"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policies: Merged threads/General discussion

you might want to do a bit of reading on here you and him... there are a lot of really great threads you can find in the stickies and tags that would answer some questions perhaps... do a tag search for jealousy for starters maybe.
 
Can DADTs become poly arrangements?

I have been with my partner for a little over 10 yrs. We currently have a DADT policy that I really don't like it. I have developed a close secondary outside relationship that I would like to pursue openly. Anyway, my partner overheard me talking about sex on the phone to my BF and he got upset. He basically stopped talking for a couple of days, but then came around. He hasn't said anything about the conversation other than I heard you the over night. He hasn't asked about this person or asked me to stop seeing this person.

So my question is, Is it likely for a DADT policy to become a poly relationship?
 
You are already IN a polyamorous relationship.

What you have is a DADT policy inside the polyship that you have outgrown on your end and now find annoying/stifling.

So you have to responsibly inform your partner that the DADT polcy has been outgrown on your side and it no longer meets your wants/needs/limits.

So a new thing is needed. So what is the new policy gonna be? Has partner's wants/needs/limits also changed over time? Where's the temperature at? What other ways could this be worked out? That's a big convo -- so can we just make an appt to start working on that on the calendar? So there's no disturbances/distractions and we have a nice clear block of time to really be together in conversation? Thanks, honey. Love ya!

Hopefully the appt time comes and over a few sessions of discussion a new policy/agreement emerges. (might take more than one appt)

So that for the next (year? something else?) you have a workable thing in place that serves to mutual satisfaction.

GG
 
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Oh OK... I never really considered a DADT relationship a poly relationship, because it's based on deception and poly relationships are open and honest. So I guess I just want more openness.
 
Oh OK... I never really considered a DADT relationship a poly relationship, because it's based on deception and poly relationships are open and honest. So I guess I just want more openness.


DADT isn't based on deception if the people involved have AGREED to DADT. It's only deceptive if one of you makes a unilateral decision to be DADT without discussing it with the other(s) involved. If one or both of you has a problem with the DADT status, that is not "deceptive", it's just someone agreeing to something and then deciding they don't like it after the fact.
 
Yes, DADT, if mutual, is acceptable in poly. It's not that your partner doesn't know you have other relationships or didn't consent to that and you're sneaking around; it's that you both agreed to keep your other relationships under the radar.

We've seen here that this is usually implemented when at least one partner either:

1.) is really uncomfortable with non-monogamy and doesn't want to look at the situation, but agrees to it because they feel powerless or that they have no choice anyway. "Just keep me out of it," they say;

2.) has an issue with a certain aspect of what their other partner wants from poly -- for example, the physical vs. the emotional. If they can shut their eyes to their partner's involvement with others completely, they can avoid accepting the full implications of what is going on and can pretend "it's only sex" or "it's only a friendship" or whatever; or

3.) is really okay with it but just do not want to know anything so that they can present a "picture-perfect" facade of monogamy to the public, friends, colleagues, and family without lying.

DADT usually seems focused on preserving a fantasy.

It sounds like your partner really doesn't feel comfy knowing what's going on, but if you are not comfy hiding everything, a request for renegotiation seems in order. People do change and comfort levels change.

If it were me, I would start by saying, "About that conversation of mine that you overheard - how do you feel about it? You seemed really upset, but you're not talking about how it affected you, and I think this is something we need to address. I don't want to see you hurting, but I don't think pretending everything is okay is good for us either. What's going on? Let's get it out in the open. Can we start looking at this DADT agreement and maybe consider some adjustments?" And then see where the convo leads... but the convo definitely seems necessary.
 
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Yes, DADT, if mutual, is acceptable in poly. It's not that your partner doesn't know you have other relationships or didn't consent to that and you're sneaking around; it's that you both agreed to keep your other relationships under the radar.

But in my case he doesn't want to know when I'm meeting him and I basically have to think of ulterior reasons to leave the house. He doesn't even want to know that they exist. So that's why I feel like it's deception.
 
But in my case he doesn't want to know when I'm meeting him and I basically have to think of ulterior reasons to leave the house. He doesn't even want to know that they exist. So that's why I feel like it's deception.

It is not deception unless YOU LIE. Why bother to lie when you have a policy in place?

Don't bother to think ulterior motives. How about just saying calmly "Don't ask. Don't tell, hon." And go on your way. It is what it is.

Let your partner deal with whatever emotion they feel as a result. This is the policy you have both agreed to, you can hold up your end of not telling too much by just invoking DADT.

Then it's on your partner to back off and not ask deeper and do their own emotional management.

GG
 
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Let your partner deal with whatever emotion they feel as a result. This is the policy you have both agreed to, you can hold up your end of not telling too much by just invoking DADT.

Then it's on your partner to back off and not ask deeper and do their own emotional management.

GG

What I gather from your posts is that your husband is putting it on you to do his emotional management. Thus why I quoted GG here.

My husband did the same sort of stuff.
He would ask (reasonable questions) that HE DID NOT WANT THE ANSWER TO.
For awhile I would make up the answers he wanted to hear, but lying made me nuts.
So, I started responding with "I don't believe lying is healthy in a relationship, do you want me to answer that question or not?"

A reminder for him that I wasn't going to give him a bullshit "make him feel safe" answer if he insisted on asking a question-I was going to give him the cold hard truth.

It took a few months of that for HIM to identify that he doesn't want to ask me about "how was your morning" cause the answer is going to pertain to my sex life with my bf.
But, he will now say "I hope you had a great morning". Acknowledging that he knows I was with bf and he's ok with that-just isn't into the details.

I suggest (highly) sitting him down and letting him know that monitoring his own emotions is his job and not yours-and that you aren't ok being a liar-so if he asks a question, he needs to ensure he is ready for the answer-regardless of what it may be.
IF he may not be interested in hearing the TRUE answer-then he need not ask.
 
Well I have been married for 3 years and I love my husband. I have always had a high sex drive and my husband has turned asexual. We have not had sex in a year. This has been very difficult for me and he knows it.

In July he decided to let me have permission and find someone else to satisfy my needs. I have never had casual sex before and I had only had sex with 3 people in my life. This was something new, exciting and scary for me.

My husband had 3 rules, it cannot be anyone he knows, that I always use protection and to never tell him about it. Basically act like there is nothing wrong.

I have no idea is this is considered poly or not. But that is my situation.

I told him that if he believed that having sex with another woman would help our marriage I am all for it. The same rules would apply.
 
My husband had 3 rules, it cannot be anyone he knows, that I always use protection and to never tell him about it. Basically act like there is nothing wrong.

I have no idea is this is considered poly or not. But that is my situation.

I hope you don't mind that I keep offering my opinion on your situation, but I had a thought in response to this. Polyamory is defined, as broadly as possible, as multiple loves. So, this is what I'd ask when thinking about whether your situation would be considered poly or not -- would your husband be upset if you had an emotional relationship with someone else as well as a physical one? You know that sex is ok, but is love? If yes, then yes I'd call it poly. If no, then I'd say you have an open marriage, but that it's not necessarily poly. Even if your situation is the latter, there still might be good stuff for you to learn from and contribute to the poly community, so it's by no means saying you shouldn't be here, just trying to think through this question.
 
Just a small little thing to be aware of; asexuality is an identity, like gay or lesbian. Its not something one turns into. Just adding that as an educational piece.

Good luck with your DADT. I haven't known it to work for loving relationships, but you never know... Maybe it will for you. I agree with AM. It sounds to me like you have an open relationship. Your are welcome to be here regardless of how you define yourself though.
 
Well maybe he is not asexual, I am not sure what it is. His sex drive is completely dead. He never liked anything too out there or even close. He doesn't like me to touch him or french kiss him. He is kinds disgusted by sex. At first he wasn't like this (I'm not sure if he was faking it or not) but, I have talked to his ex and he was always the latter with them.

I don't think he wants me to fall in love with anyone else. He is letting me go out because he knows I really miss sex and I am a very sexual person. He does it to not lose me and hoping it will make me happy.
 
In my experience there seems to be a point where information is leaked in some way either in the changes that occur because of sex and intimacy between two people (different ways of joking around, different ways of touching etc.) or when a text is seen by mistake or bumping into someone by mistake or smells on the person are different when they come home... Etc. what kind of safe guards do you two have for when this happens? How is he going to attempt to process the lack of information? Sometimes one's mind can run away with a person and sometimes it can be in denial until a flood gate of info comes through to change that... What if you fall in love? You say you haven't experienced casual sex, what if you are the sort that connects deeply with others when you have sex? What if the person you choice becomes more than a lay? Have you talked about that?
 
We haven't talked about all that. Thanks for bringing it up. My husband just gets uncomfortable when I bring up almost anything... I did ask him once "how about if I don't come back?" He just said well, you will have to take the chance or just not have sex... He says he can't guarantee that we will EVER have sex.

I did finally have casual sex with a hookup I had. We had sex 2 times. I was hoping that it would last more but I don't think it will. Why was I hoping this? Because I just dread having to go out and meet people just to have sex with them. I am scared of it.

This guy I knew through a friend and so I knew he was not a psycho. He is very free spirited and hippie like so he doesn't want any strings or expectations. I guess I shouldn't have expected sex there. I just liked how easy it was and how comfortable I was with him (after 2 drinks). But that was it.

I did get a little attached but it was due to me finally having sex after a year... I wanted to do it all the time now. I was not falling for him, he was not romantic it was just sex.

I was late for my period, 3 days, and I am usually on time. For a moment I worried, OMG can I be pregnant? We used protection so I wasn't really too worried. He would have told me if the condom had broken or not.

But that made me think. How about if I do get pregnant? It happens, even with protection. Do I tell my husband? Do I get rid of it quietly?

Yes, there are a lot of things we have to work out on. Especially me. I just hope I find a way to live with all this.

As for me being in an open marriage and maybe not poly, and you guys welcoming me here, I thank you very much. I have looked all around for support groups and this is the one closest to me that I could find. I do not have anyone else to confide in.

Thanks
 
Also he told me he wouldn't ask, or question. We don't have sex, so nothing would change there. He really doesn't want to know. I even told him about something once. I was frustrated thinking I would never be able to do this. I had gone on OKCupid and tried to find someone. I meet a couple of guys. I just didn't like any of them.

So I was sitting down and told my husband. "I can't do this, you think it is easy for me? I made an account I met some guys, it didn't work out. I can't do this" I said it like that.

He simply looked at me and told me "Don't tell me... you do whatever you want, just don't tell me." That is it.
 
I did finally have casual sex with a hookup I had. We had sex 2 times. I was hoping that it would last more but I don't think it will. ...

This guy I knew through a friend and so I knew he was not a psycho. He is very free spirited and hippie like so he doesn't want any strings or expectations. ...

I did get a little attached but it was due to me finally having sex after a year... I wanted to do it all the time now. I was not falling for him, he was not romantic it was just sex.

Just my two cents...from my own early experiences (which you can read about in my "Journey" blog here if you like):

When I was young, before MrS, I was only interested in fuck-buddies and friends-with-benefits - I was specifically NOT looking for "romantic" entanglements. (For the record, many people do not consider FWBs to be, strictly speaking, "poly" - I do, but definitions matter little). I was always very up front about this. One of the "rules" that I had for myself was that I wouldn't sleep with someone more than three times. In my (limited) experience, people tended to develop feelings for people that they slept with repeatedly - I wasn't afraid of this for myself but for my potential sexual partners. (I also wouldn't sleep with someone if, in my opinion, they had a high likelihood of developing an attachment before that point.)

Perhaps your "free spirited...hippie like" guy has concerns that you might become attached in ways that could threaten a.) your marriage (hurting you) and b.) his freedom (hurting him), so he is pulling away? (this is what I would have done back then)

I think there are probably people out there who would love to have a long-term FWB if you are very up-front about what you are looking for. A bit of a warning though, many men SAY they would love that type of set-up...but it turns out that they are wrong (not that they were lying, but that in practice they don't respond in the way they thought they would theoretically). (This may also be true for many women - I don't know, my longest FWBs are all women, so it hasn't seemed to be a problem.)

JaneQ

PS. I totally understand wanting to have sex "all the time" after a long dry spell - when I first got together with Dude I had a LOT of horny stored up. Now that my libido is back to its normal level I think he is a little disappointed.
 
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Just a small little thing to be aware of; asexuality is an identity, like gay or lesbian. Its not something one turns into. Just adding that as an educational piece.

So while we're educating...

Identities can and do change. I identify as asexual at times, other times as sexual. It's not that sometimes I'm just not in the mood so I'm like "I'm asexual today." I lose all interest in sex for extended periods of time, sometimes years. That includes masturbating, watching porn, and getting kinky. During those periods, I identify as asexual. So to me, your statement comes across as the Sexuality Police telling me how I may and may not identify, and I take exception to that.

To say that one's identity cannot change is to assume that sexuality is hard-wired, a claim that is not well-established. For some, it may be the case, for others, not. Personally, I'm inclined to take the viewpoint that a person may identify however they want based on how they are feeling at that point in their lives, and that a person's own feelings and inclinations override the accepted viewpoint of a bunch of biased psychologists who do not live inside my head.
 
I have no idea is this is considered poly or not. But that is my situation.

I've always felt it's much more important to establish your own personal situation than to worry about whether it is considered poly or not. It is what it is. If it's working for you, and you've established clear boundaries and agreements between you and your husband, and both of you are comfortable with those agreements, then the label is irrelevant.

When I was young, I started preparing a recipe for cookies. I started by mixing sugar, butter, and eggs. Then I licked the spoon. It was yummy. My mom called it custard. So I spent the next 6 years thinking I liked custard. That ended the day a friend made me real custard. It was disgusting. I was so confused. According to my mom, I loved custard! So now what? Do I stop enjoying sugar, butter, and eggs, and try to develop a taste for custard? Or do I acknowledge that custard was never really what I enjoyed and that my mom had mixed up her labels?

Labels have a place. That place is the supermarket. Relationships are not cookies. Relationships don't need labels; they need understanding, communication, and agreement.
 
So while we're educating...

Identities can and do change. I identify as asexual at times, other times as sexual. It's not that sometimes I'm just not in the mood so I'm like "I'm asexual today." I lose all interest in sex for extended periods of time, sometimes years. That includes masturbating, watching porn, and getting kinky. During those periods, I identify as asexual. So to me, your statement comes across as the Sexuality Police telling me how I may and may not identify, and I take exception to that.

To say that one's identity cannot change is to assume that sexuality is hard-wired, a claim that is not well-established. For some, it may be the case, for others, not. Personally, I'm inclined to take the viewpoint that a person may identify however they want based on how they are feeling at that point in their lives, and that a person's own feelings and inclinations override the accepted viewpoint of a bunch of biased psychologists who do not live inside my head.
That's awesome. Good for you. I take offense that you say I'm policing. I thought perhaps it would of been of interest to the writer. I am only passing on what I've heard from people I know in the asexual community. What do I know, I'm not asexual. You can take it up with them as I am no expert.
 
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