Poly journey of Mya and rory

Rory and Mya, I have to say that I think you two are a pair of cool, thoughtful, eloquent, and together chicks.

Thank you, that's really nice to hear. :eek:

Alec went out with some people he's getting to know here, and apparently one of them asked why I and Mya didn't join them, so he told him what the deal was. I was glad to hear that. The guy may or may not become a close friend, but I'm glad that he's becoming comfortable enough to talk about the situation to some people. :)

I was so happy and proud of Alec when he told us this! :) I'm really glad that he's started to tell people about the situation.

...which brings us to me telling people. I've told about rory to everyone who matters in my life, except my dad and his wife. I'm the worst liar in the world so this is getting more and more difficult for me. :( Dad and his wife visited me and JJ a few days before I came here. I said nothing about the trip. Today he called me. And for some reason :)confused:) he asked if I was in my home country. :eek: I couldn't lie so I told him no. He asked where I was. I told him the country, which again was no lie. The good part in this is that he knows I visit my friends in this country anyway. Then he asked why I was here and that's when I lied and told him I'm meeting my friends. He sounded a bit baffled by that because I just was here few weeks ago (and he knew that) and I guess it's not very normal to visit your friends in a different country every month, is it? :p He is getting suspicious, I can tell. I have to tell him soon. I hate lying and I even get physical symptoms from it, like stomach ache etc. I was an easy kid and a teenager, since I could never lie to my mom or anybody else close to me. She could tell right away if I did so I stopped trying quite early. :rolleyes:
 
I just realised that this is the first time in my life that I'm spending significant amounts of time in a place where I haven't got much else than my partner. In my relationship with JJ it has always been the other way around. I've gone to places and he's either gone with me or stayed where he is but visited me often. I've visited him too, but it's a bit different because he's always lived in a place where I also have friends and family so I haven't been there only because of him.

So, it's been an experience. This time I've meditated quite a lot which is really good. I've read a book. I've learned some new skills regarding my line of work which will also be really good for me in the future. I've spent a lot of time on the internet. I'm just used to spending more time with people so it is an adjustement. Having this experience made me realise how little I really need that alone time. It's next to nothing. I think I'm well suited to be the hinge of a vee because I feel like I have almost endless amounts of energy. Being the leg of a vee can work too but then I need some other activities and friends to spend time with. It's going to be interesting to see how our relationship dynamic will work when rory comes to see me and JJ in January. I'm feeling really good about it and hopefully I'll be able to enjoy every moment of it. :)

I think the situation will be better for me once me and JJ move to the same country as rory and Alec. Then me and rory can visit each other more often and maybe not such long periods of time at once. That way I don't have to come up with things to do when she's not with me, I can just go back home.

Having said that, I think things have gone quite well this time. It's been less intense (in a good way) and rory has gotten at least some amount of alone time and has been able to do some studying too. :)
 
Mya's now been here for a bit over two days. Last time she visited there were quite many emotions for all of us, particularly early in the week when she had just come here. This time it's been less emotional and more stable and relaxed. That's good, mind you. I'm not completely rid of the feelings of anxiety that rise in regards to both Alec and Mya being happy all the time, but the feelings have only come up maybe once a day for a short while. I've been able to let go of the anxious feelings pretty well when they come, so it hasn't been so tiring.

The bolded part is my conclusion about the past (little-over-a) week Mya spent here. And something happened to the anxiety, too: after last weekend I had a discussion with Mya, there was a *snap*, and it was gone. Holy crap, what a relief. Before that, the intense anxiety would only come at times, but there was a small yet constant nagging feeling, which would not let me relax whenever I was with both of them.

There was something about what Mya said talking to me about her metamourship (hey, a useful poly term? :D) with Alec. At first she was wondering if there are ways forward so that they could become closer friends. But after a while she concluded that actually, the situation is maybe the best left as it is, and if the friendship will deepen on its own that will happen, but if not that is fine, too. Mya and Alec get along very well and all of us have fun together; they care about each other's well being and wish each other well; and they are able to communicate about things if the need arises. And really, that is all you need in a metamour relationship. It seems that there was conflict for Mya because often when she meets somebody she likes, she works very actively towards the goal of a deep, loving friendship, but she also felt that things were working well in our situation. If she were to seek a deeper connection, there would also be more risk of conflict. After all, you always need more compatibility the closer the relationship. At the moment, when Mya visits, she and Alec live sort of like roommates. Both of them respect each other's spaces, but like to come together and hang out when both of them feel like it.

Anyway, Mya told me the conclusion that she had come to: that she would let go of expectation in her metamourship with Alec, and rather let things either be what they are or develop on their own as they will. And I guess I've been worrying about those kind of things more than I've realised, because I felt relieved about that. I guess for a control-freak there is a lot to worry about, when you've got two people you love and who you wish to like each other.
 
Relating to the anxiety, and the now-lack-of, I realised that poly has brought up the strangest things to me. Way back when Alec and I started a relationship (I was 16), we had quite a lot of fights over misunderstandings. There was a pattern: he would do something or say something (usually very small) and I would take it as a clue about him being angry or sad or whatever, and then I wouldn't let it go until he'd get really frustrated: at that point I would usually realise/believe that I had mis-interpreted him in the first place, but we'd already be in a fight. These kinds of fights became rarer and rarer over time, it was mostly a problem during the first years we were together. Lately, there has been an occasional situation that has reminded me of this: I would mis-interpret something, or look for constant reassurance that he is OK, sometimes up until a point where he gets frustrated.

When we first started poly, and after he said he is fine with me starting another relationship, I asked him repeatedly things like "are you sure you're ok" or "are you sure you don't feel bad?". But then after maybe one or two weeks I realised I can't keep doing that for two reasons. Firstly, I have to trust him when he says he's OK. I need to trust him to communicate to me if there's a problem, and if he chooses not to, there is nothing I can do about that. Trust is the only option there is for me, because I can't control his actions. Plus, it is disrespectful of me not to trust him when he's given me no reason to doubt him. Secondly, by constantly asking him "is poly OK to you?" I was sending a message that if he suddenly changed his mind, I would be open to going back to mono without hesitation. And that really wasn't the case.

After realising that, I have stopped asking. But unconsciously, I've still been on the lookout for any signs of trouble. High alert for any signs of discomfort from Alec. And I have tried to fix it, and rationalise him out of it, whenever he's shared any negative feelings about poly (which, by the way, there were absolutely none during this visit :eek: :)).

I see now, that all that revolves around guilt. No other emotion is as difficult for me to get a handle on as guilt. And because of all that lovely societal conditioning, I have been feeling guilty about having two partners. As much as I know that Alec and I agreed to a poly relationship together, my feelings have been telling me "he wouldn't be in this situation / feel this way if it wasn't for me". Enter guilt, enter constant anxiety.

But as I wrote before, the anxiety disappeared. Maybe my head has finally convinced my heart about the fact that I am not responsible for Alec's feelings. And if I let guilt control my behaviour, I put both of us in an unfair situation. Myself, for I will feel constant anxiety for things I have no control over. Him, for letting him only feel the good sides of polyamory, and effectively denying him the right to sometimes feeling bad (and simultaneously making it impossible for him to get proper support from me).

I've been writing about me and Alec, but some of what I wrote applies to my relationship with Mya, as well. I haven't had as much guilt, and I think that's because she's also married, i.e. she's entering poly just as "voluntarily" as I am (as are obviously our husbands, too, because they have happily consented, but it's still felt different since we have more vested interests).
 
Elsewhere on the forum I came out with the fact that in my relationship with Alec there is an agreement that by some people's definition is one-penis-policy, and by other's not. I'll write something about how we got to where we are. Here's how our opening up has happened.

-- After 4 years of happy monogamous relationship life

me: "You know, I've been thinking. I feel really secure in our relationship. I trust you completely, and I know you always have my best interest at heart. I also know you love me very very much, and that you are committed to, and satisfied in a relationship with me. And I feel secure in myself: I know I'm a lovable person, and I can see why you want to be with me. There's this expectation in relationships that you're not supposed to have sex with anybody but your partner. I understand why many people want this, and I don't see any problem with it. However, I don't feel jealous at the thought of you sleeping with somebody else. So from now on, you can do that if the opportunity presents itself you feel like it."

Alec: "Well, I don't really think I would want to do that."

me: "Yeah, well, if you feel like it at some point, just so you know it's fine by me."

Alec: "Ok. You know, I haven't really thought about these things much. I don't know why it is, and it may be completely irrational, but for some reason I don't feel jealous at the thought of you having sex with another woman."

me: "You mean I could do that?"

Alec: "Yeah, if you want to it's fine by me."

me: "Wow. Well, I'm definitely interested if I get the chance." :)

-- 3 years of happy non-monogamous relationship life, during which I enjoy lots of kisses, some hot sexual action, and some really hot sex. Alec feels compersion about the fact that I'm enjoying myself, is satisfied in our relationship, and doesn't feel like having any sexual action with anybody else, although he kisses a female friend of his.

me: "You know this woman I travelled to see and had sex with last week? Well, I think I have feelings for her."

Alec: "That's nice, you seem really happy." :)

me: "I'd like to start a relationship with her and see where things go, but only if that's ok with you (and her husband)."

Alec: "I'm fine with that, I don't see why it would bother me."

me: "You realise that if we start a relationship, there is a possibility that I fall in love with her, and want to share my life with her, and spend a lot of time with her?"

Alec: "As long as you'll still want to be together with me, as well, I'm good with that."

-- (soon) 8 months of happy poly life, details of which can be read in this journal.

Now then on to the what-may-or-may-not-be-an-One-Penis-Policy. Anybody see why that feels completely irrelevant to me? First, I was completely satisfied in a monogamous relationship when I was in one. I never needed any freedoms for myself. Second, I am so very happy and satisfied with what I have. I feel blessed. I really appreciate Alec for being willing to walk through opening up to poly with me even as he has no interest in being in another relationship himself. He really puts my happiness on the same level as his own, without compromising too much on his own well-being, and that is one reason I love him.

Now, there is also the aspect that my sexuality has been going through changes, that is, I'm steadily moving towards 6 on Kinsey scale. Right now, if I weren't in a loving sexual relationship with a man, I would class myself as a lesbian. But even though that's pretty relevant, it's still irrelevant, since openness was never a need for me.
 
Last edited:
Baby steps.

I had the same mantra when I first got into an actual poly situation :) Generally onto "more confident strides" now, but every know and then I'm humbled by a stumble. But yeah, as you know: communication for the win :)

Love the format of your blog and happy lovin!
 
I had the same mantra when I first got into an actual poly situation :) Generally onto "more confident strides" now, but every know and then I'm humbled by a stumble. But yeah, as you know: communication for the win :)

Love the format of your blog and happy lovin!

Thanks for the comment fuchka!

Communication really is the key, isn't it. :)
 
I think we really need to make up names for the three cities we (especially me) keep talking about. They play such a big part in my life and in our LDR that it sometimes gets a bit difficult to talk about them without names.

During my last trip back home I started counting how much I've actually traveled this year and yeah, it was quite a lot. More than I thought. You can blame the whole global warming on me! :p I've flown 11 times this year. Many times the journey has included traveling from A to B via C (and sometimes via D as well), so if I count every individual flight, the number is 26. On top of that I've spent about 150 hours on long distance trains and buses. Oh my. :eek:
 
I've been thinking about boundaries a lot lately. I wrote somewhere on the forum that I have a boundary in my relationship with JJ that I wouldn't want him dating or sleeping with my closest friends. I think I would feel equally bad if rory did the same, but there has been no need for that boundary in our relationship because she hasn't spent much time with my friends (well obviously since we live in different countries). I talked about this boundary of mine with rory the other day and she asked some good questions about why I have it.

I have this one friend who I've known since childhood and we have a perfect friendship. I mean perfect as in I can't think of a single way to make it better, it is just the kind of friendship I want. So, if one of my partners started dating her, our friendship would never be the same again. I guess that's the fundamental reason why I would feel bad about it. Because I can't imagine the friendship with her getting better, it would have to become worse if it changed. I couldn't talk about my partners with her the same way I can now and she couldn't either. We would lose that part of the friendship and many more, I imagine.

But then there are a few friends that I could well imagine in a relationship with my partner in a way that wouldn't hurt the friendship. In some cases I could even imagine it improving the friendship: me and the friend could spend more time together and maybe become closer than before.

There are a couple of friends that I would like to keep to myself in a very selfish way. The childhood friend I mentioned, she's one of them. I wouldn't even like the idea of her becoming too good friends with my partners, let alone lovers. I hate myself for saying that because it sounds so awful. :( I know I don't own her and if things happen, they happen. And like I wrote in the other thread, this boundary is very much negotiable. So if my partner asked for it, I would reconsider and probably would let them do what they want in the end. Who am I to stop them? But it would take time to get used to the idea and let that friendship go as we knew it.

Although I will always want a part of my life to be just mine. A hobby, a friend, something. It's part of the ideal independant life that I want for myself. For being polyamorous I seem to be quite bad at sharing. :eek:
 
Because I can't imagine the friendship with her getting better, it would have to become worse if it changed.

I'm not saying this is a boundary you ought to drop, I just wanted to give a shout out to the idea that there's usually a third option. If something can't become better that doesn't mean it has to become worse by changing -- it can instead become different but equally good.
 
I'm not saying this is a boundary you ought to drop, I just wanted to give a shout out to the idea that there's usually a third option. If something can't become better that doesn't mean it has to become worse by changing -- it can instead become different but equally good.

You've got a point there, Annabel. :) The reason why I was thinking about that boundary and wrote about it was to be able to deal with it better and hopefully to get rid of it at some point. I have absolutely no desire to control my partners and be the one telling them not to do things, so I very much want to learn to feel comfortable with as many things as possible. I want to dig deep, find out why I feel uncomfortable and process it. So I'm happy to hear all kinds of feedback about my thoughts on this. :)
 
I want to write about love and attachment and expectations.

I've been processing those a lot since starting poly and even before that. I've reached a point lately where it feels quite easy for me to love without linking much expectation into it. It feels like loving without expectation is the most suitable approach for me towards relationships. In no way do I do that perfectly, but it is becoming easier.

To clarify what I'm talking about, I'll give you an example. A few years back I had sex with a friend of mine whom I liked a lot. It was a one time thing, but our friendship kept on deepening after that. I would have been open to having sex again, but my friend was not; and that made me feel somewhat sad and a bit rejected, but at no point did I let that affect our friendship. I have then made my peace with the fact that our relationship won't have that sexual side, and I no longer feel sad about that.

Now, I know that text talks about sex, but there is more to the picture. Had the feelings been mutual, I think I would have wanted a relationship (and the poly discussion with Alec would have come some years earlier). But they weren't, and when I talk about making peace with that, I also talk about letting go of attachment to an outcome. My feelings for my friend have not gone away, but they don't demand reciprocity. I do like to know that I am liked and cared for, but I do think our feelings are on different levels. I am fine with that, and allow our relationship be what it is.

Another instance where I've thought about these things is my friendship with Ally (who Mya mentioned in an earlier post). I have begun to realise that my desire to have sex with a person comes from a connection. It doesn't have to be deep enough that I would class it love, but qualitatively it is no different. I need to like and care for the person to want to have sex with them. Liking and caring for a person are also the components that love consists of, for me. So these things can confuse me a bit sometimes. Anyway, I wasn't going to go into the definition of love again. So where was I? :D

Yes, connection. Lately, I've felt like I would like to deepen my connection with Ally. It's not a pressing need, but I feel like it would be nice to become closer than we are now. Also, I've felt like I would be open to having sex with her, if the situation came up, and she was open to it. I've discussed the possibility quite a lot with Mya, and talking about it with her has helped me to figure out where I stand with it. She feels that if she was in my position, she would definitely not want to actually have sex because of the risks: the emotions may deepen into love, and thus it would hurt that there can't be a partnership (which there can't be between me and Ally for many reasons, the most obvious of which have to do with geography and neither of us having the practical or emotional availability for an additional relationship at least any time soon). I can understand her point of view, since that's really what culture tells us will inevitably happen if emotions are involved: that if you can't be in a relationship with a person you love, it will cause you unreasonable amounts of hurt. And I think that's how it works for some people. But I don't think that's inevitable for everybody.

If I were to have sex with Ally, it is likely that my feelings would deepen. I would probably feel closer and more connected to her. However, that wouldn't change anything respective to our circumstances, so even if that did cause me to desire a relationship with her, it wouldn't be possible. I don't deny there isn't a slight chance that it would hurt not being able to become more. But I highly doubt it would be in any way unbearable. That's just how life is, you can't always get everything you want. I can live with whatever feelings there are, and they don't dictate my actions.

Now then, it seems that I am pretty close to loving without expectation in general. But today I started thinking about my partnerships, and I feel that my approach is somewhat different there. I mean, I feel pretty unattached in terms of what a partnership must look like. I am open to LDR, open to my partners having children with other people (was even when in mono relationship, which is a hell of a lot less common than in poly circles). Basically, as long as my partner treats me with respect and love, our relationship is a (not THE but A) priority to them, and we are reasonably compatible, I'm good.

However, while I haven't let NRE effect my behaviour and judgement in my everyday life, it has ganged up with general exitement about poly, and as a result I feel quite attached to our happy N-shaped poly tangle, and to being in a poly relationship. And while, fortunately, I'm no longer teen enough to get engaged after a month of dating like I did with Alec, I can't help that in my mind I am really committed to Mya, and have been for many months. I'm not scared of commitment in any way, and I guess I've been lucky with her, just as I turned out to be with Alec, in that it looks like we really are compatible as partners. Yet, I feel that there is an issue here, but it's hard to pin it down. There is definitely a desire in me to share my life with Mya. But I also feel like the combination of NRE, New Poly Exitement, and strive for equality has put me on a conveyorbelt, on which I move towards the goal that is not so much decided on as it is a given from the beginning.

I don't know if that makes sense? Example. I feel like I really want to get (non-officially) married to Mya in the future. Now, what if I wasn't sure about it? Yet, I am already (officially) married to Alec. So it can't be that I oppose marriage in gereral. Thus, if I didn't want to marry Mya, that would signify (to me, her, and everybody else) that I care for her less than I do for Alec.

I feel that there is not much better advice than "let relationships be what they are". Yet I feel like because of our starting point, me and Mya have restricted room to figure out what it is our relationship is, and that some end points are more acceptable than others.
 
Last edited:
Wow, I'm finally getting to the bottom of it.

A radical thought (to me, maybe others will go "DUH" when reading this): what if the best thing to do is to drop the the notion of equality/fairness altogether?

I've never questioned the feeling I've had since few years back regarding poly. That thought: why would somebody who is single want to start a relationship with me, when I am already married and cannot offer what a single person can? Is it even ethical of me to even start a relationship with another person when I am restricted in what I can offer her?

Well, universe showed me the first flaw it there: the person in question may be already married themselves. Well, that solves everything, because the "things I can't give" she already has satisfied in her marriage, right? Wrong. Her needs from me are pretty much a separate thing from her needs from him. A married person may want/need a lot to be in a relationship, and indeed I've found myself wanting a lot from her even as I'm already married. I've found that it has a lot more to do with the personalities of, and the dynamics between, the people involved.

However, there is a bigger flawed assumption that no doubt has to do with my difficulties in defining my own personal boundaries: that were I single I would have no constraints to "what I can offer" OR that the only constraints now come from being married to Alec. Thus, as long as I was monogamous with Alec, there were no limits to what I can offer to him, right? Oh, please. Just writing that down I can see it so completely not true.

It comes to something I'm still trying to learn to understand: a person can't meet all their partner's needs/wants. Funnily enough, since becoming poly I'm really flexible in what get from my partners as long as they treat me with love and respect. What is harder for me to internalise is that I am not responsible to provide everything my partner wants or needs.

There's the problem with aiming for equality or fairness; it includes entitlement, a right to something from me. When actually all my partner has a right to is what I have a right to from them: to be respected, loved, and to be taken into consideration. Not that those are small things, they are huge. But it is obvious to me that I treat anybody I care about like that.

Equality/fairness includes assumption of entitlement. It will no longer be my aim. When a partner of mine tells me they want or need something, I will make it a priority (again, not the but a priority), as I always do. I will try to focus on that more, and only worry about fairness if somebody else expresses that something is unfair to them.
 
what if the best thing to do is to drop the the notion of equality/fairness altogether?

...

Equality/fairness includes assumption of entitlement. It will no longer be my aim. When a partner of mine tells me they want or need something, I will make it a priority (again, not the but a priority), as I always do. I will try to focus on that more, and only worry about fairness if somebody else expresses that something is unfair to them.

Beautiful! Really, this could be a "poly lessons" essay, very important stuff that we all need to at least be reminded of now and then. :)
 
As often as I think about stuff, or am dealing with some new insight, you cover this as well. Really scary somehow how similar all this seems to be. Is there a pattern one has to manage and go through when discovering poly? Sometimes I get the feeling that I can stop blogging, you do it beautifully :p I came to the same conclusion three nights ago, when I discussed the discrepancies between our relationships (me - Lin, me - Sward) with Sward.
 
I don't know what's wrong with me. Lately, for some reason, I've started to have these bad feelings, which I guess you could classify as jealousy. I think. :confused: Before poly I was so not jealous that I hardly knew what that feeling was. After we started, same thing, still not jealous. But it's a very specific situation where this new feeling comes up: JJ in a bar in our hometown hitting on a woman. He had one date with a potential fwb few months ago, that didn't feel bad. He has kissed a few women, one of them in front of me, that didn't feel bad. He has had feelings for someone else and made out with her, that didn't feel bad. I guess the difference in the bar situation is that anyone can see it, and without knowing the agreement we have, feel sorry for me after seeing him getting it on with someone else. Because it's such a small town, you can't really go to a bar without seeing anyone who knows you. I absolutely hate the thought of someone thinking (and maybe gossiping about) that JJ is cheating on me and "poor Mya, there she is sitting alone at home while her husband is doing all that". :rolleyes: I don't know if it's really jealousy or more something like a worry about my/our reputation in our hometown?

And also, now I have a new thing to worry about. The last time me and JJ went out together with friends, he danced with someone for a while. He said she hinted that she would like to sleep with him. When we discussed this at home, I asked whether he would've done it if I hadn't been there. He said that he probably would've. The thing is, I happen to know things about this woman (again, small town :rolleyes:, she's a friend of a friend). And she means drama. Baaad drama. I'm actually really happy JJ didn't do anything with her besides dance, because I can't just distance myself from his life completely and I'm pretty sure that act would've had concequences, bad ones. In general, I fear that he makes bad decisions if he decides to sleep with someone he just met. That's why I didn't feel bad about the date, even if it would've ended in them sleeping together, because at least then he would've known something about her. The same thing with the woman he had feelings for. But someone random - who knows what kind of things she would bring to our lives!

Ok, well maybe these things are not jealousy, but the result of them is the same: I feel like I should set a boundary. But I don't really want to. I want him to do whatever makes him happy and doesn't make me incredibly unhappy. But are these things any of my business? Should I just let go of all the worries? If so, how do I do that?
 
I think that asking to know about a woman before he sleeps with her so you can give your two cents is perfectly reasonable and not too limiting at all. After all, you share your body with this man on a regular basis, if he unknowingly sleeps with someone who's hiding disease or drama up her sleeve it will badly affect you!

As for your concern about people thinking he's cheating on you, why don't you accompany him to the bar a few times and make your approval clear, like come over and kiss him on the cheek while he's chatting up a girl, wink at her, tell her he's a catch and say "I'm heading home now to skype with my girlfriend but you two have a wonderful evening, k?" Then grin at him and say "text me if you're staying out late, handsome."

That would send the message to the town loud and clear, but also might be a liiittle more out and proud than you're ready to be? ;)
 
I think that asking to know about a woman before he sleeps with her so you can give your two cents is perfectly reasonable and not too limiting at all. After all, you share your body with this man on a regular basis, if he unknowingly sleeps with someone who's hiding disease or drama up her sleeve it will badly affect you!

It isn't too limiting? I'm relieved you think that. :) Somehow in my head it still is a bit too much, if what he wants is to hook up with someone he just met and not form too much of a bond with her (this isn't really the case, but I guess sometimes he would like to do just that), so I would be denying him the exact thing he wants.

As for your concern about people thinking he's cheating on you, why don't you accompany him to the bar a few times and make your approval clear, like come over and kiss him on the cheek while he's chatting up a girl, wink at her, tell her he's a catch and say "I'm heading home now to skype with my girlfriend but you two have a wonderful evening, k?" Then grin at him and say "text me if you're staying out late, handsome."

That would send the message to the town loud and clear, but also might be a liiittle more out and proud than you're ready to be? ;)

Haha, I love that! :D :D I could actually see myself do that in an ideal world. But yeaaah... A little bit too out and proud like you guessed. :eek: But that attitude is something to think about, even if I wouldn't say that in the situation. Then again, if there are rumours to be spread, I'd prefer them to be about us being open than us cheating on each other. :rolleyes:
 
I don't think it's unreasonable to express concerns about potential lovers who are drama queens and known to be problematic. Nor do I think it's too limiting to say, "I'd feel better if I at least met someone before you'd have sex with her." That wouldn't limit his dating, nor is it a veto, but just something that makes you more comfortable.
 
Yeah, Eric is all about the casual sex but would never dream of sleeping with a woman without Gia's "ok". The approval of the woman with whom he plans to spend the rest of his life is just way more important than that tiny extra degree of spontaneity.

At the very least, maybe he could text you the woman's name if he thinks things are heading in that direction, so if you know problematic things about her you can say "not her please!" But really, while some couples might not need this, I see waiting until you can just meet her once, even briefly, as perfectly normal, fair, and respectful. The waiting, if he meets her and establishes a rapport when you're not there could make it all the hotter, yeah?
 
Back
Top