No longer feeling good

Just a quick suggestion Mr. M - please create your own user id. It is going to get too confusing if your using your wife sign in.
 
Hello Mr M.

It might be easier on everyone if there isn't any pressure for the two women to be friends. It might happen in time but just because you love both of them doesn't mean that they will be able to get along with each other.

Also you said that in the past it wasn't fair that you kept your wife in the dark because you didn't give her a choice in the matter. I'm not really sure that she has a lot of choice in the matter now either. It seems to me that you have sprung this on her and just asked her to accept the whole situation as is.

Why are you uncomfortable with her seeking a second relationship? You know that you can love two doesn't it make sense that she would be able to be in another relationship and still love you too?
 
Hello All!!!

I am Mahogany's husband..... As long as I have had an interest in women, there has always been two. My main woman (in this case my wife) and the other woman (GF). Through out life my GF alway knew about my main woman but never the other way around....



Mr. M

Welcome to the forum Mr. M,

Hats off to coming onboard and sharing with us all. You've taken some heat already and I am right up there with people gravely concerned. I have a "damsel in distress" complex that makes me protective of people who often don't need any at all.

There is a common theme of people feeling trapped and without answers as to what to do. I have my own trap just and you and your wife have yours. I hope you find the guidance and internal answers you are looking for. There are a lot of very wise people on here. Take what all of us say with a grain of salt, and prepare to be challenged..but you should not feel attacked...although perhaps you already do.

Regardless, welcome and I look forward to reading more of your journey. Hopefully you will all find what you need to be happy, healthy and anything but numb :)
 
I merged your threads Mahogany and Mr. M. And yes, please do make yourself your own account Mr.M. It gets very confusing otherwise...(Mr.M works :)). Besides, I think you need to sit down and be with us for awhile. There is a lot to read here, even if you decide not to write anymore. You don't seem to know the first thing about poly first off... First of all the language; your wife, you might consider calling a "primary" partner and your girlfriend, a "secondary." I won't go into details about all that, but if you look at the definitions thread in the stickies at the top of the "new to polyamory" main page, you will find a whole bunch of useful words to use in order to explain what is going on for you to us and each other. That way all of us to be on the same page. They are useful words for newbies, often, with time, people abandon some of there meaning for something that fits better for them... baby steps with all that though... first take a look at those who have gone before and realize that you are not alone and poly can and is achievable.

Might I suggest looking at these two threads first.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2755

It seems that you have some stuff to sort out for us Mr.M if you will. There is a lot of confusion about the dynamic you have for me and perhaps others. If you have read the thread Mahogany has posted, is it possible to please take from it some ideas about what you might comment on to bring us up to speed about what is going on for you both?

Thank you for sharing something so raw with us here. I always find peoples ability to make themselves vulnerable to strangers incredibly honouring. Thanks for trusting and reaching out. :)

*hugs* to both of you.
 
Is it me? Do I need to suck-it-up and go numb, hoping that in the future it will all be ok....that I will grow to be happy in this "cage"?

Mahogany, I've lived through a severe panic disorder and one thing I learned is that 'Healing hurts'. If you are numb, you are not healing. Sometimes going numb is a very valid reaction to an impossible situation and protects you at that moment from going completely batshit-crazy. For a new mum, going numb is probably preferable to going apeshit. But you need to understand that numbness is a reaction to an emotional shock/trauma, and will always lead to major repercussions, because at some point, you will need to start feeling again.

I suggest you do some reading on PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Lot of the stuff is written for people who have experienced life-threatening trauma, but that stuff applies to anyone dealing with a major emotional upheaval. The symptoms you described, i.e. not being able to concentrate, eat or sleep well to me speak of you needing medical attention. If you are not breastfeeding at the moment, I'd recommend seeking out a psychiatrist and starting out on mild anti-anxiety medication, such as SSRIs. To focus on therapy and the healing process, you need some sort of mental focus, which the meds will help you achieve. Also, it's practically impossible to get hooked on that stuff.
 
I don't know how long it takes for my wife to heal, not become numb, for this to really work but I'm willing to wait/work it out till it becomes great like the way I envision it....

Very often the things we hold dearest in our imaginations are completely unattainable in practice. That is the beauty of fantasy; you are not limited by the real world considerations that surround us each day of our mortal lives. To you, what does being willing to wait it out include? If your wife needs you to focus on her and the kids and stay away from the GF for a while, say, 6 months, could you do that?

So I ask you, the people, for help and advise... to help her... to help me.. and to help us three to grow as one.. Thank you

There are lots of great stuff to read at this forum, but one resource I've found to be of great help is Mr. Franklin Veaux's 'Making Relationships Suck'. It is in parts so true that it isn't even funny anymore. He has other great resources on his site at http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html.
 
If you are not breastfeeding at the moment, I'd recommend seeking out a psychiatrist and starting out on mild anti-anxiety medication, such as SSRIs. To focus on therapy and the healing process, you need some sort of mental focus, which the meds will help you achieve. Also, it's practically impossible to get hooked on that stuff.

I have to disagree with the idea of taking drugs to deal with perfectly natural emotions. Everything Mahogany is feeling is normal. As for it being impossible to get hooked on SSRIs, visit www.paxilprogress.org which supports thousands of people struggling and suffering in the effort to get off them, myself included. Just not worth the risk, especially now that studies are showing them to be no better than placebo.

My heart goes out to you, Mahogany. I've been there and it was indescribably painful. In my case I did come to accept my husband's relationship after months and months of talking, crying and looking into my own heart. At times it did seem completely impossible. You're the only one that is going to be able to decide if and how this can work, and it will probably take a lot of time and inner work to come to the right decision. Best of luck to you.
 
As for it being impossible to get hooked on SSRIs, visit www.paxilprogress.org which supports thousands of people struggling and suffering in the effort to get off them, myself included. Just not worth the risk, especially now that studies are showing them to be no better than placebo.

Ooh *the sound of can of worms opening*. Since this is off-topic, I'm not going to delve deep into this issue, but people who can benefit the most from SSRIs are usually the most unlikely demographic to partake in drug trials. However, everyone knows how to best deal with their special condition, and a licensed professional who knows the person is best equipped to evaluate possible need for medication, not random people (myself included!) on a forum.

It's worth a visit to a healthcare professional of any persuasion, at least.
 
If I thought that my partner was "numb" and actually trying to achieve this status because of me I would be making huge adjustments to my life so that they are able to at least manage. It would kill me to think they have to take meds because of something I have done.
 
Hello,

... my husband came clean about cheating on me with her (for 5 months before I found out). Before this we shared 4 monogamous years together.
...

Also, my husband does not feel comfortable with me exploring my end of the openness. He does not want me intimate with another man. He is not abusive or forceful about it, but he has simply communicated that he is not comfortable with it. Should I pursue another man anyway?

Hello All!!!

I am Mahogany's husband..... As long as I have had an interest in women, there has always been two. My main woman (in this case my wife) and the other woman (GF). Through out life my GF alway knew about my main woman but never the other way around....

Mr. M

Hi Mahogony and Mr M.

I see a discrepancy in your first posts. Wife says they've had 4 years of monogamy, husband admits there have "always been two" women in his life since he became sexually mature. So, this current mistress is just the latest in a string of women.

Mr M may be naturally poly, and didnt feel he had a way to practice it, so went the common way of cheating. However strong the drive for multiple relationships is, cheating on your spouse, especially when you have young children, is a huge breach of trust. Your wife has a ton on her plate, raising twin babies and also holding down a full time (?) job.

I work with mothers and young babies (as a lactation specialist) and have had lots of experience with parents of twins. How much free time does Mr M have to do his share of childcare and housework, work at a job, and still have time for another sexual relationship? Where are his priorities?

Mr M, it seems you've been playing up the sister wives idea with M. Your OW is "warm and nurturing." She'd be good with the kids, I guess you're saying. My question is, how nurturing can she be if she was willing to carry on a clandestine relationship with a man whose wife just gave birth to two babies at once? I, for one, would never trust this women around my children.

As for the other quote I included, I never can support the "one penis principle." M taking another lover for now, might be the last thing on her mind, but it's hypocritical to think Mr M can have 2 women to love and have sex with, but M can only have Mr M. Ridiculous!
 
........... If you are not breastfeeding at the moment, I'd recommend seeking out a psychiatrist and starting out on mild anti-anxiety medication, such as SSRIs. To focus on therapy and the healing process, you need some sort of mental focus, which the meds will help you achieve. Also, it's practically impossible to get hooked on that stuff.

Hey BU...........

NO NO NO NO !

One thing we all try to avoid for obvious reasons is giving out medical advice - ESPECIALLY regarding meds ! First, unless you are educated and trained in the field you are unqualified. Secondly, even if you are, you can't make an accurate diagnosis over a couple posts on an internet forum ! (which you would know)

The current list of modern psyc meds is a very dangerous list and there are huge problems worldwide because of abuse and inappropriate use of these (often untested) medications.

The valid advice you offered.....seek a GOOD psychologist/psychiatrist. A good start. That will be challenge enough - finding someone both truly qualified and willing to put in the time to work real HEALING on a person in a holistic way. Because when it comers to matters of mental health there is no other alternative. It's (we) all a connected, interactive system.

GS
 
Just Want You all To Know that.....

....that I really appreciate all your support, understanding, and insight.

I am in a horrible place right now :(

I am going through what BlackUnicorn says .....I am nursing bitterness (taking a slow and painful killing poison myself, while praying someone else dies from it) :(

I have hate for his secondary, and anger toward her and my husband for what they have done to me :(

I am not going to post threads for a while....because I don't want my involve here to be centered on negativity (but it is all I have to give right now)

:(


As for as healing goes, only time will tell right.....I know many of you said that going numb is not a good idea....and that meds may be a bad idea too.

Well that is the only thing I can do right now :9
These are the only things a can do the escape the nightmare I am in.

Hopefully in the future there are brighters days ahead

I'll keep reading and responding to others post though, I hopes to help them when ever possible.


Thank you again
 
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As for as healing goes, only time will tell right.....I know many of you said that going numb is not a good idea....and that meds may be a bad idea too.

Well that is the only thing I can do right now :9
These are the only things a can do the escape the nightmare I am in.

A word of warning: There is no escaping from emotional pain. Trying to avoid the pain -- which is really there, anyway -- actually results in greater suffering. The way to get free of this suffering is to turn toward and embrace the pain while holding all of the stories around the pain loosely, with curiosity rather than certainty. Let the sensation of pain be as big as it is without clinging to stories and healing insight is inevitable, as well as a release from suffering. Pain is not your enemy! It cannot harm you.

As the Borg (Star Trek) said, "resistance is futile". Luckily, that doesn't mean we have to be assimilated into the Borg hive!
 
Honestly... this doesn't sound like a polyamorous relationship!!

Poly relationships are MUTUAL agreements... not a one sided "hall pass" to cheat. If you are unhappy, then it's NOT working and he IS cheating.

If you'd like to talk, feel free to message me on here or email me: [email protected]

:)
 
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