Redpepper's journey

I totally agree with Mohegan. Sucks the dream presented itself again but it's great to be able to wake up and face your current reality!

I actually have the opposite issue...I have been experiencing a blockage of dream memory for about two years now. I used to recall most of my dreams throughout the night and use them as insight into my life (I have some intuitive/holistic friends who decipher and read dreams through my aura/energy). I have attempted to cleanse myself in various ways to reconnect not only with my dreams but, also, with my creativity. I have broken some seals but I can feel I have not done so completely. I'm still working on it.

Here's to a great night of dreaming about positive and pleasurable sensations (wet bed optional).:D
 
compromise, boundaries and rules...

I seem to be thinking about this a lot lately and writing about it too so I thought I would copy and paste my thoughts from another thread on how I describe the following; compromise, boundaries, and rules. I find that often people don't speak the same language around these things and for me, to have something to use as a guide has been very helpful. One can use it to ask, "where are we at?" and if they aren't at the same place as their partner (s) then everyone can get on the same page by using this... it's worked for me and I wanted to make sure I have it written down.
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Compromise to me is what we do before a boundary is agreed upon. It's the space between something coming up and getting to the point of comfortably sitting in an established relationship dynamic. It's the space where everything stops and no one moves forward until there is communication. It isn't comfortable for one or the other, but isn't meant to be... what the goal is that discussion/communication will happen until there is a balance of semi-comfort for both parties (or more) so that there can be movement forward in a relationship.

Boundaries for me are what is established at the end of negotiation of compromise. It's the end result that is known to be fluid but that I can sit in and try out for a while, knowing that my partner is somewhat comfortable and willing to see if something works. Quite often the new boundary is like a young seedling that needs nurturing together in order to grow into a strong tree that everyone is comfortable with and needs no more discussion about. When negotiations and communication has occurred to the point of a boundary being set, I know that my partner (s) feel comfortable in the knowledge that they have been heard, respected, considered and cared for. I should come out of the discussion feeling the same way and if I don't or they don't, then there is still a compromise going on and I still need to encourage talking... sometimes a break is needed before jumping in again as it is quite exhausting.

Rules are ultimatums and completely off the table for me. I have never done well in a relationship where their are rules, unless I am setting them, in terms of BDSM :D otherwise they have no place in my relationships. I will not be with someone who attempts to set rules, unless they are willing to turn to communication and negotiation that would bring us to compromising with the future goal of setting boundaries that work for the us. If they are unwilling then I will not stay with them. Simple as that. My life is my own and they will not be a part of it.
 
Last night we went for dinner with another tribe that has a female at the hinge and two men as the arms... among others. We talked of family, child rearing, the court case that is going on in the BC supreme court, as she is the number one witness for it in terms of polyamory... It was a great meal out and it was really great getting to know her men. I see her at the women's group I run and know her fairly well, but have not had the pleasure of getting to know her men... all very interesting and comfortable. I was really happy to have an opportunity to feel as if I "fit" somehow, I belong. Quite often I don't and feel like an oddity in my own community, as much as I love them. I hope we can do it again sometime .
 
I was asked recently how it's going in our house and for some details, so I thought I would sit and write a bit about what our routine used to be and what has changed since Mono moved in.

We used to spend larger chunks of time together. I was most definitely leading a separate life when I went to my OH. Now that has changed a bit in that we are more merged together. Although we likely spend more time together, he and I and all the other configurations also, the time is not as much quality. I miss that. When I went to my OH it was all about me. Mono doted on me hand and foot because he missed me and I wasn't around for large chunks of time. Granted, we were in our NRE. But now I don't get the same type of attention.

Geez! It sounds like I am complaining. I'm not, it's just different. Now I do something in my room and then come out and we talk a bit. Then I make tea while Mono does something on the computer. We will snuggle on the couch for a bit before I get up to have a shower. That is kind of how our time goes. Before, we spent every second together, stayed off the computer, didn't shower, in order to be by each other's side every second.

Now I hear the rest of my family upstairs and although it doesn't interrupt our private time together, I know they are there and they are on my mind. Before, I would not give them a thought after having been at the OH for couple of hours. When I first started going to the OH, I thought about them only because I didn't trust that everything was okay. I asked myself: Can PN handle my being absent? Is he really okay with me not being there? What if something happens?

Gradually I began to trust that it was fine and that he would call or tell me in person if there were issues. I got mad at him several times for not calling in emergencies. But he handles everything just fine, in his own way. I had to give up trying to control things by making sure he did stuff my way.

Now that I hear them upstairs I realize how little they were impacted, compared to my fear. Life went on as usual. I was the one that was changing and experiencing, not them. PN experienced loneliness at first, and LB adjusted to the change of my being gone at times, but that ended at some point. To them it was like I had a different job that meant I worked shifts. To me, my whole take on reality changed.

Mono doesn't eat with us as much, but will come up for a chat and a check in before LB goes to bed more often. He talks to PN far more often and the two of them have plans now, whereas they didn't really before. They'll be painting PN's room during Christmas vacation, for example. I think the two of them are more settled with each other now.

My relationship with PN has gotten better and closer on a daily basis and in an overall way. We were having huge rollercoasters of emotions before, where he felt disconnected and I didn't get why. He hasn't mentioned that once since Mono moved in. He is overall happier. It's hard to say if that is because of the change in our living situation, or other things in life.

LB is loving Mono more than ever and is definitely the one gaining the most from this new situation. He has a buddy at all times. Mono has been a HUGE help so far in helping us raise him. Picking him up in a snowstorm in my dad's new vehicle, looking after him when we are sick, giving him some time every day, has helped them bond and connect. LB is in heaven. He adores Mono more every day. Mono has been a huge positive influence in his life. It's most definitely been the biggest plus in our poly life. Mono rose to the occasion and took on the responsibility of including him in our dynamic, rather than trying to avoid him and not give him the respect that he deserves, as much as we all do.

All in all, the adjustment for me has been bittersweet. I miss my OH being more private. I love my room and the closeness of my family. I miss our long bits of time together. But I love the goodnight kisses at the door. I am going to get me one right now, actually. :D It's all good, really, just a change. Living together has its pluses and minuses, whichever way you look at it.
 
There is a bittersweetness to being closer, for sure. I love having family so close and actually feeling like I can put effort into a place and know it will not be wasted.

My relationship with PN has become very relaxed and enjoyable. Getting to help with LB is like having a second chance in raising a child, but with the experience of already having a 17 year old. I'm there to help when asked, in his case.

Our relationship is not so rushed anymore, which may make it seem less urgent to spend time together. Like well fed animals, we don't rush to the food bowl to gobble everything up, because we know there is always more. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate it, though.

Our private time is not as private, but I am happy with what we have. Seeing you not struggle with being so far from your family is worth it for me. :)

All in all, I feel very good about our move. I'm a little disappointed that it is not everything you wish it could be, but I think the trade-off has been to our benefit. I sometimes think about our situation from an old perspective and wonder what we are doing and how it can last. But those moments are fleeting and I slip back into just how much I love you.

I am overjoyed at PN getting happier and more connected to you. :D

Life's pretty good for me. :D
 
PN is out for his first men's group tonight. They are calling it the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (LXG), which I think is hilarious. They are all out at a local pub telling their stories and coming up with their version of what poly foundations they have. So awesome. I'm glad they finally got going.

I run the women's group here. Or "A" women's group, anyway. I know there could be others. I find it fascinating how they are conducting their group and really enjoyed talking to the facilitator about his experience thus far. There are so many similarities in that they had some complaints about the terminology and how they identify as "men" and what the mandate is.

In the meantime, Mono and I are sitting here getting drunk on martinis (dirty and wet) and upgrading our phones and looking for an alternative to "Limewire." :D Such geeks. Well, Mono is. I'm foruming, obviously. :p

This weekend brings: tree decorating at PN's mum's, going to a DJ show tomorrow night (Basenector) and then the women's group Sunday. 20 women is the expectation! Geezuz! Then I celebrate my birthday with the family. 41 and getting younger and happier every year. :) My actual birthday is on the 7th, though. :D
 
YAY for PN!

My birthday's the 14th! Happy birthday to us! WOOT!
 
We had a really good women's group today. I felt a little off my game, however, as I went out the night before and have been in a bit of a cranky mood lately due to work issues. But it went well, regardless.

We had a guest from a university in another province come, with a member that has been involved with the case in the BC Supreme Court in regards to the polygamy law here.

I love how people are coming out of the woodwork and asking questions, coming to meetings, interested in poly.

This woman is an assistant professor and is embarking on research about poly families. I told her about this forum. Perhaps she will join us here. She asked our group some interesting questions about the different types of poly: Is there more of one type over another? She wanted to know how we thought the result of the court case would affect us.

I have found thus far that the biggest affect is having a platform from which to talk about it all. The media has been covering what is going on, and some ideas of what polygamy and polyamory are about, which means there is some basis to start conversations where there wasn't before. It's really interesting and groundbreaking times for us poly folk right now.

Derby made me a yummy cake and gave me a beautiful scarf she made, and a small carving of a leaf and branch that I put on my dresser when I got home. She is a loving and wonderful sweetie, for sure.

When I got home I had vegan Chinese food with my parents, PN, LB and Mono. They gave me lovely presents and a beautiful cake that PN spent all day making (cake three). I had a really nice evening and weekend all around.

Tomorrow it's more cake and celebration, as well as next Friday, also. 5 cakes in all. Each different, each made with love and thoughtfulness and each celebration very much appreciated and cherished by me. I am so grateful for all the love I receive and give all of it out in return.

Life is good. :)
 
It's awesome to have such loving friends and family that they will give you so much special time! Mono said something about 'birthday week?'

Have fun and enjoy.
 
Happy Birthday, RP! You too, Breathesgirl! I didn't realize y'all were Sags.

Mine's the 16th, and my step-sis is the 18th.

GO Archers! GO Archers! It's our birthday! GO Archers! :D
 
Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I took the day off to forum, catch up on emails and commitments I have made to people online. I will go for a walk later and have lunch with my parents. Make some soup from the Reebar cookbook and eat it with PN and LB before my Mono night when we will have a fire, some tea and some good good lovin.'

Last night we had fun singing karaoke. Derby and some other friends came, including a woman in my community that has lost a love, killed in Afghanistan. She is now single and so sad... I sang Bette Midler's "The Rose" for her and we were all reminded of the fact that love grows from a seed inside of us that blossoms into something huge and beautiful when we let it.

Happy birthday to the numerous Sags in my life. I love and cherish each and every one of you. :)
 
I have lots to say. Hmm, sex or blogging? Sorry folks, sex wins out.

Maybe tomorrow... although I have a date with Leo. We shall see. So much to say, so little time. :D
 
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