why cant i stop thinking about this???

PolyK2

New member
Hello all, my name is Karina. I'm in a monogamous relationship with the love of my life. He is everything I've ever wanted, and more! He has shown me so much, and I'm a better person because of him. I've learned to be really honest with myself, and how to be completely 100% honest and vulnerable with someone. I owe all this to my spouse, and I'll love him till the day I die.
I love seeing him happy, doing nice things for him and spoiling him and It would make me so happy to see him enjoy life with another woman. He hasn't been in many long term relationships, and has been hurt by girls in the past. (I say girls because these people don't deserve to be called women.) He has so much love to give, and makes me so happy, I know life could be great if we had a third. I know it would enhance my life!
So, off the mushy stuff, I've talked to him about polyamory before, many times actually. He has been open minded about it, mostly. There was a brief period where he said he didn't want to try it because he heard it's a pain in the ass having two women nag at you. But it seems he is over that, and has been completely open to the idea. I am over the moon with excitement to try this. I get twitterpated just thinking about it. I honestly can't get it off my mind!!! So that's the problem: I can't stop thinking, researching, and talking about it. And I know it's probably so annoying to my spouse.
I feel like I have a desire to do this for the right reasons. They're not selfish reasons either, and I know my spouse doesn't think I want this for selfish reasons. But WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!! Life seems like it would be so rewarding with 3 people. Yes, I know, it's a LOT of work, but like I said before I'm super honest and don't hold back anything. I'm an open book to my spouse. I would love to have a girlfriend best friend whom I can share great times with, make memories with, and love alongside my man. And it would make me so happy to see him enjoying life with not only me, but another who has both our hearts, and can challenge him in ways I don't.
Idk, maybe it's a sex thing too?? I have a serious fetish with the whole cuckquean thing. But not for humiliation reasons, for reasons of love and passion, and nonjealousy. I just think: Who cares if my husband is enjoying sex with another woman he loves?? I agreed and I want to see him enjoying every bit of life (within reason) to the extent that is enjoyable for us.
So, what can I do or say or what to get this off my mind, because I feel like I'm going crazy! Idk where to meet people, how to approach people, how to set boundaries. I'm lost! He doesn't want to try to meet people off the internet, and I'm pretty scared to do that anyway. But we're both chickens when it comes to trying to hit on someone. I've never really had to go hit on people, and he is shy and thinks he's being a nerd or automatically friend zoned.

Please help me. :confused:
 
He was right the first time. It sucks having two women nagging at you, especially when their periods start to synchronize. He should trust his first impression.
 
. . . I know life could be great if we had a third. I know it would enhance my life!

Oh, and how lucky that woman will be to have the opportunity to enhance your life!!!!!1@one!!!

I am sure there are many out there who will want to be your... um, er... "third."

I am over the moon with excitement to try this. I get twitterpated just thinking about it. I honestly can't get it off my mind!!! . . . I would love to have a girlfriend best friend whom I can share great times with, make memories with, and love alongside my man.

Good luck with that just magically appearing! I think you might as well indulge yourself in the fantasy, since it is hardly likely to happen in real life. ;)
 
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Hello OP<

So what you are asking is how to stop thinking about it all the time?
Everyone is an individual, it is harder than some people to get over an obsession. I imagine you have only been reading material that reinforces your obsession positively. What you need to do is have some honest input, to that end, you made the right choice coming on here :)
I would suggest reading this forum extensively, it will make a huge difference.

Natja
x
 
You go and find people to date and let him find people to date. If you had no insecurities and were truly in this poly thing for unselfish reasons, you'd have no need to date people together.
 
The way to get over your obsession is to do a reality check. How likely is it that your dream woman will just pop out of nowhere, especially since you are not going to do anything proactive to find her, like join OkCupid. You are obsessed over a fantasy that doesn't exist in the real world.
 
The day dreamy idolizing you're doing reminds me of a couple expecting their first child. You imagine the love and the connection you'll have. How this new person will fit so seamlessly into your lives and enhance it so many amazing ways.

Anyone with kids can tell you that what you're actually getting is a real person. A person with their own personality, sleep patterns, eating habits, likes and dislikes, fears, needs, demands; the list is endless. It is rewarding but honestly it is the exact opposite of easy.

If you proceed then its great to do so optimistically. But keep reality in mind. You're asking for a person not a doll. People are complicated. This experience will tax your relationship in ways you can't even imagine.
 
So umm... I never said this person has to fit into a specific idea. I'm a super open minded person and I'm great at taking people as they are... My only question was not how do I get it off my mind. I also asked where to meet people, how to approach them... What is it like being in your first poly relationship? Honestly I'm a bit turned off by all the negative reactions... Like I said before, I know it's gonn be a lot of work, but I'm willing to do that! I'm not over here in lala land being näive.. Maybe my original post was gushy but I think I asked a couple valid questions... Also, a triad is what we both want because we want to be able to share experiences with the same person, NOT because of insecurities... I wish so many assumptions weren't made...
 
But I do appreciate the suggested reading and good advice! I've been researching this poly thing for over a year so ive read a lot of this site and blogs and seen documentaries and stuff, but I've never knowingly met a poly person.
 
I was not negative OP and I really did take you at face value when you said you wanted to stop thinking about it all the time, I did think that you did not have realistic expectations of Poly and needed to talk to people/read experiences that were in a less rose coloured image.

Also, a triad is what we both want because we want to be able to share experiences with the same person, NOT because of insecurities... I wish so many assumptions weren't made...

To be honest this is the biggest unrealistic expectation of all. A person is not an experience for you and your husband to share, they are their own person. Please stop objectifying people, it is what makes threads like yours become negative, they are in reaction to the way you word things.

Please do keep reading,
Natja
 
We would like to share experiences with the same "PERSON". Notice I said PERSON, not " my husband and I would like to have the same experience."
 
And by person I meant our third if that were to ever happen (although people seem quite certain that that'll never happen)
 
A person is not to be shared like a pizza. Did you read the link above by David Noble? So, somebody called you a unicorn hunter?

So, you just posted on this really cool Poly forum that your friend told you about. You posted that you and your partner are ready to open up your relationship and find a special person to add to it. For some reason, a ton of people seemed upset at your post and started replying with a bunch of hostile, snarky comments that didn’t describe you at all. They told you that you were doing it wrong, that you are bad for wanting to find someone, and that you should go read a book. Wait, I thought these people were Poly?! Aren’t they supposed to be open and accepting? What’s the deal?

One thing that many of them said was that you are a “Unicorn Hunter”. Not knowing what they meant, you asked your good friend Google what a “Unicorn Hunter” was, and you figured that out. A “Unicorn” is that rare, mythical figure that many couples look for, a polyamorous, bisexual woman (Yay! That sounds great!), someone who might want to date both you and your partner. That sounds good. That means that “Unicorn Hunters” are a couple who are looking for that person to join their Dyad, to make a Triad.

The reason that people sometimes HATE Unicorn Hunters, the reason that you got the feedback that you did when you posted your ad on that forum, is because people who say things like what you said, who post what you did, are almost ALWAYS constructing a very small box for someone, telling them to be happy to crawl inside of it, sit still, be obedient, and it’s ALL FOR NOTHING.

My point is that you are never safe. Your current relationship is not safe whether you open it up or not.

Mags, former unicorn hunter
 
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Picking on the poly-triad hopefuls again? You wanna be careful how you treat the newcomers. Most unwelcoming, you know. I think there's like a law or something against that here. You could get sent directly to jail, and not be allowed to collect $200 of fake paper monopoly money, by Hasbro or Parker Brothers, i forget which is which, they both have "bro" in them.
 
You can't stop thinking about it because you are flush with the brain chemicals of a crush. You are crushing HARD with the idea/fantasy of poly.

You are excited and want more of the brain feel-good hit and this leads you to wanting to try it on.

Understandable. Totally. It's fun to be crushy drunk. :)

But could not drive while drunk. Could enjoy the "wheee!" feelings of the fantasies but still stop to assess reality if you really are going to start polydating.

Do you have the "willing and able" of all players? You certainly sound willing. Do you have all the skills to be able?

What about DH? How willing is he? How able? Do you both need to take a time out to grow some intrapersonal and interpersonal skills first?

What have you already read? What's your plan for weathering the transition? What are the logistics -- dating takes time, money, energy, etc. What about dealing with avoiding pitfalls and poly hell? How do you plan to cope with Jealousy? And jealousy again?

What kind of open model are you after? I know you said triad, but what kind? Working toward co-primary? Primary-secondary? Something else?
What if the 3rd party you approach does not want to triad with you? Are you also open to a "V" shape? Or only a triad shape for the players?

You can want whatever it is you want. But maybe you could clarify what it is you want and HOW you want it better first between you and your husband? 3rd party is not here to do that with at this time. But he is here. Could worksheets help you start talking logistics?

You say you are willing to do the work -- could at least sort that much of the work out then.

And include how you plan to break up, if it has to come to a break up. Does it go back to the married couple and the 3rd party? All single? The 3rd party with one of the spouses but the spouses divorced? Do you want to be good exes and still friends? Or good exes that just part ways? If you cannot talk about that while things are good, you sure as heck don't want to first start talking about it when things go wahoonie. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

I don't expect you to answer me.... I just offer those as some initial points you and DH could talk about together. If you talk and decide it isn't for you -- you've gained new understanding of selves and each other. If you talk and decide to move on toward polydating -- you have gained new understanding of selves and each other before going there.

So talk. A lot. :)

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Why

It's fun to stay at the WHY = (Em)c^2
 
Thank you

So I did read the unicorn hunter link that was in the first reply. And I TOTALLY get where the stigma comes from, I'm surprised that had never occurred to me while I originally posted.. I am not the typical "we can open up the relationship IF" kind of person... That is stupid, pointless, and insulting.. the whole hierarchy thing seems stupid to me if you use it as a way to limit relationships that are not yours, but I do use the words in my head ONLY in the way that distinguishes how far the relationship is. Basically I only think of the other person as the secondary in the way that: at first we wouldn't be living together or sharing finances. I don't want to try to put this new person in a box, that is completely unfair and asking them to mold to your quality of life & that's just not me... As far as the jealous thing, I don't think I'm a jealous person. The only think I ask for is honesty. If my love is as unconditional as I say, then I will love you through whatever, and I will help to make it as great as I can. Even if that means sitting back and letting sharing my husband with another. And all I ask for in return is honesty, intimacy, and affection.
@GalaGirl: We are both willing participants, but don't know what the heck to do about it. Lol. We are opposed to meeting someone online.. I just don't want our business out there for the world to sift through. I think I have the skills to handle it.. DH does have a bit of jealousy, but I think it's because he's been with a cheater, and I understand where he comes from. But at the same time it's not an overwhelming obsession. I would say it's a normal healthy amount. He is opposed to me seeking another guy, but that isn't something I want in the slightest.. I found that my experiences with lesbianism left me feeling unfulfilled. But I can't let my bi side go, I feel that it is a part of me that I am proud to know, and I don't want to forget that. Being with a man, one man, fulfills me. But I do want to live love loving a woman as well! My husband totally gets this, and is not opposed to me having a girlfriend. I am not opposed to him having a girlfriend. He can flirt with, text, date, and sleep with other women. As long as it's not a secret kept from me, and as long as I'm not forgotten on the sidelines. By that I mean completely ignoring me for days or weeks. I understand the NRE thing, and if I felt like I was being neglected, I am confident I would be able to convey that in a loving and forgiving way without making him feel like I'm controlling them. For me, 2is enough. One guy, one gal. And the same for him. And so what if we don't want to date other people separately? It doesn't mean that we are bad people, or controlling people, or trying to make it fit into a certain box. No. It just means that is what we want!
As far as the model of the relationship, I don't mind if he's out alone with her, or if they have something I don't have with her. I'm sure I will have things with her that he won't, and I don't expect it to be equal like that. Eventually, maybe like 5 years down the road I would like to live together, and be a family. The reason I say 5 years is because we have a daughter, and I don't want her to see people come in and out of life after getting completely entangled with someone. Ideally I'd like a single mom. That is an ideal, and I know it's a long shot. It's not something I need, but it'd be nice. So in the end I'd love to have a co-primary lifestyle.
My plan for jealousy is the only plan you can have for jealousy: talking it through, and making changes that benefit everyone. Of course being understanding and thinking about if it is something that can be worked out on my own...
Breakups... Id never want to lose my husband, and things would be difficult if it ever came to that because we have a child together... Ideally I'd want it to be an amicable breakup where we part ways peacefully, but we don't live in a perfect world.. If I wanted to break it off with her and he didn't or vice versa, I wouldn't be the type to try to keep them apart... I am not opposed to a v, but I'd rather be in a triad.. jussayin
 
Also, I forgot to say I would want to be open about it all. I don't believe in secrets, and I love being different, and showing people that it's ok to not conform. "An it harm none, do what ye will" so basically I wouldn't ask the new person to be our dirty little secret, no way! All that I might as is to keep affection at a bare minimum in front of my baby until we were very serious and ready for the newcomer to be a really close "aunt" (sister wives kinda thing)
 
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