I came out Bi-, when I was 17. Over the next few years I was in two poly relationships, it just seemed natural to me. In both I had both a bi-husband and a wife. There are things I need emotionally from each sex. It was great, all of my needs were being met, everyone was happy, things couldn't get any better. Then one day I found myself single, my husband was transferred out of state with his job, and our wife wanted to go with him.
A year later I meet this woman, and totally fall in love, the problem is that she is totally monogamous, I discussed, my previous life with her, I held nothing back. She said, "OK, so what...". I knew she was not interested in a poly relationship. I decided that I would just learn to live monogamous. Somehow, I was able to overlook my needs for a man. So we got married, and have been for the last 17 years.
Eleven years ago I became disabled due to some undiagnosed congenital health issues. It took some getting used to, for the first three years, I was confined to a wheelchair. I had to get used to being totally helpless. During this time, my need of having a man in my life, returned. Then I got some better, for the most part I am now able to take care of myself. I can go to the grocery store by myself, as long as I'm only after one or two things.
About five years ago, I became totally impotent due to my health problems. It happened over a few months, I felt that my manhood had been ripped away from me, I felt like half a man. But, as horrible as I felt about myself, what hurt the worst was that it was not fair to my wife, why should she have to do without just because I was useless. Because, my main concern was my wife, I did not have time to feel sorry for myself, I was determined to do whatever I had to do to meet her needs. We visited an adult bookstore, and bought some toys, and did all the things that can be done without me working. Things went fine for a couple of years, but in the last year I've gotten so I can't even do most of those things. Now I am really starting to feel sorry for myself.
In the last five to six months, my need to have a man in my life has really exploded. I'm at almost at a point where I can't live without a man. I sat down and typed up a letter to my wife, between my conditions, and my meds, my memory and concentration are not real good. So I figured I could type it up, and take a week to reread it, and tweak it so that I had it perfect. It explained to her my feelings, and my anguish, it explained that what hurt me the most was her needs not being met. I reminded her of when I lived the poly life, and suggested she think about the possibility of us adding another bi-man, to our relationships and form a triad. That way her needs would be met, I could have my emotional needs met since I really don't care about having sex with anybody of either sex, I just really need my emotional needs met. I explained all the combinations of people that was possible. She was not at all interested, she just could not handle the thought of three people together, she could not handle all the emotional issues of having a triad.
Now I'm left sitting here, trying to decide what my next move is. I don't know which way to go, or what to do. I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind, my heart is breaking, my soul is being torn apart. I go to bed at night, wait until my wife goes to sleep, then cry my self to sleep. There is a difference between a need and a want. A need is air, water, a want it electricity a candy bar. I have a need for the touch of man, to be held in the arms of a man, a need like food is a need. I wish I could talk her into just trying a triad. I know at least some people reading this right now are saying, just go find yourself a man. I can't do that, I love my wife too much to cheat on her. I love her so much that it is impossible for me to cheat. I have told her that since she is not interested in a triad, that if she wanted to get some on the side that would be ok with me. But, I can't cheat on her, I had a chance one time, I was at a friends house one day, and he came on very strongly, even taking off his shirt exposing his sculpted chest, and chiseled rock hard abs. It was hard to walk out, but I did, I could not stay, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't do it.
Thanks for listening, I do appreciate it. I just don't know what I'm going to do.
A year later I meet this woman, and totally fall in love, the problem is that she is totally monogamous, I discussed, my previous life with her, I held nothing back. She said, "OK, so what...". I knew she was not interested in a poly relationship. I decided that I would just learn to live monogamous. Somehow, I was able to overlook my needs for a man. So we got married, and have been for the last 17 years.
Eleven years ago I became disabled due to some undiagnosed congenital health issues. It took some getting used to, for the first three years, I was confined to a wheelchair. I had to get used to being totally helpless. During this time, my need of having a man in my life, returned. Then I got some better, for the most part I am now able to take care of myself. I can go to the grocery store by myself, as long as I'm only after one or two things.
About five years ago, I became totally impotent due to my health problems. It happened over a few months, I felt that my manhood had been ripped away from me, I felt like half a man. But, as horrible as I felt about myself, what hurt the worst was that it was not fair to my wife, why should she have to do without just because I was useless. Because, my main concern was my wife, I did not have time to feel sorry for myself, I was determined to do whatever I had to do to meet her needs. We visited an adult bookstore, and bought some toys, and did all the things that can be done without me working. Things went fine for a couple of years, but in the last year I've gotten so I can't even do most of those things. Now I am really starting to feel sorry for myself.
In the last five to six months, my need to have a man in my life has really exploded. I'm at almost at a point where I can't live without a man. I sat down and typed up a letter to my wife, between my conditions, and my meds, my memory and concentration are not real good. So I figured I could type it up, and take a week to reread it, and tweak it so that I had it perfect. It explained to her my feelings, and my anguish, it explained that what hurt me the most was her needs not being met. I reminded her of when I lived the poly life, and suggested she think about the possibility of us adding another bi-man, to our relationships and form a triad. That way her needs would be met, I could have my emotional needs met since I really don't care about having sex with anybody of either sex, I just really need my emotional needs met. I explained all the combinations of people that was possible. She was not at all interested, she just could not handle the thought of three people together, she could not handle all the emotional issues of having a triad.
Now I'm left sitting here, trying to decide what my next move is. I don't know which way to go, or what to do. I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind, my heart is breaking, my soul is being torn apart. I go to bed at night, wait until my wife goes to sleep, then cry my self to sleep. There is a difference between a need and a want. A need is air, water, a want it electricity a candy bar. I have a need for the touch of man, to be held in the arms of a man, a need like food is a need. I wish I could talk her into just trying a triad. I know at least some people reading this right now are saying, just go find yourself a man. I can't do that, I love my wife too much to cheat on her. I love her so much that it is impossible for me to cheat. I have told her that since she is not interested in a triad, that if she wanted to get some on the side that would be ok with me. But, I can't cheat on her, I had a chance one time, I was at a friends house one day, and he came on very strongly, even taking off his shirt exposing his sculpted chest, and chiseled rock hard abs. It was hard to walk out, but I did, I could not stay, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't do it.
Thanks for listening, I do appreciate it. I just don't know what I'm going to do.