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Old 11-13-2012, 07:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,311

Alright, you sound like you are processing to me. I'm going to take the liberty of glomming stuff together into "categories" just to see what it looks like and in case that could help you in your "thinking it all out" process. (My intent is to try to help, so apologies if my stabs in the dark are missing the mark.)

I'm wanting that long term committed romanticness with them and they've stated that they aren't sure that's what they want with me.
I do not know what "long term committed romanticness" means.

You wrote and I perceive:

They were still telling me that they want me in their life forever.
They still love me and are in love with me.
They don't want me to close off from them.
So your polyship sounds committed to you and concerned for your well being. At least in words. What are their actions?

I think a part of me wants to know why they are all pushing to still be able to be affectionate/loving towards me when they know how I feel and how much it hurts that they don't have those feelings back. I don't know if they don't realize how much this dampens my healing or if they don't care because they don't want me to disappear on them.
This is strange sounding to me. I perceive it this way. Green is mine:
My polypeeps love me. I want to know why they are pushing to be affectionate/loving toward me. (Cuz they love you and worry about you right now? The talk seems to match the walk here. )

They know I feel consummate love for them, and show me appreciation of that by ____loving and affectionate behavior?__ (This is bad?)

It hurts me that they do not declare feelings of consummate love for me (yet?) because I want them to feel the same thing I feel at the same time? (Your expectation.)

I do not know if they do not realize this expectation of mine dampens my healing. (Do they realize it? Have you asked them? Do YOU realize it is your own expectation causing you pain and not them? )

My polypeeps don't want me to disappear on them because ____(they love you?)
If loving gestures like hugs and kisses are not what you want for "romanticness" -- could clarify that "romanticness" part. You want to be courted? Wooed? What behaviors demonstrate "romanticness" to you that you want them to do more of?

As for the expectation -- it is your expectation. You could choose to change it. You could choose to expect your polypeeps to grow into their feelings at their own pace instead of at your pace.

If they are in love with you, why not just nurture your relationships and let Time develop it to wherever it will go to next?

  • You feel "consummate love" in Love Theory Language for your partners.
  • You feel (unhappy?) that the love they offer you is not the same you offer them.
  • They feel other things -- in Love Theory language that is called what?

Could identifying it in that vocab possibly hint to what area could be developed/nurtured then? If they want to develop it toward consummate love direction with you then you could try to see what component needs beefing up. More mind intimacy and sharing of thoughts? More emotional intimacy and sharing of feelings? More body intimacy and sharing of loving touch?

"I had a couple of long talks yesterday with both Lamian and Primal. Still completely up in the air as to where to go now."
WHAT is in the air? You know they love you and what to be with you. What are you wanting to know that is unknown? Can it even be known at this time or just one of those things that have to reveal in the fullness of time?

"I need to pull completely away from them all and deal with the pain of not having them in my life "
"I need try to muddle through this pain about the differences in the love/expectations of the relationships."
Why does conflict resolution time automatically run to pain for you? Is this polyship not skilled at conflict resolution?

Remember what is felt "at this time" is not "forever." Things can change over time. Someone with lots of free time can develop a relationship faster than someone who is working full time and attending college full time! "Time" is a limit we all have to deal with.

  • You want an Open polyship and want them (and you) to have access to other partners. (You have this already in your polyship. This area does not sound like a problem.)
  • What is the health of all the polymath tiers?

Are all "mini relationships" inside the larger polyship healthy or do some need some TLC or some work?


Before you can change and let go of expectations, you have to ID them. What are your expectations of your partners? (Worry about "reasonable" and "realistic" testing after basic listing them.) So far...
  • You want your partners to feel consummate love for you right now because you feel that way right now and want them to feel it back.

You agree one cannot control feelings but can control behavior. Yet you sound like you expect your partners to be able to control their feelings and when they are felt or not. That does not compute.

What behaviors are you asking from partners to show you loving/kindness/romanticness? This is not mentioned, but this is something that they partners COULD be asked to do and execute.

Are there expectations they have of YOU that need to be listed here?

[LIST][*]You decided to stop feeling consummate love by pulling away from partners and stop participating in relationships to allow feelings to die off.
[LIST][*]You don't really seem to want that. [list][*]Partners sound upset by this treatment of them.
  • Woodsmith calls it "childish" to close self off, but tries to organize a poly family meeting.
  • The others are increasing affectionate gestures to show you ARE indeed wanted.

So they sound willing to try. Are you?
  • But now you are not willing to receive affection from them and allow yourself to enjoy the affection. [/INDENT]

That sounds contrary. What's that all about? You want love from them, but then don't want loving behavior from them?


sometimes things that they say/do hurt.
Like what? Is it intentional? What do you do when you get hurt? Do you call them into account? How?

With that whole love theory thing I think what I'm needing is the space to pull out of the consummate love. I have always tried not to fall for people but when I do it's always been hard and fast.
Could you feel better if you asked if "consummate love" was a possibility? Just on the table -- even if not arrived at yet? Would that be comforting for you to hear? Could you ask if it is possible at some point for it the become a shared goal to work toward?

That is something you could ask for. Not for them to just feel it right this minute because that is not reasonable to ask. But for them to assess themselves and see if it is in the realm of possibility. Then...

What do you need in terms of loving behaviors from your other partners? Because while you cannot control their behavior, that IS something askable.
  • "Could you please do ____ for me."
  • "Could you please do not do ____ for me."

Thoughts like "what am I doing that makes them not want to be with me"
  • Could you be rushing them in their feelings? And turning them off?
  • Could it be withdrawing from them? Then they perceive it as rejection?
  • Could that worry/fear be speaking to Primal breaking his dates with you in favor of hanging with Peaseblossom?
  • Something else not yet identified?

Maybe this is about learning emotional articulation/management for you? Better communication/conflict resolution? Or learning boundaries/limits? Rather than "learning to love people less." Could that be it?


I know all that is stabs in the dark. I'm just trying to help you clarify/articulate to yourself. Because you can't articulate to your poly peeps if you cannot explain it to yourself first.

Don't be discouraged. Keep trying to work it out. You can do it!


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-14-2012 at 01:44 AM.
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