Ivy, as I've written to you before, I don't want to hand down a sentence without reading the other parties' point of view, but - judging by what you have written - I'll make certain comments. [I lose this connection in ONE minute, so will save it and edit later.][Back again with explanation: I'm presently using library computers and there's a maximum of 1hr/day on each one. I have a quota of 15hrs/month and can use up several hours in one day, as long as I hop from one computer to another.
]
OK, to start with: If Ben and Ella (who both have got close to / loved you) have BOTH said that you have a problem with low self-esteem, then I would certainly recommend that you consider that as a potential major factor in all this.
HOWEVER [Is there any other way that I can highlight that word even further, without using coloured letters - after I've virtually promised other members that I won't do so?
]: You're my friend on here,
Ivy, you write with intelligence and what seems like a sincere wish to reach an understanding of all this. Unless I'm
very much mistaken, you're not lying to us, you're trying to be honest with
yourself (and - I assume - with Ben and Ella), and you're [you
were] trying to communicate with them.
On the other hand - although I don't want to attribute any malicious
intent to deceive to either of them - I can only too well imagine why Ben and Ella (each for their own, different, reason) weren't putting
that much energy into being totally open with you. [Remember that this is my imagination at work here, but here goes:] Ella because of past hurt, present hurt pride, fear of future hurt. Ben because of unadmitted [to himself] shame at having been willing to give up his friendship with you in order to keep the peace (and - dare I suggest? - keep the piece) with Ella.
[Coincidentally, there's a story written by a friend of mine which contains the following 4 elements: a character named Ella, a growth away from a lack of self-esteem, a character willing to hide a friendship in order to maintain certain other benefits, an honest attempt to be honest - even when painful: "
Ella Of The Cinders" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson. It contains the following quote:
“I'm not willing to wait around for
anybody to notice me. I’m not willing to wait until I’m acceptable. I’ve learned that I’m too important for that. Oh, I’m important to you, I’m important to Maeve; but that’s not what I’m talking about. Maeve helped me find this out, and you’ve helped as well. But if I lost the both of you, I'd still have learned my lesson: I'm important to myself. Too important to hide in any corners until the respectable people are out of the way, like I’ve been doing with Ernestine, Gladys, and Primrose. I want to be proud of all my friends. And I want them to be proud of me... I can’t offer you an easier choice than your father has. I’m sorry..."
It now occurs to me that there's another point in common with your story: the importance of appearances in making an impression on shallow people.]
As I suggested on your other thread, if you talk to Ben
and this turns out to be true... walk away with your held held high. "Friends" like that you do NOT need. If his friendship means enough to you, I
would recommend talking openly with him at least one more time
before you give his friendship up for lost.
Ariakis uses a signature that includes a wonderful quote from George Bernard Shaw: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Further comment from me?
And she said she didn't think she wanted to see me anymore. She said she needed a couple more weeks to decide for sure.
She explained that she wasn't comfortable seeing someone who didn't approve of her sexual choices. She said I had incredibly low self-esteem, and that I was taking it out on people who care about me. She pointed out that she could find lots of other relationships with people who would have no problem with her sexuality.
I didn't know what to say. I had thought out the worst-case scenarios, of course, but they involved her getting very angry. This was sudden, and she was icy cold about it.
Very often, when we don't want to deal with our own shit, we put the blame for things not working out on others. The "icy cold" is - forgive my stating the obvious - chilling. Let's zoom in here:
She said I had incredibly low self-esteem, and that I was taking it out on people who care about me.
I've been looking for one of the polyamory.com smileys with its eyebrows about 36cm above the top of the head, but they don't offer this option, so I've got to make do with:
!!!
Talk about pots, kettles, and the colour black! (And what the therapists call "projection".)