HELP! Need advice!

LostinPoly

New member
Well my on and off partner of 8 years and decided we would give polyamory a try. We met swinging and have always swung together. It’s been an amazing experience together and I thought it would take things to a new level. Yes, it was my idea. My main reason, our only issue has always been that he works 7 days a week, 10-15 hour days and my work brought me to move a little over an hour away. Schedules are very difficult. Between work, kids (I took in my deceased cousins 3 kids), and life is hectic. At times, I feel very lonely and this seemed like it could be a solution. We agreed it would be me and this potential new partner 90-95% of the time. I met this woman and went on a date with her. She claimed to be a lesbian that occasionally would have sex with men. She and I had sex after the second date. Now after sex with her I really didn’t think there was much chemistry. I found her aggressive, not very femme and very pushy in general. But she was nice and open to the situation. In fact, she expressed no interest in a relationship at all. Just some fun both in and out of the bedroom without strings. Now my BF was coming to town for the night. Was supposed to be a romantic dinner and night in the city. I decided to take advantage of the timing and invited her to meet us after dinner for drinks. I was not expecting her to come back to the hotel or hours of sex but it was fun. In fact she said she couldn’t because she had a 6am conference call. Had a great time, but I still longed for that intimate time alone with him. He seemed pretty caught up in the moment and she wouldn’t take the hint to leave. I eventually got so upset I walked away from the bedroom for a moment to myself. Now it was known that we all had work in the morning and he needed to be on the road by 6:30 am. We didn’t get a moment alone. She literally blew off her 6:00 am conference call and walked out with us. I was very upset and trying hard not to make it anymore awkward. Well...when we were driving to drop me off at home I shared with him what was bothering me. He thought I was being ridiculous and overreacting. He said he really liked it and he thinks he can get used to it. Well the sex part is awesome but he is Asperger. I don’t see him being able to emotionally deal with 2 relationships simultaneously. This was the fun part but ok (sarcasm). Afterwards when I spoke to her she outright without any discussion told me I am jealous and controlling and there is no way this is for me. Ok this is a woman that has no type experience in this or swinging. I assured her that wasn’t what it was but she kept pushing. I did eventually explain what the issue was and my disappointment in not having an alone intimate time after not being able to do so in 5 months. Usually I’m extremely turned on by watching him with other women. In fact I was with her. However, at one point I wanted her to leave. I’m not one to want to sleep in a bed with anyone either. It’s intimate to me and perhaps I wasn’t there with her. I mean I even felt the same way when she came to my house. She stayed the whole night until morning! It’s not my cup of tea. She wasn’t completely letting it go but I decided to go out again with her. What seems like a nice night out turned into me saying I needed to get to bed early and work from home early in the morning. She spent a huge part of the night calling me jealous and insecure. I felt like I was defending my relationship and our dynamics. She asked me “what if I told you he gave me his number?” Implying he had. Now I have amazing trust in him never doing anything like that but I did ask him (which I hated that she was making me wonder). He said no, BTW. I just said ok, she implied you did. I told him I didn’t like that I felt like she was digging to cause issues. Now she definitely didn’t express interest in taking him from me. But she did tell me about her history in turning bi women into her long term GF. SOOOOO maybe she was trying to cause trouble. The more she brought it up the more defensive and uneasy she made me. For me it was too much. Too much drama. At one point I was sharing what he and I had discussed about her and she told me that she should be a part of those conversations. That was the point I kinda snapped back. I told her we just all met and are getting to know each other. We’ve been together 8 years and she just got here. She said she did t want any relationship. That we can take things slow and see where it goes. There is no rush. From there she went on to try to get me to join her with groups of other women. She pointed out a few and they didn’t seem my type anymore than she did. I’d had it. I went home. The next morning I told my BF everything about it and I was done with her. The drama was way too much for me.

Now there was a lot also going on in my life, I had drama going on with the kids, at work, in my family dealing with my brother’s death and launching a new business. He was also coming into an extremely busy few weeks. So he seemed upset but I told him to give me a few. 1. I felt a little jaded and wanted us to regroup after that 2. I still want to try again but first I need to take care of things and see what we can learn from this experience and 3. had sooooo much on my plate, I didn’t have time to entertain women in anyway. He seemed disappointed but okay with it. However, things have been very cold and icy. When I was asking him if everything was ok he said yes he’s just super busy. Now he says he realizes he’s been cold and distant and he’s been figuring a lot out- hinting a break up. I asked if it had to do with this incident and she said “she wasn’t the real issue”. This is after I kinda snapped at him when I brought up a female friend of mine and he hinted I should hook up with her. Being he’s been so cold and distant, it really annoyed me. I told him that had suddenly been the most conversation we’ve had in a month.

He’s Asperger and this is how he does when he doesn’t get his way. Emotional blackmail. Now things have settled and I’m still a little busy with the business but I didn’t stop chatting a little with a few women but I was so annoyed by his reaction that I’ve kept that part to myself. I’m ready to jump back in.

He’s the love of my life. This last attempt together was great and the longest we’ve managed without a break. I thought this could be it and we threw around the idea of living together again and starting a family. I’m 41!!! I’m on a clock for that.

1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?
2. Was I wrong about this woman?
3. How can I save my relationship now?
4. I’m still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?
 
Why did you feel the need to include her when you wanted alone time with him?

Why does he care if you are seeing someone or not?

No, I don't think you were wrong. It sounds like they are a couple manipulators.

It sounds like he is looking at this as some sort of extension of swinging. Like, if you get a gf he gets to have a little fun. You don't need to introduce him to the women you are dating. Maybe do that later if it looks like something that is going to be long term.

Or maybe, in the bigger picture, choose partners who are willing to listen to what you have to say.
 
I could be wrong but...

1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?

You invited a near stranger to have a threesome when REALLY what you wanted was alone time with your partner. I would not have invited at all.

2. Was I wrong about this woman?

You went too FAST with this woman. Hardly know her really. Now that more time passed, sounds like she likes drama and "inserting" herself into things that aren't her biz. Keep away.

3. How can I save my relationship now?

What's broken? You seem to know how he reacts with his Aspergers. Let him cool off and you cool off.

Because you want to start a family and are on the clock at 41? You may have to decide if you want to deal with the Asperger thing or not long haul. And if not? End it with him and move on to finding another nesting partner.

You already struggle with the mismatched work schedules and LDR sounding thing. Is this a relationship in name only? Is this temporary work schedules? Ask yourself the BIG questions. Don't fixate on small stuff from this one experience with this one woman.

4. I’m still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?

Yes. Go SLOWER. Don't be so fast to leap into sex or leap into group sex.

I know you come from a swinging background, but you aren't trying to swing here are you? You sound like you want poly and maybe starting a family.

Galagirl
 
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Why did you feel the need to include her when you wanted alone time with him?

Why does he care if you are seeing someone or not?

No, I don't think you were wrong. It sounds like they are a couple manipulators.

It sounds like he is looking at this as some sort of extension of swinging. Like, if you get a gf he gets to have a little fun. You don't need to introduce him to the women you are dating. Maybe do that later if it looks like something that is going to be long term.

Or maybe, in the bigger picture, choose partners who are willing to listen to what you have to say.

We went to a nice dinner and as I said she said she couldn’t stay. It was only supposed to be a meet and greet. She also had said she didn’t want a relationship so I was treating it a bit more casual. You’re absolutely right, it went to fast and that probably comes from my swinging background. At the same time, this experience made me wonder if maybe I prefer the more casual anonymous sex. Our agreement was for this to be a triad and yes, he probably is looking at this more of any extension of swinging. Thanks for the insight.
 
We went to a nice dinner and as I said she said she couldn’t stay. It was only supposed to be a meet and greet. She also had said she didn’t want a relationship so I was treating it a bit more casual. You’re absolutely right, it went to fast and that probably comes from my swinging background. At the same time, this experience made me wonder if maybe I prefer the more casual anonymous sex. Our agreement was for this to be a triad and yes, he probably is looking at this more of any extension of swinging. Thanks for the insight.

Ah, ok. It makes more sense now that it was supposed to be a triad. Triads aren't easy to do.

Nothing wrong with wanting something more casual. My wife and I were in a similar situation to yours. I was away a month or two at a time. I'm poly, but she was more into having FWB type relationships. So she had casual sex while I was gone. Meanwhile, I had my own other relationships. We'd do the occasional threesome, but not with people either of us were dating. Too messy. So there are plenty of different ways to do non-monogamy.
 
Re (from LostinPoly),
"How did this all go so horribly wrong?"

I wouldn't say it went horribly wrong, it's just that you are new to poly and are learning a little bit by trial and error. Cut yourself some slack.

Re:
"Was I wrong about this woman?"

It sounds like she was not a good fit for you. And she did cause some drama, so I don't blame you for breaking up with her. It's possible that your partner still wants to keep seeing her; if so, maybe he could see her by himself without you being involved. Or is that a bad idea due to how little time he has for you with his work schedule?

Re:
"How can I save my relationship now?"

I think you are getting a little overly dramatic here, you said yourself that he is Asperger and that this is how he acts when he doesn't get his way. If anything, you need to decide if you want to stay with him knowing that's how he will act.

Re:
"I'm still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?"

Perhaps the thing to do is to schedule things more carefully; that is, don't invite someone to join with any part of your time with him unless you are okay with the possibility that you may not get any time alone with him. Either that or, when you do invite someone to join you and him, and they overstay their welcome, be assertive and tell them, "I hope this is okay, but I would like the rest of tonight alone with him." Don't let yourself be pressured into giving that up.

Just some ideas,
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?

I think it went wrong when you expected to control how other people would feel. You can't know that someone will want to 90% of the time with you over your partner. You can't know that he will want that. I don't think she was wrong about her expectation to be part of discussions about her and what her role in your life can be. I do think it is unreasonable to invite someone into your bed as a sort of sex toy and expect them to know when to jump back into the toy box.

You say you were hinting at her to leave, but was he? Maybe you had completely different desires and he was happy to give this opportunity his full attention. I think this woman might be more experienced with the reality of polyamory than you are. People often think swinging is an ideal foundation for polyamory but I think it often gives a false impression of how relationships develop outside of casual sex environments.


2. Was I wrong about this woman?

I think she was the wrong person to be involved with while you were doing things this way. Some people would quietly shuffle away but she seems like she takes the bull by the horns and isn't willing to be treated like unicorn is often treated. I think her actions have pushed you to face uncomfortable truths about your relationship

3. How can I save my relationship now?

I'd date separately and make amends for obstructing his relationship with her. It seems like he wants more autonomy in his non-monogamy.

4. I’m still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?

Allow people autonomy over their relationships with other people. Don't try to fit people into predetermined boxes.
 
She knew all of this well in advance. 90% is due to his unavailability. Actually the number was 95%.

I did mention, she said she did not want a relationship but was in it for fun. Then proceeded the give all types of mixed signals.

“Amends for obstructing his relationship with her”? He agreed the drama she was bringing was too much.
 
Re (from LostinPoly),


I wouldn't say it went horribly wrong, it's just that you are new to poly and are learning a little bit by trial and error. Cut yourself some slack.

Re:


It sounds like she was not a good fit for you. And she did cause some drama, so I don't blame you for breaking up with her. It's possible that your partner still wants to keep seeing her; if so, maybe he could see her by himself without you being involved. Or is that a bad idea due to how little time he has for you with his work schedule?

Re:


I think you are getting a little overly dramatic here, you said yourself that he is Asperger and that this is how he acts when he doesn't get his way. If anything, you need to decide if you want to stay with him knowing that's how he will act.

Re:


Perhaps the thing to do is to schedule things more carefully; that is, don't invite someone to join with any part of your time with him unless you are okay with the possibility that you may not get any time alone with him. Either that or, when you do invite someone to join you and him, and they overstay their welcome, be assertive and tell them, "I hope this is okay, but I would like the rest of tonight alone with him." Don't let yourself be pressured into giving that up.

Just some ideas,
Regards,
Kevin T.


Agreed. The issue is that his time for me is very limited. Like I stated this is more a relationship for me that I can share with him when he is available.
 
My on and off partner of 8 years and I decided we would give polyamory a try. We met swinging and have always swung together. It’s been an amazing experience together. I thought [polyamory] would take things to a new level.

Yes, it was my idea. My main reason, our only issue, has always been that he works 7 days a week, 10-15 hour days, and my work brought me to move a little over an hour away. Schedules are very difficult. Between work, [and my] kids (I took in my deceased cousin's 3 kids), my life is hectic.

At times, I feel very lonely, and this seemed like it could be a solution. We agreed it would be me and this potential new partner 90-95% of the time. I then met this woman and went on a date with her.

She claimed to be a lesbian that occasionally would have sex with men. She and I had sex after the second date. After sex with her I really didn’t think there was much chemistry. I found her aggressive, not very femme, and very pushy in general.

But she was nice, and open to the situation. In fact, she expressed no interest in a relationship at all. Just some fun both in and out of the bedroom, without strings.

My BF was coming to town for the night. It was supposed to be a romantic dinner and night in the city. I decided to take advantage of the timing, and invited her to meet us after dinner for drinks. I was not expecting her to come back to the hotel, or hours of sex. In fact, she said she couldn’t, because she had a 6am conference call. But it was fun.

We [three] had a great time, but I still longed for that intimate time alone with him. He seemed pretty caught up in the moment, and she wouldn’t take the hint to leave. I eventually got so upset I walked away from the bedroom for a moment to myself.

It was known that we all had work in the morning, and he needed to be on the road by 6:30 am. We didn’t get a moment alone. She literally blew off her 6:00 am conference call and walked out with us. I was very upset and trying hard not to make it anymore awkward.

Well... when we were driving to drop me off at home, I shared with him what was bothering me. He thought I was being ridiculous and overreacting. He said he really liked it, and he thinks he can get used to it.

Well, the sex part is awesome, but he is Asperger. I don’t see him being able to emotionally deal with 2 relationships simultaneously. This was the fun part, but ok (sarcasm).

Afterwards, when I spoke to her, she outright, without any discussion, told me I am jealous and controlling, and there is no way this is for me. This is a woman that has no type of experience in this [polyamory], or swinging. I assured her that wasn’t what it was, but she kept pushing. I did eventually explain what the issue was, and my disappointment in not having an alone intimate time [with BF] after not being able to do so in 5 months.

Usually I’m extremely turned on by watching him with other women. In fact, I was with her. However, at one point I wanted her to leave. I’m not one to want to sleep in a bed with anyone either. It’s intimate to me, and perhaps I wasn’t there with her. I mean I even felt the same way when she came to my house. She stayed the whole night until morning! It’s not my cup of tea.

She wasn’t completely letting it go, but I decided to go out again with her. What seems like a nice night out turned into me saying I needed to get to bed early and work from home early in the morning. She spent a huge part of the night calling me jealous and insecure. I felt like I was defending my relationship and our dynamics. She asked me, “What if I told you he gave me his number?” implying he had.

I have amazing trust in him never doing anything like that, but I did ask him (I hated that she was making me wonder.) He said no. I just said, "ok, she implied you did."

I told him I didn’t like that I felt like she was digging to cause issues. Now, she definitely didn’t express interest in taking him from me. But she did tell me about her history in turning bi women into her long term GF. SOOOOO maybe she was trying to cause trouble.

The more she brought it up, the more defensive and uneasy she made me. For me it was too much. Too much drama. At one point I was sharing what he and I had discussed about her, and she told me that she should be a part of those conversations. That was the point I kinda snapped back. I told her we just all met and are getting to know each other. Bf and I have been together 8 years, and she just got here. She said she didn't want any relationship; that we can take things slow and see where it goes; there is no rush.

From there she went on to try to get me to join her with groups of other women. She pointed out a few, and they didn’t seem my type anymore than she did. I’d had it. I went home. The next morning I told my BF everything about it, and that I was done with her. The drama was way too much for me.

Now, there was a lot also going on in my life. I had drama going on with the kids, at work, in my family, dealing with my brother’s death, and launching a new business. He was also coming into an extremely busy few weeks. So he seemed upset, but I told him to give me a few.

1. I felt a little jaded, and wanted us to regroup after that
2. I still wanted to try again, but first I needed to take care of things and see what we can learn from this experience
3. I had sooooo much on my plate. I didn’t have time to entertain women in any way.

He seemed disappointed, but okay with it. However, things have been very cold and icy. When I was asking him if everything was ok, he said, yes, he’s just super busy.

Now he says he realizes he’s been cold and distant, and he’s been figuring a lot out-- hinting a break up. I asked if it had to do with this incident, and he said, “she wasn’t the real issue”. This is after I kinda snapped at him when I brought up a female friend of mine, and he hinted I should hook up with her. Being he’s been so cold and distant, it really annoyed me. I told him that had suddenly been the most conversation we’ve had in a month. He’s Asperger, and this is how he does when he doesn’t get his way. Emotional blackmail.

Now things have settled. I’m still a little busy with the business, but I didn’t stop chatting a little with a few women. But I was so annoyed by his reaction that I’ve kept that part to myself. I’m ready to jump back in.

He’s the love of my life. This last attempt together was great and the longest we’ve managed without a break. I thought this could be it, and we threw around the idea of living together again, and starting a family. I’m 41!!! I’m on a clock for that.

1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?
2. Was I wrong about this woman?
3. How can I save my relationship now?
4. I’m still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?

I just had to edit paragraph breaks into your OP. I couldn't make sense of it. Now to read on...
 
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Having now read and reread your OP, Lost, and the other responses, I will chime in.

You're in a LDR with a person with Asperger's/autism spectrum. You must know that people with this neurology are usually self-centered. My father, two of my nephews, and one man I dated for 2 1/2 years also have autism. So I am well experienced in their ways, while acknowledging all people are different, even those that are neurologically non-average.

So, your bf was fine with some sexy fun with your new dating partner. He wasn't thinking long term, he wasn't thinking of her feelings or expectations, or your feelings or expectations. He was coming from a swinger POV.

Also, both of you seem to think polyamory means threesome sex, or even triads. You may not have read much about polyamory. Most polyamorist people do NOT have threesomes or group sex.

If you hadn't seen your bf in 5 months, as others have said, you shouldn't have invited your brand new dating partner to join you for part of the date. Even if you and bf want a "triad," you didn't know if this woman was stable enough to be in one. So basically, you had a night of casual, partly non-consensual (on your end) sex. This wasn't a triad. There were no feelings of love involved. It wasn't polyamory.

So. Anyway. This woman sounds annoying, non-compatible, and it's good you broke up with her.

Back to bf. You may or may not, at age 41, want to give up your job, move back in with your on-again, off-again Asperger's workaholic bf, and start a family. If you move in with him and it's great, and you're getting along, you'll have more opportunity for sex. You'll have a little more opportunity for companionship (not much, but some). If you have a baby, you'll be too busy for polyamory. Heck, you'll be too busy and tired to even want adult time, dates, sex with bf, most likely.

But if bf tends to be at work 10-15 hours a day, 7 days a week, he obviously won't be much of a hands-on father, unless he changes his ways. Do you want such a distant man to be the father of your children? Not to mention help co-parent the 3 kids you're already raising?

My dad wasn't a workaholic, but he was (and is) extremely emotionally distant and self-centered. My sister and I felt unloved by him. He took little interest in us or our lives, unless we were into what he liked. It was all about him. He had no compassion. If people served his needs, shared his interests, cooked for him, provided him with sex and a warm bed, did his laundry, liked the kind of music he liked, were willing to listen to his monologues, he wanted to hang out with them. Otherwise, they barely existed to him.

If you decide you do NOT want to give up your job and home, do NOT want another child, do NOT want to move your three kids away from their homes and school, just to move in with this distant man you've already been on-again, off-again with for years, what then? Continue in a very infrequent relationship with him, monogamously? Try again to date a woman, but this time NOT try to put her either into a "sex toy" box, or "triad" box? Or maybe you want to seek another man to be a long term partner, husband, father of your baby? Maybe you might let relationship with bf gradually let go, as you seek a local person to get to date and see on a regular and satisfying basis. It's up to you. I'm just listing options.
 
Having now read and reread your OP, Lost, and the other responses, I will chime in.

You're in a LDR with a person with Asperger's/autism spectrum. You must know that people with this neurology are usually self-centered. My father, two of my nephews, and one man I dated for 2 1/2 years also have autism. So I am well experienced in their ways, while acknowledging all people are different, even those that are neurologically non-average.

So, your bf was fine with some sexy fun with your new dating partner. He wasn't thinking long term, he wasn't thinking of her feelings or expectations, or your feelings or expectations. He was coming from a swinger POV.

Also, both of you seem to think polyamory means threesome sex, or even triads. You may not have read much about polyamory. Most polyamorist people do NOT have threesomes or group sex.

If you hadn't seen your bf in 5 months, as others have said, you shouldn't have invited your brand new dating partner to join you for part of the date. Even if you and bf want a "triad," you didn't know if this woman was stable enough to be in one. So basically, you had a night of casual, partly non-consensual (on your end) sex. This wasn't a triad. There were no feelings of love involved. It wasn't polyamory.

So. Anyway. This woman sounds annoying, non-compatible, and it's good you broke up with her.

Back to bf. You may or may not, at age 41, want to give up your job, move back in with your on-again, off-again Asperger's workaholic bf, and start a family. If you move in with him and it's great, and you're getting along, you'll have more opportunity for sex. You'll have a little more opportunity for companionship (not much, but some). If you have a baby, you'll be too busy for polyamory. Heck, you'll be too busy and tired to even want adult time, dates, sex with bf, most likely.

But if bf tends to be at work 10-15 hours a day, 7 days a week, he obviously won't be much of a hands-on father, unless he changes his ways. Do you want such a distant man to be the father of your children? Not to mention help co-parent the 3 kids you're already raising?

My dad wasn't a workaholic, but he was (and is) extremely emotionally distant and self-centered. My sister and I felt unloved by him. He took little interest in us or our lives, unless we were into what he liked. It was all about him. He had no compassion. If people served his needs, shared his interests, cooked for him, provided him with sex and a warm bed, did his laundry, liked the kind of music he liked, were willing to listen to his monologues, he wanted to hang out with them. Otherwise, they barely existed to him.

If you decide you do NOT want to give up your job and home, do NOT want another child, do NOT want to move your three kids away from their homes and school, just to move in with this distant man you've already been on-again, off-again with for years, what then? Continue in a very infrequent relationship with him, monogamously? Try again to date a woman, but this time NOT try to put her either into a "sex toy" box, or "triad" box? Or maybe you want to seek another man to be a long term partner, husband, father of your baby? Maybe you might let relationship with bf gradually let go, as you seek a local person to get to date and see on a regular and satisfying basis. It's up to you. I'm just listing options.

I agree with almost all you said. I’ll just clarify. I wouldn’t give up my job. I can work from anywhere. I can also transfer my “home” office anywhere in the country. We grew up in the same town so moving in with him for us would be moving back home.a large reason I moved a few years ago was during our break up when I tried to put distance between us. The one plus about him being a workaholic is his success and ability to provide would not even make it necessary for me to work if we chose to live together and grow our family.

He’s very capable of extreme love and affection it’s just not consistent. And like I’m sure you can imagine it’s on his terms. Yes, the whole Asperger thing can be exhausting. He’s great with my kids. They adore him, despite him not always being around. Also I didn’t say we didn’t see each other for 5 months. We just haven’t had intimate alone time. Not only did we visit clubs, parties etc that time but also I had the kids. He does not sleep over with kids in the house. Just out of respect we’ve always done this since I’ve had my cousins kids living with me.
 
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