Hey, Jen I just read through your whole blog and wow -- my situation is SO similar to yours!! Thanks for all you've shared, both you and your hubby. The roller-coaster ride, it's incredible, isn't it? We've gone from great to horrible in a matter of minutes, too. What a swirl. But the depths of love we have been able to reach, it's worth every second, I think. And the things I have learned about myself, too -- amazing.
My bf, Jack, told me years ago (when he was just a friend and I had a ridiculous crush) "I guard my heart." And I think that was the start of me, on a mission! Oh, yeah? I will find a way in! But -- I have learned SO MUCH from him. I've learned so much about balance, things that were lacking in me, or things that were already IN me that I had never acknowleged, things I wanted to strenghten and I could do that by watching him. He is a teacher, in many ways, but sometimes I am sort of making the connections all on my own -- you know? I am also learning things that I would like to work on in my marriage. It's been a lot of work but my husband is benefitting from the challenges too. In fact he is rising up to meet those challenges in ways that impress me to no end. I love reading when you say how much you love your husband -- I feel the same way about mine!
And I too struggle with the guilt. I hate that I am hurting him. I get mad at myself that I can't just be happy with him. He is a perfect husband and I am a spoiled brat! But -- the irony is, he loves it that I am a spoiled brat -- you know, I'm sort of the little monster that he created, anyway! I am sooooo confident that he will never leave me, that his love is unconditional, that whoever I love, he will love, I mean, I guess I just take it for granted sometimes. It is absolute confidence and trust! The scariest thing is when he struggles, gets negative or sketchy, and it sends me almost into shock -- you mean, there ARE conditions??? Wha???
Right now we're all hot on a "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" kick. Never saw the movie but I saw a few snippets on Youtube and I am hooked on playing those roles for a bit
So fun, because all 3 in the V are incredibly beautiful and sexy and confident and secure. Great poly role models, from the little I've seen!
Good luck on your journey. Thanks again for sharing!