Leaf on the Wind

It turns out there's a train station about 10 minutes from where Flame is living. Which makes a winter trip a lot more doable, especially since it wouldn't involve flying.

I'm so grumpy the past couple days. Between that and eating everything, I don't even know what's up. I was bleeding like two weeks ago. What the hell, body.
 
I've been constantly going for over two weeks getting prepared for Nanowrimo and on Sunday, everything crashed. I went to a nano planning event Thursday, went to Spice's house to play a spooky video game on Friday, carved pumpkins with my niece on Saturday, and by the time Sunday rolled around, I was actively dreading the possibility of leaving my house.

So I didn't. This nano event was going to be a fun bonus thing for my me-day, but it turned into this whole other thing, so I pulled the plug on it. Instead, I sat around playing Witcher III until I was too tired to even do that (at about 6 pm lol), and watching Supernatural and making chainmail until bed time.

I keep forgetting to call this psychologist for Guitarist. And now it's nanowrimo and I feel like it won't happen, which is making me feel super guilty. I left the number at home AGAIN today, which is frustrating as hell.

I didn't get to see Raven on Friday. Ravenhub and her meta were having issues and she just didn't feel up to going out. I totally understand: I was about half way to canceling, myself.

Tonight, Guitarist is seeing Spice. She just got a new job in a well-respected, queer friendly company in her industry, and she's going to be working remotely, but they require her to do two weeks on-site training. So she's going to be gone a bit here, soon.

I'm happy for her, though. It's a job with actual medical benefits, which is HUGELY important for her and Spicewife. Among other things, they cover 6 IVF attempts, which is obviously a huge deal for them.

I've been restless, lately. What am I doing with my life? Am I where I want to be? Do I really want to apply for my exboss's job when it gets posted? Don't I have enough stress? Am I going to be where I want to be at 40, so that I can comfortably adopt? Will Guitarist want to go on that parenting journey with me, or will it be the thing that causes us to part ways? Everyone is having kids lately, or taking about having kids, including all my polycule it seems like. It's putting that stuff on my mind.

I'm not in a bad place, mentally. Just busy and restless, and seriously craving fall cuddles.
 
Well, the restlessness turned into a mild crash, as I had the feeling it was going to do. My brain has spent the past couple days picking apart everything that's "wrong" with my current relationships and trying to convince me that everything would be better if I just lived alone for the rest of my life.

Sigh. I know what's up, Brain.

It's almost funny at this point, because there is this drama/angst/forever alone part of my head that has always been there and it still exists, but therapy has been great for helping me to recognize it. About 90% of the time these days I'm able to more or less just roll my eyes at me and hold off on making major life decisions until I feel better.

Meanwhile. I'm really hot for Guitarist right now. Literally right now. He spent a good part of last night just stroking me with his hands and tickling me lightly, which I LOVE. This came after we had a really good polyamory checking in. So I was feeling really connected to him even before the touching, and my libido just came roaring back and I might have been teasing him just a little bit. Anyway, our shenanigans pushed back bed time, so I'm tired today. Worth it.

About the poly talk. We've pretty much decided that unprotected oral is okay as long as everyone is being tested. Transmission rates for most things are either low through oral, or seem to involve HPV, which is a lot less of a concern at my age since I've already likely been exposed. Part of my hang up on that, after lot of reflection, was my worry that Guitarist would assume that means unprotected oral is back on the table with US even though he's not getting tested regularly. So I just made it clear that that wasn't a thing, in my head, and decided to tell him that, and I immediately felt better about the whole thing.

I'm still not doing unprotected anything with Guitarist because he's still not getting tested. He's also pretty depressed lately and having trouble just holding down life, so I'm not holding it against him anymore.

And I do mean anymore: It's pretty clear in hindsight that, for a while, I resented that I "lost" the ability to have unprotected sex with him, even though I had agreed he could do unprotected with Spice. I had thought that he would just get tested and it wouldn't really change anything between us (I don't know why I thought that, lol, he's not very responsible). But he didn't, so then Spice was getting unprotected stuff with him. And I was not.

It was intensely an couples privilegey thing and I don't think I wanted to acknowledge to myself how deep that jealousy/resentment went. It felt like he was choosing Spice over me, in a way. That was back before I realized how bad he's been feeling, though. I'm pretty familiar with depression and it was unfair of me to ascribe a motivation to his inaction like that. Also, I'm just a change-averse person in general and it always takes me time to adjust. I'm feeling pretty adjusted, now.

Besides, what risks Spice chooses to take are her own business. This is really about me and the risks I'm willing to take and not take. Resentment resolved. So I'm over that now, and I feel pretty silly for having felt that way in the first place. Realizing what was up with me definitely led to the present re-examination, though.

During the unprotected oral conversation, Guitarist asked, or implied, or said, my memory isn't exactly clear, whether my decision had anything to do with things heating up with my relationship with Raven. And of course it did in part, because I've been thinking about that a lot lately as well as my him-thing. But even with the unprotected oral being okay if everyone is testing thing, I'm not sure I'd be willing to go unprotected with Raven, anyway.

She does test regularly, but I don't trust her other partners. I don't even know all her other partners.

I mean, she has Ravenhub and another guy, I'm going to call him Panda. And I know both of them and they seem like upright folks. But she's also had more casual encounters, and I'm not even sure I know all of them, because I said that since WE aren't having sex, who SHE has sex with isn't my business. And because WE aren't having sex, it didn't seem that important. I'm attracted to Raven, I enjoy making out with Raven, and I'd like having sex with Raven, but at this point it might require changing our relationship dynamic if we were talking anything riskier than assistance with toys, and I'm not really sure I want to do that. I'm not even sure she'd be okay with that.

So I don't know. That's all the relationship stuff I have for now. I'm hoping to get some time alone tonight to talk with Raven frankly about the sex thing, but since date night is at my house and Guitarist will be home, I don't know if it will happen.
 
I've been disgustingly sick and also on my period. As if that wasn't obviously coming from the Serious Grumps that I had.

I didn't get around to discussing sex stuff with Raven. Seeing her made me feel better about everything and I'm back to enjoying what we have instead of what I wish we had. Also, we were hanging out at my house and Guitarist's door was open and that just made me feel weird. I thought later about texting her about it, but it seemed a lot less urgent after seeing her, so I didn't.

And then I didn't get to see her yesterday because I'm grossly ill, first with a cold, then with two ear infections and a sinus infection. The antibiotics are just starting to kick in, whew. I basically didn't get any writing done this week, but come Monday I'm putting my nose back to the grindstone. I can still 'win' nanowrimo this year if I don't let the Week Of Ill psych me out.
 
Things around here have been just going along. I didn't get to see Raven last week because I was super sick and I didn't want to pass anything on to her. Tomorrow night we might be going to Small City's annual holiday parade thing and tree lighting, if the weather is nice enough. I'm not going to go and get rained on. But I used to march in it with my high school marching band and I think it would be really neat.

Guitarist seems to be out of his deeper funk and back into Guitarist mode. Things have been good with him lately, too. I've been feeling quite close to him and very connected, to the point of really wanting sexy times, if only this period (which has been literally dragging on for two weeks at this point, I HATE being so irregular) would just end already.

I'm trying not to get too many expectations of things staying good into the holidays. I had been really looking forward to going to Florida with my mom to visit my grandmother, but then my dad decided he was going, and I don't want to drive with both of them. Initially it was because he smokes like a chimney while driving and I have asthma, but now it's because he's trying to quit smoking because he was recently diagnosed with severe emphysema. More importantly, I love both of my parents individually, but together they have a toxic dynamic I have no interest in being a part of. Not on the drive, not in the house. And it wouldn't even be a true vacation, because my dad insists on doing work on my grandmother's house while he's down there, and so he insists that everyone help him do work, so it ends up just being a week of physical labor instead of a week of vacation. Sigh. I had been looking forward to it.

So I'm going to be up here, which means various family holiday obligations and driving and stress instead of a nice vacation in a warm and sunny place. And then I need to figure out my off days and get my train tickets for visiting Flame in January.

Well, I started out this post with a warm fuzzy feeling, but now I'm feeling stressed!
 
It’s crazy how things in my life can go from feeling fine to feeling suddenly not fine in the span of a day or two. Maybe it’s my craziness in action. Because at least with the present Raven stuff, I know that my anxiety is playing a part in everything.

We made plans to go to the local winter parade/tree lighting/fireworks event today. We’ve been talking about it since earlier in the week, since it seemed like it might be fun to do something other than just eating together and watching TV. No plans majorly in advance, since who knows what the weather will be like this time of year.

This morning rolls around. We’re chatting, We decide that she’s going to get dropped off at my work, maybe around 4:15/4:30. After her and Ravenhub go pick up their new cat that they’re getting. I say that I get off work at 4:45 and we talk about walking over together. We don’t anticipate me getting off work early or anything, but I let her know it’s a possibility, and to just let me know.

So 4:15 rolls around and I’ve heard nothing else back after just let me know. I was fine until 4:20, which is when it’s like… okay, what’s the plan here. But 4:30 was mentioned as well as 4:45, so whatever. I text her that my day at work was exhausting (which it was) and that I was starting to get anxious because I hadn’t heard from her and didn’t know what to expect (which I hadn’t). And that it was being compounded by a shitty day at work and tiredness (which it was). Maybe 10 minutes later I hear about how she’s just getting back from trying to get the cat, which was unsuccessful.

Okay. And how there’s an adoption event tomorrow when they’re going to get the cat. Okay.

And she’s planning on leaving in ten minutes for getting dropped off to come see me.

Uh, what.

Cue tears on my part.

It’s now 4:45. It’s the time I’m supposed to get off work, the latest possible time we’d talked about meeting up. So I’m supposed to, what, wait around at my job for another half an hour on a Friday? Maybe longer depending on traffic, which is shit even when there isn’t a major event going on downtown? I’m supposed to hang out by myself in an empty building, or maybe wander into town with tears streaming down my face or something? Bunch of nope.

I ended up canceling on her. I just cannot do this unexpected time/unexpected plans shit, not today. And if I’m being honest with myself, I can’t do it HARDLY EVER.

I’ve now swung from anxiety into depression.

I really like hanging out with Raven, but I feel like there is this constant barrier of “will she cancel on me/will she be on time” that just creates this fog around any time I’m anticipating on spending with her. When I do spend time with her, it’s amazing and she’s great and we click and have fun.

But there is this whole constantly shifting plans, being late to everything thing. It’s not exactly what I’d call a failing. Plenty of people aren’t responsible about time, and their timing is really more of an “ish,” and that works out for them and other people. But I can’t do that on a regular basis. It just seems to be an incompatibility between us that plays really poorly against my anxiety. And maybe it’s partially my fault. Other times when stuff comes up or cancelations have to happen, I can be very NBD. It just depends on how the day is going. But other other times, that is not the case. It isn’t NBD. It’s very much BD.

I’m going to be depressed all night. I’m wondering, should I even talk to her about this. Maybe I should just cut my losses. Maybe this time-responsibility issue is like a fundamental incompatibility thing for me because it presses my anxiety button so hard.

So now all of this has me thinking about Purr, because I’m wondering whether November is cursed. Maybe November is the cursed month. Maybe the stress of NaNoWriMo makes me incapable of letting things roll off that I can deal with at other times, like cans of trust-breachy worms and issues of plans and times. Maybe the litmus test of my relationships is whether they can survive November unscathed.
 
Update: After I calmed down and stepped off the anxiety/depression merry-go-round of bad feelings and illogical thoughts, we had a good text conversation about what went wrong on my end. A lack of concrete plans/change of plans thing regarding a large, people related event is very anxiety-making for me. I apologized for the abrupt last-minute bail, and we're going to maybe get together on Monday.

That said... the incompatibility might still exist. This isn't the first time this has happened and if it keeps happening, I dunno.
 
Raven and I texted quite a bit this morning about my anxiety and her new kitten (squee!). The more distance I get from my melt-down on Friday, the more I feel like it was more a function of anxiety. Was Raven's behavior inconsiderate? Sure. But did I overreact? Also sure.

I'm not sure it's worth burning the whole relationship down over.

I asked for a concrete time for dinner tonight, because that's what I need, and we set a time. I was very clear about expressing myself and my need for predictable times right now. So I guess we'll see whether she's on time.

Guitarist is off on a date with Spice tonight, she just got back from a long trip starting a new long-distance job. And thinking of long-distance, I booked my train tickets to go see Flame in January. I'm keeping my expectations low, there, but I'm really looking forward to seeing him any which way.
 
Tomorrow, I'm doing Thanksgiving with Guitarist's mom and step-dad, Friday Raven is maybe coming over, and Saturday I'm doing Thanksgiving with my family.

All the social. So much social. Shoot me now.
 
I somehow managed to survive multiple thanksgivings over the weekend. Raven didn't come over on Friday, but since I wasn't actually expecting her to, I didn't have a melt-down or anything. Much like Guitarist, when she says she 'might' do something, I'm coming to realize that means there is a 95% chance it won't happen. My pet theory: It's her way of saying 'I know I should but I probably won't' without actually saying she's not going to do something

Of course, I'm not perfect at doing what I say I'll do all the time, but usually when it involves plans with other people, I'd rather say no to something I might not make than cancel on someone at the last minute, or have someone potentially waiting on me.

Two lessons from this. If there is a 'maybe' plan and something else comes up, the maybe plan is not a good reason to deprive myself of fun. And if there is a 'maybe' plan, I should not count on it actually happening.

This weekend is going to be intensely busy. I have a bunch of social stuff and stuff for my nonprofit, as well as a date with my video game. Tonight is the only night I have "off" until next week, and that's only because I have a virtual write-in that I'm skipping since there's no way I can win nano this year and I'm Just So Tired.

I can't wait for it to be the end of December already. I have about 10 days of row off work, many of them just relaxing, and November has been anti-relaxing.
 
Following nanowrimo, things have descended into a state of calm around here. Stuff in our house keeps breaking, though. This time it's the garage door opener. And the dryer is still on the fritz.

In good news, Guitarist has been doing more around the home. So when Spice unexpectedly had to come over last night because he couldn't get out of the garage, it didn't freak me out as much as it might have.

Things with Raven are still idunno. I don't have any strong feelings for or against our relationship. I enjoy seeing her when I see her, but I don't have any stronger emotions toward her than I have as a friend. But it's comfortable and I don't want to disrupt it. I kind of feel like a bad partner. I wish I felt more. But I think my expectations lifting and getting dashed has taken its toll on how much emotional exposure I'm willing to give myself. She's a great person, she's fun, but I don't love her, for which I'm pretty relieved.

I'm still planning on going out to see Flame in January. My tests are all back negative, and the tests he has back are negative (with no expectation the others will be positive) so I guess there's a possibility of sex stuff there, if I feel like it. Which I suspect will honestly have a lot more to do with how we reconnect, first, and then second whether he feels like putting in the effort to me interested.

I'm pretty ambivalent about sex at all right now, to be honest. I don't really have a sex drive lately, even for the people I DO love, but I still enjoy sex as a bonding activity. I wish I knew how much was my medications, how much is the time of year (my interest often drops in the winter), how much is age-related changes, and how much is how I've always been. Not that it would change where I'm at now, but it would be interesting to know.
 
Things remain quiet and stable. Everything is good with Guitarst. Lately, he's started doing a lot more work around the house, which makes me intensely happy.

I'm content with where things are with Raven. I'm not getting to see her this week, continuing our every other week tradition, but since my mood is stable right now it's not driving me crazy. I enjoy her company when we do get to spend time together. I don't think the relationship will ever escalate to the place I'd like it to be, but no relationships is ever perfect. If I view it standing alone, it brings me more pleasure than frustration. I hope I've moved into acceptance instead of struggling with what I'd like the relationship to be.

I'm excited to get to see Flame in January. He's been squeeing extensively to me over the phone about his birthday present and my upcoming trip. He's having a rough patch in life right now after his move. Apparently his ex kept a lot of information from him while he was across the country that is now getting divulged, like that his son might not be neurotypical, and he's struggling a lot with guilt and worry over that. I'm still not really sure how the trip is going to go, but it'll be good to see him. I was shocked to realize that it's been years. Years!

I'm not really looking forward to the holidays. We've recently been dumped on with snow, I hate driving, I'm not really into peopleing, etc etc etc. But I did take 3 days off from work, which gives me 11 consecutive days off, and it's hard to beat that.
 
My relationships are good right now. Meanwhile, my dad was recently diagnosed with severe COPD and won't quit smoking, and my dog is having emergency surgery today for an obstruction in her stomach. I haven't posted much because there hasn't been much poly processing to do and I've been pretty depressed and listless due to the various health crap.

I figure there will be processing around me going out to see Flame (soon, so soon, it feels like crazy soon at this point), but none of that has happened yet. It's all been dad stuff and dog stuff around here.
 
*gentle internet hugs* (if you want them)

I'm sorry your dad is ill and struggling with addiction. That is really hard to deal with.

And I'm sorry your dog has an obstruction. That's pretty serious and scary. But I'm glad you can address it medically.

Best wishes for your dad, your dog and you.
 
Thanks, so far so good with my dog. She's regained her appetite and unless her situation changes drastically within the next 5 days, she should recover.

...

If nothing else happens with her, it won't disrupt my trip out to see Flame. But if anything else arises, I'm going to have to reschedule. Yesterday, I was thinking about canceling due to not feeling great about saddling Guitarist with sick dog duty for a week, and worry that I'll have more worry about my dog than fun, but I ultimately decided that I'd rather still go. Both Guitarist and Flame have been amazingly understanding and supportive of whatever I decide, which... what did I do to deserve such understanding people in my life, I don't really know.

Raven and I made plans for next week during the week, since I'll be traveling on a Raven day and she's been sick so I haven't seen her for three weeks now. I miss her, but my resolution to let that relationship be what it is really seems to be paying off in the sense of me stressing out about it a lot less.

I'm also totally over trying to avoid getting sick. If it happens, it happens, so I've offered to come over to her place and nurse her a bit, but she hasn't been feeling up to it. Which I also totally understand. I'm glad I'll be getting to see her before I leave the state for a week.

As far as the trip itself, I'm getting pretty anxious. I hate travel and I hate change and this is involving a fair bit of both. Flame is one of my best friends and the possibility of romance changes things. But also... what if it turns out that I don't want romance? He says he'll be fine with that and he's just excited to see me, but I'm worried he might get very disappointed if the demi side of my demisexuality refuses to go home and I don't want to do anything sexual. I haven't been very sexual lately, anyway, so that's a real possibility. My anxiety is all like, this could totally ruin your friendship! I'm trying to choose to believe that it won't, and if it does, worrying about it now won't change it.

I'm also worried that Guitarist is having or will have Feelings. This is my first possible other-guy-thing, since I'm mostly into girls lately (another reason why I'm like, AHHHHH what if it doesn't work romantically with Flame). I don't think anything will ruin my relationship with Guitarist. But new things and changes are weird and unpredictable. I can have some pretty strong Feelings when he's seeing someone new, but maybe I'm just projecting.

The fact that we haven't talked about it at all makes me suspect that he IS having feelings but he's dealing with them, and I don't want to push a conversation if he needs his space. Or especially I don't want to push a conversation if he ISN'T having feelings. But I've had a lot of time to adjust to him having other things with women, and there were definitely some Feelings there, and this would be my first time having a thing with another man, so I can't expect that there are no Feelings.

It doesn't help that have a huge layer of guilt going on right now. I feel like I'm being unfair. Guitarist barely ever does overnights, and here I am, leaving him for a whole week. I know that polyamory isn't a quid pro quo kind of thing, but... I don't know. That thought is hanging around, trebly so since I'd be leaving him with sole pet care for a large dog recovering from surgery.

So that's where I'm at: a ball of guilt and anxiety in just about all non-Raven directions.
 
I haven't been getting a lot of sleep and I've been really anxious lately. Uncertainty slays me, and there's very little more uncertain than my dog's constantly evolving medical condition in conjunction with my planned trip... at the end of this week. Just saying that tightens up my shoulders.

My dog has been leaking serous fluid from her incision. Apparently this is not something crazy for an incision of this size, and we're supposed to just monitor it for signs of bleeding or infection. Which I know now, but last night Guitarist saw a drop of red on the snow after she pooped and that led to all kinds of anxiety about her stitches. We're back to just serous fluid this morning. The vet said to just keep an eye on it, unless the volume increases or there is blood or pus.

I'd never have thought I'd care so much about the state of the crap that comes out of my dog, but here we are.

I'm seeing Raven on Wednesday after work. That's after a hair appointment. I had to double up because I have something literally every other night this week and then I'm leaving Friday morning. Uuuuugh. I've never dreaded a trip so much, but I know that I'll regret it intensely if I don't go.

Flame continues to be understanding about the possibility of last-minute cancelations. He'd do the same if it was his pet, he says. And Guitarist seems to have no resentment, or if he has it he hasn't said anything.

I have to trust my people to mean what they say, and say what they want or need. This is my mantra when my anxiety is whispering all kinds of "but what if" at me. Still, though, it would be nice to get some sleep.

I have counseling tonight so hopefully that helps.
 
I'm still having a hard time believing that I'm leaving to see Flame tomorrow. There's so much I need to do. Enter my hours at work since I'm going to be gone at the end of the pay period. Pick up prescriptions, cut pills and put just enough of them to last in old but not expired bottles for travel (the joy of traveling as a lawyer with scheduled substances!), print tickets in case something goes wrong with my phone tickets, dote on the pets. Decide which books I'm taking, print off things to edit by hand, clean out my laptop case. Try to sleep.

Guitarist is going to be gone this evening, I think over at Magical's. He hasn't seen her in a good long while. While I was initially like, why on the last night before I leave for a week, he said he just didn't think about it. I believe him. I think I put a lot more weight on those kinds of things than he does. But looking at my busy packing schedule, I'm kind of glad he's going to be out of the house. I would worry about him driving me to the train station in the morning, but I know that he'll probably be back in plenty of time and I doubt he's going to try to sleep anyway. His usual bed time lately has been 5 am.

As for the trip itself, Flame has asked things like what kind of coffee do I like. Very thoughtful, I don't know why it would stress me out so much, but it does. I think because it's a reminder that this is coming up tomorrow (tomorrow!) and I'm so unprepared for traveling and still anxious about how things are going to go. It's pointless to worry about things that might not even happen, but here I sit, mentally rehearsing conversations that probably won't occur. Good times!
 
Despite the massive loads of travel anxiety, I had a very good time at Flame's. I got to play tabletop Starfinder with his gaming friends. They're great RPers and more focused on the RP than the hack and slash, which is a dynamic that just doesn't happen with my gaming groups here at home. Not that I don't love my friends, but Irish is very much a min-maxer, and I distinctly remember this time a sheriff walked into a bar to talk to the party and they ended up starting a gunfight in Deadlands. For no reason.

We also went to trivia with the same group of friends. I am so relieved to see that now that he's moved back to the midwest, he has a supportive group of people. Flame's closest friend lives just up the block within walking distance and is clearly the rock-type of friend that Flame was desperately missing when he was on the west coast. Flame himself seems to be doing so much better. Between rounds of hanging out with his friends, we mostly just chilled on his giant bean bag, in front of his gas fireplace, watching TV or playing video games. It was intensely relaxing.

We did end up having sex, quite a bit of it after it started happening, but since he had said there was no pressure, it took that worry away. Instead, we just fell back into our friendship pretty much the moment I stepped off the train, and sex just sort of happened, like it does between me and my friends. He had forgotten to pick up condoms, so there was a lot of outercourse at first, which is very much my speed. I think it helps that we text pretty much every day, even though I don't physically see him all that much, so I tend to remain feeling very close to him even when we're at a distance.

At the risk of TMI, I will say that it's very different dealing with a different penis. I haven't had a different penis in something like eight years. I'm used to certain sensations and there was some mental adjustment that I had to make.

I'm planning on going back out there in the summer at some point, after I check my vacation time accruals and we can figure out a week that will work. Probably over another holiday, so that I can spend more time out there without having to burn through all my vacation time. Not that this isn't what vacation time is for, but I definitely need at least a week in October for my anniversary trip with Guitarist.

Flame and I had some talks about future stuff and he's not really sure what he is planning on doing in terms of other relationships. He isn't looking for anyone right now because he's still working on himself, and he's worried about opening up to someone else, since he tends to get taken advantage of when he does. He would like to have a nesting partner eventually, and he also hopes to find someone open, but he's not committed to that exactly. While this kind of uncertainty would normally drive me insane, it isn't bothering me very much right now. I imagine that will change after the Intense Happy wears off, though.

Since I've been home, I've been buzzy with happiness. I did some processing with Guitarist when I got home and he wasn't having any Feelings at all, beyond missing me while I was away. The happiness is positively affecting my mood with Guitarist, as well. I haven't been this horny for him in a while. Not that I don't love sex with him, but I almost feel like I'm back in NRE with him what with wanting him all the time and feeling so madly in love with everyone and everything. I just wish he wasn't sick right now.
 
I had a pretty bizarre dream last night. I was at an apartment that I shared with Purr to pick up some things. I hadn't told her I would be there, and I had all of my pets with me. I had just gotten out of the shower when she showed up with 3 people with whom she was pretty clearly making out. She asked what the hell I was doing there and I said I was grabbing some things to take home. I apologized for being there without telling her, and she was clearly angry, but invited me to engage in sexual activity with her people. I declined, and she started throwing my stuff at me, telling me we were breaking up. So I told her that was okay because I'd been thinking about breaking up with her, and she got even more angry that I wasn't upset. Meanwhile, one of her people let my dog out into the street, and then we couldn't find my cats when we were loading up my car. It was an insane dream. Nothing about it was like Purr at all.

I wonder if my brain was doing some Raven processing somehow. I'm supposed to see her tonight, I know I'll have fun after we reconnect, but I'm feeling very "meh" about it right now. I'm not consciously in a place where I want to end the relationship, but maybe my unconscious mind is?

I so don't even know. Raven hasn't done anything wrong. I just don't see her or connect with her regularly enough to maintain a spark. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, and I'm in a place where I value what we have, even though it's not everything I was looking for. I don't even WANT to look for another thing, so it's not like I feel that I'm missing out on something else somehow by seeing her. I just don't think I care whether it continues or ends, which is a horrible thing to admit. I'd be just as happy being her friend as I am being her girlfriend.

Maybe it's something I should bring up in therapy and see what my shrink says.

Speaking of therapy, I "graduated" again. She says I've made really remarkable progress in the year+ and that I probably can cut down to once monthly. We're doing a trial thing where if I think I don't need the next week's appointment, I can call and cancel. I'm so glad my first therapist this time was such a great fit with me and that my meds are doing what they need to do. Thinking back on how bad I was makes me sad. That's the problem with being high-functioning on a mental illness: you think you're fine until everything is SO NOT FINE.

Meanwhile, Guitarist gave me unexpected couch cuddles yesterday. He's going to a sex party over at Spice's tomorrow, and we need to clarify my expectations, but I'm suprised at how not worried I am. A few squibbles and that's it. I think my trust has rebuilt, if not entirely, at least to the point where I'm not on edge that he'll make another rule-breaky choice.
 
Well, I think I should stop trying to read too much into that bad dream because, in the first place, my date with Raven went very well and we had a great time as usual. So my reminders to myself that the two weeks between dates seems related to a lot of the pre-date feelings of apathy and distance was on point.

Second, I've been having nightmares all weekend. This morning I woke myself up yelling a couple of times starting around 6 am because I was dreaming that my dad broke into my house and stole the dehumidifier out of my basement. He replaced it with a "better" alternative that was clearly not working. Everyone in the dream kept trying to convince me that it was working fine, even though our basement walls were seeping moisture and there was a puddle. Also there were feral cats breeding in our basement. Also my sister and her husband who I don't like were living with me and didn't want to get the cats fixed or try to rehome them.

So... yeah, I think I've just been anxious about this job I applied for, that I'm pretty certain I won't get but apparently hope and anxiety both spring eternal. My potential future boss said she wanted to make a decision "by February" so hopefully I hear back about that soon and can stop having these crazystressful dreams.
 
Back
Top