Re (from
FullofLove1052):
"I am sure her screaming, 'Je la deteste,' was not the reaction she hoped for, but it was the one she got."
Ah, but the poison has to come out somehow. We can't expect it to be a pretty sight when it does.
Re:
"The last thing I need is her performance in school to dip or her to lose interest in the things she loves."
One of the reasons why I think professional therapy has become a must at this point.
Ry, from your latest description here, it seems possible to me that you have lost the crucial formative years and as a result, your ability to have a maternal relationship with your daughter is permanently dinged, perhaps even smashed beyond repair.
My parents were "there for me," but they were far from accepting of who I was (and am) as an individual. My mom in particular had some kind of fetish for verbal punishment. She repeatedly, viciously, and I might add expertly put me (and my siblings) down over the years. I came out of that childhood feeling (as an adult) that I deserved punishment and didn't have the right to defend myself against other people I'd soon meet who'd not only put me down, but physically terrorize and assault me as well.
When I finally hit bottom and realized that my mom had laid the foundation for the damage that these other people did, I felt an anger toward my mother that I can't even describe. Never again would I stand for her rewarding herself with a parental title. If she ever properly apologized and made sufficient amends, the most she'd ever get from me was a nonfamilial friendship. I have since refused to refer to her as my mother in anything except the strictly biological sense.
But, she did feel remorse for how she had acted when I was a kid, and though it was difficult for her to do, she made improvements in her behavior little by little. As of today, the result is that she did obtain that nonfamilial friendship from me that I was still willing to offer (under the much-improved circumstances). It's all she'll ever get from me, but I'm quite sure that she values it nonetheless, and perhaps what's more remarkable is that I value it too. But never again will I address her as "Mom." Whenever possible, I refer to her using her first given name and frankly, that's as much as she deserves given the way she damaged me and caused me to waste decades of my adult and pre-adult life.
She refers to herself as "Mom" when signing her emails to me, and I tolerate that. In my mind and my heart, I reject the title, but I try to be forgiving enough to put up with her granting herself the title. Perhaps it's just too painful for her to realize that she's not my mom anymore -- and never can be. I can understand that. She doesn't object to me denying her the title, so maybe we're even in some twisted fashion.
I say all this mainly just as a way to admit to you that it's true that some damage can't be undone -- not completely, at least. If you have lost your chance to truly be "Mum" to your daughter, maybe you can just start the whole relationship over from scratch. Maybe your daughter will never want to call you more than a (nonfamilial) "friend," but if you can even salvage that much from the wreckage, you have salvaged something precious and good and can treasure it.
During this painful process in therapy, I think it is important for you to respect your daughter's will in terms of how she is willing to relate to you. Maybe the best you can get right now is an acquaintanceship that isn't very important to your daughter. It's a depressing place to start, but it's a place to start nonetheless. Instead of trying to build on the years when you weren't there for her, try to build on the here and now. By being there for her here and now, and by offering her whatever services she is willing to accept.
That's about the farthest I can go with my limited expertise. Beyond that, you need the considerable knowledge your therapist can bring to bear. Lean on her counsel about what boundaries are appropriate, and about how to handle the role of motherhood when your daughter doesn't want you to be her mother.
I know this post isn't all rainbows and sunshine, but I don't want to minimize the feelings you're experiencing or the seriousness of the situation as you can see it. I only want to offer some little tidbit that might help us build from what we actually have, rather than what we wish we had.
The most important thing, here, is for your daughter to get healing from the psychological damage she has sustained. If she can only heal by severing you from her life, then you'll need to be prepared to accept that, though it's got to be an unthinkably painful prospect. It probably won't come to that but I'm just saying, put your daughter's internal needs first, and put your relationship with her second. It is the only way you can be her true friend.
I feel bad saying all this. Get as much help as you can with this problem, it's as serious as if you had woken up to find the whole house on fire. Maybe even more serious than that.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.