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Old 04-26-2012, 09:17 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default Happy happy joy joy

I had the greatest day yesterday. I presented my work at a conference and got enthusiastic feedback. Work was great, as usual, and I had a happy relaxing evening at the place I'm volunteering at. I didn't realize how important this feeling of confidence in my work and not-being-trapped-at-home feeling is for my wellbeing.

So I came home, happy and relaxed, and texted Vanilla that it's okay if Chip stays the night, or that at least I would like to try communicating with him on a non-hostile basis. The evening went great! We watched Supernatural and the world was saved again (gosh I love that show) and went to bed. I slept on the couch with my ear plugs, since despite her protests I knew Vanilla and Chip would like to get up to something behind the bedroom door. This had the unintended consequence of me sleeping blissfully through the alarm and just barely getting up early enough for my therapy.

In therapy we talked through how important individuation would be for me, complete with finding people who share my passions and interests. The therapist thinks I fall too easily into the helper role in my interpersonal relationships. She suspects it's due to having grown up surrounded by adults with acute, untreated mental health problems. I honestly can't come up with a single positive close relationship with a healthy adult when I think of my childhood. It was good to hear that it might not be all me being too sensitive and challenging and controlling but rather me being necessarily healthy but having to deal with too many people with too much undeclared baggage at the crucial moments when I was learning how to be with other people, what I can reasonably expect from others etc. .

The funny thing is, when I am at happiest with myself, I feel the most that my relationship with Cookie is a dead-end, and trying to save everybody from themselves isn't healthy. I don't how to break it to him that I honestly deserve better .

Vanilla has, come the new relationship with Chip, come to realize that her earlier d/s relationship with Goblin wasn't a healthy dynamic at all but for 90 % just sheer emotional abuse. She experiences the time as quite traumatic nowadays. Goblin holds on to weird stalking behaviours even now - he spent considerable amount of time and detective work on finding out who Chip is IRL. I think he just gets off on this control fantasy - he insists that Vanilla can never meet anyone that he doesn't already know and have an opinion of.

After work today I'm going to head home to do some connection exercises with Vanilla and hopefully have hawt and not-too-tired sex. I've decided to commit to my own physical health, too - if I can't make it to a krav maga class, I'll do yoga instead.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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