Paradigm Shift to Polyamory

In my experience, it spruces up the sex life tremendously! I hope your wife isn't in a refusing mood for the next while! It sounds like you are already accustomed to talking about people that you are attracted to.

I find that sometime there is little need to even sleep with others and, in fact, it sometimes takes away that feeling of anticipation and horniness. Prolonging that for a good long time can make the experience of being close to your wife that much sweeter and more intense. Not to mention when you sleep with the prospective secondary!

Building outside relationships can be so fulfilling to a marriage in that respect. I don't know why as a society we condone it so much.
 
Last night was great. We had Jim over for some pizza and some visiting time about all three of us.

The evening could not have gone any better. Not only did I feel great after our talk, but I really believe both of them felt relieved that this was not going to be awkward, because we are all three like-minded adults. We drank some wine, sat on our deck and enjoyed one of the last great NW evenings. After that, Jim and I went to play poker and then go to a costume party together. I got my costume partying out of my system and Alice can go out tonight and do the same. Great times.

As for my date-ish thing tonight, I think all will be well.
 
RP, I think you meant "condemn," not "condone." :p

Manno, a very interesting read and a very interesting situation. I think you two are on target for one awesome lifelong relationship. The level of communication and honesty and understanding you are both exhibiting is one to which we all aspire (or should, anyway)!
 
Just a quick reply before the 'date' begins

In my experience, it spruces up the sex life tremendously!

Yes, it definitely has, and I'm quite thankful for that. My wife hasn't seemed this sexy in years.
 
A newly-awakened poly person finds success on his first date

Yesterday was Halloween, which has always been a day of new beginnings for me. Though I don't practice, Samhain/Halloween has an inexplicable spiritual significance to me. This year's was another.

This year was Alice's turn to go out for Halloween, and once I realized I could not go out with her because of childcare, I put a plan in motion to invite over to my house a woman to whom I've been attracted for about six months.

I haven't spent any time with her because, honestly, I did not feel up to getting close to yet another woman to whom I'm attracted, yet couldn't express that attraction. I didn't want to deal with the sexual tension and frustration.

I was a bit nervous all Halloween day as I made plans for her visit, bought a great bottle of wine for the evening, then took my child out trick-or-treating, and finally went to a Halloween costume party with Alice, Jim, and our daughter at some of our closest friends.' When my girl got a bit tired, Alice and Jim took us home. I put her in bed and, as I turned out her light, my doorbell rang.

The visit began better than I could have ever hoped. We both had a bottle of our favorite wine for the other to taste, and she suggested we played a game of sense to determine which wine was which, as they were both similar in taste. So we labeled two glasses apiece corresponding to each bottle with matching stickers on the bottoms of the glasses. After the first glass of each, we tried to figure out which wine was which. They were both amazingly rich red wines, yet we knew our wines when we tasted them.

And while it was one of the most sensual moments I've spent on a _first_ date, I felt that I, at that moment, needed to let her know that I was attracted to her and that I was, in fact, considering this a date. I first told her how I was attracted to her and then she responded with a barrage of responses and questions to which I simply responded truthfully and sincerely. They ranged first with a revealing of mutual attraction. I learned she dated men younger than me, yet an intellectual connection was something she was lacking from those relationships. She of course wanted to know how Alice felt and if she knew this date was taking place. I saw relief on her face when I told her that not only did Alice know, but suggested I set this up. She asked where she was at that moment, and I told her that she was out with her new boyfriend.

At first she seemed a bit reserved, and revealed that she had tried an open marriage and that it failed. But as we talked, we inspected how it fell apart and she told me that they simply went off in different directions without each other and never made it back.

We talked about my philosophy that I've seemed to have always had. She agreed as I explained about how jealousy and the other dark emotions humans have in relationships can be destroyed by honesty and open communication. I explained that I still loved my wife and knew that would never change and that I'd be with her until the end.

She told me that she would want to talk to Alice and I told her that would indeed be a must. But she also asked me the most intimidating question:

"What will a single woman such as me get out of dating a married man like you?"

This was a question I'd almost been dreading. I knew it was coming. I had never had an answer, but one arrived instantly. I told her that I am offering an emotional and intellectual bond, along whatever manifests physically, and that I could not ask of her anything that I did not want asked of me. I also told her that, no matter what happened, I still wanted her to become a closer friend.

She agreed that our mutual attraction was quite nice to express and told me that she was both curious and excited about what could happen out of this experience, now that we laid down exactly where they could possibly unfold. She also told me that she was seeing someone else, though they were not an exclusive couple. She wanted to know what I thought would happen if we started something, yet she and he bonded into something exclusive. I told her that, no matter what happened, she would be free to do what she wanted, but on the condition that were open about what was happening. I reiterated that I did not believe in secrecy and deception with those close to me.

We continued to talk for a while, getting closer on the couch, and spent the rest of the night enjoying one another's company, yet not crossing any boundaries she and I both felt uncomfortable with before she talked with Alice. We made plans to see each other this Tuesday. It was a great night.

This morning I awoke to Alice wanting to talk to me. We both shared our evenings with one another. I'm so happy that she is enjoying herself and happy I'm doing the same.

As we got up to make something for brunch, I was about to text Sally to tell her that I'd had a wonderful evening, when she texted me before I hit send. I read it to find she really needed to talk to me. I quickly called instead of finishing my text and the first thing she asked was whether I was going to tell Alice about what happened last night. I told her we'd already talked about it and that Alice agreed to give her a call sometime today to talk to her.

Sally had a bit of a panic because one of her girlfriends knew we were together last night, but not the circumstances of the "date." Alice and I both alleviated that by talking to Sally today.

I spent most of my day working. When I was returning home, I called Sally to see how the rest of her day went and to tell her that I was very excited about Tuesday. She told me she enjoyed the open communication I had with her all day.

I got home, spent time with my two ladies at home and finally got to procrastinating more work at the computer. Now that I've typed this, I'm going to go back to it.

I do have a strong concern: I find myself really wanting to make sure Sally is okay with all of this, as I know I dropped a lot into her lap by inviting her over. I don't want to sound needy, but I really just want to know that she's okay and not weirded out.
 
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Quick update, considering outing to friends and some rambling.

I'm about to go on my third outing with Sally. Things are going well.

Last night I went over to her place and enjoyed her hot tub (win!) and while I wasn't sure what was going to happen on that visit, everything happened the way we wanted it to go.

Our first date was really awesome. However, it did get a little physical fast, and while that was a thrill, it was also a bit overwhelming for both of us. Very enjoyable, but just a little too quick. Honestly, when I was single, I would initiate a sexual relationship a bit quickly. But that is not what I am looking for here.

I'm actually looking for something Alice has, a true friend to whom she was attracted, yet they become great friends before anything really developed. Someone who understands me and enjoys my company. I don't want to be misconstrued by anyone as exhibiting really swinger-like behavior, especially the people around me.

Sally is not really poly. Though she's experienced in some open-type marriages, I don't think she gets exactly what Alice and I are doing, because her past experiences cloud how well we work. I'm hoping that being around Alice in the future will show her that we're totally different than her experiences.

One thing she talked about last night was the possibility of Alice falling so hard for someone that she would want to leave me. That simply is not a viable possibility in our dynamic. This is hard for her to understand, and I really would like her to understand things a bit more.

On another note: we're also facing a bit of a dilemma. As I mentioned, we have a group of friends that are really tight with me, but I'm uncertain how we should approach them with this news. Of course, we're thinking about telling them. Anyone have any comments on how I should go about this?
 
Thank you for sharing.

I'm new to this all as well, so hearing the stories of others is really comforting to me, and makes things so much easier.

Thank you again. :)

R
 
"As in, sometimes one sexual encounter in several months time, and an entire year after her pregnancy. During that time, I would make advances and be shot down over and over, only to have her tell me that if I really wanted to go and find someone to have sex with, I could, but I should know that I would never have sex with her again."

Wow. I would have filed for divorce at that point. Sorry, Homey don't play them games.

And then she comes home and announces she fucked her friend when that sort of thing was an agreed-upon no-no?

I'm going to suggest finding a poly-friendly counselor. I see lots of issues that need to be addressed.

Keep your stick on the ice, man.
 
Seven, thanks for the concern

But life's never that cut and dried. While I was sexless, I was happy in many ways, just frustrated. You are implying that there is tons of bitterness left in all of that. There isn't. We were just applying the wrong rules to the game.

As for why we were so hesitant to drop monogamy from our lives earlier, we'd just moved from a region of the country where this would not have gone over well. Now that we're up here, the social constructs that messed up our upbringings are pleasantly being shed.
 
Update

I haven't written about this today, but my budding romance has been stifled.

I played pool with Sally last night and was really enjoying the way things were going. Then we decided to sit down and talk for a little while before we both went back to our homes.

I could go on and on about it, but in the end, it comes down to this: Sally started to question any long-term implications of our relationship and what it could and could not (mostly could not) offer. While Sally is older than me (I don't honestly know how much older, I'm 32) she has just run her course with several different friends-with-benefits relationships and she's finding herself wondering if she's going to wind up alone. Furthermore, she told me her attraction to me was different than these flings, as I was interested in some of the same things.

And while I'm not sure what the future would bring, and I'm fairly certain that I could eventually cohabitate with several people, I don't know that enough to even consider trying to elaborate that information to someone else.

In the end, though she's explored open marriages and whatnot before me, and never saw them working for her, she's looking for a serious relationship that could turn into a monogamous marriage. I have a feeling I might be a little of what she is looking for. And why that feels great, it isn't optimal.

While I do not begrudge her for this at all, I hate that this didn't work.

I started then to really consider why I decided to pursue this in the first place. Sally was very attractive, and I already felt some sort of pull toward her in my subconscious. But again, I didn't act on this b/c of sexual frustration out of this. However, this was not only apparent in myself, but also this attraction was evident in Alice as well, as she suggested it. I found myself intellectually stimulated by her and she told me that the feeling was mutual.

What is cool about what went down: our initial acquaintance has not been ruined, and I've opened up to her faster than I rarely do with anyone (mostly because I felt like I had a lot I was placing on the line), and now I really feel like I have someone I can hang out with a bit.

What sucks about this is that I'm not getting something that I realize I really wanted with her, a boundless romantic relationship, and I could wind up just as frustrated (but not because of my own hesitations) because I still find her very attractive.
 
I think we must be related.

I'm in such a similar situation that I feel like I could have written your post. Here was my initial (and only) post I made to this site. Mine was much shorter, but had I continued you could have copied and pasted from me:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=710

Here are the similarities: For 15 years, my wife was uninterested in sex with me. Most of her problems were because of some personal background issues. Over those years I had other possibilities (with different partners), but I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel inadequate, so I dealt with it. I just figured I was married to a fantastic woman who didn't like sex much. We also went for a year after one of the kids.

In the past year, my wife has been developing a friendship with a mutual acquaintance of ours. I discovered it by accident, which was initially disturbing, but through a lot of discussions, it has led us to this point.

Through a mutual agreement, and my prompting, she has met with and proposed her physical desires to her new friend. He's interested, but on the fence at the moment. He told me that he's a little unsure about all this and wants to think about it. I think he told her the same thing.

But, here's the thing. I also find myself in a strange place. We've moved, and I work from home and no longer have that social network. I don't have any male or female friends at all and I definitely don't have any prospective girlfriends/lovers. (Although gay men seem to be attracted to me, so maybe I should switch gears. Ha, unfortunately, my wiring doesn't seem to work that way.)

Anyway, I've done some crazy stuff out of desperation. I joined Ashley Madison. Hated it. I answered ads from Craigslist. Had a very nice lunch with a 25-yr old student, but no chemistry.

I'm at a loss. I don't want to be on a hunt for another partner. I really love my wife and I truly understand her new sexual/emotional awareness. But, through all of this I just feel lonely, kinda sad for myself, and lost.

Too bad we aren't neighbors. I'd love to hang out with you and have a beer or something.

I wish you luck as your future unfolds. I know I'll keep checking the posts to see what happens. I don't really have much else to do, anyway.
 
Wow, very similar

I have to admit though, mine was not a stumble-by-accident kind of thing.

As for the whole social work network... Yikes. While you work at home, I'm a high school teacher. I sometimes ponder the okayness of surfing this forum on my own laptop while on their system.

Yes, I'd love to share a pitcher of a good IPA and discuss how things went down!
 
Wow. I have so much to say. Questions, more than anything. What's with the cheating? Why are you two not having sex? What is it with her desire to fuck other people and not you? What is it that makes you stay? Why is she allowed the possibility of a poly relationship and you are left with cheating?

I would love to hear more about Ashley Madison on the "selling cheating" thread, if you are up for it.

I don't get this whole thing. What is it about women who don't want sex with their husbands, but do with other men?! Personally, I would be furious (I think I am furious for you, at this point) if I were you and would probably leave.

Please explain how this works for you and her. What are you staying together for? I can see staying together for kids, but in this day and age it's possible to stay together in a house and not be together anymore. That is what my tertiary does with his ex-wife. It works fine for them.
 
I have to admit though, mine was not a stumble by accident kind of thing.

As for the whole social work network... Yikes. While you work at home, I'm a high school teacher. I sometimes ponder the okayness with surfing this forum on my own laptop while on their system.

Yes, I'd love to share a pitcher of a good IPA and discuss how things went down!

Oh, can I come? I love IPA! I will sit oh so quietly and just be a fly on the wall. (Haha! Probably wouldn't, but am oh so interested in this!)
 
small clarification

Well, the stumble-by-accident part was bad, but now that I look at it, for the best. Here's the deal. My wife's past included a lot of sexual repression that led to awkward relationships with previous men. This all transferred into our relationship, but I saw more in her and told myself that it was her I was in love with, not the sex.

Unfortunately, over time, this led to a lot of marital instability that caused fights and bad feelings and eventually a loss of interest in each other, from a physical standpoint. Fortunately, we got along very well outside the bedroom.

Now she tells me that about 2 years ago she "grew" into her sexual self and started enjoying it, by herself. By this point things between the 2 of us had become mechanical and there was too much bad history. So, after finding out about her new friend, we started communicating again.

I've lost 30+ lbs, look good and feel great. She finally talks to me and we are having the best sex ever. We find our new-found communication a huge boost to having the best marriage we know of. It's our "honesty clause" that does it. No more secrets, and it's working.

Next time you're in Indiana, we'll have you over.
 
The kids I can see staying together for, but in this day and age its possible to stay together in a house and not be together anymore. This is what my tersiary does with his ex wife. It works fine for them.

I know a family like this. They never got married legally, but they were together and had a son and when their son was like 5, the "wife" decided that she wanted to break up but still live together and raise the kid together, and the kid is 14 now and they still live together and are friends but have separate bedrooms and love-lives (they are not "poly").
 
While I do not begrudge her for this at all, I hate that this didn't work.
...

What is cool about what went down: Our initial acquaintance has not been ruined, and I've opened up to her faster than I rarely do with anyone (mostly because I felt like I had a lot I was placing on the line), and now I really feel like I have someone I can hang out with a bit.

What sucks about this: I'm not getting something that I realize I really want with her, which is a boundless romantic relationship. I could wind up just as frustrated (but not because of my own hesitations) because I still find her very attractive.

Well, sometimes love is bittersweet. The only way to find out if something is going to work is to commit to finding out. And that's also what makes it painful when things don't work. There are many women in my past whom I love deeply and I bear the disappointment that things just couldn't work with them.

It takes only a couple of them and a few years' time and one can fully understand Shakespeare when he said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Life is a banquet and the dishes include all of the basic flavors-- sweet, salty, sour, bitter, and savory. It's the blending of the flavors that make for an interesting meal.
 
Well thank you very much leeandlouise! I'd love to get off this rock (I live on an island)! That would be great, wouldn't it?!

Does your wife know about the cheating?? Can you start making time to get out and meet people, start finding your tribe, have a social life so you don't feel left out?

Thanks for the clarification. It makes more sense now.
 
Sorry, Manno

This seems to have gotten off on a little tangent. But to Redpepper: thanks for the reply. All of the stuff I do is completely without any secrets, including Ashley Madison. My wife actually found this thread this morning and sent it to me. She knew it was similar to my situation. She's been following along as we post.

AM didn't work for me because I realized that it's just a spot for a bunch of miserable cheating guys desperately looking for someone. The only women I found were "friends of my mom" or ladies I could've met at the Holiday Inn lounge on a Tuesday. Maybe it's just living in the Hoosier state, but the gene pool seems a little shallow, or at least my only prospects were (not my type?). There also seemed to be a complicated form of prostitution happening. I don't know.

Back to Manno:

Do you have any more prospects?

How do you explain where your wife is to your kid, when she's out with her bf?

Does she spend the night?


One of my concerns is the loneliness while she's gone. That, and the fact that I'm an artist and very visual, so I imagine what might be happening, and I get that little jealousy twinge. I want to be there, in his place, or at least have someone here with me.

I also sometimes wonder about the long-term effects of this situation. What if she ends up loving him more, and I'm just part of the daily grind with kids, school, homework, chores, bills, etc.? She'd still love me, but it seems like it would just become kind of ho hum. I want to be the exciting guy!

How's this working for you, so far?
 
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