Opening up marriage

ninjagirl

New member
I was curious as to how many people on here might have opened up a monogamous marriage or if the relationships just started out as poly. If you did open up a marriage, did you go through a stage of "let's do a 3-some together"? Mess it up (since, let's face it, starting with a triad is super hard) and then did better the 2nd time around with each of you dating different people?

I wonder how often opening up a marriage is successful vs it becoming closed again due to issues...
 
Wife and I opened a previous monogamous marriage. We did not go the let’s have a threesome or look for a unicorn stage. Wife and I have always preferred our relationships separate. I think how we got into it was better for us than a triad. It was a better adjustment for me who was very mono. It’s built into my wife’s DNA, but I had a learning curve. I don’t think I would go back to being mono now, but at the start it was a totally new concept for me. Being separate and not pushing into something like a triad was best for our situation.

-j
 
My husband and I tried polyamory in 1999-2000. He finally acknowledged my poly nature and my bisexuality, after 20+ years of marriage. Unfortunately we did go the unicorn route but it was a disaster from the start. Turned out the woman we found (who was already an acquaintance of a few years) wasn't really into women at all. She only paid it lip service long enough to hook my man. We never got to the threesome stage.

And my husband isn't poly, turns out. When he fell for her, he fell out of love with me.

So we limped along for another 8 years, and then split up. (We had some other issues as well, but I partly stayed with him "for the children.")

So, he hooked up with the same woman after our split. They are still a couple. I met a poly woman on OK Cupid almost right away, early 2009, and we are still together (I got really lucky finding her so soon!), and I also have had relationships with several men. I am living my authentic life. :)

Other people do succeed at opening up a formerly mono relationship. There are quite a few of them on here.
 
Wife and I opened a previous monogamous marriage. We did not go the let’s have a threesome or look for a unicorn stage. Wife and I have always preferred our relationships separate. I think how we got into it was better for us than a triad. It was a better adjustment for me who was very mono. It’s built into my wife’s DNA, but I had a learning curve. I don’t think I would go back to being mono now, but at the start it was a totally new concept for me. Being separate and not pushing into something like a triad was best for our situation.

-j

Did you guys both started dating people at the same time? Sometimes when one person gets dates and the other doesn't as fast, there are issues. You mentioned that you had a learning curve. How long did it take for you to adjust?
 
We opened up a monogamous marriage. We didn’t start with the idea of a 3-some. To be honest, threesomes never even occurred to me until my partners both showed an interest.

We have only been poly for a year, so it’s still possible that we could mess it all up. But thus far, we’ve weathered quite a few storms with each other and our other partners in the last year and come through to the other side fairly well.
 
Did you guys both started dating people at the same time? Sometimes when one person gets dates and the other doesn't as fast, there are issues. You mentioned that you had a learning curve. How long did it take for you to adjust?

She already had an interest. The interest at the time didn't work out but did end up working out for her a little later down the road. It's kind of what the catalyst to opening our marriage up after her repressing her feelings for so long.

I had a pretty big learning curve. I was a serial monogamous so the concept of poly was the furthest out of my head. I made it a point to immerse myself with as much good information that I could. I dealt with jealousy, especially since it was easier for her to meet men, than it was for me to meet women. Hindsight, it is what it is and you learn to live with that aspect. I dealt with a whole gamut of feelings. I stuck with it, read and learned as much as possible. I am still learning. It's been about 3 or so years now. All is well and I very much enjoy being in the lifestyle.

If you have any specifics, ask away...

-J
 
My wife and I opened up a previously monogamous marriage so that she could ethically explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. (Full story in link below). The idea of a triad was never in play, other than as casual speculation about an MFM (sexual) threesome - as it's her favorite fantasy. We may give that a shot one day - but it would most likely be someone from the swinger scene, maybe as a milestone birthday thing. But it really has nothing to do with our poly situation, other than both being consensually non-monogamous.

For the first several months, I did not have a partner. I was not opposed to the idea but it was not of pressing importance and I did not actively pursue the idea. Additionally, there were logistical issues that would have made it difficult (same friend set, same organizations, she had a ldr, so I would have to limit any relationship accordingly, etc). Eventually, an extended back channel communication with Bouncing Betty (also on the Forum, but not very active) led to us into a ldr. Although I was ok with my wife having a partner when I did not (after a great deal of processing early on), it has been much easier for me with a partner (even if we can only spend a couple of weekends a year together). Al

Edit: In regard to the "3-some stage" reference in the original post - while the public perception of poly seems to be the FMF Triad or V, and many couples open up with the expectation of finding their unicorn (because it seems so logical, until you stop and think it through as to what it means to the unicorn) - from what I have read, that doesn't actually happen very often (other than perhaps as an occasional sexual event). And ongoing V's seem to more often be MFM (at least based on the discussions on this forum). Al
 
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We opened up a monogamous marriage. It was my husband's idea, but for my benefit; we had some incompatibilities that we couldn't find a compromise on, so he suggested I see other guys to get what I needed/wanted.

We never dated the same person; since we're both straight, that would have been kind of impossible. We did have one sexual MFM threesome with a guy I was dating. That... was not Hubby's preference, so it hasn't been repeated with him.

He never actually dated anyone; he had sex with one woman a couple of times, decided she, and dating in general, was too much trouble, and went back to being monogamous. That was over five years ago.

Meanwhile, I've been dating steadily since we opened up, including four longish-term relationships (ranging from 9 months to currently almost three years and counting). Hubby has no issues at all with me being poly, and is completely content being monogamous.
 
I opened a monogamous marriage.

No we never did a threesome.

I have been in my current configuration for 6 years.
 
My former husband and I didn't open up our marriage; we grew apart, and ended the relationship amicably after I fell in love with another man online, and he with a woman at work.

I pursued a mono LDR with my new partner, Jester, after this. We were together for a year before issues between myself and Jester caused us to "open" the relationship to me dating a female friend of his, Boho. (Jester and Boho had been FWB in the past, but were no longer together when I started dating her.)

I/we were NOT looking for a "unicorn" or to have a threesome, at all. In fact, this was the fartherest thing from MY mind.

However, Boho soon expressed interest in forming more of a triad-like relationship... and we DID engage in a threesome of sorts, one time, which didn't go well (for me).

After this, we all agreed to keep the relationships more or less separate, with me as the hinge. Neither of my partners are interested in dating or sleeping with anybody else, however we DO plan to move in together at some stage.
 
Hi ninjagirl,

My two companions started out as a monogamous married couple. Then, they brought me in as a "second husband," and we have been an MFM V ever since. So, it went straight to poly. We are closed in that we don't have sex with anyone outside our V. But you could say that they "opened" their marriage in that they included me. It depends on how you define open I guess.

We never had a threesome stage. Pretty much each guy has a separate relationship with the woman (the hinge), and the guys are platonic friends.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You made it sound like you had no troubles. :) So matter of fact. Wish I was there already.

The only troubles I had was with my husband Butch and I not being compatible in the kink dept.

Nothing poly too related. But I am a hinge who does not allow other relationships bleed over. I did not allow NRE to go to my head. I did not give one partner power over the other.

Honestly most people do not get where I am poly wise. I am am INTJ personality type. I can compartmentalize and seperate very well.
 
I was curious as to how many people on here might have opened up a monogamous marriage or if the relationships just started out as poly. If you did open up a marriage, did you go through a stage of "let's do a 3-some together"? Mess it up (since, let's face it, starting with a triad is super hard) and then did better the 2nd time around with each of you dating different people?

I wonder how often opening up a marriage is successful vs it becoming closed again due to issues...

OK, NInja, lets start at the beginning. Most people in the real world are mono and lets keep the philosophical nonsense out of it. They move to non monogamy, of which poly is one form, for more reason than you can list here, and there is no one here that can give you the formula guaranteed to succeed. When some figures that out, they will be wealthier than Zuckerberg.
You might want to buy two books,
More Than Two
Opening Up

Not too many questions go unanswered there.

The other thing is that if you try non monogamy of any kind you are not signing up for life and yes, many many people that try it go back to monogamy and are not miserable. If anyone believes that the MAJORITY of people who go to swingers clubs never stop, that the MAJORITY of people never close their relationship and maybe even open up again, I think they are giving their "poly view of their own projections on how things SHOULD be.You can decide that for yourself.

the real important thing is how you go about it. And unless you are on the same page Id think carefully about jumping right into a threesome. You have not actually described exactly what you and your partner are discussing in specifics so its hard for anyone to offer any real advice. My guess is you will l be getting more of " i did this". Thats fine but not sure how that really helps you

So here we go. Yes i went from a non monogamous relationship back. its not without difficulty sometimes but only you can make those choices.
 
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Hi ninjagirl,

My two companions started out as a monogamous married couple. Then, they brought me in as a "second husband," and we have been an MFM V ever since. So, it went straight to poly. We are closed in that we don't have sex with anyone outside our V. But you could say that they "opened" their marriage in that they included me. It depends on how you define open I guess.

We never had a threesome stage. Pretty much each guy has a separate relationship with the woman (the hinge), and the guys are platonic friends.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)
Regards,
Kevin T.

Did the husband have difficulty adjusting?
 
I actually have read "More Than Two". It was alright. I agreed with multiple things mentioned in there but the examples, situations, etc didn't quite apply to me/didn't help.

I'm actually not suggesting that people go jump into a threesome to start poly. And I didn't. It just stereotypically, I see quite a few unicorn hunters, etc and I have heard stories where that is sort of how "a lot" of people's starting point was. I didn't go through that. I started dating on my own after discussion. My husband did not try to date since he claimed "no time".

It's interesting to hear that you went back to being mono. Was it you or your husband or both that had a hard time adjusting? Are you happy now that you are back to mono? How long did you try for and what made you decide going back was the right route?

And I was just looking more for first hand stories vs advise. I was hoping that from hearing actual stories of what people went to and how they dealt with it, I might find pieces that I relate to and then extract from that. Also, I had a intellectual curiosity on just how many marriages were successfully opened vs not. It is rare for people to be "above average" just from the definition so knowing stats like that can level set my expectations. (Though obviously asking this on a forum to completely non-scientific... but maybe someone here would be aware of some study. :p )

OK, NInja, lets start at the beginning. Most people in the real world are mono and lets keep the philosophical nonsense out of it. They move to non monogamy, of which poly is one form, for more reason than you can list here, and there is no one here that can give you the formula guaranteed to succeed. When some figures that out, they will be wealthier than Zuckerberg.
You might want to buy two books,
More Than Two
Opening Up

Not too many questions go unanswered there.

The other thing is that if you try non monogamy of any kind you are not signing up for life and yes, many many people that try it go back to monogamy and are not miserable. If anyone believes that the MAJORITY of people who go to swingers clubs never stop, that the MAJORITY of people never close their relationship and maybe even open up again, I think they are giving their "poly view of their own projections on how things SHOULD be.You can decide that for yourself.

the real important thing is how you go about it. And unless you are on the same page Id think carefully about jumping right into a threesome. You have not actually described exactly what you and your partner are discussing in specifics so its hard for anyone to offer any real advice. My guess is you will l be getting more of " i did this". Thats fine but not sure how that really helps you

So here we go. Yes i went from a non monogamous relationship back. its not without difficulty sometimes but only you can make those choices.
 
And I was just looking more for first hand stories vs advise. I was hoping that from hearing actual stories of what people went to and how they dealt with it, I might find pieces that I relate to and then extract from that. Also, I had a intellectual curiosity on just how many marriages were successfully opened vs not. It is rare for people to be "above average" just from the definition so knowing stats like that can level set my expectations. (Though obviously asking this on a forum to completely non-scientific... but maybe someone here would be aware of some study. :p )

Since you are intellectually curious about success rates, I think it is important to define what you consider success. Success could be:

Opening up a monogamous marriage, neither party really enjoying the experience, discussing and both mutually deciding to go back to monogamy.

Opening up a monogamous marriage, over time deciding that they no longer were romantically compatible, and choosing to transition the relationship into friends/coparents.

Opening up a monogamous marriage, one partner realizing through healthy experiences that their spouse was emotionally abusing them, and leaving a bad marriage.

In all those cases, either the marriage or the openness ends, but I don’t know that I would consider any of them “unsuccessful” — in each case, the people learned something about themselves, their needs, and made the choice that was best for them.

I know you felt like you didn’t get all that much out of More Than Two, but to me, the most important part of that book was the message that, “the people in the relationship are more important than the relationship.” People choosing to prioritize their needs over a particular relationship or relationship shape/style is a good thing, in my opinion.

I am guessing that if you think about your original definition of a successful opening up it would be (1) the original couple staying intact, and (2) the relationship remaining open, (3) everyone being happy. In reality, there are a lot of important other factors that can make transitions between relationship styles successful and appropriate. We don’t consider a couple to have failed at opening up just because they return to monogamy, in the same way her we wouldn’t consider a couple who chose to open their relationship to have “failed” at monogamy.
 
Hi Ninjagirl,

My husband and I opened up a year and half ago or so. We started out by talking about it, listening to podcasts, reading/researching, and attending a conference. We do our own "separate" thing, and each have one other partner right now. I don't think I would ever want to be part of a triad, but I haven't been in that situation yet so who could say.
 
Knight and I were so clichéd about opening up - we started out seeking women for NSA threesomes, did the swinger thing, did a non-romantic triad for a bit and date a few couples as couples (somewhere in a gray area between swinging and poly), then tried to date separately and STILL ended up in a couple quads (d'oh!) and now very happily date separately though will raaaaarely (like, 1x or 2x a year) have a threesome as a special treat for one of us.

(This is over the course of about 15 years, just to clarify.)
 
My wife and I were both non-monogamous when we first started dating. However, she asked that we try monogamy after our relationship escalated. I guess that's kind of opposite of the "norm".

We had some threesomes for fun. I wouldn't call any of them triads. There was no attempt to make any of them permanent.

We opened up later and it worked out well. A few hiccups since we had been mono for so long.
 
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