LostinPoly
New member
Well my on and off partner of 8 years and decided we would give polyamory a try. We met swinging and have always swung together. It’s been an amazing experience together and I thought it would take things to a new level. Yes, it was my idea. My main reason, our only issue has always been that he works 7 days a week, 10-15 hour days and my work brought me to move a little over an hour away. Schedules are very difficult. Between work, kids (I took in my deceased cousins 3 kids), and life is hectic. At times, I feel very lonely and this seemed like it could be a solution. We agreed it would be me and this potential new partner 90-95% of the time. I met this woman and went on a date with her. She claimed to be a lesbian that occasionally would have sex with men. She and I had sex after the second date. Now after sex with her I really didn’t think there was much chemistry. I found her aggressive, not very femme and very pushy in general. But she was nice and open to the situation. In fact, she expressed no interest in a relationship at all. Just some fun both in and out of the bedroom without strings. Now my BF was coming to town for the night. Was supposed to be a romantic dinner and night in the city. I decided to take advantage of the timing and invited her to meet us after dinner for drinks. I was not expecting her to come back to the hotel or hours of sex but it was fun. In fact she said she couldn’t because she had a 6am conference call. Had a great time, but I still longed for that intimate time alone with him. He seemed pretty caught up in the moment and she wouldn’t take the hint to leave. I eventually got so upset I walked away from the bedroom for a moment to myself. Now it was known that we all had work in the morning and he needed to be on the road by 6:30 am. We didn’t get a moment alone. She literally blew off her 6:00 am conference call and walked out with us. I was very upset and trying hard not to make it anymore awkward. Well...when we were driving to drop me off at home I shared with him what was bothering me. He thought I was being ridiculous and overreacting. He said he really liked it and he thinks he can get used to it. Well the sex part is awesome but he is Asperger. I don’t see him being able to emotionally deal with 2 relationships simultaneously. This was the fun part but ok (sarcasm). Afterwards when I spoke to her she outright without any discussion told me I am jealous and controlling and there is no way this is for me. Ok this is a woman that has no type experience in this or swinging. I assured her that wasn’t what it was but she kept pushing. I did eventually explain what the issue was and my disappointment in not having an alone intimate time after not being able to do so in 5 months. Usually I’m extremely turned on by watching him with other women. In fact I was with her. However, at one point I wanted her to leave. I’m not one to want to sleep in a bed with anyone either. It’s intimate to me and perhaps I wasn’t there with her. I mean I even felt the same way when she came to my house. She stayed the whole night until morning! It’s not my cup of tea. She wasn’t completely letting it go but I decided to go out again with her. What seems like a nice night out turned into me saying I needed to get to bed early and work from home early in the morning. She spent a huge part of the night calling me jealous and insecure. I felt like I was defending my relationship and our dynamics. She asked me “what if I told you he gave me his number?” Implying he had. Now I have amazing trust in him never doing anything like that but I did ask him (which I hated that she was making me wonder). He said no, BTW. I just said ok, she implied you did. I told him I didn’t like that I felt like she was digging to cause issues. Now she definitely didn’t express interest in taking him from me. But she did tell me about her history in turning bi women into her long term GF. SOOOOO maybe she was trying to cause trouble. The more she brought it up the more defensive and uneasy she made me. For me it was too much. Too much drama. At one point I was sharing what he and I had discussed about her and she told me that she should be a part of those conversations. That was the point I kinda snapped back. I told her we just all met and are getting to know each other. We’ve been together 8 years and she just got here. She said she did t want any relationship. That we can take things slow and see where it goes. There is no rush. From there she went on to try to get me to join her with groups of other women. She pointed out a few and they didn’t seem my type anymore than she did. I’d had it. I went home. The next morning I told my BF everything about it and I was done with her. The drama was way too much for me.
Now there was a lot also going on in my life, I had drama going on with the kids, at work, in my family dealing with my brother’s death and launching a new business. He was also coming into an extremely busy few weeks. So he seemed upset but I told him to give me a few. 1. I felt a little jaded and wanted us to regroup after that 2. I still want to try again but first I need to take care of things and see what we can learn from this experience and 3. had sooooo much on my plate, I didn’t have time to entertain women in anyway. He seemed disappointed but okay with it. However, things have been very cold and icy. When I was asking him if everything was ok he said yes he’s just super busy. Now he says he realizes he’s been cold and distant and he’s been figuring a lot out- hinting a break up. I asked if it had to do with this incident and she said “she wasn’t the real issue”. This is after I kinda snapped at him when I brought up a female friend of mine and he hinted I should hook up with her. Being he’s been so cold and distant, it really annoyed me. I told him that had suddenly been the most conversation we’ve had in a month.
He’s Asperger and this is how he does when he doesn’t get his way. Emotional blackmail. Now things have settled and I’m still a little busy with the business but I didn’t stop chatting a little with a few women but I was so annoyed by his reaction that I’ve kept that part to myself. I’m ready to jump back in.
He’s the love of my life. This last attempt together was great and the longest we’ve managed without a break. I thought this could be it and we threw around the idea of living together again and starting a family. I’m 41!!! I’m on a clock for that.
1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?
2. Was I wrong about this woman?
3. How can I save my relationship now?
4. I’m still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?
Now there was a lot also going on in my life, I had drama going on with the kids, at work, in my family dealing with my brother’s death and launching a new business. He was also coming into an extremely busy few weeks. So he seemed upset but I told him to give me a few. 1. I felt a little jaded and wanted us to regroup after that 2. I still want to try again but first I need to take care of things and see what we can learn from this experience and 3. had sooooo much on my plate, I didn’t have time to entertain women in anyway. He seemed disappointed but okay with it. However, things have been very cold and icy. When I was asking him if everything was ok he said yes he’s just super busy. Now he says he realizes he’s been cold and distant and he’s been figuring a lot out- hinting a break up. I asked if it had to do with this incident and she said “she wasn’t the real issue”. This is after I kinda snapped at him when I brought up a female friend of mine and he hinted I should hook up with her. Being he’s been so cold and distant, it really annoyed me. I told him that had suddenly been the most conversation we’ve had in a month.
He’s Asperger and this is how he does when he doesn’t get his way. Emotional blackmail. Now things have settled and I’m still a little busy with the business but I didn’t stop chatting a little with a few women but I was so annoyed by his reaction that I’ve kept that part to myself. I’m ready to jump back in.
He’s the love of my life. This last attempt together was great and the longest we’ve managed without a break. I thought this could be it and we threw around the idea of living together again and starting a family. I’m 41!!! I’m on a clock for that.
1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?
2. Was I wrong about this woman?
3. How can I save my relationship now?
4. I’m still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?