Multi-partner co-habitation

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One issue that arose (and we are still work through) is that interior walls are not usually well insulated. Being new to poly (and still not sure I am poly) it was highly stressful to hear S and K in the next room. Even laying alone trying to sleep while S was less than 15ft away gave me a fair bit of trouble. For many people this is probably a non-issue but it is a potential one that I haven't seen brought up yet. It is one thing to know your partner is out on a date in a mystical "out there". It is something else entirely to know your partner is with someone else a couple of rooms over. S, K and, I have all had to work on being conscious of how much noise we make in bed

Well - that's an interesting twist indeed.
Couple choices........

1> Earplugs or headset & music player
2> Grab your favorite toy, place yourself mentally in the picture and enjoy the experience ! :)

We actually had that situation in our house for a short time. The sounds stirred the hormones of the uninvolved party. Sometimes it was too much to bear and she would come join us. It kind of broke the "mood" at first but after a few times we came to accept - and enjoy, it. If we really felt we needed that private moment we enjoyed trying to keep the noise down :)

GS
 
After a lot of internal searching and logistical discussions it looks like we are moving toward co-habitation in the relatively near future. 18 months into building family stability and acceptance and we are perhaps 5 months away from me moving into their suite. That will give us nearly two years of growth and building foundations. Polynerdist and I are at the point of deep friendship and mutual respect for the love that we both have for Redpepper. Their son is healthy and our relationship has evolved beyond my own expectations. Our families are completely aware and each support us in their own way...or at least tolerate us LOL!

Most importantly, Redepper and I have developed a love and friendship that is beyond the struggles we have faced with resolve to move towards one goal...being together in a mutually healthy way that adds to our lives.

We are family now..that won't change, regardless of what ever else does. I am confident that our bonds are solidified in the mortar of friendship.

18 months with eyes wide open.
 
That's awesome news...you are having a suite warming party right? Need a nice new houseplant or a fondu pot??? :D
 
That's awesome news...you are having a suite warming party right? Need a nice new houseplant or a fondu pot??? :D

Suite warming!? You obviously don't know me very well when it comes to personal space. Ask Redpepper about how many people have been in my place over the last year ;)
 
Like most of our relationship, we blundered into something that worked.

Although we initially started in separate residences, we moved into a large college apartment that had three bedrooms, so everyone had their own room. This was fortuitous. Everyone had their own space, there was enough common space we had to manage chores, and things went (relatively) smoothly.

Even in monogamous relationships, the people often have 'their' private spaces. (It's common enough we've all seen the cartoons, gags, etc. about men's workshops, women's kitchens, i.e. places that 'belong' to one person in the relationship.) I think this is a very common need in any long-term intimate relationship; to have a place where you can 'be yourself' without having to make any concessions or compromises.
 
Suite warming!? You obviously don't know me very well when it comes to personal space. Ask Redpepper about how many people have been in my place over the last year ;)

And only one at a time right? Being all Mono and all! ;):D
 
Well, it's been a long time since I started this thread and we are now two short weeks away from me moving in. Lots of thoughts are going through my head. I'm concerned about balance between the time Redpepper spends with me and that which she spends with PN. I'm not worried about getting my needs met, I'm completely satisfied with anytime we get together, but I am worried that PN will feel it is unbalanced. We'll have to communicate and feel this one out.
I'm concerned about losing control of the space I am renting. It has to be my space first and foremost and a shared space second. I need it to reflect who I am. We are doing a great job shaping the space and RP is an incredible help with many things but there are times when I feel like I hurt her if I don't take her suggestions. We work through each challenge for sure. My privacy is a concern as my bed is not in a separate room but will be in the living room...this leads to increased anxiety about people visiting her room because they essentially go through my living space. I am a privacy nut so that will be a challenge that ultimately construction may have to address down the road. Oddly enough, I'm also concerned about my eating habits being sidetracked as I look forward to eating by myself in front of the computer and I enjoy limited variety in my meals both for health and routine purposes. I think we have a quick fix for that in having preset meals for the family as a whole a couple of times a week. I also want Redpepper to have more freedom within her space but it can't cost me my sense of isolation that I desire. When I imagine scenarios where people are using my bathroom or kitchen because it's convenient, it makes me question the sustainability of this type of arrangement. BUT....it is my natural tendancy to think way ahead and explore the possible negatives...I'm trying not to focus on that :eek:

Now the positives! I love the space! It's clean, modern in many ways and has a rustic fireplace and chimney that have my creative juices flowing. I'm looking forward to not having to drive into town at the end of the night and really expect to spend more time together as a family unit in the yard and day to day. There is something very comforting about hearing them move around upstairs. Their son can visit me a lot easier which is very cool and I think it will give them more flexibility in doing things together. I also love the energy and smile that emanates from RP when she is in her room...she seems very happy for sure :)...I love being able to have a kiss whenever too!

I'll keep you updated on my thoughts as we continue our adventure:)

Oh, and I am sure some people will wonder about "noises" in the house. I have zero issue with heearing RP and PN having sex...I want them to have more LOL! I need them to be happy and connected and sex is a sign of that for me.I will be concerned about him hearing us though, and I expect things will often be less "audible" :eek:

I'm going to try to be as honest as possible in sharing my thoughts because I believe this is a golden opportunity for others to share in the process :)

I am one very excited Vanilla Cracker :D
Thanks for inviting me into you r life and home Redpepper and Polynerdist. I love you both...just in different ways ;)
 
Thanks for the amazing thread :) it is really helpful

Its good to think things through, from what i've seen RP and PN are aware of your need for privacy and respect it. I think (and from what I can gather they think) You have the right to your own space. Remember that :) I know theory can be easier that practice, but remember the theory, it seems as though all of your hearts are in good places.
Re bed room/living area issue, I don't know if putting up a collapsable screene to divide the space might help/be an option? One made a massive difference to me psychologicaly at my last place.

Glad your in such exciting times, sounds really beutiful :D, please keep us posted

Your comment re rp and pn put a song in my head

there is more than one kind of love - joan armatrading

:) x
 
Mono and RP, I am soooo excited to be at this same point of finally beginning cohabitation! Reading through this thread has definitely given me a boost and I feel even more secure that this is the right thing and we are prepared.

We are fortunate to have a large house where my husband, R, and I have a huge master suite and the kids bedrooms are on the same side of the house as ours, then the living area is in the middle of the house, and my boyfriend, D's, suite is on the other side of the house.

I own my own design company and work mainly from home, so I have the whole house to myself during the day while the guys work at outside jobs and the kids are at school. So that is all of the alone time I need!

I am a very passionate person, and I have struggled with bouts of severe depression since the age of 12. It has only been the past 3 years or so that I have really been able to get a handle on it. My guys fulfill very different parts of me. R is my rock. He is the stable, perfect father and husband. Extremely family oriented, homebody, and can handle my mood swings without blinking an eye :) D is my fun, my passion, my sexy toy, who I also connect with on a very deep level. I can't imagine being without either of them . . .

Luckily, we are all 3 above average intelligence with similar views on religion, politics and love. R and D have been able to become good friends and D has bonded greatly with our children.

I know not every day will be perfect, but I feel that we will always find a way to make it work.
 
We are doing a great job shaping the space and RP is an incredible help with many things but there are times when I feel like I hurt her if I don't take her suggestions.

I'm really good at throwing out a bunch of suggestions, but I find that I get hurt more when my husband goes ahead with stuff without telling me that he would prefer it a different way. When he doesn't say anything, I feel like I have been ignored.

My privacy is a concern as my bed is not in a separate room but will be in the living room...this leads to increased anxiety about people visiting her room because they essentially go through my living space.

Based on other comments you have posted, this concerns me. I would definitely keep this one open for immediate change if necessary. I definitely like the folding screen idea, could make a world of difference.
 
To clarify, the house is pretty separate, and it is only Redpepper that will have a major presence there. This is completely fine with me as I love knowing she is close. I also look forward to having her son around and am plenty comfortable with PN as I view him in a brotherly way. They are family.

I have been in my current apartment for a year and the only people to visit me are PN, Redpepper, her son and just recently Derby. That's it, no one else. My concerns around privacy and sense of respecting my personal space that I am renting has to deal mostly with imagined scenarios that may never happen LOL! It's just how my brain works :eek:

I look forward to hearing how others are doing with this co-habitation dynamic as well :D
 
I look forward to hearing how others are doing with this co-habitation dynamic as well :D

I am interested as well. As a mostly private person I find the idea of a large familial co-habitation setup interesting. I am not sure I could do it. Pengrah is hit or miss, I think in some ways she loves the idea, but she would need her own living space too.

Now...2 houses, same street, lots of places to escape...that sounds more my style :D...

So ya, just babbling and watching. Curious how this works for people :)
 
What happens for me around my suggesting is that I say my idea and then get no response, so I say it again. Maybe it comes across as persistence when really I'm waiting to hear something like "that's a good idea, I will consider that."

We have a room divider. I just need help bring it down. It would work great in the hall.
 
What happens for me around my suggesting is that I say my idea and then get no response, so I say it again. Maybe it comes across as persistence when really I'm waiting to hear something like "that's a good idea, I will consider that."

Or even "I don't think that will work because...".
 
What happens for me around my suggesting is that I say my idea and then get no response, so I say it again. Maybe it comes across as persistence when really I'm waiting to hear something like "that's a good idea, I will consider that."

We have a room divider. I just need help bring it down. It would work great in the hall.

Thanks for reminding me of that Lilo, I'll be more careful in the future :eek:

I don't need that kind of space from you Gorgeous, but the screen is a good idea. Smooch, smooch
 
*big grin*
I'm so happy for all of you Mono! What an exciting part of your journey, to share a household together <3
I bet Redpepper is also super excited to have you so close by!
I'm looking forward to hearing about some of your challenges and successes with the new arrangement and I hope the challenges are few and far between!
 
I think it's so cool how you are all making it work! It's so encouraging to read about. O said that if I were to ever move in he would want his own apartment and A and I could share the house since she and I are both messy. :p
 
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