How do Monos cope with Polys?

I don't doubt B's love for me. I almost feel 'lesser' cos I don't fall in love with others myself. I actually suspect there's envy in there for me - i.e. I find it a bit unbearable to think of him loving someone else, when I'm not interested in that. I also seem to be attached to the exclusivity of our love. Don't like the feeling of that leaching out to anyone else. Sex - it's a sacred union, exclusive, which is what for me makes it sacred. Luckily he's not challenging me on that one.
When you find yourself experiencing jealousy, take a minute to ask yourself why. Be honest with yourself, and trust your gut. You've already identified much about it in this post. You feel "lesser" (which is a threat to your self-esteem). You feel envious, which indicates you feel you may be missing out on something. You may be conflicted (you want some of that, except that you don't). All of these are issues that can be addressed, and as you look deeper into what you're experiencing, you may find more.

How can you get him to support you in resolving the deeper issues behind the jealousy? Recognizing that the work to be done is primarily yours, because the feelings are yours. You can talk to him about how you feel, and ask him to help. For instance, as you work on the self-esteem issue, you can ask him for reassurance of your worth and value to him. You can talk to him about what you are envious of, and explore those conflicted feelings. Talk, talk and talk some more. It helps.

I'm sure there are other, wiser poly-folk on the forum who can give better advice, but there's a place to start.
 
I'm wondering if you missed this question I posted - about dealing with the jealousy feelings, and getting support around the feelings of insecurity.... sorry if I'm hassling...:)

I didn't miss it, but I was carefully considering my response.

Plus, I'm not the fastest typist.
 
What troubles me about all this is that he wants to call it poly. It isn't poly for a man and woman to have a friendship. I have lots of close male friends that I am not interested in having sex with, but I am very close with. There is nothing wrong with that. Even if there is sexual tension I know where I stand and I am firm with them. Poly is a sexual and intimate relationship. I would certainly question his motives if he wants to call it that.

You certainly don't have to look into another partner. Why would you want to do that? Its like the question: would you jump off a bridge if others were? Be yourself always. It's as simple as that. What's hard is knowing who you are, so you can be yourself.
 
Fidelia's posts are all right on the money, there isn't a lot to expand on. (And really Fidelia, you're as wise a soul as any!)

I do question the sex bit, as well. It may very well be that he is telling you the absolute truth, I won't say that he's not! I will say with absolute certainty that in my experience, denying those attractions and refusing to act on them is VERY different than not having them! I can also say that never, ever, not once have I wanted to kiss a girl I was romantically interested in without the desire, whether or not acted upon or even intending to act upon, to go further being present.

I don't want to upset you or call your husbands integrity into question. But if this is going to be sorted out, he needs to be honest with himself, as well as with you, because you can't be honest with ANYONE if you're not honest with yourself!

As for you coping... Well, first of all, no more "small-hearted" crap, LOL! The fact that you're even trying to understand these things, much less going to a place like these boards to gain perspective and advice from people who identify as your husband does, speaks VOLUMES to your character and BIG heart. Would that my exes were so desirous to make things work. (Okay, not true, because then I might have missed out on Violet and Anne, which is not okay with me at this point, lo.).

The big question is, do you feel that this situation detracts from his attentions where you're concerned? If you can honestly say no, that you do not think that under any circumstances he would leave you, or lessen his interest and attentions for you, well, then maybe work on supporting what may be of tremendous benefit to your relationship, as he will likely gain a tremendous level of appreciation and love for you as he recognizes that you are "letting him be him." I didn't put that very well; I hope the point came across right.

Conversely, if you feel that his involvement with her causes him to lose interest in you or detracts from your relationship, well, he's not poly, as we here tend to view it. The whole point of this thing is that it magnifies and multiplies the feelings we have for each individual partner. I know that's the case with my situation. I loved Violet so immensly that it almost hurt. And when thing started to come together with Anne, my love for each feeds off the other and my feelings for both are increased exponentially. If he's like that, than you will know love from him far in excess of what you thought possible as things progress with her.

"Love doesn't divide, it multiplies," as Robert Heinlein said. Ergo, if it divides, it ain't love.
 
What troubles me about all this is that he wants to call it poly. It isn't poly for a man and woman to have a friendship. I have lots of close male friends that I am not interested in having sex with, but I am very close with. There is nothing wrong with that. Even if there is sexual tension I know where I stand and I am firm with them.

Poly is a sexual and intimate relationship. I would certainly question his motives if he wants to call it that.

You certainly don't have to look into another partner if yours is. Why would you want to do that? Its like the whole question of would you jump off a bridge if others were.

Be yourself always. Its as simple as that. What's hard is knowing who you are so you can be yourself.

Oh my. I missed two pages. Oops, I'm so far behind. It seems that it's been taken care of by Fidelia. I'll bow out. sorry.
 
Okay, I do have some stuff to say.

I agree with HappiestManAlive, first of all. You do indeed have a big heart to be even considering all this! Good for you for doing the work necessary to keep your heart safe and to keep learning about yourself and your relationship.

What is your husband doing to achieve this, I wonder. I am sorry, but your husband bugs, I have to admit. The whole older man with a younger woman thing is what it is. She is 20 years younger and hot?! I would really struggle with that. If she were the same age, or older, and ugly by conventional standards, would he be so interested? Also, would he want to kiss her? (That equals wanting to have sex with her... Hello? There is not much difference. Any of us who have kissed passionately know that!)

I'm sorry, my friend. I think you are being fed a line that he thinks you want to hear. I would be very surprised if this girl weren't looking for a Daddy figure and your husband weren't getting off on a sweet young thing, thinking he is interesting enough to be friends with him. Mid-life crisis, perhaps? That can come at any age, really, and I suspect that if she is 20 years younger, he is at least in his late 30s.

Jealousy is a means to figuring out what fear is going on for you. Your gut is telling you something just isn't right. You need to look at that specifically. It could be an artificial fear, but I suspect not, under these kinds of circumstances. You and your monogamous heart feel threatened, and rightly so.

If I were in your situation, provided that things are as I am thinking, I would be telling him what I REALLY think is going on. If he admits to it, then he'll need to know that he has to get his priorities straight, and perhaps seek some help with doing so. He has a responsibility to be honest and open, not communicate what he THINKS you want to hear, or otherwise you will be there forever trying to figure it out, while his lust and desire for this girl get stronger and stronger. If he really wants to be poly, then he has to get a grip on how to communicate this way (radical honesty) to you as do you to him.

Yes, big thumbs up on meeting with the girl AFTER he has 'fessed up to what is REALLY going on for him, provided he still wants to pursue her, that is. if I am right, he might feel the fool and back away. That's okay too. It takes a big man to admit his desire for girls that think he's cool when he feels like an old man.
 
Red - they've been together for 30 years, so late 40s is probably closer, more likely early 50s, putting "her" late 20s or early 30s. Most girls have their daddy issues, if not handled, than at least under control by then, LOL. Of course that varies, but I digress. he "older man/younger woman" thing is a sensitive spot for me. At 34 I'm not old, by any stretch, but people around me are somewhat critical of both my and Violet's motivations because of the 13-year age gap (she'll be 21 in January). It annoys me.

Moving on...

What troubles me about all this is that he wants to call it poly. It isn't poly for a man and woman to have a friendship. I have lots of close male friends that I am not interested in having sex with, but I am very close with. There is nothing wrong with that. Even if there is sexual tension I know where I stand and I am firm with them.

Poly is a sexual and intimate relationship. I would certainly question his motives if he wants to call it that.
I'm a little put off by that statement. I wonder if you would expound on, or clarify it a bit. There are many people for whom a relationship can be more than a friendship, or more accurately, different than a friendship, without being sexually intimate.
 
You will notice, dear HMA, that I said, "If this is true." I have no idea what the deal is, so I quite humanly go to generalizations. I am sorry about your sensitivities in regards to the age-gap thing. I myself have a husband that is seven years younger than me (Mono is two years younger) and realize that some people are more mature at younger ages and less at older ages. It balances out sometimes. I am in doubt of it working out with a 20-year gap unless the daddy complex or something else is going on.

What twigged me was the talk of her being good looking and him saying he wanted a romantic friendship, then wanted to kiss her. I'm sorry, but there is way too much in all that that spells out older dude going through midlife stuff, especially if he is in his late 40s! Perhaps I am wrong. I'm not always right.

Please read again what I said about what I think poly is and then read what you want me to explain. I don't think we are differing in opinion about it.
 
I was not offended in any way by your statement regarding age gap. I threw that comment in because it's a pet peeve, lol.

I was asking for clarification re the "It's not poly if it doesn't involve intimacy" bit. As for your concerns about his motivations, I think you are correct in finding our views very much the same.
 
I was not offended in any way by your statement re age gap, I threw that comment in because it's a pet peeve, lol.

I was asking for claarification re the "it's not poly if it doesn't involve intimacy" bit. As for your concerns about his motivations, I think you are correct in findong our views very much the same.


This forum was having a discussion a month or two ago about whether "intimacy" is synonymous with "sexual activity". There is a whole spectrum of differing opinions regarding this topic. The following dissertation applies to any relationship, mono or poly:

If someone wants to kiss someone else on the mouth or in any way other than "Hello/Goodbye" or hold hands other than for the purpose of not getting separated in a large crowd, that crosses the line from "platonic friends" to "romantic friends". Any further than that (touching the "fun parts", snuggling while naked, etc.) crosses the line from "just friends" to "fooling around", and ANY time there is the intent or attempt to have an orgasm by one or more of the persons involved crosses the line from "fooling around" to "having sex".

I'm sure I'm leaving out some variations on the theme, and I recognize that I did not address how "intimacy" fits into the above descriptions. I simply cannot cover all the bases by myself at this time...

I know that there are other people on this forum who either draw the lines in different places or just flat-out disagree with some of what I just said.
 
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I never said that intimacy is not poly. I said the opposite. I said poly is a sexual and intimate relationship. It sounds like he is asking to have sex with his friend. To me, that is not poly. It's having an open relationship. Poly is about love and the kind of commitment that goes beyond just a casual fuck out of horniness. It's a lot of work and effort to be certain that everyone's needs are met and continue to be satisfied with the situation, especially after the NRE wears off. I am not convinced this guy is coming from that perspective.

There is a thread that I know of called "the definition of poly" (I think) from way back, where we discussed it all.
 
You read my statement backwards, lol. I said:

I was asking for clarification re the "it's not poly if it doesn't involve intimacy" bit.

I believe that it's possible to go past friends and into "involved in the relationship" without involving physical intimacy, less involved than would be otherwise to be certain. With Lana, in our situation, for instance, the PHYSICAL intimacy is almost non-existent, whereas with Anne it is very much part of our interactions all around. While Lana isn't considered part of our triad, as such, she is absolutely part of our defacto family. We couldn't have it otherwise if we tried.
 
There is also an older thread regarding asexual relationships and people with emotional attachments who don't have sex for one reason or another.

I'm too tired to go find it for you. You'll have to look for it yourself.
 
YGirl, I like what you said and how you have it "classified" as this is going to be on my mind this coming week when I see Elric again. He seems to be the type who does hold hands or puts an arm around his female friends but in a friendly gesture as opposed to romantic...at least that seems to be the impression I get.
 
I must say I struggle with the asexual poly thing. But maybe I just have very touchy friendships? I dunno. If the touching is sexual maybe I would get it?
 
I must say I struggle with the asexual poly thing. But maybe I just have very touchy friendships? I dunno. If the touching is sexual maybe I would get it?


I think some folks can have the "love feeling" but be turned off toward the sex act(s) for whatever reason. Not ME or YOU, but SOME people.
 
Yeah, but I have love for my friends! Not sexual love with most of them, but love that makes me want to be close to them, hold their hand, cuddle them, etc. What's the dif?
 
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