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Old 06-26-2020, 10:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 7,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaisyF92 View Post
Yes, I suppose I do believe in 1, 2, and 3.

My worry is that since Iíve been with partner A for so long and they are my fiancť, they will want to close the relationship if they see too much of an imbalance, or if they start becoming depressed.

A has asked once if they could come along on a trip and I said we couldnít afford it, but I would ask B if theyíd be willing to splurge. Unfortunately, B got a little annoyed and said they couldnít afford to take another adult to Europe.
!!! OK, this is a bit shocking to me. You live in the US and felt pressured to ask one partner to take the other partner to Europe??

And you say, "unfortunately" B said no. Gosh. That took balls, even to ask. I could imagine it made B feel like they are expected to be a sugar daddy to someone who isn't even their own partner.

Quote:
... but a smaller trip in the future would be OK.
That is generous. $65K a year isn't really all that much money, especially if you're paying off student loans, or saving something in an IRA or something! Or maybe putting something aside for a future child's education. Whatever. No adult needs to spend a thousand or much more on their partner's partner (or whatever tickets, hotels and food would cost abroad)!

Quote:
B already contributes lots of money to the household in the form of groceries, and they give A pretty expensive b'day and Christmas gifts. I feel like A wants me to push harder to get and to invite them along, but I just canít stomach it.
A sounds like a leech. I have a really strong aversion to this kind of entitlement. A is lucky to get expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmases. My meta doesn't buy me gifts at all.

You say A doesn't know the meaning of hard work. Are you getting fed up with their low income and lack of ambition, not to mention this idea his meta should take him along on expensive trips...? It's not like B is making $250K a year!

Quote:
I guess not everything has to be equal, but partner A has started to feel bad when Iím in trips. They canít sleep, cry sometimes, and feel bad in general.
I'd say, let A feel bad. If they break up with YOU, or start to fuss about going mono, just because you get to go on trips, that shows their character. Ideally it might motivate them to work harder and start earning more so they CAN go on fancier vacations. Asking B to gift A would be counterproductive!

Quote:
This isnít something I want to happen, because I do value both relationships the same. If I could afford to bring A along, I would offer on occasion, but I just canít.

And Vinsanity, no, I am not comparing the relationships. I want them both to be happy. It just seems that what makes B happy (travel with me) ends up making A unhappy and feel bad about themselves. The trips are important to me because since A and I live together, the only real alone time I get with B is when we do week or two long trips abroad. I think alone time is important for growth and connection... and while A has had me all to themselves for 4 years, B had never had that opportunity, so I try and make up for it how i can.

Just tired of feeling guilty... I guess I shouldnít though.
Feeling guilty because your partner is whiny about not being able to afford trips, while they don't do anything to earn more money, is a problem. Maybe A is using YOU. Maybe you are letting A use you. Look inside yourself. Why are you enabling this behavior?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 65)
Pixi (poly, F, 43) my partner since January 2009, cohabiting
"Maestro" (mono, M, 39), Pixi's bf since April 2013, co-primary
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