Redpepper's journey

A group where couples/tribes talk about their day-to-day lives and issues, as opposed to theoretical discussions, would be like group therapy. I also think people would embrace it. Very clever. :)
 
A group where couples/tribes talk about their day to day lives and issues as opposed to theoretical discussions would be like group therapy. I also think people would embrace it. Very clever.

Not really, it is my training after all. No wonder I am interested. I didn't go to grad school to train as a therapist for nothing, it turns out. :)

You think people would be interested? I haven't had a huge positive response when I've brought it up, mostly blank stares that I can't read.
 
You think people would be interested? I haven't had a huge response to say so when I've brought it up. Mostly blank stares that I can't read.

It might make people feel too vulnerable. I get that. But I am sure some would like it.
 
It might make people feel too vulnerable. I get that. But I am sure some would like it.

I guess that is the key right there... I ask people to make themselves vulnerable. On this forum they come here ready to be vulnerable. I admire that and respect that. In real life it just doesn't happen. Everyone feels more comfortable saving face.
 
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If you start it they will come :D.

There is a Yahoo group for absolutely everything under the sun! Yes, I know you are talking real time but you need a way to get in touch with those who want what you have to offer.

A large part of the reason people prefer to do some of their poly via forums IS the anonymity. They can be who they want to be and no one's the wiser. There are also those who are in areas where the poly population just is not very large and are having trouble finding those people close to them. They know where the larger groups are but those groups are just too far to go on a week night because of work & kids schedules. For example: we are an hour west of the Toronto poly people. They have a weekly and monthly meet up. We can't go because it doesn't start until 7:00 so we wouldn't get home until after my bed time which would make me a very cranky bitch the next day. Transportation is also an issue with us &, probably, quite a few others. To go to Toronto we would have to either borrow a vehicle or take the bus or train. The bus or train is more expensive for just a couple of hours in Toronto!

The casual sex talk MIGHT be talking about ways to find partners for casual sex, the safer sex aspect of it, how to go about having those types of relationships without either one of you getting emotionally attached or hurt, it might not be about talking about their (s)exploits and preening their feathers.

I do like your idea of a casual get together simply for support though. Any meets we've been to have been casual with people talking about general life issues instead of something specific. If they're talking about something specific it falls under the heading of 'workshop' and we have to pay to attend.
 
That sounds like a great idea, RP. Then again, I've been in therapy for half a dozen years to deal with my mental health stuff, so I kind of love it!
 
Yes, anonimity is important for most. I am pretty sure its why a lot of people keep their lives under wrap and only touches the surface on many issues. I guess I'm asking a lot to welcome more vulnerability from people. Ah well.

Hey! I lived in port credit, mississaugs berse Toronto! Where are you Breathes?

Hey Tucker, wanna come to my group? ;)
 
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My friend hit the nail on the head tonight when I told him about this group idea... he asked,

"a lot more talk of actual stuff going on than theoretical discussion?"

That is exactly it. I think I am ready to discuss theory in terms of practice more in real life... its great to on here, but limited.
 
I learned something today that helped me... casual sex is appealing because it hasn't been widely accepted to be vocal or I guess to become engaged in. It's subversive. It's a treasured freedom to allow oneself to have sex with others and be safe. The appreciation of the term "poly" is, for some, that it can allow casual sex in an honest way and in order to connect with people. It is natural for people in a moment, to have sex, and that is beautiful.

I don't disagree, I don't think that there needs to be a thought all the time to a relationship being long term. I admire anyone who feels that they are in a moment and seizes it, for just what it is. I envy that. It makes me sad because I cannot without huge repercussion anymore. That feeling I remember with others I have met briefly. I hold those memories dear, but they are over shadowed by the feelings I have had that have scared me.

I remember once when I was a tree planter cook. I was left at camp while everyone went to plant trees in the bush in Ontario. I was very lonely and got a bit weird for those months. The camp became a place where I was not included as everyone was having similar experiences and I was not. They did not include me in their nightly around the fire chat and I didn't have anyone to talk to. In those days I was able to be alone for short periods of time but as an extrovert, I struggled with this lack of human contact. As anyone would probably.

There was a man who took some interest in me and we would sit and chat a bit away from the sight of the group. We would sit and roll cigarettes together. I felt far more settled and myself because of him and appreciated that.

One night he asked if I wanted to join him in his tent. So I did. I so desperately needed to be held and was willing to give him myself in return for some comfort... tree planting and everything to do with it is hell!

We had sex and he asked me to leave so know one would know. I did and felt cheated. I hadn't received any comfort at all and cried all the way to my tent and into the morning. He never talked to me again and never acknowledged that anything had happened...

That same camp I was forced to have sex by a man that took me in at the end of a contract because I couldn't get home. He put me up and thought this was how I should re-pay him. He took me out to a movie, bought me dinner and when we got all cozy and intimate it turned out he didn't have a condom. I said I wouldn't have sex with him (I already was doing it out of thanks) and he forced me to anyway, pulling out just before he came.

There are many other stories I have that are similar. I just seem to be dwelling on the tree planting ones tonight... A lot from my days in a small red neck conservative town where the diversity I enjoy now is not present. Traditional rolls are the norm. I am pretty sure that similar activities around sexuality are still going on... not much changes sometimes.

Some of the stories I remember are a bit more along the lines of having sex with someone and then them telling me it was just casual and that I shouldn't of expected more. I can't even remember all those. I just know that it went against everything in me as I GIVE of myself every time. I GAVE myself away, FOR FREE! There was no honesty, beauty, treasured freedom... all give and a even more take. More than I knew.

And now I'm damaged. and this is where my sadness comes from... not because I want to be able to have casual sex... because, damned it, people hurt me and I need to forgive them for that, but haven't gotten there yet. It's all too new.

I really thought, not 18 months ago that I was enjoying giving my sexuality away. You know, in recent memory I hadn't cum once while having casual sex. I faked it every time. I got to the point where I felt the pain and discomfort rise in the form of boredom over the activity and faked it. At that point I was looking for a way out. Previous to having sex I was turned on and excited at getting to know someone in this way... but while having sex, I realize now that I was connecting with the person, caring for them... longing to be close, like that 23 year old in the tent and not receiving that. The whole thing played out over and over again each time I found myself being sexual with someone who I hadn't previously connected with.

I learned something good about how some people are using the term "poly" today and it makes me happy. If poly can protect and create a language of protection for others to rely on then so be it. That makes me very happy, because I never had that and it's because of people like me who lived through what I did and kept working at their shit publically in one way or another that others took my experiences and turned them into a positive way of being. I have hope for others who engage in casual sex now and I really feel a sigh of relief. :) Now to bring it to the masses... especially in my home town ;)
 
Hey! I lived in port credit, mississaugs berse Toronto! Where are you Breathes?

I'm in Kitchener :).

The most dreaded time of year, for me any way, is one month away. Oktoberfest! Bleh!
 
A group where couples/tribes talk about their day to day lives and issues as opposed to theoretical discussions would be like group therapy I would think. I also think people would embrace it....very clever :)

My friend hit the nail on the head tonight when I told him about this group idea... he asked,

"a lot more talk of actual stuff going on than theoretical discussion?"

That is exactly it. I think I am ready to discuss theory in terms of practice more in real life... its great to on here, but limited.

This is exactly what I'm hoping to find locally. Online you can reach more people with the same issues, but you just can't get the same level of communication if you're not face-to-face.

But don't call it group therapy if you want any guys to attend!

"What's a real man's idea of group therapy? World War II." ~ Nelson DeMille


Anotherbo :)
 
Drool....beer wench girls, beer and sausage...I love that time of year.

Trade ya!

I hate riding the bus that time of year! Drunkards permeat the place, throw up on the bus & are generally every where I am.

I guess part of my problem is I don't drink & I am claustrophobic so don't like crowds.

I shall be avoiding the downtown core as much as humanly possibly during those ten days, that's for sure, unfortunately the bus terminal is in the downtown core :(.
 
As someone who has suffered disabling depression on-and-off (mostly on) for my entire life, I'd like to share what I know about my own depression.

When I am deeply depressed, there is really no point trying to do anything about it except relax, wait it out, and look for those moments when I am capable of enjoying anything. Then I try to do something that will boost my energy/mood. It usually has to be something fun, but if it can also be exercise, eating well, or something else inherently good for me, that is a plus.

Personally, I get enormously frustrated when other people in my life try to advance, or even suggest, solutions to me when I'm really down. Though therapy, medication, exercise, lifestyle changes etc. have been helpful to me personally, trying to set something like that in motion while already deeply depressed just drains my energy further.

I'd be so much more active in dealing with my depression, if I wasn't so damn depressed!

Anotherbo :)

Anotherbo,

Your post was very timely. As I've shared, I have suffered from debilitating depression on and off for years. And I too get so frustrated when people make it sound "easy" to get better. It's not!!! I mean, I've tried naturopathy, acupuncture, chiropractic care, drugs, you name it. You can't say that I haven't tried. The paradox is that when you are depressed, it's difficult to do anything, much less self-affirming things and when you come out of it, it seems unnecessary. I really try to put safeguards in place when I am feeling well in the event that it changes.

My individual therapist said to me last week "well, you aren't going to kill yourself" and I wanted to scream at her "no, but what the hell kind of measure of health is that?". Jeesh. Our couples' therapist scored big points when she acknowledged how awful this felt (overall, my individual therapist is pretty great).

And awesome DW made a connection that I had not made as to a trigger for the depression (because I had been doing really well). Sometimes I think it takes an outside perspective to point something out, but we have to be in a place where we can receive it and that can vary from moment to moment, ime!!!

But know that there are those who understand at least the basics of what you are experiencing and are here to listen!!!!!

Hugs,
 
I wrote this in response to a BDsm event I went to this past weekend and wanted to start documenting what I say on other threads as a way to remember them...
It's very serious Mono. I take it very seriously. I also take peoples requests very seriously also. I played with our friend last night also and although others asked I knew she had asked for the right reasons. Her and I have talked at length about what it would mean to her and she knows I don't do it for show or for control. I do it for my own release as much as the one I play with. I derive huge pleasure from knowing that I am giving an out for those I play with.

In the case of my friend I know she would not allow things to continue if she felt she was being used in some way or felt she wasn't getting out of it what she wanted. She would stop play. I know she would by the fact that she has with other people in a recreational sex way.

With you Mono, there is huge understanding. I can read you and you me. I keep at you with questions if I think there is something up.... we rely on each other to keep each other safe. Our D/s is a truly balanced relationship. You are the best subby ever. no doubt about it.

I don't go to events to be watched, although I know I am... I go to use the equipment and see friends. I like to dress up, don't get me wrong, but when it comes down to business I am gone, lost in the moment, whatever the terminology is.... I don't keep track of what words I am suppose to use. I find the terminology restrictive. Last night was no different.

I was disturbed last night as I watched those engaged in their displays of dominance and submission. A lot of people were keen on the drama of it all and liked to be watched. Others were there to either find a dom or find a sub. A select few were there to actually engage in a power exchange that was balanced.

I notice almost every time a dom seemingly pushing a sub farther than I can see they want to be pushed... As I watched last night I noticed a sub agreeing to more of a beating because she seemed to want to be agreeable. Something I would do all too often in the past when I subbed. I used to do this with sex also, I know the look and I know the look of the one asking for more.

My friends I were with said, "no she is in sub space." I disagreed. If she was in sub space then she would have a lost look in her eyes, not complete terror, resignation and then vacancy, in that order. The dom didn't notice as he was just way too thrilled to be allowed to beat her more. Yes, she agreed, so why wouldn't he... he had only met her though, how would he know the subtleties she presented?

Like sex, I think I am just as much an advocate for not playing until one knows ones play partner. And then keeping full tabs on them until being completely sure they are okay. BAH! When does it end. I ended up looking away. Completely triggered and self talking that it had nothing to do with me. Maybe avoiding looking should be my vow from now on. That would be like a hockey player vowing not to watch a hockey game right in front of them if they were at an arena! I vowed to be the best damned dom ever instead. All my own learning. All my own journey. Nothing to do with anyone else.
 
This post is fantastic, RP, thank you so much. You should really post this on a fetish site as it's very valuable information regarding consent and personal responsibility in bdsm relationships.

I've been engaging in bdsm play for over 20 years and am frequently appalled at the number of people who will cross their own boundaries because they feel pressured in a social situation. I take my role as a Domme (when I am Domming and not subbing) very seriously and expect my submissives to communicate to me beforehand what their boundaries are; while I play I watch for signals to make sure it's all good. This particular party challenged me because I wasn't expecting to Domme anyone but I ended up doing it anyway. Good fun, but sooooo tiring!

I've seen you at parties and have the utmost respect and admiration for your bdsm ethics. Yet another reason I'm glad to know you.
 
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