Malfunktioning and meandering

Malfunktions

New member
Ok so here goes,

After years of C wishing on every falling star, every eyelash, and even birthday candles I finally broke and said OK.
What was he wishing for you ask?

(Opinion) What do most hypersexual men who get involved with bi-women want? A threesome.

It came out at a party once when we first started dating that I had participated in a threesome with my two best friends who were and still are a couple. Mind you, it was a drunken debacle with more wine spilt on us then in our mouths that none one of us regretted but agreed should not happen again. I wasn't looking for a triad or a Vee, I was non-monogamous and loving it.
Looking back it was fun. ;)

Fast forward.

Did I feel objectified because I was his tool to get what he wanted? Yeah kinda. :( Did I want to be looked at as a hinge factor in one of his fantasies? I feel I should say yes but I felt like because I was bi he thought he was entitled to what my friends received. Since then I have enjoyed the mono lifestyle. I wasn't concerned about going back but I have morphed to match what he wanted. I didn't go vanilla but I was tamed.
They say, we fear most what we fear the most in our selves.
Hello, nail, hammer, nice to meet you.
What do I fear?
My non-monogamy.

So, finally, when I gave up the idea of not succumbing to his threesome idea I also made one request. I don't want a casual fuck and toss. I want, rather, I miss, the female interaction. The deep-seated connection to know how to react, comfort, touch, know a woman. I suggested instead of a one night threesome that I wanted to pursue dating, to open our lives up to more than just sex. At first he was interested. I did countless hours of research till my eyes hurt from surfing, I scrounged the local online scene, I asked around if anyone knew of a poly-community here and came up wanting.
But still I looked.

We discussed what he wanted. We, FINALLY, discussed what I, ultimately wanted and that was a polyandrous Vee (MFM) (That was a big HELL NO) or a FMF. Ok, that got his attention more. Fine. C just might get his wish after all.

Last night, he asked me what he did wrong. What wasn't he giving me? What was he lacking.

I never thought he'd feel that way. I should have.

We talked about everything. Well, he talked. I cried and babbled. Good thing we've been together long enough for him to be able to decipher my mewlings and snotty babblings. (I'm an insanely ugly crier)

Is poly no longer on the table? No, not exactly. But he has stressed that he WILL be jealous if I develop an attachment to another man. Valid. Understandable even. Am I still looking? Yeah, sort of. Less actively but, yes, still looking. Maybe I'll let him stew over it. And re-address.

Will you guys help me judge the time? I'm pretty sure I'll need it. :/
 
Not sure if this is terribly helpful, but I'm absolutely mystified as to the fixation with a threesome. I really just do. not. get it.

I like to devote my attention to one person and I feel like I'd go from doing a pretty good job with one person to a mediocre job with two people. I dont know that I'd turn down the opportunity, for the life experience, but its not very high on my list of things that I want to do before I die.
 
Excuses

In my Internet meandering I came across a blog with which the writer, presumably male, is accusing his wife of using polyamory as an EXCUSE to "cheat". He outlines their relationship and it all seems to check out, the only difference being that his wife has another boyfriend. Hello Mister.
He goes on to explain that he has been best friends with wife's new bf since they were children and the three of them hang out still. But I digress.

The point I'm trying to make is that I come across posts like "in a sexless marriage with primary and in love with secondary." Or "loveless marriage seeking a bridge".

Ok, maybe I'm jaded, but it's a little disturbing to see that these people are looking to polyamory as the medicine or quick fix agent. No wonder it has a *bad* appearance to normal people. I do (want) understand the values of the lifestyle not benefit from the patchwork abilities. If your staying together for the kids and choose to open up you relationship then that's cool but is bringing the community into your house just an excuse to get you rocks off with someone other than your husband, who by the way, you, MARRIED.

I'm idealistic to a flaw and really want everyone to be happy. If its working for you than ignore my nativity and keep on keeping on.

On another note, it doesn't help that television portrays the poly community as "hippie flakes seeking 'Free Love'". I don't live in a compound and grow my own root vegetables but I do love unconditionally more than my immediate family. Harbouring a secret love is hard but if it comes out then bad will happen kinda thing.

So in closing, what's the difference, or *is there * a difference between "being poly" and " using poly"?

I really love feedback, if you have anything at all to say, fret not, I take criticism like gold and praise like salt ;)
 
I'd never been all that set on it but it has its ups and it has it downs as well.
 
So in closing, what's the difference, or *is there * a difference between "being poly" and " using poly"?

I really love feedback, if you have anything at all to say, fret not, I take criticism like gold and praise like salt ;)

Not criticism, just another confused thought thrown on the pile...

After reading a lot here, I might guess that "being poly" means it is a natural, full-time desire to have multiple relationships most of the time. It is that person's natural state, necessary to meeting their needs.

"Using poly" might be people who can function happily for much longer periods of time with only one intimate relationship, as long as their needs are being met. When their needs are no longer being met, they will look for other ways to do that, with other people. Not cheating, since in theory they are open about it, but not always a part of their lives, maybe more situationally?

These are both just guesses. I may be 100% wrong about all of it.
 
I'd never been all that set on it but it has its ups and it has it downs as well.
Perhaps my perception is colored by never having tried it. I'm open to changing my mind but I feel no need to hasten to its indulgence.
 
One of the truisms people here will tell folks is that if your relationship is broken, adding more people will not fix it. It can make things much worse. That said, some people do come to poly and/or open relationships through cheating. It is a very tough road but some do manage that transition. And some folks do the work to make their initial relationships stronger as they open up. But the broken relationship, add more model does seem fairly prevalent. I often wonder why.
 
"Using poly" might be people who can function happily for much longer periods of time with only one intimate relationship, as long as their needs are being met. When their needs are no longer being met, they will look for other ways to do that, with other people. Not cheating, since in theory they are open about it, but not always a part of their lives, maybe situationally?

Very valid point you bring up. Is it too bold to say maybe these partners, the ones claiming poly, only choose to bring it up because they are lacking in some aspects of their relationship? Ie, contemplate cheating then coincidentally come across the subject of poly and assume " oh! Maybe I'm poly. If I suggest it then maybe I'll get to keep my marriage but also get a green light to "whore around"? Obviously, that statement is the discretion of that partners other partner, the one who isn't providing the needs' or, dare I say, boring the suspecting poly partner?
 
One of the truisms people here will tell folks is that if your relationship is broken, adding more people will not fix it. It can make things much worse. That said, some people do come to poly and/or open relationships through cheating. It is a very tough road but some do manage that transition. And some folks do the work to make their initial relationships stronger as they open up. But the broken relationship, add more model does seem fairly prevalent. I often wonder why.

You should always fix what's broken before attempting a quick fix.

(I'm an outdoor survivalist so bear with my metaphors.)
It's like a canoe that gets a crack. Do you throw a patch over it and work for days to smooth and sand, carefully making sure the seam is planed and patched countless times to ensure a positive fix? Or do you just add duct tape?
 
... Or do you just add duct tape?

OK, I had to laugh :D - while I do NOT advocate this approach for relationship woes, in general ... I am a "just add duct tape" kind of girl.

True story:
We had this beat up old van and the headlight fell out...we taped it back in place. Every 8-10 months the headlight would fall out again (you'd hear it banging against the fender, dangling by it's wires. We replaced the duct tape. (For 5-6 YEARS actually). Headlight works fine - no problems.

The time/effort/money to actually FIX the problem (the brackets were broken, the screws were stripped...blah,blah,blah) was so NOT worth it when 2 minutes of time and $0.02 worth of duct tape did a fine enough job.

So I gently say that I disagree with this statement (bold mine)
You should always fix what's broken before attempting a quick fix.

Nope...sometimes, "good enough" is plenty. The trick is to prioritize and recognize when a problem is significant enough to actually invest the time and energy into actually fixing it. Otherwise you can spend a lot of time/effort/money in fussing over insignificant BS and never get to the really important stuff.

Your relationship - yup. Important.
My van headlight - nope. Not important.

Jane("Fan-of-Duct-Tape")Q

PS. The "coat-hanger-and-duct-tape" repair I did at 16 when I attempted to rip the fender off of my Dad's car lasted SEVEN YEARS! I think the adhesive must have melded with the fiberglass or some magic...
 
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Ha ha ha! Believe it or not OUR HEADLIGHT IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING RIGHT NOW!
Ok, so maybe duct tape fixes what's not as important but in reference to the canoe/crack paradigm I'd rather spend the days patching it than be in the middle of the river sinking... Swimming? Not my forte

Yes, relationships deserve the time and effort! I feel bad that I never even thought that C would think he was not enough. :( A few days after our "talk" and he's back to joking. "Wouldn't it be nice to be in a sandwich right now." Or "Imagine the entanglement we'd face when we woke up each morning."
So, in retrospect, breaking down and enduring the messiness of me crying and babbling was beneficial because we got to discuss our motivations to our decisions as well as our desires.

Everything is much better.

Duct tape not required.
 
Ha ha ha! Believe it or not OUR HEADLIGHT IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING RIGHT NOW!

:D - that, my friend, is TOO funny!

So, in retrospect, breaking down and enduring the messiness of me crying and babbling was beneficial because we got to discuss our motivations to our decisions as well as our desires.

Everything is much better.

Duct tape not required.

I'm glad things are much better. Sometimes things come to a head before you recognize that there is an issue - at that point nothing to do but lance it and let it all out. Yes it's messy, but ... sometimes that's what it takes to heal and move on in your new-found knowledge.

(I like to keep the duct tape handy though...:rolleyes:)

Jane("Also-a-fan-of-zip-ties-and-band-clamps")Q
 
Zip ties are way too fragile. Trust me on that one.
 
Lol if your holding back a human maybe but they work just fine for mufflers! ;)
 
Lol "lance it and stick it out"

Sounds like the preverbal band aid pull. Or... Popping a blister....

************


Tonight is C's brothers b-day. I told him he was free to play. He looked at me like I had two heads and asked in a very squeaky voice, "really?". I replied "yes, really."

I'm not a tyrant and the only place I'm dominant is at my job, I work for the Canadian army cadet program. I'm otherwise, a very submissive personality. So, it doesn't bother me that he didn't really believe me. He's nervous now. This his first "hunt" ::lol:: with out me making the decisions and moves. Approaching women for a reason other than conversation really isn't his strong suit. Lol he wishes I was going too but I'm only one of the guys when his brother isn't involved. His brother doesn't openly begrudge me but we all know he holds me responsible for C's maturation. I guess it's my fault C has his own business and his own hobbies and not every waking minute to wait on baby brother. :rolleyes:
8 years between them and I think baby brother feels C owes his everything. I mean he's given him a job which C hopes "brother" will step up someday so they can start up a new team and "brother" could run it. He bails him out of financial woes, feeds his beer needs, drives him everywhere. As if "brother" feels entitled.
This really hurts C, I can see it. I wish I could say something but this isn't my position. I stay out of it because one day 5 years ago I opened my mouth and said something snarky without thinking. Even though it was the truth ad C agrees it had to be said, "brother" got pissed off and left. Later he called us to come help him get his car unwrapped from the telephone pole. Drunk.
He isn't as much anymore but he used to be detrimental to C and I's relationship. C couldn't talk about me. Not even to say something like, " Mal's taking the boys (anywhere) ...."
I admit that if Chris were to chat up a girl tonight "brother" will ENCOURAGE him to cheat and proceed to devalue me.
C will set him straight and everything but still. Now that I think about it, maybe having "brother" around and drunk is NOT the time to date. He has a huge mouth and doesn't care who gets hurt in his drunken haze cause he's having fun.

I'm gonna mention that to C... See what he thinks.

I always think better this way. Thanks for trying to follow!
 
So nervous I could toss cookies

So upon leaving the house for tonight's debacles, C hugs me, kisses me, and does our normal "oh your leaving" routine.

The only difference this time?

"Go! Flirt to your hearts content! Enjoy yourself! I love you."

Was easy to say.

....at the time.

No, I'm not jealous, nor am I wondering if something better will slap him in the face. What I'm nervous about is if he'll actually do it.

Will he put forth the effort than I am?
Or does he still feel skeevy about it and just won't tell me?
Will he embrace our decision or chicken out?
Will he attempt then regret?


Unless I send him a barrage of texts, which I'm not going to do, I can't know. My stomachs in knots. Anticipation is killer.

Oh, God! There's waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many variables!!!

I think I've spent half an hour brushing my hair.......
Drank a litre of red wine (coincidentally is the same colour as my hair so now I'm getting my brush again.)

I'm a little OCD when nervous.. I've already re-aligned the movies, DVDs, cd's alphabetically. Written half a song. Set and re-set the PVR to make sure we don't miss is weeks shows. Neurotically, re-inventing another way of addressing this topic to him.

Am I being daft or naive? Am I over reacting?
 
Ok it's 1:00pm the next day and he's not home yet but on his way. I calmed down just so you know. I went to sleep or fell into a wine coma, either way, and woke up this morning wondering WTH I was so stressed about.

Back to normal, well other than the tiniest feeling of butterflies but that's it.
 
Conflicted much?

So I'm going to the movies with a really cute girl she's way younger.. Like 20 and I'm 27, nervous? Not really cause we both stated we're just looking to hang out but we've been texting.
We have crazy amounts in common and she's quirky like me.
I don't have many friends because I'm a push over so I let them use me up til they are ready to move on. Girls don't particularly like me cause I'm one of the boys with out being a tomboy, I'm not that pretty but I know how to flirt, i'm not crazy psychotic like most girls around here, the list goes on..

What this post is about is how after 6 years of monogamy and parenting, I'm 100% positive I'm missing. I've lost myself. Is it right for me to project who I used to be in memory, And want to be back to? If not, than who am I supposed to be?

Conflicted.

I'm a very good suppressor and I can act with the best of them:)

C comes home today from a ski-dooing weekend, I'm gonna ask him what he thinks. Hopefully I remember. Poor hypersexual was stuck in the woods with the dudes. No attention for him ;)
 
Take two

So our movie fell through last week :( but we are going tonight and I'm so elated! We met for coffee the other day and its been a roller coaster of GOOD emotions.
She younger than originally thought but I'm ok with that. My age is just a number.. I certainly don't act it.

C is more on board with this whole thing. We've been talking much more fluently about this prospect and he has admitted that he knows of one person he'd be interested in reconnecting with. She is nothing like me in the sense that she's loud, out spoken and gruff. She gets her way or else kinda thing. Am I phased? No, we are each others primaries and should we enter to poly with our prospectives than they will be of that knowledge ahead of time.
We've actually been watching Polyamory: Married and Dating and are taking from it what we feel is us, we're also seeing what we don't want.
I am reading The Ethical Slut out of curiosity and he's web surfing knowledge by the bevy.

We've lain our boundaries and at this point are comfortable with each others positions even if, by chance, a triad is not an option we won't be off put by our own Vee's. We are both in agreement that what we choose to do with our prospectives should be under our own discretion but we want as much communication as possible.

E is so gorgeous and to quote a post I came across today about scents, she smells SOO good. I can't wait for our movie tonight!!!!
 
The movie was good but I'm just not feeling it from her.. I did something and I don't know what.. I keep my hands about me, Censure what I want to say, and try to act accordingly but her texting has dropped off :( she works an insanely difficult work schedule.

On another note, I have a question for all of you in digital land.

Can you really devote yourself to poly if you're a flake?
Cause I am, and I'm not sure if this is my snatch telling me its free to hunt tail or my heart telling me to search for more love. :cool:
 
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