I am sorry you hurt.
I'm a bit tired, but I'll try. Bear with me.
It takes time for the "new normal" to stop feeling
weird and BECOME "old normal." You are in transition. You could remember that you are weathering and experiencing CHANGE, not headed straight for DOOM.
Breathe, and try to relax.
You could focus on your wife's reassurance. She's told you she's not going anywhere.
- What does she have to do better to demonstrate loving, kind, reassuring behavior toward you?
- Is HOW she is doing it or how she is articulating it not working for you? Could give her feedback, and focus on the fact she IS trying here.
- Could remember it is new to her too and she's not going to be the perfect hinge right off the bat. She has a process here too.
You could focus on what you want from yourself -- to be strong in your behavior so you can feel better.
- When you focus on your paranoia feelings, it does not seem to serve you well. Could seek to move it FORWARD rather than keep it in the STUCK. Could adjust your focus.
- Could give yourself permission to BE in a transitional space.
- You don't have to be the perfect husband/metamour right off the bat.
- You are in a process.
What do YOU have to do
in your behavior to demonstrate loving and kind behavior toward you?
What do you want from the team? Seems like better communication on that layer. So... could think some and then try and ask again for what you need and HOW YOU NEED IT.
Could remember you are NOT your thoughts or feelings. You are the person
doing the thinking and feeling. If thinking destructive thoughts is leading to paranoid feelings you do not like? Could focus and consider constructive thoughts instead -- ways to bring you and wife together. Rather than divorce that would break you apart.
Inform wife this is where you want to go in the reassurance bucket and need her help with.
I am going to take a stab in the dark. Is this close to where it is at? But you struggle to articulate well?
"I need to be reassured. I see you trying, but could you please be willing to adjust HOW you reassure me? So I can weather this new change better?
Please do NOT encourage me to date at this time. Telling me to add a NEW change like dating a new GF person not helping me weather already turbulent waters here. I am feeling rocky from the other change -- a BF in the picture. I need (stability and togetherness) with my wife, not (more rocky new stuff and apart-ness) from my wife.
I know it takes time for the new normal to actually FEEL normal. I need extra reassuring about what my place in this new life is so I can relax about waiting for that time to pass.
I want to talk about how I fit into the new "3 people V" picture because the old "just us 2" has ended. I am mourning that loss and the new shape thing is still too new and feels too weird. So I feel left out on a limb here.
I don't know how to be in this new shape thing in my role as "husband and metamour" or what is expected of me.
I don't know how to be sharing her as a hinge person in the "V" shape.
I need help figuring all that out. I feel confused doing it alone. I want your help and input.
So when I want to feel close and connected to my wife, the last thing I want her to be telling me is "go find a GF." I rather you offer me a hug. Or a good talk. Or take me out on a date so I am not thinking wacky. Air me out.
At this time I just want the love I have with my wife, and I want her to express it by having heart to heart conversation with me and giving me some attention..
I could be wrong in my guess. But if it is close?
Could print that out and have wife read it.
Could any of these help you and your wife talk and communicate more effectively? She seems willing to TRY but y'all are still working out the HOW.
What if you read it together so she can know more of what you need at this time in terms of support? Esp page 5 & 6 things in the first?
BREATHE. It's ok to feel wiggy. This is new. Change is sometimes hard for people. That's ok.
Hang in there!
Galagirl