Jeez! This must be frustrating! Kind of sounds sort of like Mohegan's situation (sort of). Not really understanding the vagueness and passivity- the "playing" as you say.
You're right it really does sound like my situation, in ways.
Sage- what has really helped us is talking. We seem to be having a deep conversation about something every night. Either individual realizations, issues to work out, things we need help with, answers to earlier questions, just filling eachother in on the day and how we felt about it.
It's been really helpful. Last night for example, while writing my blog on here I was finaly able to realize my issues with them sleeping together. He and I talked about it and I was able to "I know there isn't a lot of validation for it, but this is what I'm feeling" and it led to a lot of talking, reaffirmation, and moving forward.
Another thing that was helpful, and I know it is controversial on here, but a few days ago we set up a list of rules. Some are for us and how we communicate issues with our secondaries and some were for what we expect out of relationships in general. It was nice. It was something I didn't think we needed, but at the insistance of a friend we gave it a try and I feel a lot better now.
As for her "games" that is where we are similar. I feel my DH's G/f is young and unsure of what she wants currently. Nothing wrong with that, she's 19. But her confusion/experimentation, comes across as someone just looking for attention, not someone invested in the same way as DH is. But the 3 of us are learning together.
It's discussed all of on here, but my best advice is communicate. When I started expressing the things I thought would upset him, or hadn't really figured out myself, but was at least able to say "hey heres where my head is at the moment". I was pleasantly surprised to find he was more than willing to help me work through things and give me the answers I was seeking. We've had some hard talks, saying things that we knew would be hard for the other to hear, but needed said. We've made the most progress when we've been able to do that.
Best of luck to you!