Smelling the flowers

Another way to think of it -- you let him know how you're doing, he decides what to do with that information. That's true whether you choose to phrase things in terms of rules, boundaries, guidelines, agreements, needs, or none of the above, because in the end your partner always retains free agency. So, you can say to him -- "I wanted to let you know that I think I am in a place emotionally where I'd be ok with you spending weekend time with Shasti. So, if you want that, know that you can go for it without worrying about me. If it turns out that I was wrong, and it affects me more than I thought, I'll let you know."

Nothing in there about what he should or shouldn't do, simply info about you that will (hopefully) be relevant to his decision-making process. Do you think that might feel better?
 
Yes, that makes great sense and is along the lines of what my therapist said. I kind of lost her wording.
 
It's all about you and me, baby! Oh, and them, too...

It's hard to let it fade and accept that this is how life works. ("it" being that total absorption in one another)

My husband was driving home yesterday and he seemed so distant. I think it was more perception on my side, than true behavior on his part. Although, he did spend Christmas Eve texting a new interest. I remind myself that:
1.) we were at my parents' and he's never very engaged when we're there;
2.) he was more engaged with everyone than he normally is when we're there; and
3.) I've been encouraging him to put more effort into building new relationships.

Every day behavior and lack of focus on "us" creates anxiety for me, because I do not want to fall back into our old ways where we really weren't concerned with what the other one was up to. I don't want to loose the tight connection the two of us have built, so now I'm hyper aware when his interests turn elsewhere. Days where he doesn't stop to touch me, or smile at me, or say something intimate/private to me are hard. Reminding myself that he loves me and that our connection is strong helps quiet my insecurities. I just wish they'd go away. I wish I'd quit feeling the loss, the threat. I need to trust more in the poly concept that if I take care to be a great partner to him that outside relationships won't weaken what we have. That a bit of distance and focus outside of the relationship is normal and healthy even in very strong relationships. It's one thing to know that, but it's another to relax into that. :rolleyes:

I'm reminding myself that if he finds someone close by (as opposed to 2+ hrs away) that it'll be possible for him to see her without having to go for several days at a time. Yay, for normal life! Plus, if he is dating locally, then it'll give me more freedom to plan things with the men I'm seeing when he's working locally.

I'm also focusing on how wonderful and exciting it is for him to feel all of this new relationship stuff. I kind of screwed myself over by being jealous before, so now he's hesitant to share things with me. I want us to get back to our previous mindset. Back to when he first started seeing Shasti and I was so nervous for him and felt kind of parental with wanting her to like him and for things to go well. With him sharing his mixed feelings and hopes.

A couple of cool things about his new interest: she rebuilt a car engine in high school, she's really attractive, and she plays cribbage. The playing cribbage is something I think Twitch will really appreciate as I'm an epic fail when it comes to that. Small things like that remind me of why open relationships rock.
 
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/smacks forehead

I can't believe I forgot to mention this...

Saturday night we have a little surprise b'day party for Twitch (41 on the 18th). It was hosted by one of our kink friends and all of the guests were from that community. One of our really close friends is a very skilled rigger with a number of the guests also being experienced with rope. One of the budding riggers is an amazing lady, RSL, and she suspended Twitch. He was wearing a kilt with the high socks and I helped transition the two of them from awkward, "gee, can we do this with him partially dressed", to "hey, you are going to have to stripped down to your b'day suit in order for this to work." It was a lot of fun to watch her rope work. She's gotten quite good in the past year. Our very skilled suspension friend was there to consult with and watch over to make sure things were done properly and safely which lent an air of security.

RSL is a poly girl who isn't in any serious relationships right now, but is seeking.

Afterwards we all moved back upstairs to the living room. Twitch was sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace and she sat down next to him. After a bit they got too warm and when they moved over to the couch by me and some of other friends she threw her leg was over his in a very snuggly fashion. I loved it. I love that my life can have those elements in it. I love that some other woman is attracted to my man and would gladly take him as a lover. It made me happy for him. It made me happy that they were both comfortable doing that in front of me...that I haven't sent out vibes that he is my territory.
 
Instant reactions - unmasked expressions

I'm very expressive and I react quickly. Damn it all.

Saturday before leaving for Twitch's surprise party I dampened the mood between us accidentally. I was pretty sure I had ruined what I was hopeful was going to be a very nice evening for us. I hate that. It can happen so quickly, and Twitch isn't the type to let you back away from a first reaction. He holds that and won't listen to you that you may have reacted in such a matter, but upon further thought and consideration that you wish to reverse your response.

This time it wasn't so much that as he read my reaction wrong. He put meaning to my reaction that wasn't correct and then had a hard time letting it go and being okay.

We were finishing our wedding thank-you's and we had come to Orville and Shasti's. We were going to send two separate thank-you's even though it was a joint gift. Twitch suggested that I write Orville's and he Shasti's. My face clouded over and he was upset. I was thinking, oh, geez, that's going to put me in a bad light with Shasti. I had intended to write her a thank-you note in September, but ran out of time with all of the wedding stuff. So, I was already feeling like I really owed her a thank-you. Plus, we'd just come back from her big birthday bash and again, I felt the need to thank her for including us (me.) Twitch thought my emotion was jealousy and he was upset that it seemed I'd never be past that emotion when it came to her.

Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people with a poker face. And while I'm wishing for "ifs and ands" I wish my husband would allow me to back myself away from those instant reactions and not hold it against me when I'd give anything to erase that moment, because it truly isn't always the truth.
 
... I wish my husband would allow me to back myself away from those instant reactions and not hold it against me when I'd give anything to erase that moment, because it truly isn't always the truth.

This very much resonated with me...thank you for saying it out loud (or in type, in public, as the case may be :). I can have initial reactions for reasons that I don't understand, that are interpreted in a certain way, and, after I puzzle it out, don't reflect the way that I REALLY feel, just an fleeting thought. I often can't refute the impression at the time because, until I look at it closer, I don't always know why I had the initial reaction.

JaneQ
 
This very much resonated with me...thank you for saying it out loud (or in type, in public, as the case may be :). I can have initial reactions for reasons that I don't understand, that are interpreted in a certain way, and, after I puzzle it out, don't reflect the way that I REALLY feel, just an fleeting thought. I often can't refute the impression at the time because, until I look at it closer, I don't always know why I had the initial reaction.

JaneQ

JaneQ, I'm happy to hear that I'm not alone in this. :) If only life were a screenplay and all of our reactions were carefully planned out to reflect the exact message we wish to portray. :p
 
Busy bees or is that busy beavers?

Busy date night for hubby and me last night. I didn't think I was going to be doing anything, but WP contacted me and said that if I wanted to get together he'd ask his other girl if they could get together the next night seeing as he'd seen her two days before. I think he was motivated by the fact that we hadn't seen each other since the 13th. I appreciate the fact that he is trying to build something between us and that he didn't care to leave too long of a gap in us getting together.

So, I had a second date and Twitch had a first date. I couldn't wait to hear how things went for him; what his impression was, if conversation flowed, if she was what he was expecting, and so on and so forth. One of the dogs woke me at 3 AM to be let out and I was sorely tempted to wake him and pepper him with questions, but I restrained myself. LOL. I know, shocking, right?! Hey, I can control myself once in a while! :p Besides, I was SO tired. I had gotten to bed at midnight. (Yawn)

The alarm went off at 5 AM and I laid there contemplating taking a sick day. After meditating for 10 minutes and trying to keep my mind off of excuses for not going into work, I finally sucked it up and got in the shower. Thirty minutes later he pulled himself from bed and did the same. While he showered I asked him about his night.

Report: He liked her. She was bigger than he thought she'd be, but it wasn't a deal-breaker. (She's into fitness this year and it's a major priority for her and he started doing triathlons this year, so they are well matched in this regard. His preference in women is not stick thin, so really it's not an issue, IMO.) She can hold a conversation and is interesting. Quote, "She didn't annoy me too much." What??!! Men! I wonder if they all have these thoughts!

"She didn't annoy me too much." Gawd. I wanted to smack him.

Question: "Did you have sex?" (I knew by the hour he arrived home that they had. Plus the fact that he left with a bottle of wine and the fact that she had decided that he should come to her house rather than meet at a pub for a bite to eat.)
Answer: "Yes."
Question: "Well, how was it?"
Answer: "Good. It was fun."
Question: "You going to see her again?"
Answer: "Maybe. I don't know yet."

I know he will. He said they were done doing the nasty by 11 PM and he got home after 1 PM. It's a 40 minute drive. He wasn't exactly busting to get away.

I'm tickled and a bit dismayed. I think his night went well, but geez, his answers. Is that how men think? Or is he being a bit crude? Or is this how men play it cool? Whatever! He had a good time. I pretty certain of it.

My date went well and on the way home my D.C. guy was texting me about a 20 y.o. that had contacted him on OKC and then texted him for hours that night. She has a daddy complex and now he's intrigued. Good grief, he's 60. Granted he is in fantastic physical shape (6 pack abdomen and tight, lovely skin), but that age gap is huge. I wanted to point out that he could be her grandfather, not just her daddy! He said she was visiting family for the holiday and that she suddenly disappeared and quit texting. I replied back that her mother probably told her it was bedtime. (teehee! this is going to be fun!) Truth is he sees two other ladies that are in their mid-twenties. IMO, there is a big difference in life experience between twenty and twenty-six or twenty-eight, though. He can certainly keep up, but why would he want to? I guess men and women think differently about this. Earlier last night I sent an eighteen year old a no-thank-you reply; I want lovers to have mad skills and that takes time and experience. And beyond that, I want some commonality.
 
IMO, there is a big difference in life experience between twenty and twenty-six or twenty-eight, though. He can certainly keep up, but why would he want to? I guess men and women think differently about this. Earlier last night I sent an eighteen year old a no-thank-you reply; I want lovers to have mad skills and that takes time and experience.
Yes! I have limited patience for teaching! I want sex to be skilled as we leave the gate. That is one of the reasons why, despite allowing myself some fantasies about him, I am resisting the temptation of hooking up with a 23-year-old guy at my job who is very clearly crushing on me (bigger reason is, I don't want drama at my job). I am over twice his age and, although the idea of having several younger lovers is appealing to my inner cougar, I don't want anyone inexperienced fumbling around down there, hahaha!

Maybe for men, it's less complicated when they think about boinking younger women.
 
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Yes! I have limited patience for teaching! I want sex to be skilled as we leave the gate. That is one of the reasons why, despite allowing myself some fantasies about him, I am resisting the temptation of hooking up with a 23-year-old guy at my job who is very clearly crushing on me (bigger reason is, I don't want drama at my job). I am over twice his age and, although the idea of having several younger lovers is appealing to my inner cougar, I don't want anyone inexperienced fumbling around down there, hahaha!

Maybe for men, it's less complicated when they think about boinking younger women.

I hear ya! My thoughts exactly! :D
 
Just wanted to say, it's not too late to send Shasti a nice handwritten note. Not just thank-you for the wedding gift, but a "thank you for being my metamour" sort of note.

People don't send cards and letters enough anymore. It always delights me to get one.
 
Just wanted to say, it's not too late to send Shasti a nice handwritten note. Not just thank-you for the wedding gift, but a "thank you for being my metamour" sort of note.

People don't send cards and letters enough anymore. It always delights me to get one.

Meera, that thought has popped into my head a few times. I think I may follow through and do it. Thanks for the nudge. :)
 
Don't trust your gut reaction

I spoke to my therapist about the instant reaction fallout with Twitch. I don't know if I can relay it properly here as some time has passed since our discussion, but basically we react on three combined levels; physiological, emotion, and past experiences. It's human nature to react instantly and we tend to believe that our reactions are pure and true, but they aren't. We aren't capable of being unbiased due to these influences. The key is to recognize this inability and trust that our partner's explanation is honest and true. It takes trust in your partner and it may go against what you know to be true in your head. But we view things through an emotional "me" filter that is clouded, so we have to trust that the other person is being honest and we have to let go of whatever thought our minds have glommed onto.

Good to know. :)

Here's another concept that we covered, but I want to go over it again with her - please feel free to expound on it here if you have a handle on this. You are not responsible for your partner's happiness/unhappiness or any other emotion they may be experiencing. Her argument was that you know it's solely the other person's thing because you can say the same thing to two people and their reactions are not the same (i.e., one person may have a strong reaction, but the other won't have a reaction at all, therefore, we know that it's how it's interpreted and on them.

I get it on some levels, but I'm not sure how to bring that into my treatment of my partner(s). I mean, asinine behavior is hurtful and if I chose to go there, then I go there knowing that I'm probably going to hurt someone, so doesn't that leave me with some responsibility for their emotional state?
 
Well... I'll try to give feedback then. And good for you for working with your therapist! That is commendable. :)

You are not responsible for your partner's happiness/unhappiness or any other emotion they may be experiencing.

I get it on some levels, but I'm not sure how to bring that into my treatment of my partner(s). I mean, asinine behavior is hurtful and if I chose to go there, then I go there knowing that I'm probably going to hurt someone, so doesn't that leave me with some responsibility for their emotional state?

You are not responsible for WHAT they feel. They feel whatever it is.

Is "I am responsible for taking care of my own health and well being, and for that of my partner" in your implied or stated covenant/agreement/standard of relationship? Do you give them the right to have "support/nurture" behavior from you?

If so, then you are responsible for your partner's HEALTH and WELL BEING. Your behavior contributes to that because your behavior helps create the environment for your shared relationship. Your behavior toward your partner includes support/nurture behavior from you should they need comforting. You are not responsible for WHAT they feel, but you are responsible for HOW you tend to them, when they feel whatever it is. Happy joys, or sad concerns that they might have -- hopefully you tend to them with loving kind behavior and not asinine behavior.

If you are the one being asinine? That is your BEHAVIOR. Not your feelings. If the person receiving this behavior is your partner, they probably hope that you choose to apply loving and kind behavior toward them rather than choosing asinine behavior toward them. They do not wish to be hurt by you, their partner.

If you do not make it a habit of choosing loving and kind behavior toward them, and choose asinine behavior to treat them with, they may feel yucky. In time, they may tire of feeling yucky and choosing "put up with it" type behavior. They might choose new behavior: ask you "Are you aware of what you are doing? And that is it asinine?" You risk being asked that in choosing asinine behavior toward partner.

Having learned behavior X is asinine, if you CONTINUE to apply that behavior? They may choose a new behavior for themselves so they can feel better and yucky free: Choose to break up with you. You risk that also.

If your relationship agreements with your partner include the responsibility of "I am responsible for tending my own and my partner's healths: mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health" then you are in violation of that agreement/trust. They have every right to dump you then for not honoring agreement.

So... basically what behavior you do is still up to you. You are always free to choose your conduct. But you are not free from consequences of your choice, and you are not free from the obligations, agreements and responsibilities you signed up to honor and tend when you signed up to be in relationship with your partner.

Where is the confusion? :confused: Is it that your partner is trying to make you responsible for how they feel? If your assess and find that your conduct toward them is appropriate, loving and kind -- then could it be that they may be avoiding personal responsibility?

Everyone has to hold their own baggage.

You can't MAKE your partner feel happy, or feel sad or feel whatever. But you CAN acknowledge that your behavior affects your partner in some fashion because you are in relationship. And choosing healthy, loving, kind behavior to treat them with ups the odds of them feeling appreciated and cared about by you. You can't MAKE them feel loved (maybe they suffer depression and that clouds their perception internally) but it ups the odds for them to be able to feel that because you help create the loving EXTERNAL environment in the relationship for them to feel it IN. (Whatever they have going on in their internal environment inside their own heads... that's not in your control. Things like depression could need a doctor's care.)

To be in right relationship with you partner, you honor the agreements you have made between you.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Surprise, like a cupcake with a suprise filling

I'm not big on cupcakes most days. I have a friend that is known for her delicious cupcakes. She brings them to all of our social gatherings. If I can just get myself to go there I know that it's going to be a delight to my taste buds as she often has a surprise filling inside it or some other flavor explosion lying in wait. And yet, I hesitate. Do I want something so sweet? Do I want to indulge myself? How is this going to make me feel afterwards?

So, cupcakes and young(er) men seem to be something I like, but really hold myself back from. Is it that they're too sweet? Missing that layer of cynicism acquired over the years?

Last night I went on a first date that initially I had a lot of resistance to. He's 30. Going through a divorce. Father of a preschooler. So damn young! I'd blown him off on OKC, then felt guilt because of my age discrimination. He kept popping up from time to time with messages. I asked Twitch for his input. He read through is profile and then encouraged me to go out with him.

As I was getting ready for the date I started remembering the huge crush I had had when I was 30 on a guy who at the time was 47, my current age. And it helped me put things in perspective. I was plenty mature at 30 and I was totally digging this man who was 47. Nothing immature or lacking there in my attraction or his appeal. To this day my stomach does flip flops when I see a picture of him on fb that one of his daughters has posted.

I left for the date in a freer mindset, ready to allow myself to enjoy meeting this guy, this boy. I gave myself permission to ignore the internal dialog that was telling me I was a fool and people were going to be all judgey about me being out with someone 17 years my junior.

Let me just say, he's so freaking cute! Damn. But here's where it could get weird - he looks so much like my youngest son. I'm going to suppress that. LOL

We met at a restaurant for dinner and drinks. Conversation flowed, attraction flared. I wanted to leave by 9:30, so that I would be home by 10:00. I hadn't seen Twitch since Sunday morning and he'd only be home for the night and then gone the next night. I checked my watch at 8:30 and was relieved that it was still early. That was a good sign.

Nine-thirty came and we started to end our night, but it was hard to cut off the conversation. We finally walked out the door forty minutes later.

He walked me to my car and kissed me. I love kissing. I'm often disappointed. Too much this, not enough that. I'm sure you've been there. Let me just say I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED. Damn. :D

In retrospect I'm asking myself, "Am I nuts? Why in the world would I want to avoid that?!!!" What's wrong with sweet and a lack of cynicism? What's wrong with someone who hasn't built up walls (that I'm invariably going to find too daunting or just plain annoying)? What's wrong with immersing myself in youthful enthusiasm and optimism? His zest for life and loving was infectious. My optimistic nature resonated with his and while he's more spiritual than I am, I find myself alight after our first date.
 
Well... I'll try to give feedback then. And good for you for working with your therapist! That is commendable. :)

You are not responsible for how they feel. But you are responsible for your partner's HEALTH and WELL BEING. Your behavior contributes to that because your behavior helps create the environment for your shared relationship.

Is "I am responsible for my own health, and for that of my partner" in your implied or stated covenant/agreement/standard of relationship?

You are the one being asinine? That is your BEHAVIOR. Not your feelings. If this person receiving this behavior is your partner, they probably hope that you choose to apply loving and kind behavior toward them rather than choosing asinine behavior toward them. They do not wish to be hurt by you, their partner.

If you do not make it a habit of choosing loving and kind behavior toward them, and choose asinine behavior to treat them with, they may feel yucky. In time, they may tire of feeling yucky and choosing "put up with it" type behavior. They might ask you if you are aware of what you are doing? And that is it asinine?

You risk that. Having learned behavior X is asinine, if you CONTINUE to apply that behavior -- They may choose a new behavior for themselves so they can feel better and yucky free: Choose to break up with you. You risk that also.

If your relationship agreements with your partner include the responsibility of "I am responsible for my own and my partner's healths: mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health" then you are in violation of that agreement/trust. They have every right to dump you then for not honor agreement.

So... basically what behavior you do is still up to you. You are always free to choose your conduct. You are not free from consequences of your choice.
So if you choose to treat partners with asinine behavior that you are aware of and know is asinine, be prepared for them to react with bad feeling then when you apply that behavior to them.

You can choose to continue it and risk them dumping you for treating them with less than loving kind behavior. Or you can choose to change your asinine behavior and avoid that risk.

Where is the confusion? :confused: Is it that your partner is trying to make you responsible for how they feel? If your assess and find that your conduct toward them is appropriate, loving and kind -- then could it be that they may be avoiding personal responsibility?

Everyone has to hold their own baggage.

You can't MAKE your partner feel happy, or feel sad or feel whatever. But you CAN acknowledge that your behavior affects your partner in some fashion because you are in relationship. And choosing healthy, loving, kind behavior to treat them with ups the odds of them feeling appreciated and cared about by you. You can't MAKE them feel loved (maybe they suffer depression for example and that clouds their perception) but it ups the odds for them to be able to feel that because you help create the loving environment in the relationship for them to feel it IN.

HTH!
Galagirl

Thank you, GG. I am going to read through this a couple of times. It makes sense, though. FYI: I haven't behaved in an asinine way. I was just wondering where a person's responsibilities for their partner's mental health lie. You've explained it very well. Thanks!
 
I was still editing, sorry.

I figured you were not actually being asinine -- it was more like one of those " journal musing things." I get that.

But it resonated with me as one of those "Shiny Thought" exercises. So I responded. I may steal it for my OWN journal thread now! I dig Shinies. :)

GG
 
Is my polywog growing into a full fledge poly tadpole?

Twitch spent Sunday through Monday evening with Shasti. It was a test to see how I'd cope. I was anxious going into this. The last time he spent two days with her was last August and the wheels really came off the bus. I was scared. Scared for myself. That was the single most awful experience of my life. I don't ever want to feel that way again. To feel so much pain that suicide felt like a viable solution to end the pain.

I had been encouraging him to see if he could go down the 12-13th, but she had something planned, so it happened sooner than I was prepared for.

I pre-gamed as quickly as possible; I contacted several lovers to see what their availability was, but I didn't have much success. WP thought he might be able to come over for two hours in the afternoon and McCoy had his kids starting that day (50/50 shared custody), but he could get away for a couple of hours that night. I then asked a friend, Franki, if she wanted to hang out at one of our houses. We live close to an hour apart. We have gotten really close over the past year, but due to the distance between our homes we haven't really hung out together in this way. We've had Franki and Smatch, her hubby, up for dinner once, but I haven't been to her home yet.

In the end I declined the midday interlude with WP, spent the day with Franki, and two hours with McCoy. It had been a long time since McCoy and I had seen each other. (The holidays/family had interfered with our plans and we'd canceled a number of dates.)

It turned out to be a very nice day. Franki and I hung out, chatted, cooked, ate, chatted, ran to the city on a fruitless trip to buy material for a project I was contemplating, but then changed my mind about doing, returned to my house and chatted some more. It was relaxing and bonding.

Seeing McCoy after so much time renewed my interest, actually heightened my interest, in him. He's awfully good looking and fun to talk to. I'm seeing him on the 14th. He's cooking dinner for me. :p

The day ended and while I was aching from missing Twitch, I knew I was okay and that the day had been a success. I was a bit sad that he didn't return a text I sent at bedtime, but it wasn't a big deal.

Monday arrived. I had to return to work after having the previous week off. Why does the first day back have to be so painful? I think it's universal to wish for one more day following time off. :)

That morning I received a text from him. Part of the text was, "Had issues with the white elephant."

I sent him one back...
"...I'm sorry that the white elephant is still messing with you. If I'm part of the problem I'm sorry. You have my total permission to be doing what you're doing. Please don't feel I'm unhappy with you having sex/relationship with Shasti. I love you!"

Texts went back and forth. A reaffirmation of I love yous, I'll see you tonight, etc. I told him that I had a date with the kid, but that I hoped I'd be home by a decent time. "I miss you SO much."

Twitch: "Don't know when I am leaving. It will be after the traffic is done. I would guess 9 or 10 I would get home. Is that all right."

Me: "Yes. It's about the same time I expect to get home, too. I'm really glad I made plans for tonight now. It would have been a rough night otherwise."

Twitch: "Do I. Need to call it a day and leave at noon and come home?"

Me: "Nope. Just glad I'm going to have a full night. Kind of pleased that I'm hanging in there. Thanks for asking, though. That means a lot."

Twitch: "I guess I need to know if I need to end this today if you have to hard of a time with me coming down"

Me: "No, you don't. Not at all."

Twitch: "K"

Me: "It just gets long. But I'm okay."

A smattering of texts, but they held so much importance for us. He offered to end things even though Shasti means a lot to him. I was touched that he offered. That he'd choose me over her, but in my heart of hearts I didn't want that at all. I wasn't even expecting him to go there. I'm at a place now where I love that he has this person who brings so much into his life.

I didn't get home from my date until 11 PM. I was excited to see lights on in the house. I was worried that Twitch had given up and gone to bed, which I would likely have interpreted to mean that he was unhappy that I didn't get home an hour earlier like I said I was going to. But he was awake and he was in a great mood and we were both so happy to see each other.

We shared a bit about happenings in our lives over the past two days and then we hit the sheets. :eek: And it felt good on so many levels.
 
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I was still editing, sorry.

I figured you were not actually being asinine -- it was more like one of those " journal musing things." I get that.

But it resonated with me as one of those "Shiny Thought" exercises. So I responded. I may steal it for my OWN journal thread now! I dig Shinies. :)

GG

Very cool. :) I'm glad it sparked you. And again, thanks!
 
Do they know?

The alarm went off at 5 AM. I laid in bed for a good five minutes before dragging myself out of bed. My body was protesting the measly five hours of sleep I had gotten and I was reluctant to move away from Twitch's naked body and into the chilled room.

Shortly after I stepped from the shower, Twitch joined me. He'd already let the dogs out to potty. He actually didn't need to be up until shortly before six, so I was pleased that he'd decided to get up so that he could see me before I left. Taking care of the dogs was another nice thing he'd done to make my life easier. I felt blessed.

As he showered and I finished getting ready at the sink he shared more of the conversation that had transpired between him and Shasti. It had to do with a question that one of her friends asked her sister at her b'day bash last month. She asked if "Shasti was also dating 'that guy'?" (Twitch) I guess her sister coyly answered something along the lines of, "Maybe. Maybe not."

Twitch found this amusing. And as he puts it, "Any answer other than 'No' is a yes."

Astounding. They didn't really even talk to each other at the party. I have no clue what vibes this friend could have picked up on. For the first half of the party Twitch and I sequestered ourselves in a corner and had an in depth relationship talk. He was feeling low about his hidden status and I was bolstering his self-esteem. We were touching base and making sure the other was fine. Stuff like that. Very, very couple-ish. And Orville was filling the "date" role for Shasti. Baffling that anyone may have suspected.

I think Twitch is secretly pleased. And I pretty sure he's pleased that her sister is in the know. That's a big deal to him. He's been working on getting past his hurt that he has never been introduced to her friends.

Their conversation covered whether any of his family or friends knew about her. Friends; yes, most know. At least our closest ones. Family; he thinks his mother knows and he thinks his sister knows. Or that they at least suspect. His mother has called him when he's either been going to or from Shasti's city and he's said that he's driving to/from there and that he's visiting a friend. He may have even dropped her name. At Thanksgiving time while visiting his family he went shopping with his sister. He picked out Shasti's b'day gift and said it was for a friend. (He'd already told her that he and I were going to her b'day party.) When checking out his sister made a comment to the sales clerk that the scarves were for his girlfriend. When he gave her a "look" she said, "Well, she's a girl and she's your friend."

Shasti expressed that she's afraid that some of her friends may judge her or that she may lose them if they knew she was dating a married man. I get that, but I have a feeling that Twitch can't relate.

Hearing that he suspects his family knows that he has a girlfriend leaves me with mixed emotions. On some levels I hate that they may know, but at the same time it somewhat amuses me. It leaves me nervous. I wonder how they perceive our marriage and me. I ask myself why it matters to me - we rarely see them. But it does matter, although not greatly. I don't want them to think negative thoughts about me or our relationship and I fear that is how this relationship style is perceived by most. Maybe it would be better if we had an actual discussion with them so that we could explain it in a manner that shows our solidarity and doesn't leave them thinking that what we're doing is tawdry.

I don't say anything to Twitch about my uneasiness and sadness about his family suspecting. He's feeling too buoyed from his time with Shasti for me to cloud things. I also don't think it's something I need to burden him with. I wanted this relationship style. I led him into it. I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with this side of it, too.

Mostly, though, I'm feeling happy for Twitch that he's not so invisible in Shasti's life. His high spirits are contagious. Not to mention my own sense of euphoria over my surprisingly fun date with....he needs a name. One of the ladies he dates named him "Sexiest Man on Earth" in her blog. (Kind of freaked him out between that and her manic moods and rapidly increasing attachment to him.) I'm going to call him Thad. He looks like a Thad. Thick wavy, brown hair that needed a haircut four weeks ago. Strong square jaw. Beautiful eyes. Wide smile.

It's obvious that Twitch feels much more sure of his relationship with Shasti. He's more relaxed and he's sharing more than he's shared in months. I know that my restored sense of self and security in our relationship has played a big role in this and I'm pleased. Pleased that we've reached this point. Pleased that I feel so connected to my husband in this moment.
 
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