New awareness in sexuality

MonoVCPHG

New member
The purpose of this post is simply to acknowledge and share a personal discovery. It is about growth in understanding a part of who I am and excitement about the freedom it has given me.

I have spent a lot of years misinterpreting the role of sex in my relationships. For years, I thought sex was just something I craved and couldn’t get enough of. I did not think there was something else I was looking for: my path to connection. Because of this, I not only miscommunicated with my ex-wife throughout my marriage, but I also went down a terrible path leading to the break-up of my family.

It was not enough to simply try to analyse what sex brought and took away from my life, even with professional help. I explored casual sex and found it empty and unfulfilling. It was not until really communicating about issues with Redpepper that I began to understand my sexuality and how connection has always been my goal, not sex.

It was through certain challenges with polyamory that I realized I needed connection before I could truly feel the intensity of sex and just how incredible it could be. I had experienced this in the past, but was not mature or concerned enough to associate what I was feeling to what I was feeling!

Redpepper and I were having some interesting talks, and out of the blue something was said, and my body had an immediate response. Cover your ears, men--impotence! Some topics or comments completely removed my physical ability to have sex. My body shut down.

It was in analysing these moments that I realized “connection” was my aphrodisiac, the core of my desire for someone, in essence, my nature’s Viagra! When I am connected, I am extremely drawn to someone sexually. When I experience something that triggers fear, a sense of threat or makes me feel inadequate, my connection is severed in that moment. It is quick and noticeable. I can actually feel my energy withdraw; there is a very real physical sensation, primarily in my face, that washes over me. It is uncomfortable and impossible to hide from Redpepper. My inability to get aroused is also quite recognizable. LOL! Funny now, not then.

This new awareness has given me a feeling of control, happiness and understanding in my life and my relationships. It is great! I was initially disappointed in my "non-man-whoring" abilities. My friends were even disappointed that I settled into a deep relationship with one person after having been married for so long. I am embracing my sexuality and the role of connection. I am proud of the way it works for me, non–judgmental towards how it works differently for others, and feel like I truly can enjoy passion on a whole new level with Redpepper.

For me, connection is the path to passion; passion is not the path to connection. Sounds obvious, but it took me 37 years and a lot of challenges and not-so-good lessons to figure it out.

This is a new awareness that I attribute, at least partly, to the openness required in a polyamorous relationship.

Thanks again, Redpepper. The gifts keep coming. Lilo, you are incredible!

Take care, everyone. Lots of love and happiness,
Mono
 
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I totally agree with you on forming a connection with someone. This is what I find most fulfilling about any kind of relationship with people.
 
Thank you. This sort of helps sum up my feelings of why I am poly and not into swinging. I am a true bisexual and go into "man phases" and "woman phases" sexually, and always have. One sex does it for me, and then the other does nothing. But not when it comes to N, and not when it came to P. It didn't matter what I craved sexually. My mind, body, and soul always reacted to them passionately. I'm glad you shared this.
 
I am true bisexual and go into "man phases" and "woman phases' sexually, and always have.

*sigh* Yes, I totally understand this. I miss women being in my life so much, sometimes.

What to do? I'm sure something will come up, when I am good and ready for it, and they are good and ready for me.
 
WOW! The learning continues, and my love keeps moving forward.

I was engaged in a discussion about friends with benefits, and was really disturbed by my reaction to many aspects of a more open approach to sex in relationships. When I think back to the last years of my marriage, I don't think I would have had a problem with even the idea of swinging.

I asked myself why this was. I am sure it has to do with the loss of connection to my ex-wife. Because I had no intimate connection, I didn't feel I had anything to lose. Now that I have this immense connection with Redpepper, I feel like I have something extremely important to lose. I know my commitment in our love and desired life-long relationship hinges on the maintaining of my connection. It rests more on me than her.

I see threats and insecurities in sex-positive environments such as the poly and kink communities. The idea of a free world, with lots of intimate love bonding, is not my idea of utopia. I'm simply not wired to want it. I'm not worried about connecting with someone else, but that something will happen that will impact my connection with Redpepper. This isn't about someone taking away something from me, but is about something reducing my ability to maintain an intimate connection. I'm black or white. I'm intimately in or I'm out. That scares me and makes me defensive.

My fears are my own. My insecurities are identified and can be overcome. There is very little that can keep me from the life I want with Redpepper. Now I know something else about myself, sparked by this forum. :D

Redpepper, as far as finding a worthy woman, I know you will find exactly what you are looking for. They will be blessed, for sure. :)
 
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I am assuming you are talking about me finding a woman to share with, Mono? Otherwise it sounds like you are breaking up with me. I know that you are not threatened by women coming into my life, so, I hope this is what you are talking about. My heart is in my throat over the thought of losing you over your realizations.
 
I am assuming you are talking about me finding a woman to share with, Mono?

I know that you are not threatened by women coming into my life, so I hope this is what you are talking about. My heart is in my throat over the thought of losing you over your realizations.

I am, Lilo. No worries. Keep that heart where it belongs, safely nestled in your beautiful chest, and also joined with my own. My realizations will only strengthen my sense of security, as well as allow me to have even more fun within our relationship and our social environments. This is a really positive thing.

When I mention defensive, I am referring to protecting my connection with you. At times I am more governed by perceived threats than what is actually going on.

You won't get rid of me that easy, Gorgeous. I'm way too addicted to you.
 
Okay, first, you two are so sweet.

Mono, I totally understand how you feel. This makes me realize how broad the spectrum of relationships actually is. I definitely feel that I want more of an emotional connection with someone I have a sexual relationship with, but also feel I could have that with more than one person. However, I have been where you are, too, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! My learning is expanding greatly as I realize how differently we can all relate to people, and how differently relationships can be shaped to suit our desires and needs.

It's really funny to me that I never realized there was not only more than one way to have a romantic relationship, but several! It is really quite eye-opening that this can be done with integrity and honesty.

And for everyone, let me add that I appreciate all of your honesty with this. It really helps me to see real people in this forum.
 
...just wondering if you two knew about private messaging?

((giggles)) but isn't it grand that they feel comfortable sharing so freely with all of us?
 
I am not so open that I would want anyone to see our private messages, Ygirl! ;)

I am hoping that, by our openness, someone will gain some kind of hope, support, encouragement and faith that things can work, with a LOT of work. I know it will bring negativity too. You can't be open, and not be open to all of the range of positive and negative, hence the reason my heart gets hurt sometimes when people can't have compersion for me because of their own issues. So be it. I am who I am and will continue to be.
 
I am not so open that I would want anyone to see our private messages Ygirl ;)

I am hoping that by our openness that someone will gain some kind of hope, support, encouragement and faith that things can work with a LOT of work.

I know it will bring negativity too. You can't be open and not be open to all of the range of positive and negative. Hence the reason my heart gets hurt sometime when people can't have compersion for me because of their own issues. So be it. I am who I am and will continue to be.

I for one find much encouragement and faith that things can work out from the openness between Redpepper and Mono on these boards!

Thank you.
 
Wow. I'm glad this one got brought to the forefront. I have the SAME feeling about sex. It's been such a struggle to explain why I just CAN NOT "get there" if I don't FEEL the connection. It seems to be a difficult concept for people. :(

Thanks for bringing this back to the top, seasnail!
 
It's been such a struggle to explain why I just CAN NOT "get there" if I don't FEEL the connection. It seems to be a difficult concept for people. :(

Funny, I've generally found the opposite. I've often found the conversation go the opposite way. I've often heard people refer to casual sex as a "less evolved" form of sexual expression, or sometimes as a "step along the way to healthy 'real' sexual relationships". There is a lot of tacit judgement in such statements.

I find people often use such things to try to put their relationships on a higher plane than those around them. I'm not saying that this is happening here, I'm just noticing that dynamic come up when I've had similar conversations with others. And it's a conversation that usually tells me that is not a person I'm probably going to connect with- not because of our differing views on sexuality, but because of the general way their views carry such tacit judgement to those around them.
 
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Funny, I've generally found the opposite. I've often found the conversation go the opposite way. I've often heard people refer to casual sex as a "less evolved" form of sexual expression, or sometimes as a "step along the way to healthy 'real' sexual relationships". There is a lot of tacit judgement in such statements.

I agree there is some judgement in that, if they are really saying they think others are less evolved. I know I have seen casual sex as a stepping stone to more evolved sex, for me, except when I forced myself to have casual sex. That was damaging myself.

I hope that when people hear me say how wonderful sex is for me now they can have appreciation for my journey, my experience and my joy within it, not see it as me thinking I am better for it.

I find people often use such things to try to put their relationships on a higher plane than those around them. I'm not saying that this is happening here, I'm just noticing that dynamic come up when I've had similar conversations with others. And it's a conversation that usually tells me that is not a person I'm probably going to connect with- not because of our differing views on sexuality, but because of the general way their views carry such tacit judgement to those around them.

I think perhaps people put themselves on a higher plane because it can be a spiritual experience. People get passionate about their experiences that have brought them to another level, and want others to understand and be happy for them. They want to find like minds. Of course, some people are disrespectful that others might not feel like that, or understand that.

Similarly, I have conversations with people who prefer casual sex, which they see as more fun and and less binding, a good way to have good friendships. I totally get that, but that also can be judgmental.
 
I think perhaps people put themselves on a higher plane because it can be a spiritual experience. People get passionate about their experiences, that has brought them to another level... and want others to understand and be happy for them. They want to find like minds... of course some people are disrespectful that others might not feel like that, or understand that.

Or they may not be comfortable with the fact that people can and do have spiritual experiences within the context of casual sex, as well. They may have a vision and definition of what casual sex is, and have a hard time seeing that there can indeed be some deep and spiritual forms of sexual expression in what is commonly referred to as casual sex.
 
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