How to approach friend about her promiscuity & safe sex?

Vicarious

New member
I'm looking for some advice around a situation I have found myself having a challenge on how to discuss with my friend T. A brief history first...

I have a friend T that I met online a couple of months ago, that I started a sexual relationship with. This is/was new to me, as well as my wife M, and it has helped our marriage tremendously for me to have T as a lover.

When we started having sex, we had a safer sex discussion, and we have been not using protection. I have been tested, and she says she gets tested yearly. This has felt fine for me, as well as M & T based on how the conversation went.

The problem I have now, is that now that T is more a friend of mine/ours, she is more open about the extent of her other sexual partners. I was under the impression that she had a couple of other men in her life, and that she practiced safe sex.

Now, I have found out she has around 10 lovers, and is having a heck of a lot of 'fun'. Sometimes with a few of them in a day. My impression is that since she has come out of a horrible controlling marriage, she is now on a bit of a rampage. She has expressed needing to tame down her 'harem', and that she may have a problem (tongue in cheek)...

My gut tells me that she is not having safe sex with them, and this is the same feeling that M has too. For us, it is becoming a safety issue, not to mention that I have some feelings around what I thought our relationship is.

I am fine with T having whatever relationships she wishes, but I am feeling like this is not something I am comfortable with.

I've not been in this situation before, and need some advice on how to discuss it with T without making her feel like she is dirty, or being judged.
 
Well, I really don't understand how anyone could have unprotected sex with someone they barely know! A couple of months is nothing.

I think that was a real big mistake on your part. I probably wouldn't go bareback with anyone until I knew someone really well for at least nine to twelve months or so, had SEEN hard copy of at least two test results, and trusted them implicitly.

Common sense, man. That's all.

So, if I were you, I would get tested again immediately. And your wife, of course. Then I would simply tell T. that you were under the impression she had less sexual partners than she actually does and that you no longer feel comfortable with the situation. Ask her for specifics about her safer sex practices, so you are not just guessing and making assumptions about what she does based on how many sex partners she has. You don't need to get nervous about a frank discussion if you keep calm and just say what's bothering you in a matter-of-fact tone.

Then state what it is you want - for example, do you want to end it, ask her to whittle down the number of partners she has to a number that seems more reasonable to you, or simply use protection until you are both tested twice and six months apart, and you actually SEE the test results, not just take her word for it? But you should also know that she is under no obligation to give you what you want, especially if you are asking her to change how she approaches her own sex life with other people, which you really have no right to do (you can only manage your own relating to her and your own behavior), so adjust your expectations accordingly.

I also think you need to hone your communications skills so as not to base your actions on assumptions, going forward.
 
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To make sure I understand, you are having unprotected sex with T regularly? And I assume you have unprotected sex with M, your wife as well?

Is it the number of partners that is squicking you out? You seemed fine having unprotected intercourse with her when you thought she has having sex with a couple other men. Sheer numbers of partners does increase risk of STIs but you know what the main risk factor is? Having unprotected sex.

From your post it seems like there were assumptions made on both sides, and not much clear discussion. Have you talked with her about what her and your ideas of safer sex are? It's not just slapping a condom on a dick. Her ideas of what safer sex is and your ideas may not match at all and that is impossible to know without explicit, detailed discussion. For example, what about barriers for oral sex (giving and receiving)? Many people don't use barriers for oral but are strict about using condoms for intercourse or anal sex. Others would think not using barriers for oral is a safer sex fail.

Are you worried that she is making unhealthy decisions in picking partners? Again, sheer numbers might indicate that. Or she is letting off steam after being in a bad marriage. She may 'cool off' after a while. Or not. As long as she feels healthy and in control, then she is likely fine. If she feels it's a problem, then she may have some 'kid in a candy store' issues.

It does seem hypocritical to be upset about her making the same choices she did with you - just with more people.

That said, you have every right to make decisions about things that can affect your health.

My suggestion - stop having unprotected sex with T, get everyone tested (you, your wife, T), don't have unprotected sex with your wife until results are back, and have detailed discussions about safer sex expectations with T and with your wife.

Then explore why her having more partners has affected your expectations of your relationship with T. Why is that? Have you two talked about the relationship? What do each of you want?

Good luck!
 
Have you thought that perhaps, for the same reason you trusted her enough to have unprotected sex, she trusted you enough to do so? Maybe, just maybe, these other guys that she also has sex with, she uses a condom, just because it's that kind of relationship and she feels that maybe yours is different. Why exactly do you feel she doesn't have safe sex with these guys? To me, it seems like once you found out that she is promiscuous, you thought that she couldn't be making wise choices.

And sure, having unprotected sex is a risk factor for STIs but having unprotected sex with people who are vigilant about their sexual health is in some cases even safer than having protected sex with people who aren't. That's working on the premise that someone who is vigilant about their sexual health is more likely to know their herpes status than someone who isn't. Herpes, as we regularly discuss, can be contracted even with the use of barrier contraceptives, thus having unprotected sex with someone who knows they don't have an STI is safer than having protected sex with someone who is unsure of their status.

Having unprotected sex with someone before you discuss this sort of thing is not the smartest thing to do, but I really wouldn't go throwing around assumptions based on your sex negativity. That's what it seems to me that you are doing. Or maybe it's low self esteem where you don't understand why she extended you the same trust that you extended to her. You don't feel worthy of it.
 
You pretty much said it. Keep it simple.

"I am fine with you (T) having whatever relationships you wish. But I don't feel comfortable. It's a lot of other lovers for me to be connected to via fluid bonding with you. Are you having safer sex with all these people? How does this impact my own sex health?

If we are going to continue to be lovers, I would like to return to using condoms and test more often so I can be comfortable. Could you be willing to do that? Bring on the condoms and testing?"​

She either is willing to accommodate you so you can have peace of mind and use protection when you share sex together or not.

She is either willing to accommodate you so you can have peace of mind and test more often and share copies with you or not.

If it is that you want to end the sexual part of your relationship entirely or do some kind of negotiation -- then say so.

""I am fine with you (T) having whatever relationships she wishes, but I am feeling like this is not something I am comfortable with at this time. It's a lot of other lovers for me to be connected to via fluid bonding. I am beyond my personal limit. So... maybe we need to talk about ending sharing sex together and concentrate on being friends rather than friends and lovers. Or if you are willing to scale back in number since you indicate that... we could talk about that. Please tell me where you stand so we can determine together what's best for our own relationship. Discern if we're still compatible or not in light of new information."​

Having frank up front conversation isn't going to feel comfortable to you until you start having more of them. Be ok with it feeling weird -- move it forward ANYWAY.

You want to know if she's practicing safer sex. So ASK. So that you can KNOW.

Galagirl
 
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Does everyone realise that it's only his gut telling him that she isn't having safer sex? There is no concrete proof.
 
That's true. It's like Galagirl said, I need to become more accustomed to having these conversations. I am just looking for how to approach it without making her feel judged. Galagirl, you are incredible at putting it into words...

I know there is no proof, and that is why I am at the point of having the conversation around it all.
 
I get that. I still think that regardless of the answer you should examine why finding out how many sexual partners she has and the circumstances of that sex made you assume that she isn't having safer sex.
 
Then explore why her having more partners has affected your expectations of your relationship with T. Why is that?

. . . you should examine why finding out how many sexual partners she has and the circumstances of that sex made you assume that she isn't having safer sex.

I agree with Opalescent and London. What stood out to me was your use of the word "promiscuous," which indicates some judgment you have regarding how many people she has sex with. Why does the number of partners mean you have a different relationship than you thought you did? Do you think she's just to "slutty" for you to be important to her,or for you to consider her a partner? Were you feeling like just another notch on her bedpost? And why make assumptions about her sexual practices based on how many people she fucks? I am not asking these questions necessarily for you to answer here, but for you to ponder, at least.
 
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And a quick comment on the term promiscuity. I only used it as T is having some issues with maybe being on a sex bender. I'm not judging her lifestyle at all. I'm just looking for advice on how to discuss how the amount of sex partners is making me uncomfortable regarding safer sex. It is this new information that has me wanting to have a more in depth conversation.
I got tested 2 weeks ago as well.
 
Im very blunt and would be "you're using a condom right?"

bottom line is she's a grown up and she can make the choices she wants. im sure she knows the risks and if she gets an STD then that's on her. If you dont want an STD then you should use protection and maybe only have sex with people who have safe sex practices.

N and J have a deal, they both use condoms with other partners and if at any time one of them chooses to go barrier free with another partner then they will go back to condoms. If N decided he wanted to have multiple barrier free partners then I would choose to use condoms with him.
 
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I am just looking for how to approach it without making her feel judged.

Keep it simple -- Don't judge her and tell her your intent. If she feels judged anyway? Reassure her you are not judging her decisions. This is about YOUR personal limitations.

Everyone has one. Whether 1 other lover, 10, 100, 1000... everyone has a certain limit to their comfort zone. If you have reached your personal limit, you have reached your personal limit. Sort it out with her.

Just get it out there.

Even a simple

"Thanks for sharing this information. I'm not entirely comfortable with this new info at this time but I appreciate your honesty. Could you be willing to talk to me about what that might mean for our own relationship's sex practices?"


Whatever you want to use as the icebreaker -- just do it. And have the conversation you want to have.

Galagirl
 
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She will feel judged because you are judging her. You feel that more partners mean less chance of using condoms which isn't the case. Liking sex doesn't make you stupid.
 
She will feel judged because you are judging her. You feel that more partners mean less chance of using condoms which isn't the case. Liking sex doesn't make you stupid.

Seriously, I sense that you are judging me for wanting to find a way to talk to her about safe see, now that I have some additional info. I have no problem with her having multiple partners. But I have barrier free sex with her, and I feel some anxiousness because of this info.
 
What I am judging is why you think more partners mean unsafe sex. If she had one partner, she might ne having unsafe sex with him, that would put you and your wife at risk. You only felt unsafe when you found out how many people she fucks. This led you to make assumptions about how she fucks them. It seems that you feel promiscuous people are more likely to have unsafe sex. That kind of thinking is sex negative, judgemental and all round small minded. If you want to ask again about her practices with others, just ask. But if I was her and I picked up on the fact that you only had this fear of me being lapse with my sexual health once you knew I fucked more than you and wifey believe people should, it would be one of the last conversations we had as romantic and/or sexual partners. This is why I am suggesting very strongly that you examine why you think the way you do.
 
In the end you can only protect yourself against your partners.

You can refuse to have sex with her, unless you know she is protected, but in the end its her decision to do what she wants with her body...

and its your option to protect yourself in any way.

When we started having sex, we had a safer sex discussion, and we have been not using protection.

Start using protection, have the conversation again and figure out what you require to feel safe, and remember in the end all you can do is change your relationship with her, you can't force her to changes hers with them.

10 partners, with multiple potential partners, if unprotected, add up quickly to a butt load of unprotected sex. :)..
 
So, here is my follow-up on my conversation with T.

I appreciate the feedback and especially Galagirl's and inyourendo's advice on how to broach the topic.

I talked to T a couple of nights ago about safe sex, and whether she uses protection with her other men. She was very open about the conversation and assured me that I am the only man she has unprotected sex with, primarily because she knows my dynamic, that I am married, and I communicate with her about safe sex, who I am sleeping with, that I've had a vasectomy, as well as sharing my STI test results. She feels safe with me.

This is specific to intercourse, and my wife and I are comfortable with this, though I know this is not considered 'safe sex'...

Her concerns about having been on a bender are that she is feeling comfortable sharing with me that she wants to only have certain men in her life, and we had a nice conversation about who they are.

I feel better having had the discussion.

Thanks!
 
There you go.

You felt awkward, did it ANYWAY, had your conversation, and now you feel better.

Good for you!

GG
 
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