Time Management

StrayKitten

New member
I'm not sure how to balance my two relationships time-wise. See, I have my primary (D) who had kids, two weeks at a time, so I barely get to see him during that time. But I've adjusted to making up for that during the two weeks he doesn't have them, which has been perfect for me and how my attention works.

Now though, I've added my girlfriend (H) to the picture, and don't really know how to strike a balance between seeing both of them enough. It also doesn't help that I feel awkward if I see her 2-3 times in a row without seeing D. I'm still figuring out if I'm poly, but I know that I can't, currently, walk away from either without serious regrets and resentment and that I badly *want* to find a way to make time work in my favor.

The best thing I've come up with is setting aside days for both of them each week, so that I have set days I can spend with each of them...

How do others work time for all of their partners?
 
For clarification - do you not live with the person you refer to as your "primary"?

Different people have different definitions of the term, and it would be wise to make sure that we understand which version you understand.

For me, a primary by definition, is someone that I live with. A secondary is someone who I don't live with.
 
I do not live with either partner. I have been dating D for (roughly) 6 months, and H for roughly 1 month.

**edit**
I don't live with anyone, no housemates, no kids, just me ;)
 
Last edited:
I'd probably schedule some set days to see them - so that they had at least one day minimum a week to see me _if that is what they wanted to do_ too. If I was dating two people who didn't live with me but wanted to see me lots, I'd probably set two aside for each a week, then if one was busy that week, I'd see friends or do laundry or see my other partner (but that's just what would work for me).

That would also help if they start dating other people, to know that they always schedule around those date nights with you, so there's not a lot of confusion about schedules or you end up not getting to see them sometimes because you only had Friday free and they made other plans that night because they didn't know.

Really there are benefits to many different types of scheduling, it really depends on the personalities of those involved and how you can compromise to try to get everyone's needs met. Some people WILL not like making or sticking to a schedule, some people can't do without, so I'd talk to both my partners before thinking about it too much.
 
I would say talk to them both (together if possible) about what time they want/need and how to schedule things in the best way possible. You say that you sometimes feel bad about how things work currently, but do you know for sure that your primary partner is bothered by it? Talk to him! Then everyone can be on the same page about what you all want & what is expected.

We have a schedule - slightly different situation as I live with my primary partner (my husband), but we have two days a week where we are scheduled to see our other partners (my boyfriend & his girlfriend). Some of these days are as separate couples, some are together socially as a four. Some of them are overnights, some not. It's all planned on the schedule.

The important caveat for us is that this is a minimum, a commitment to when we will always make time for them (barring exceptional circumstances, obviously). We actually often do things over and above that minimum, depending on work rotas or planned activities etc. :)
 
I agree, talk to them and if you can schedule days with each so that they know when they can see you and not make plans for other things.

I personally need a schedule. I live for schedules. Whether it's for our daughter or my own personal one. I'm not the type of person who likes things sprung on them. I hope you are able to find a balance.
 
Guh. Calendars.

I'm Closed right now. But just scheduling all the other things in my life?

DH and I have a powwow by the semester. We function on the academic calendar for the most part. Treat it in chunks like fall term, spring term, summer, repeat.

  • We spread out the weird FIXED things that need to be, and pin them on first. Family events, gatherings, holidays, special things (ex: concerts) that we want to hit. These cannot be on other days, they are the day they are. (ex: Christmas pageant is dec 24 without fail)
  • Then the known REPEATERS (ex: church on sundays).
  • Then slam in FLEX couple time for us. (A must like once a month, but can jiggle about inside the month. Not like a fixed date thing. ALONE. Without the kid. We get plenty family dates on the fly. Don't bother to sched that.)
  • Then slam in FLEX "me" time for each. (a must once a week, but can jiggle)
  • Then slam in the kid things. (Limited to ONE activity per term, we can't be doing the crazy taxi thing for kiddie activities. Everyone gets only ONE activity a month, though parents sometimes skip their opportunity for classes and whatnot in favor of ALONENESS.)
  • Then REST days where nothing is happening. We must plan this and protect it like the holiest of holy's! We usually tell people we "have a family thing already on that day." We don't tell them it is family resting. People underrate the need for rest and overschedule themselves.

Anything else on the fly.

So really just talk to your partners and get a standing date for each so there's a pattern. If someone gets sick or something, that is fine. But at least then you know what's expected and coming WHEN.

Don't feel guilty if you see H more than D. That is just THIS term's pattern. Who knows what next term's needs will bring? Be willing to be flexible, and be willing to be ok changing it up again next term to reflect those needs THEN.

HTH!
GG
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl,
That sounds like an awesome way to manage everything.
 
Oh, wow, that takes SO MUCH SCHEDULING! I'm impressed you make it work! :)

I'm starting to think that I need to work something out with D first, simply because he's the less flexible of the two, and then work in H time around that. And make sure there's the understanding that weeks when D has his kids I can have more H time... **sigh** I don't like things being complicated ;)

(yes, not the lifestyle to avoid complications, I know... lol)

Thanks for all your advice!
 
We struggle. Part of the reason of why CLOSED in childhood with the kid. Takes up a lot of time/effort.

If you need to schedule D first, then H, that is how it is. Get it on there, fill in the rest, and be ok rolling with it like an experiment til spring term.

Because with all the holiday hoo ha of fall term, it always has a different vibe than spring or summer.

Some life patterns happen on the seasonal or yearly cycle. Not monthly, weekly, or daily and it takes some passes thru to learn that.


GG
 
I'm very okay with rearranging as needed, but H and I have hit the point of serious where I don't feel okay going two weeks only seeing her once or twice, when it kind of fits in with my schedule with D.

They're meeting Sunday, so I'm going to wait until they've met and know how they feel about the other to make too much of a fuss over it, but I greatly appreciate the input/advice!
 
How I do it is very loose. I am solo also (not living with either of my lovers). I have my own schedule (work, school, etc.), and then it's first come, first served for the guys I'm seeing. Neither one of them tends to plan too far in advance, and neither do I unless it's something special happening, like if we need to buy tickets for it. But whoever makes plans with me first gets the date that works for us both, and then if the other wants to see me that day, I just tell him I'm not available and we schedule it for another day.

I wouldn't be able to stand it if my life was scheduled to the nth degree, but since you know that your primary has a 2-week cycle, there is some built-in predictability which does help. Do you have at least one day a week you can see him when he has his kids? Is it something that always changes or is there a pretty regular day he can meet you?

So, if I were you, I would probably designate certain days/nights for him and days/nights for her that would stand no matter what the cycle is (he has his kids or not), and then every two weeks you can let them know you are available more often for extra days with one or the other lover, but those are more loose and spontaneous. Does that make sense? It does to me, LOL. Let me know if I should explain it better.
 
@Nycindie, that's what I've been thinking about doing, though as of last week, might not be so easy. I spent one night with my girl during a period when D has his kids, and got rather clingy and pouty with me, and after some discussion it's sounding like he's open to me sleeping with women, but not so much me dating women.

And, after some of the things I have been thinking and feeling? I don't know that I feel comfortable dating two people myself. Neither of us have really reached any conclusions yet, but that's kind of where we stand. It's so very complicated... :-/
 
I spent one night with my girl during a period when D has his kids, and got rather clingy and pouty with me, and after some discussion it's sounding like he's open to me sleeping with women, but not so much me dating women.

What the hell is the difference? You mean he's okay if people use your body but he feels he owns your heart? That's just bullshit and not his call to make. You are the one who is in charge of your body and heart, and it's up to him to deal with his own feelings about it. But to expect you to hold back on finding happiness and satisfaction wherever you may, just because he's uncomfortable or afraid... is tyranny.
 
Not that complicated. What kind of open relationship model are you seeking?

Which is it? For YOU? (Never mind him for a moment.)

Just take the first baby step of sorting yourself out to YOURSELF. What do YOU hope/seek at THIS time and at THIS place?

Because when I was younger I thought I wanted to fly like a poly solo.

Then I ended up closing down to a "V" shape dating two BFs.

Then I broke up with one and then I married one of 'em.

Now as a married, I've been Closed a long time. Only just now thinking with DH about Opening and what the next shape might be.

We humans are hardly static in Life Journey! :)

GG
 
Last edited:
@Nycindie: That was *extremely* offensive. I feel I rather clearly stated that I am unsure how I feel about dating two people, and he is in a similar place. To have you state that it's either "bullshit" or "tyranny" is rude and hurtful. Please don't make sure sweeping statements until asking further questions about the circumstances. I was the one who brought up being uncomfortable in the first place, ***not*** him.

@GG, working that part out. More conversations must happen ;)
 
StrayKitten, perhaps I totally misunderstood the post of yours to which I was responding. I didn't reread the thread before Iposted, I just was responding with my reaction to that last post. However, what I wrote was simply my opinion and you don't need to choose to feel offended by it. I didn't mean to offend you at all - I was sticking up for you, in my mind.

I thought you were saying that you have a second relationship that you were excited about but your primary is only okay with it as long as it's sexual and not emotional at all. To me, that is indeed bullshit and tyranny to tell a partner they can only share their body but cannot be involved any more than that. Because it is up to each of us how much we want to get involved with someone - a partner doesn't have the right to dictate ownership of any part of us (unless there's some kind of BDSM agreement for that). To me, a partner thinking they can tell someone sex is okay but emotions are not is just like saying, "I don't mind you being used as someone's sex toy, but I don't want you having any feelings for anyone else or being treated lovingly by anyone but me." That seems like tyranny to me, but maybe you meant something else. Sorry if I got that wrong. But it's only my opinion and, like assholes, everybody's got one. I'm just an anonymous stranger on the internet, and you are living your life -- so take it or leave it, but there's no need to feel offended or call me rude.
 
Last edited:
Funny how no one should call you rude or offensive, nycindie, cause you're "just some stranger on the internet", but you seem to feel awfully justified in being prickly and defensive back to "just strangers on the internet".

after some discussion it's sounding like he's open to me sleeping with women, but not so much me dating women.
Sounds like he might be more comfortable with swinging or an open relationship. Adding strong emotions does, unfortunately, take what starts as a fun situation and make it sticky. Sometimes that sticky is good, even great, but it's still...sticky. And when it's a relationship, there's additional time involved as well as other complications. MC and I were "open-ish" for years before I wound up in a V with TGIB, so I'm well aware of the difference between just being physical with someone versus trying to actually date them.

What the hell is the difference? You mean he's okay if people use your body but he feels he owns your heart? That's just bullshit and not his call to make. You are the one who is in charge of your body and heart, and it's up to him to deal with his own feelings about it. But to expect you to hold back on finding happiness and satisfaction wherever you may, just because he's uncomfortable or afraid... is tyranny.
Oh lighten the hell up. She never said he told her she COULDN'T date other women, from what was posted he's not even close to the point of trying to "make a call" or hold her back. They're DISCUSSING it. You know, that thing people do to figure out everyone's feelings and if there's a good middle ground? Someone overreacting a bit, perhaps, due to the presence of certain emotions in her own relationship?
 
Last edited:
No one has the right to tell someone else what they can or can't do. I don't think any of us here are arguing that.

StrayKitten, it's up to you to figure out how you feel about this. You know how your man feels about it. Now you need to figure out if it's something you truly want. If it's not, then go another route. Swinging, open relationship, emotionless sex basically... or monogamy... or a thousand of the other things that are out there. But if you decide you want full-on polyamory with the emotions and the whole package, you need to make sure that he is okay with that. Just as it's your right to make a decision one way or another, it's his right to choose whether or not to live with that choice. You may lose him. That's okay. You may not. That's okay too.

Just, don't bend to his will in spite of yours. That's what nycindie was getting at. As abrasive as it may have seemed, it's still true.

Sounds to me like you may not be polyamorous, so this is a non-issue.
 
Funny how no one should call you rude or offensive, nycindie, cause you're "just some stranger on the internet", but you seem to feel awfully justified in being prickly and defensive back to "just strangers on the internet".
I didn't say "no one should." I said the OP didn't need to, and I simply explained the reasoning behind my other post and apologized if I had misunderstood. I would hardly call further explanation and an apology "prickly and defensive;" nor would I say I felt "justified" to say anything. I might not have visited that thread for another week or more, so it's not like I was incredibly motivated to respond again. I have no reason to be defensive. I was simply surprised, when I did see it, that the OP found what I wrote "offensive and rude," so I wondered if I'd misunderstood the issue. In that light, I felt an explanation was perhaps in order, and I apologized. But since you have a problem with pretty much anything I post anyway, your opinion about me doesn't add up to much.


Oh lighten the hell up. She never said he told her she COULDN'T date other women, from what was posted he's not even close to the point of trying to "make a call" or hold her back. They're DISCUSSING it.
Oh you lighten up. No need for such bitchiness. The OP stated in her first post that she has a girlfriend and a primary. She's trying to manage a schedule for both of them and then comes back and says that her primary got "clingy and pouty" and that he seems to only approve of them sleeping together but not dating, so "it might not be so easy" for her to work out a schedule. It doesn't really matter where they are in discussing it, I offered my opinion, which is what she came to the internet for, and has the choice of discarding or not, as she sees fit. If I was wrong in my assessment of the situation, I explained where I was coming from and apologized for the misunderstanding. My explanation and apology didn't really warrant any further debate from anyone, but you go ahead and grind it into the ground if that floats your boat.

Someone overreacting a bit, perhaps, due to the presence of certain emotions in her own relationship?
Huh? That doesn't even make any sense to me. I don't have a primary telling me whom I can or cannot date. And I have enough experience to know when to separate shit from my own life when looking at someone else's shit. Your attempt to hurt me with that last remark has failed.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top