confused and kinda scared.

J

Jkingiii

Guest
I'm not one for telling long stories. So, to make it short-- I moved in with a friend of about a year, with her and her BF. She was in a poly relationship with him and another person via long distance.

Both her BF and the other guy turned out to be lying. Well, I don't think I can say the things I want to here, but you get the point.

I went to live with her in order to get on my feet in another state. But as time went on, we fell for each other and she left the two others to be with me. It wasn't what I asked for; it's what she wanted.

We live together now and we are happy. But I'm mono. I am willing to at least try to be poly, but I don't know where to start. Yes, I am afraid. I don't know what to expect. We have talked about it and set up some "rules."

If you need more info, feel free to ask. Have any ideas that could help?
 
I wanted to say...

Things will come, whether or not you are prepared. It all depends on whether or not you are willing to accept the outcomes that will be arriving. People are going to do what they want, regardless of what you do, except for killing them. Yes, this includes me. But the importance of realizing that fact will help. You already know that if I wind up falling for someone that is not in our middle ground, it will be painful. But I would be willing to do it for you to feel comfortable with being in a relationship with me. <3 Hope this helps. ^ - -^
 
I would suggest reading some poly books. A big part is coming to terms with feelings and situations you may not have encountered before.

One approach is to imagine a lot of situations and swap things in and out of that situation to see how you would feel. Foe example, imagine if she came home and said she was attracted to a guy she knew. See how you feel. Then swap it out. Imagine if you saw a girl you were attracted to, or if she saw a girl she was attracted to, or if she were attracted to a TV star.

Try to vary the situation to see where your comfort zones are, and then you can try to understand them. Over time, some uncomfortable situations may not be so uncomfortable as you get use to them and trust grows.

The biggest area to focus on in the beginning is communication. Try to take things slow so both sides can adapt. Good luck.
 
Hi JK,

It's good to voice your fears, but desire to explore something new and different (for you). That's how we grow, right ?

When traveling this path, you'll end up dealing with several elements of human nature, including the emotional, physical and sexual. Each of these will require sacrifice on everyone's part in the hopes of a net positive gain for everyone.

Contrary to what some believe, you may find the sexual part to be the easiest to conquer. That's been my experience, anyway.

The emotional piece will require developing extremely good communication skills. Never a bad thing anyway, right? Lay EVERYTHING out on the table, even what might seem insignificant at first. Talk it over as much possible to try to feel secure that everyone clearly understands where everyone else's fears and insecurities lie. Try to work as a team to build caring, awareness and security for everyone.

The physical is a toughie and can often reflect back to the emotional piece. Accept the fact that nobody can be in two places at once. Some sacrifices will have to be made here. Whatever final form (triad, V, quad, etc.) you end up finding yourself in, you'll likely end up in a situation where everyone can't be doing things with everyone else ALL the time. That's just not possible. Be ready to deal with the almost inevitable fact of someone feeling slighted or left out. Talk right off the bat, in the very beginning, about the reality of that, and start formulating plans for how you will handle it lovingly TOGETHER!

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Did I mention "communicate"? :)

Best wishes to you. I hope your experience offers valuable life lessons and ends you up in a happy and fulfilled place.

GS
 
Don't forget that if you are really mono, it's okay. You can say that and opt out of the poly thing. Just because everyone around you is doing it doesn't mean that you have to. Good for you trying it out, in terms of thinking about it and trying to put yourself into the mind frame of what it would be like, though.

Do lots of reading on here. Ask us questions if you can't find what you're looking for. We're here to help as you go along. Good luck.
 
Mono gave us a book suggestion that was just awesome. I am poly, while my husband has always been mono. I read the book and felt SO much better about myself. He's reading it and learning so much about me and himself!! It's called Love Without Limits. Go find it, and read it together, if you can.
 
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