NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

For me, the NRE is fun and can be enjoyed while also remembering what it is and that it will pass. Not only will it pass, but the next phase is where the shadow work is done. As the NRE is phasing out, not only do we begin to see each other for who we truly are, but we begin to see all of the darkest parts of each other. The person who looked like a saint last week suddenly looks like the devil and that can be confusing.....and frustrating. I'm sure a lot of people break up during that phase.....just not being able to work through the conflicting images.

Have you ever heard someone say "Everything was great until we got married/moved in together and then she/he changed. From a nice person to an horrilble completely different person"

I think we can prolong that NRE for a while and it's good to do that, but it would not be smart to make a serious committment with someone until after the NRE has passed and the "true/terrible" quailities of each partner have been seen and dealt with by both people.
 
oo oo me me!!

This sounds just like when I started dating my now-husband!

I was vehemently poly at the time. When we started getting close, the first thing I said was that I was poly and that at best, he could be my primary but I would not stop dating other people.

Then I started finding that I just wasn't as interested in the other people I was already dating.

So after the poor guy stretches his brain and heart to grasp this poly thing, I drop the m-bomb: I want us to be monogamous now. (Aside: I like that, the "m-bomb" ... and its counterpart, the "p-bomb" for poly)

Fast forward 3 years, we're married and life is great. Then I realize I'm starting to have these feelings again. I tentatively bring it up, knowing that this is how we started but then I changed the rules, and now I want to change them again. Wonderful guy that he is, he accepts that and agrees that it would be ok for me to date other people, as long as he gets the same privaledge. Well, I'm no hypocrite, "of course you can!" I say.

Sooooo, is it just NRE? Or is this the love of your life, and you just need some time to be "just the two of you" to figure out your lives and relationship, before exposing it to the challenges of poly? In our case, it was a combination. The NRE made me completely fixated on him, but in the long run, I think our relationship benefited from focusing on just each other for a few years, especially since we had enough to deal with from the rest of our lives.
 
I have a question I could use some advice on from some seasoned Poly people.
I feel on some level as if I'm being dishonest with my other partners - we don't do the whole 'primary/secondary' thing. My other partners are really, honestly, amazing people; there is no rational reason that I would not want to be with them. They are awesome boyfriends. But....what do I do?

i'm not a seasoned poly person so i can't offer advice but i know 100% how you feel. I have 2 bf's, sadly both ldrs at this point. They are both at this point mono and i'm the poly. I don't have a primary/secondary as i want them both to be equals in my life. Due to the fact that Frosty is 18 hours ahead of me and Redwood's work times, 1 hour time zone difference there i find i spend more time talking to Frosty online.

Redwood has been in my life over 4 years now and Frosty just for 3-4 months, so it is for sure still nre for us. I do feel bad some times that i talk/think about Frosty more than Redwood.

sorry if it seems rambley :p
 
The question is, is it possible to get that true connection back once it has been lost?

Absolutely. A lot of relationships end due to circumstances: someone moves away, a death of a loved one makes them unable to deal with life for a while, etc. Other relationships end because the two people just aren't in the right space in their lives to make it work.

In either case, they can meet up years later when their lives are completely different, and find that the spark never went away.

After not speaking for 20 years (her family moved away when we were 8), my best friend and I realized we were again living in the same city, hundreds of miles from where we grew up and thousands of miles from where she'd moved to. We went out for coffee, and I was wondering whether we would still have anything in common. Turns out, we both grew up into almost the exact same person: same sense of humor, similar education background, same reason for being in that city. It was spooky but it felt completely comfortable and "right".
 
Oh... the timing of this thread is so apt right now... *sigh*
As much as I love NRE, it sure does make for some complicated situations.
I can be very impulsive which can make NRE feel like some wild animal I have to contain.
I would hazard a guess that perhaps once a relationship enters into that wonderful passionate, trusting stage when you know that you really have that connection that perhaps the temptation can be there to experience it again with someone else?
 
Oh... the timing of this thread is so apt right now... *sigh*
As much as I love NRE, it sure does make for some complicated situations.
I can be very impulsive which can make NRE feel like some wild animal I have to contain.
I would hazard a guess that perhaps once a relationship enters into that wonderful passionate, trusting stage when you know that you really have that connection that perhaps the temptation can be there to experience it again with someone else?

I feel you on this one booklady. I understand this completely. There is temptation to feel it again, but really, I have come to know that perhaps things will change far and beyond what I really want in my life and that I need to keep it in check in order to keep my balance with other loves, the one I could have the NRE with and their lives.
 
I guess if a person was addicted to NRE, she could exclusively date people she knew she wasn't compatible with, so that the connection would never form, thus ensuring that the relationship is ended upon the conclusion of NRE... :)

I wonder if that has anything to do with those girls who always date the bad boys. They're sexy and romantic, but they always cheat on her, giving her an excuse to dump their sorry asses without guilt... hmmm.
 
crazy chicks who love "drama" aka: NRE, who date dicks and always complain about them but have one after another after another....hrmm, sounds damn familiar.
 
I wonder if that has anything to do with those girls who always date the bad boys. They're sexy and romantic, but they always cheat on her, giving her an excuse to dump their sorry asses without guilt... hmmm.

Great observation and likely true. Like any drug, always looking for the next hit, regardless of the potential damage.

hmmmm
 
Yeah, and what about a couple who has a fight and breaks up at least once a month. It's so traumatic......and then, they get back together and experience this incredible high again. They become addicted to the high and therefore continue a pattern of getting along for a while until bored, fighting, breaking up, time apart, missing each other, getting back together in an ecstatic state of jubilation......boredom.....etc.....
 
Is that like makeup sex? We never have makeup sex, even when we do argue. Hubby's slow to forgive, so he gets really bummed out for a long time after an argument. I guess we have "makeup cuddle" but it's not nearly as intense as I've hear makeup sex is supposed to be...
 
To me, the biggest con of NRE has to be the insecurity that accompanies it. My boyfriend has never, ever done anything to make me feel insecure, has probably in fact done more to make me feel secure than just about anyone I've ever known. But I still spent a decent amount of time those first few months worried that he was going to lose interest, over-analyzing silly little things, obsessing over whether or not I was going to screw something up or push him away, etc. All of that early uncertainty is part of the excitement, but it's also a freakin' roller coaster. I like where things are at right now; after 6 months, I wouldn't say the NRE is gone, but I'm definitely comfortable and secure and relaxed while still feeling plenty giddy in the good ways :)
 
Con:

NRE causes people to hide their shortcomings.
 
From reading all this, I`m starting to think, I don`t experience NRE.

At least, not in the typical fashion.

Hmm,..gives me something to think about anyways.
 
From reading all this, I`m starting to think, I don`t experience NRE.

At least, not in the typical fashion.

Hmm,..gives me something to think about anyways.

hmmm...knowing you a little bit, I would say the way you process things, you don't succome to NRE. :)...just my take anyways :D
 
Ariakas :

Singing : Da-Da-Dum,...,..You may be right,..I may be crazy,....:p


I`m not sure about that ? Could be true. I should ponder it for awhile. :) As cheesey as it sounds, I still look at my husband and get butterflies. That feeling never wore off, or went on hiatus.

I can`t recall going 'crazy' with NRE though, or it altering my thinking, or having to keep it under wraps. I tend to get into the mentality, that if I like someone, and want to keep a good thing going, to do it 'right'.

The more I think about it, I think thats because of my long-time profession. You have to be patient, and consistant, in order to get the desired results. It is probably learned behaviour I carried over to relationships.

Which,..makes me sound like I am awesome. But no worries, I`m fully capable of being a dipshit in other ways. :p
 
Is this poly? NRE? the end??? Help!!!

Hi, My wife and I decided to explore Polyamory about 5 months ago. We had discussed it lightly before because even though we are (were) very much in love, we had become somewhat co-dependent and bored. Then one day, she came home and asked if it was cool if she went to coffee with her personal trainer. Im 34, she's 31, and he's 49. I accepted and after further discussion, we decide to give the poly lifestyle a try. The first two months were incredible. We were talking more than we had in years, having lunch together allot and going on dates, we've always had great sex but, now it was even better and more often. I was beginning to adjust to Jim (trainer guy) and she was adjusting to the girls I was dating (I haven't found someone steady yet).

Then things began to change. I read all about NRE as did she in books like The Ethical Slut. However, progressively she wanted to spend less and less time with me.

Now, she's saying that she's never loved someone like she likes this guy and that she wants to maintain a relationship with me but, not a romantic one.

We have 2 small children and I don't want to break up my family however, the pain of this process and the fact that Im unsure if this will ever rebuild itself into a real relationship again is killing me! Maybe we could have been a better couple to each other and maybe I should have paid more attention to our relationship however, I always considered myself a good husband. She says she loves me but, I dont know if I can deal with the everyday mechanics of a relationship, raising the kids together, taking care of responsibilities, etc, and not be romantically involved with this person whom I love.

Anyone ever experience anything like this? Think its NRE and we will eventually find a way to reconnect?

Everything is so uncomfortable and strained. Even the look in her eyes when we speak seems flat and lacking something that was there before.

Hurting.

Lou
 
Lou, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this painful experience. I hope someone with more varied experience will speak up.

I think that if you don't want to break up, then that's your answer--you need to work at it, and sometimes it's going to be painful and hard and really there's no guarantee that it will all work out in the end. Take some time to picture what you envision as an ideal future and discuss it with your wife, honestly and openly. Take a deep breath and come at this from a calm place--it's possible that your wife's "dead eyes" are a defense mechanism, from her trying not to cause/react to/be involved in drama. Ask her what her ideal future is, what she sees down the road. Then take some time to figure out if there's a compromise, if it's something you can live with, if maybe what you're hearing her say is not exactly what she's intending to say. For example, it would be very interesting to get the exact definition of romantic to her, since she says she still loves you. You might also consider trying to find a poly-friendly therapist--it's amazing the different perspectives they can give you.

You can't make her change her mind or do work that she's not willing to do. There's only going to be so much that you can do. But you owe it to yourself and your children to make sure that you did as much as you could to fix this relationship.
 
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