to just sit home and wait while my sweetheart is out there getting pounded by some random guy and then coming home to me like nothing happened. Again, I understand some people are into this, but it’s just not my cup of tea. I find the idea alone repulsive.
No need to apologize or explain. Anyone who tells you that more than a small percentage of men will be OK with watching her get dolled up to go out and get laid is full of crap. You are not in a minority here and your statement does not need to be rationalized.
2) I would somehow get to know someone, build a connection and enough attraction between the two of us. Get physical with them, have a wonderful time and then end it abruptly because my girlfriend would feel threatened by me continuing to see this person long term. That is if I manage to convince a woman to have sex with me under these conditions because let’s face it, who the hell wants that? Then repeat.
#2 is the great unknown . She is just as likely to build a connection and end your relationship if you cannot handle it since she is apparent;y more than willing to not give a dam on your feelings now.

3) Go to some sex site and meet random girls off the internet to have one-night stands with that)
You are not into #3, and I’ve got news for you. Any random sex site you go to will more than likely be populated by 10 or more men to women which if you just play the percentages has a high likelihood of leading you right to #4

4) Try my luck at the bars and clubs (which I don’t like and have no time for) possibly get rejected dozens of times, come back home with my self-esteem shattered, to find my freshly f***ed girlfriend smiling from all the attention she’s getting.
I have suggested this little experiment to others. You and your wifey head out to the hottest clubs you know a few times, wedding rings on and visable. Then see how many guys are not interested in her versus the number of women who tell you to get lost. Remember, we are playing percentages here.
Bottom line here, there is no way this is consensual non monogamy and your chances of making it work under those conditions are miniscule. Take the advice you have been given and move on.
 
Transitioning ?

"Transitioning back to mono and saving my marriage"


Do you mind sharing? Was it a similar situation to mine?
 
Yes, Break Up. Stat.

I actually literally JUST broke up with a monogamous woman I was dating. As other posters have said, mono/poly set ups CAN work, but they are extremely difficult. It actually sounds like the very idea of polyamory repulses you, so there's no way you'll ever even really respect who she is as a person, a huge part of who she is, much less allow her to be fulfilled in this way.

Take it from someone who just got out of a situation like this. I know people say it can work, and in some instances it can. In most, it cannot. End it. Good luck.
 
Dgmon

You can read my posts if you want to for any questions you may have, but this is about YOU , not me. You are not my husband, do not look like him, do not think like him, etc. Yes there are some similarities but more differences, one big one that you are not married with children for starters.

Let’s start and again dispel this “cuckold” thing. The fact is if you google “men’s fantasies”, one that will pop up on every list is to see their wife or girlfriend have sex with another man. But very few ever go through with it an a smaller percentage by far incorporate it into a long term committed relationship. Now remember, you are on a polyamory forum so yes I am sure gathered are folks here who are going to tell you this works great but remember, you are part of the real world. You have no desire to explore this so cuckold should not be in your vocabulary.

The reason people are telling you to split given your strong feelings on not being with someone who wants casual sex on the outside is because since she has already expressed to you that she will not make any assurances to you that she will not trample your feeling again, what are yours options.????

Your GF, by reacting the way she did, has through her actions, which are more important than words, told you that what most likely is in store for you is this
(1) she may grudgingly accept your decision and tell you she will not do this. But you will wake up every day wondering if her resentment will lead her to get her way by cheating on you. And remember, those that have only casual sex and do not become involved with others emotionally rarely get caught. Most books will tell you that ONS are rarely caught if they stay that.
(2) lets say you suck it up and try this, it is also likely since most women become emotionally involved if they enter into repeat sexual relationships even if they do not intend to. So when you say you cannot take the thought of her going out and getting “pounded” and then coming home all happy, how will you feel when going out and getting pounded becomes not coming home because she wants to spend the night with him, then proceeds to going away weeks ends, then wanting you to meet him, and then spending a percentage of time living with him. None of those might happen but ALL of them are possibilities and the first couple are highly likely. Now, you might get lucky and find someone to spend time with to take your mind off of this but what happens if that does not last.

All I am trying to do is make it clear to you , and responsible practitioners and proponents of all forms of non monogamy will verify if you read the literature, is that in ANY relationship of this type you are heading on a path that can destroy a relationship as well as help it and when one partner is no all in, you have low chances of success.

Now notice on here there is no mention of ME. That is because good advice to you will not be projecting what I did or believe on you but will lay out the options and possibilities and then YOU decide.

You cannot control your girlfriend, but as others have said you can control YOU. If you have any specific questions you can PM me .

Live your life the way you want to and you will be happy, not miserable trying to cope with a relationship style that is not acceptable to you.
 
Ok, this cuckold thing has been bugging me. Poly guys who's wives and girlfriends date other men are not cuckolds. The thought that they are comes from some societal patriarchal bullshit in which it is not considered manly to allow one's woman to fuck someone else. So the fact that the OP even considers it that says loads. He is nowhere near ready for any form of non-monogamy.

Quite frankly, I am surprised so many people took that at face value.
 
Ok, this cuckold thing has been bugging me. Poly guys who's wives and girlfriends date other men are not cuckolds. The thought that they are comes from some societal patriarchal bullshit in which it is not considered manly to allow one's woman to fuck someone else. So the fact that the OP even considers it that says loads. He is nowhere near ready for any form of non-monogamy.

Quite frankly, I am surprised so many people took that at face value.

I could be wrong (and the OP can correct me here), but I took his use of the word cuckold less literally than that... more as a metaphor for how he'd FEEL in such a situation (humiliated, degraded, jealous) because even if he "allowed" it (consented under duress), at heart, he doesn't actually WANT his girlfriend to be fucking other men.

Men who are into cuckoldry as a kink, often do it because they get off on feeling the jealousy, "shame" and humiliation of watching or knowing their wife/gf is having sex with other men. Because the OP specifically does NOT wish to feel that way, he used that term.
 
Vince, I hope you won't object, but I want to peel that quote off to start another thread.

You're correct: the term has been bandied about so often that I've "gone blind" to it. Thanks for calling my attention to the ramifications. :)
Feel free. I almost made it a separate post myself.
 
This

I could be wrong (and the OP can correct me here), but I took his use of the word cuckold less literally than that... more as a metaphor for how he'd FEEL in such a situation (humiliated, degraded, jealous) because even if he "allowed" it (consented under duress), at heart, he doesn't actually WANT his girlfriend to be fucking other men.

Men who are into cuckoldry as a kink, often do it because they get off on feeling the jealousy, "shame" and humiliation of watching or knowing their wife/gf is having sex with other men. Because the OP specifically does NOT wish to feel that way, he used that term.


Thank you.
 
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