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Old 04-24-2012, 02:22 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822

Originally Posted by Vanilla View Post
But when you're in a good mood, you DO cuddle our cats and sometimes even seem to enjoy it. That gives me some kind of hope

It doesn't bother me if you text me 4664838785 times per day, I just hadn't realized it bothers you if I don't always answer.

Rory, I don't think it's unhealthy self-hate, but more like "I didn't realize my behaviour hurts you and I feel sorry for that." I think BU's "our disagreements went like this: "I feel bad when you do x". "OMG, you are so right, I'm a horrible person for doing x". Lots of crying and embracing ensues 0_o." was really overestimated example, or at least that's not how I feel our disagreements usually are. But I think it's normal to feel bad when you realize you've hurt someone you love. This is where people mostly seem to disagree with me; I find it okay to apologise even when I have done something wrong accidentally or without knowing it's not right. Like, I do apologise if I accidentally drop my friend's glass and break it or something like that. People mostly seem to think you can apologise only something you have done consciously, and I just find it weird.

I find it confusing how many of you seem to have really clear opinions about how things are and what would be the best thing for us to do, like, you two really need to move away from each other and you absolutely have to stop seeing other people and I am definately bad to BU in every possible way and so on. I mean, good advice is always welcome, but how could anyone else know for sure, what's best for us? My friends whom I know irl and most of them know BU too, are amazingly supportive and telling us there's nothing we couldn't fix, but have you concidered about doing this or could it be good for you to do that? (except Rory, I really appreciate your way of expressing your opinions and suggestions in this way, thank you! It makes me feel sooooo much easier to think about stuff instead of just going furious. )

I'm sorry, I just become really defensive when anyone tries to tell me straigtly what to do and you HAVE to do like this and that and act like someone could know better for sure. But, of course I can be wrong too. Anyway, I really find it the worst idea ever for BU to move away, 'cause I'm absolutely sure we can fix things easier ways and too radical reactions would just make things worse. Ans BU's mom really, really hates me for unknown reasons and is ashamed of her daughter living with another woman, so if BU now moves there feeling confused and messed up, I'm pretty sure her mom would try her best to manipulate against us, which she tries to do even when things are okay. I can't see that being anyhow helpful with our situation.
I'm sorry if you felt attacked by what I said. When Runic Wolf and I were just barely out of noob status in open relationships and fairly new to BDSM as well he "rescued" a friend from her "emotionally abusive" family. Initially, we both thought she might be interested in a threesome, but I was quickly shut down and took it in stride. I never really trusted her or felt comfortable with her. She told me that when they'd met, she didn't notice he was married and was looking for an older boyfriend (we were 24/25 and she was 18 or 19). She claimed to be interested in being his 24/7 sub, wanted to wear a dog collar and to be called Little Bitch, seemed to live to cook and clean for him while I worked 60 hours a week and went to school part time. It was very alluring for him - especially considering that at that point in my life, I wasn't even willing to try to be submissive for him. Her attitude towards me, her communication, and many other things were toxic to our marriage. Though he was too blinded by NRE to see it. She convinced him of many things about me that weren't true - including that he wasn't really bi-polar and didn't need to take his meds. The last straw for me happened when our 4 year old drew a family picture at pre-school and I wasn't in it, but she was. I ended up having the night off from class unexpectedly and was at his mother's when he arrived, with her in tow, to pick up our son. They'd planned on taking him to the carnival and she didn't want me to come. We ended up going home, fighting, me telling him I couldn't take her being in our lives any more while she sat out on our balcony listening to every word. He took her home and I told him until he went back on his meds, I couldn't trust him to stay in our house. He moved in with his mother for 5 weeks while we talked through it, attempted counseling. He came over every night to tuck our son into bed and we'd talk, I'd tell him how much I needed him, loved him, and couldn't live without him. I cried myself to sleep when he left and eventually he realized what he really wanted/ needed and came home. That was 7 years ago and we're stronger for it, but damn was it hard.

We didn't go back to being monogamous (we never really were after we were married), but we chose our partners more carefully after that. I'm not saying that you two need to separate, but I do think that what you have been doing isn't working. Something needs to change and you both need to figure out what that is together and commit to sticking to it.
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