Well, the restlessness turned into a mild crash, as I had the feeling it was going to do. My brain has spent the past couple days picking apart everything that's "wrong" with my current relationships and trying to convince me that everything would be better if I just lived alone for the rest of my life.
Sigh. I know what's up, Brain.
It's almost funny at this point, because there is this drama/angst/forever alone part of my head that has always been there and it still exists, but therapy has been great for helping me to recognize it. About 90% of the time these days I'm able to more or less just roll my eyes at me and hold off on making major life decisions until I feel better.
Meanwhile. I'm really hot for Guitarist right now. Literally right now. He spent a good part of last night just stroking me with his hands and tickling me lightly, which I LOVE. This came after we had a really good polyamory checking in. So I was feeling really connected to him even before the touching, and my libido just came roaring back and I might have been teasing him just a little bit. Anyway, our shenanigans pushed back bed time, so I'm tired today. Worth it.
About the poly talk. We've pretty much decided that unprotected oral is okay as long as everyone is being tested. Transmission rates for most things are either low through oral, or seem to involve HPV, which is a lot less of a concern at my age since I've already likely been exposed. Part of my hang up on that, after lot of reflection, was my worry that Guitarist would assume that means unprotected oral is back on the table with US even though he's not getting tested regularly. So I just made it clear that that wasn't a thing, in my head, and decided to tell him that, and I immediately felt better about the whole thing.
I'm still not doing unprotected anything with Guitarist because he's still not getting tested. He's also pretty depressed lately and having trouble just holding down life, so I'm not holding it against him anymore.
And I do mean anymore: It's pretty clear in hindsight that, for a while, I resented that I "lost" the ability to have unprotected sex with him, even though I had agreed he could do unprotected with Spice. I had thought that he would just get tested and it wouldn't really change anything between us (I don't know why I thought that, lol, he's not very responsible). But he didn't, so then Spice was getting unprotected stuff with him. And I was not.
It was intensely an couples privilegey thing and I don't think I wanted to acknowledge to myself how deep that jealousy/resentment went. It felt like he was choosing Spice over me, in a way. That was back before I realized how bad he's been feeling, though. I'm pretty familiar with depression and it was unfair of me to ascribe a motivation to his inaction like that. Also, I'm just a change-averse person in general and it always takes me time to adjust. I'm feeling pretty adjusted, now.
Besides, what risks Spice chooses to take are her own business. This is really about me and the risks I'm willing to take and not take. Resentment resolved. So I'm over that now, and I feel pretty silly for having felt that way in the first place. Realizing what was up with me definitely led to the present re-examination, though.
During the unprotected oral conversation, Guitarist asked, or implied, or said, my memory isn't exactly clear, whether my decision had anything to do with things heating up with my relationship with Raven. And of course it did in part, because I've been thinking about that a lot lately as well as my him-thing. But even with the unprotected oral being okay if everyone is testing thing, I'm not sure I'd be willing to go unprotected with Raven, anyway.
She does test regularly, but I don't trust her other partners. I don't even know all her other partners.
I mean, she has Ravenhub and another guy, I'm going to call him Panda. And I know both of them and they seem like upright folks. But she's also had more casual encounters, and I'm not even sure I know all of them, because I said that since WE aren't having sex, who SHE has sex with isn't my business. And because WE aren't having sex, it didn't seem that important. I'm attracted to Raven, I enjoy making out with Raven, and I'd like having sex with Raven, but at this point it might require changing our relationship dynamic if we were talking anything riskier than assistance with toys, and I'm not really sure I want to do that. I'm not even sure she'd be okay with that.
So I don't know. That's all the relationship stuff I have for now. I'm hoping to get some time alone tonight to talk with Raven frankly about the sex thing, but since date night is at my house and Guitarist will be home, I don't know if it will happen.