My boyfriend and I are in our 30's and have been together for a year, living together for 9 months. He is an extremely private person who tends to compartmentalize his relationships, whether romantic or platonic. I have a very open, honest communication and relationship style, and have difficulty understanding compartmentalization. He knows that I don't like it, yet I do my best to give him space and privacy. I've caught him in little lies on a recurring basis. I can't ask this question on a regular dating forum, because everyone's advice seems to be that if he's lying about little things, then he's lying about big things, and probably cheating on me. Nope, that's not it. He's not lying to escape my wrath, impress me, save face, or cheat. As far as I can tell, there is no real reason to lie/compartmentalize like this, other than habit. And that, I find very disturbing.
I have seen flashes of texts to a crush of his where he has described life events occurring as though he were the only one involved, such as buying our car, condo shopping, going on vacation together. All these things were described as though he was doing it alone. He described all the people he hung out with and all the things he did on vacation while omitting me completely. I've told him how much this bothers me, as I see it as unnecessary lying. He thinks it's no big deal as she knows I exist, and so it shouldn't matter if he doesn't talk about me. I think its really odd, as there is no real reason to do this. He says that he shares information with people as it becomes relevant. I think that telling things as they are is relevant.
He lies about unimportant things. I don't understand why. I'm not jealous of his other romantic interests, but omitting the truth, especially for no reason, makes me feel really insecure and untrusting. For example, he went to his old apartment to grab a book. When he got back home, I saw it was a startup business advice book. I asked him what he wanted it for, was he planning to start a new business? He said it was just good to reread. Later, talking to a mutual friend of ours, I found out that he got the book with the express purpose of giving it to her to help her start her own business. There was no reason to hide this reason from me. I don't understand why he does this.
He says he was bullied in high school, and learned to just live inside his own private world to get people to leave him alone. He says he is just used to compartmentalizing everything. He says he doesn't mean anything by it, it's just a habit. All his lies, or truth omitting/bending, are about unimportant things. I know he wouldn't cheat on me - if he were interested in or pursuing someone else, he would tell me. He's been cheated on in an open relationship before, and it hurt him a lot. I know he would never do that to me.
I don't see him changing any time soon. Should I just let it go since it's about unimportant things? Or is this sort of behaviour a deal breaker? In my last relationship, we were 100% honest about everything, to a fault. I thrive in that kind of environment. My boyfriend's need for a private, compartmentalized world is foreign to me, so I'm having difficulty determining if this is acceptable behaviour or not. Any thoughts or feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks.
I have seen flashes of texts to a crush of his where he has described life events occurring as though he were the only one involved, such as buying our car, condo shopping, going on vacation together. All these things were described as though he was doing it alone. He described all the people he hung out with and all the things he did on vacation while omitting me completely. I've told him how much this bothers me, as I see it as unnecessary lying. He thinks it's no big deal as she knows I exist, and so it shouldn't matter if he doesn't talk about me. I think its really odd, as there is no real reason to do this. He says that he shares information with people as it becomes relevant. I think that telling things as they are is relevant.
He lies about unimportant things. I don't understand why. I'm not jealous of his other romantic interests, but omitting the truth, especially for no reason, makes me feel really insecure and untrusting. For example, he went to his old apartment to grab a book. When he got back home, I saw it was a startup business advice book. I asked him what he wanted it for, was he planning to start a new business? He said it was just good to reread. Later, talking to a mutual friend of ours, I found out that he got the book with the express purpose of giving it to her to help her start her own business. There was no reason to hide this reason from me. I don't understand why he does this.
He says he was bullied in high school, and learned to just live inside his own private world to get people to leave him alone. He says he is just used to compartmentalizing everything. He says he doesn't mean anything by it, it's just a habit. All his lies, or truth omitting/bending, are about unimportant things. I know he wouldn't cheat on me - if he were interested in or pursuing someone else, he would tell me. He's been cheated on in an open relationship before, and it hurt him a lot. I know he would never do that to me.
I don't see him changing any time soon. Should I just let it go since it's about unimportant things? Or is this sort of behaviour a deal breaker? In my last relationship, we were 100% honest about everything, to a fault. I thrive in that kind of environment. My boyfriend's need for a private, compartmentalized world is foreign to me, so I'm having difficulty determining if this is acceptable behaviour or not. Any thoughts or feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks.