Thank you for more info.
I agree with Magdyln -- sometimes it is hard to let go of HS stuff.
You aren't in HS any more though. You could make other choices than you are making right now.
I mean this kindly, ok?
I think you are bending yourself into pretzels around your sick HS GF when you are just not obligated to.
Can I ask you something? Is this HS girlfriend YOUR first serious relationship? Hence the bending into pretzels?
As for AL and her mental-illness, I do not want to start or try anything until I am certain that she can think about the situation more clearly and not through the eyes of a scared girlfriend who has to fight for my affection with other partners. I have talked to her about poly relationships and that I don't need any of them to prove to me they are worthy or something like but due to her anxiety, she refuses to accept that.
This is not "joyous yes" polyamory. To me this sounds like a scared HS student who says whatever to avoid breaking up.
As for why S in particular, AL and I agreed that for the time being any partner I wish to involve in the relationship is someone that AL trusts. This list immediately denies any college classmates or people I randomly meet.
Or she asked for that agreement because it DOES limit you. (consciously or not.)
Then you dating others doesn't actually happen and she doesn't have to sweat it.
SKIP dating her friend S. It leads to a weird dynamic, and it isn't AL's job to find your other partners for you. YOU could find your other partners.
I agreed to this knowing how one-sided this was again because of AL's anxiety.
AL's anxiety source is not your doing and her anxiety management is not your responsibility.
I wonder if you agreed to this one-sided agreement because YOU don't want to have to break up with AL and YOU still want to try poly dating? And this way you seemingly get both?
Now I think I understand your hurry for AL to get well in the other thread and your over-involvement in that. Then this ill fitting agreement can be over.
There's another way to solve that though.
I understand not making things more complicated for myself I just have just gotten really good at it. It's been my life thus far so this is a little harder than I have experienced but what isn't as you are getting older.
OK. Since it's already complicated? Be ok with complexity. I think you could gently tell AL that you have kept the agreement this long, find it pinches, and will no longer be keeping it. You want to be dating people at the college. You would also like to date her if she's still up for that. Be clear and be firm.
And draw on this:
I simply want to invite S into a poly relationship. Whatever happens happens and I can accept that.
You were willing before, could be willing now. Ask someone else at the college into your poly network. And keep being willing to let whatever happens, happen. Accept it.
Including telling AL you don't want to keep that agreement any more where she's in charge of "pre-approving your partners." You could ask AL into a new poly model where YOU choose your potential partners for yourself. The person she trusts is YOU. She trusts that you won't pick out wackies to date.
Rather than her preapproving partners for you that she trusts "not to take you away."
AL might decide this new poly model where you are responsible for your own self isn't for her and she might choose to bow out.
But it is a healthier way of going because then each person responsible for their
own consent, and their
own level of participation and their
own stuff.
Rather than you making poor agreements and later trying to figure out "how to get people to do X."
You are not responsible for everyone else's behaviors and choices. Just yours.
Right now you and AL are overstepping on each other. You are way too up in
her healthcare choices. She is way too up in
your dating choices. Both could back off some and each be responsible for their OWN things.
You could also accept that not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Esp in your teens. That is part of what dating is FOR -- to sort out the incompatible ones, and the "initially compatible" from the "deeply compatible."
Galagirl