Breaking up...maybe transition to secondary?

mostlyclueless

New member
After many months of trying to make it work my partner is throwing in the towel. He thinks that what we want out of poly is just too different. He wants basically a commune-like living situation, with many life-partnered people living together. I just want to be a normal person who has other lovers sometimes.

I would be willing to keep working and try to find a middle ground but he has basically made up his mind that he wants only this one specific thing and I can't give it to him.

I am so heartbroken, I feel so sad and disappointed. I thought we were a family and we would continue to build our lives around each other.

He suggested that instead of breaking up completely we just transition into something more like secondaries. He said whenever his next relationship happens, he will take it very slow due to mistakes he made with me, so it will give us some time to transition.

I don't know what to think or feel about this. I don't want it at all, I want everything to stay how it is. I don't want to move and I really don't want to stop being in love with him. He thinks this is the best way to do things, and he said he will love me and be supportive when I find someone new.

Please, if anyone has any thoughts or advice, I could use your help. This is the worst breakup I have ever experienced. It hurts so badly.
 
He's telling you he does not want the shape you want. Fair enough. He can want the shape HE wants from his relationship model he seeks.

Just like YOU can seek the relationship model you seek. It does NOT line up here so you guys can fly together.

Unfortunate and sad. It is painful to break up. But we do not die from that. Time will heal. You will be ok. *hug* You have to clear what you do not want before what you DO want can be invited in, and your next happiness can take hold and have space to grow in.

But this business of suggesting you stick around for something you do not want AT ALL in the first place, but in secondary form instead?!

Asking you to ignore what you know you DO want in your relationship so you can sign up to be his placeholder person to service his needs? While your needs are never going to be met here and he KNOWS he never will meet them? Asking you to compromise yourself ANYWAY and be ok with that because he will be slow when he brings his new honey over and he will be ok with it when you have your new honey? WOW! :eek: How fresh is THAT? Not loving or kind behavior.

You can skip the part about dealing with servicing his needs and dealing with his honey. Just get YOU to the healing place faster and toward your next honey without his cling on fresh.

STAY broken up. And then Run! Do not re-sign up for what you already KNOW you do not want.

And do not sign up to compromise yourself for his needs either. Meet YOUR needs. Not his. You are exes now.

You will have much better offers than THAT later down the road and hopefully closer to what you ARE looking for in relationship. You deserve happiness in the shape you are looking for.

Not leftover cling on freshness of his!

I am so sorry you are dealing with shenanigans from him. Ugh.

GalaGirl
 
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I don't know why so many seekers of polyamory believe that the configuration has to come first, and all they need do is insert the people into it. People come first (of course), and out of that the configuration should develop organically. I believe he will be hard-pressed to find a commune, or any bunch of people ready made for communal living, and just waiting for him with open arms. He's going to have a rude awakening when he sees how much work he will have to put into maintaining any relationship if he wants to steer them all into a communal setting.

I am sorry you're going through this.
 
Thanks for both your replies.

nycindie, I agree completely. This came up in our last discussion about it last night -- for me, most of the appeal of polyamory is NOT having to predefine roles for people in my life, and letting them just be what they are. My partner is SO SET on having this specific configuration (and all of a sudden, too, this came completely out of the blue) and I agree with you that it is just a completely unrealistic expectation.

Of course when I said as much to him he was really hurt that I was calling his dream "bullshit" (his word, not mine). I am thinking before I give up completely I want to talk to him about a lot of practical issues he seems to be avoiding.
 
Can you imagine if people turned these ideals into literals? Walk into a bar, find a pretty girl, hand her a large steel box. Tell her she smells nice and ask if she would kindly step into the box so you can carry her away. How can some people think the figurative box of group marriage doesn't sound just as ridiculous?

Talk about a bird in the hand... Or throwing out the baby with the bath water.

It sounds like you're in what could be described as a primary relationship. I don't usually use those labels myself, but does it even make sense to talk about a "secondary" when you don't have a primary to be secondary to?

Here's another approach... Let's be realistic. It's almost guaranteed that he'll never find this utopian commune he's looking for. You know this, I know this, but he does not seem to know this. So is there any harm in telling him that you're not opposed to the idea if it happens, but that you don't want to lose what you already have now in exchange for something that could take years to find? Let him go searching for this ideal, while you carry on as you were, until eventually he realizes he's not going to find what he's looking for, and drops this nonsense.

It's kind of like when I fantasize things that start with "When I'm a Millionaire..." and my husband smiles, nods, and literally pats me on the head.
 
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SchrodingersCat -- I have been thinking about that. Like, even if he wants to go through the motions of "transitioning" to secondaries (mainly, me moving out) I kind of think we will end up back together anyway.

He feels like he needs a partner who is seriously committed to seeking out this lifestyle. For some reason he is willing to throw away our entire relationship on the basis of the fact that I am reluctantly/tentatively willing, but not enthusiastically dedicated to this idea.

Another thing that I am realizing as I respond to these points is that he also claims to not really want a hierarchical model -- which is hard for me to accept, but I can see some benefits to it -- yet HE is the one "demoting" me to secondary? This shit makes no fucking sense.
 
Hear hear, sistah!

I mean, it's one thing to be in a relationship with someone who wants kids and you don't want kids. There actually are lots of people out there who want kids, so it's not unrealistic to think he could leave and find a woman who wants kids.

But if he wants to be in a love commune, he'll pretty much have to find one that already exists, make sure it hasn't reached its "penis quota," and pray that they're currently accepting applications.

Has he ever seen this work in real life? Does he know anybody living this lifestyle? Has he ever met even one single person who would be willing to do this? I don't know why I'm so bent on getting inside his head, I just don't understand some people...

Even if you were going to fake it, I envision a situation where he finds a woman dedicated to this crazy idea, but it turns out that you and she are incompatible for other reasons. Then, is he going to say "you never even wanted this, so you're just not giving her a chance" or is he going to respect your feelings?
 
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He doesn't even want to find an existing situation, he wants to build it himself out of people he picks!

No, he has never seen this work. I guess we know 1 poly family in a similar situation, but he constantly uses them as an example of people who are totally dysfunctional and he doesn't even want to be friends with them!!! As far as I know he has NOT met someone willing to do this, in fact his 2 most serious long term relationships before me (including a marriage) both ended because the women had decided they wanted to be completely monogamous.

I have never asked him for monogamy, I admit I have asked for a lot of boundaries and really exhausted his patience at times, but I agree with you, holding out for this unrealistic fantasy is just nuts. NUTS.
 
As a member of a vee, where my metamour would rather have our boyfriend all to herself. You do not want to be there when your boyfriend falls in love with someone else. You will be miserable and unhappy and insecure. Your metamour will be devastated that you do not accept her as part of your family if that's what she wants and what your boyfriend wants. Wanting to be in a monogam-ish relationship rather than a poly one is not a bad thing! Be glad your moving on to someone who wants to be committed to just you. unlike your recent ex.
 
He doesn't even want to find an existing situation, he wants to build it himself out of people he picks!

I hear you can order girls on the internet for that kind of thing... The first one will get a green card... Then he'll have to find some guys to marry the other ones. Or does his fantasy entail himself and a harem of devoted brides?

OK now I'm just being mean. I'll stop.

But at this point, I might show him this thread... Maybe hearing from enough people who have experience with polyamory will clue him in that his ideals are absolutely unrealistic. Do a search here for "unicorn hunter" and you'll find countless other examples of couples seeking a similar arrangement, and all kinds of experienced polyamorists telling them they're crazy.
 
To be fair to him, he says he is perfectly ok with having other guys in the house. But I am really not sure he has thought it through that much.

He told his lifelong best friend last night, and didn't get much support. Everyone thinks he is being crazy. Everyone.

So at this point I am kind of beginning to check out of the relationship. Part of me wants to try to convince him that what he wants will never happen -- it's like quitting your job because your dream is to win the lotto and claiming you'll never be happy otherwise. But part of me is starting to feel like...jesus christ, forget this guy.
 
So at this point I am kind of beginning to check out of the relationship. Part of me wants to try to convince him that what he wants will never happen -- it's like quitting your job because your dream is to win the lotto and claiming you'll never be happy otherwise. But part of me is starting to feel like...jesus christ, forget this guy.

Can't blame you. I'd feel the same way. Just check out so I can get ME to a healing place and then move toward my next future happiness.

I know this isn't fun to feel. Hang in there.

Hopefully your long term health/happiness will come soon even if you have to pass thru some short term UGH to get there.

GG
 
To be fair to him, he says he is perfectly ok with having other guys in the house. But I am really not sure he has thought it through that much.

He told his lifelong best friend last night, and didn't get much support. Everyone thinks he is being crazy. Everyone.

So at this point I am kind of beginning to check out of the relationship. Part of me wants to try to convince him that what he wants will never happen -- it's like quitting your job because your dream is to win the lotto and claiming you'll never be happy otherwise. But part of me is starting to feel like...jesus christ, forget this guy.

Things are becoming clearer to you. Always a good thing. I would definitely go for the "forget this guy" option. You really can't convince anyone who can't be convinced.

Some things just are what they are and it's up to him to examine his own ideals.
 
I am so sorry you are in pain. It is not fun to feel. *hug* :(

How can people help support you?

GalaGirl
 
GalaGirl, that is a really good question, it hadn't even occurred to me to think about that.

I think maybe what I need right now is sane, rational people countering the irrational things that keep coming up in my head -- that I will never find a true partner, that I will never find someone else who loves me, that I will never love someone else this much, that this was my only shot at a stable family (I am very close to his family, and mostly estranged from my own) and my only shot at kids (he pushed for kids and had just recently talked me into going off the pill, I wasn't even sure I wanted them before we met). My brain keeps jumping to these conclusions and part of me knows they're not true but they feel very real right now.
 
Alright. I'll take a stab. :)

that I will never find a true partner

You are not a broken half person seeking a partner to complete you. You are a whole, complete person all by yourself.

When you find another whole, complete person to share your wonderfulness with that you like the look of? And they like you? Then you will complement each other's completeness and radiate combined wonderfulness to the heavens.

Neither of you is broken people. You are so awesome right now that you can shoot rainbows out of your nipples if you felt like it!

And when you find your complementary partner person, you can shoot rainbows out of your nipples and your partner can fart cupcakes of of joy for your mutual pleasure!

(Not downplaying your hurtness -- just trying to make you laugh. Laughter is good for alleviating pain sometimes. )

that I will never find someone else who loves me

Sure you will. You are a loveable person.

Just because you are in a time of UGH does not take away from your loveableness. If you stub your toe somewhere you shout "Ugh!" and it does not take away from your loveableness. If you stub your heart somewhere you shout "Ugh!" and it does not take away from your loveableness.

A broken heart still keeps on beating. It's pumping all the UGH out to make the space required for new joy to come in. You can't fill a coffee cup with fresh coffee if it's holding coffee from three weeks ago.

So have to empty it out first. Ditto heart. You are in the dishwasher. It's hot -- endure. You will feel better later when clean.

that I will never love someone else this much

Sure you will. Your coffee cup is just fine. In fact, you own many containers -- mugs, glasses, buckets, your own hands. Your capacity for love is not limited to this one person. Your capacity for love is not diminished because this mug is dirty with UGH right now.

that this was my only shot at a stable family (I am very close to his family, and mostly estranged from my own)

You can still ask his family what they'd like their relationship to you to be. They chose who they want to be in relationship with. Not him dictating.

You can also build community anywhere else you want. Friends can be made anywhere.

You are not a broken, incomplete, unloveable person just because you have a dirty mug!

my only shot at kids (he pushed for kids and had just recently talked me into going off the pill, I wasn't even sure I wanted them before we met).

There's always having bio kids later with someone else.
There's always adoption.
There's always welcoming children in your life via other appropriate means (ex: tutoring, teach sunday school, volunteer to be in a big brother / big sister program, etc)

If you want to enjoy children in your life, you can make the space for that too.

My brain keeps jumping to these conclusions and part of me knows they're not true but they feel very real right now.

Yup. Brain chemistry. Not fun to endure withdrawal. They are real in the sense that your brain swims in your own body soup.

You will feel better in time. It's the grieving process. Mourning a lost thing.

Enduring stormy weather sucks!

But it's only after storms that you get rainbows. Don't get so bogged down looking down at muddy feet that you forget to look up and feel sun on your face and see rainbows. In your own good time.

You are the pilot of your own ship. You are in charge of your own destiny.

You shoot freakin' rainbows out of your nipples when YOU feel like it. Can even fart your freakin' own cupcakes of joy. When YOU feel like it.

You are a complete, whole person. You have worth, dignity, and value.

Even in the UGH dishwasher.

hugs
GG
 
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Glad I could give you some support and a laugh.

Right now you are in the Ugh place. Some other time I will take my turn in there and you can give me the support/laugh in kind.

Sigh. It is only in the Human Simmer that we get hammered into our best selves.

This is part of the horrible-wonderful-horrible-wonderful that is being ALIVE.

Namaste,
GG
 
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