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Old 04-24-2012, 09:52 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default Poly is just like having cats

Well, not for everyone. Personally, I greatly dislike cats. I don't go all ooey-gooey when I see a picture of a kitten in a magazine. I don't want to cuddle other people's cats. I don't want to have cats. Yet, we have two cats, and I was actively involved in the process of procuring cat number 2. Why?

Frankly, it was a choice of either a) working through my hatred of cats in order to be with the woman I love or b) deciding irrational hatred towards those furry critters was not worth losing the woman I love (who also LURVES her cats).

Don't get me wrong: our cats have been the source of acute misery in my life. They have harmed me in very tangible, concrete ways. Vanilla will never understand why I don't like them and why I think they stand in the way of me living my life to the fullest. Whenever my hatred of cats has flared after some cat-related wrong that has been inflected on me, I have asked for more compromises and reassurances to let me know that I am valued too, and my desire to live a life independent of those puffy rodents is respected to a reasonable degree.

When I requested for a study where I can store my stuff free of feline influence and sequester myself whenever I feel like I can take NO MORE CATS, I was given one. I haven't needed that space all that much. Whenever cats do maddening thing x, I go through the following mental steps: (1) I do have rights when it comes to cats. People should go first. If a cat is bothering my meal, it needs to go the bathroom and wait until the meal is over. (2) They are first and foremost Vanilla's cats. When cats break/make a mess of/complicate things, it's Vanilla's job to take care of it. I can do certain things for the cats, but I am not doing them because they are my responsibility, but out of kindness towards my spouse. (3) When cats occasionally manage to make a mess of my stuff, I remind myself that I have chosen this, fully aware that cats occasionally infuriate me. They are not be blamed for eating a very enticing piece of paper that I have left out in the open, nevermind how important that slip of paper subjectively was to me. So it's not alright to be angry at the cats but to change my own behaviour to fit the new situation.

I have trouble asking for the space I need away from Chip. I think I've gotten most of the things I need: no texting/talking with Chip when I am together with Vanilla, no Chip in my immediate vicinity, no need to interact with Chip. I also requested for Vanilla not to be so badly beaten up after every time she sees Chip that it interferes with our cuddling. Vanilla thinks I have a way too negative preconceived image of Chip and that I am not giving him a chance, but I don't really want to. He's Vanilla's cat - let her deal with him.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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