Had the talk, hubby broke up with me

Courious

New member
Yeah. So there's that. I feel free in some respects (not even just to be poly if I want) but I am also scared. It just happened last night so there's obviously a lot up in the air, but that's what happened.

He said he's been unhappy for a while and doesn't feel important to me anymore because I have a new business that I love and am great at. I think he's a little jealous, because he's been working on trying to start a business for years with his brother and it's so slow. That and he doesn't think we were ever right for each other.

So. That was my night.
 
That's unfortunate, sorry to hear that. Being in my own situation and coming close to breaking up, I'm starting to wonder if recipients of "The Poly" talk don't just use this as an excuse to break up.

I mean in my own situation, I mention I want an open relationship. This turns into how I'm such a horrible person and I don't really need you anyway. I mean if all these things were true, why didn't you want to break up with me earlier? Why now?

It's almost like they don't know how to take it, so they decide to do something drastic. Instead of saying something like, I love you so much, I can't stand to have you be with someone else, I need you in my life......NO.....

It's we shouldn't be together anyway, Go figure.............
 
I'm sorry. :( Break ups, even best break ups, have some rough to ride.

But I'll hope for you that it is the best of break ups, and the rough is minimal as you navigate toward an amicable split.

*hug*

GG
 
Hugs to you!

(Runningman-some people yes. But, my husband thought those things, didn't say them and struggled through staying and making it work)
 
So sorry to hear this. :( Hang in there, it sounds like you have a lot going for you and if your relationship wasn't strong enough to hold up to this... well I guess it just wasn't strong enough. I know that it doesn't help how you are feeling now, but at least you have your whole life ahead of you to make it whatever you want it to be. I know now that I am so much happier and so much better off than I was in my first marriage, it makes me wonder why it took so long to come apart. There is a better life out there for you. Make it whatever you want it to be. Hugs.
 
I am so sorry that u are having such a hard time right now. Breakups after a long relationship are often scary. I am glad that u are living your truth though. U should be very proud as well. I wish I was so strong.
 
I'm starting to wonder if recipients of "The Poly" talk don't just use this as an excuse to break up.
With all due respect, I think that's really unfair. If someone makes a lifetime commitment to mutual fidelity and then years later gets told, "Hey, I want a boyfriend," this is a pretty MAJOR change in the terms of agreement and something almost no one would expect and most wouldn't want. I hardly think changing the most fundamental terms can be dismissed as such a little thing that they're 'using it as an excuse.'

Instead of saying something like, I love you so much, I can't stand to have you be with someone else, I need you in my life......NO.....

It's we shouldn't be together anyway, Go figure.............

But if two people want mutually exclusive things out of a relationship and it can't be resolved, then they shouldn't be together. I have to admit, had my ex-husband told me he wanted to date other women, I don't think I would have begged and pleaded with him about how much I loved him, because begging and pleading never turned anyone on.
 
I have to agree with WhatHappened. To divulge to a long-term SO that u are interested in exploring polyamory is a huge deal, and one should be very proud of themselves for having the balls\ovaries to do it. Many people are not interested in this lifestyle and they shouldn't be villified for it. Everyone should have their lifestyle choices respected, as long as they are not hurting anyone in the process.
 
With all due respect, I think that's really unfair. If someone makes a lifetime commitment to mutual fidelity and then years later gets told, "Hey, I want a boyfriend," this is a pretty MAJOR change in the terms of agreement and something almost no one would expect and most wouldn't want. I hardly think changing the most fundamental terms can be dismissed as such a little thing that they're 'using it as an excuse.'

You have a point, but isn't there something in this commitment about "for better or for worse?" My whole point is instead talking and working through it, lots of significant others just throw in the towel. Well what was the whole relationship built on anyway if this can break up your relationship without even trying to work through it? Did the partner bring something up that wasn't expected? Yes, they did, but things change. As a couple you should be willing to at least "work through" the changes. Then if you decide later that this is something that you simply cannot handle, then by all means call it quits. But to call it quits from the get go. Sorry to me that's utterly ridiculous.
 
You have a point, but isn't there something in this commitment about "for better or for worse?" My whole point is instead talking and working through it, lots of significant others just throw in the towel. Well what was the whole relationship built on anyway if this can break up your relationship without even trying to work through it? Did the partner bring something up that wasn't expected? Yes, they did, but things change. As a couple you should be willing to at least "work through" the changes. Then if you decide later that this is something that you simply cannot handle, then by all means call it quits. But to call it quits from the get go. Sorry to me that's utterly ridiculous.

How is knowing you can't handle poly any different than knowing you can't handle NOT being poly?
 
I guess you will never know until you try, will you? Sometimes the abstract idea of things is harder to grasp than the concrete.

I don't agree with this at all, but that's not the purpose of the thread.

Courious - Kudos for having "the talk." I'm sure it will be a struggle to transition, but I hope you find happiness in the long run.
 
I don't agree with this at all, but that's not the purpose of the thread.

Courious - Kudos for having "the talk." I'm sure it will be a struggle to transition, but I hope you find happiness in the long run.

PM me then, as I'm interested in hearing other people's take on things.
 
You have a point, but isn't there something in this commitment about "for better or for worse?

There's also something in there about forsaking all others.

My whole point is instead talking and working through it, lots of significant others just throw in the towel. Well what was the whole relationship built on anyway if this can break up your relationship without even trying to work through it? Did the partner bring something up that wasn't expected? Yes, they did, but things change. As a couple you should be willing to at least "work through" the changes. Then if you decide later that this is something that you simply cannot handle, then by all means call it quits. But to call it quits from the get go.

And my point is that your attitude seems to be that it's a relatively minor thing. For those who went in expecting they'd both promised lifelong fidelity, it is not.

Sorry to me that's utterly ridiculous.
To each his own.
 
And my point is that your attitude seems to be that it's a relatively minor thing. For those who went in expecting they'd both promised lifelong fidelity, it is not.

I think that's where we are missing each other. My intention is not to turn it into a minor thing. If the relationship was important at all, how can someone just break with the other person without trying to work it out? That's the point I'm trying to make.
 
With all due respect, I think that's really unfair. If someone makes a lifetime commitment to mutual fidelity and then years later gets told, "Hey, I want a boyfriend," this is a pretty MAJOR change in the terms of agreement and something almost no one would expect and most wouldn't want. I hardly think changing the most fundamental terms can be dismissed as such a little thing that they're 'using it as an excuse.'

It appears to be an excuse.

She hasn't gotten a boyfriend, she simply spoke to her desire to be involved with other people. Mentioning such a desire does *not* warrant breaking up immediately for any reasonable person. Can you say "gross overreaction"?

If he's so committed to the marriage, why would he toss it all aside simply because she said she'd like to change things? It certainly does appear that he's using what she said as an excuse to cover some disaffection on his part. He did say he'd been unhappy for a while---there ya go.
 
A committed couple should be able to talk about their deeper feelings, wants, and needs without fear. It's just talk, after all, and hashing things out is what partnership is all about. That one partner's need for discussion on a difficult topic could threaten a marriage speaks more loudly about his level of commitment than hers.

OP, so sorry to know you're going through such a rough time right now, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel, though you probably don't see it yet!
 
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A committed couple should be able to talk about their deeper feelings, wants, and needs without fear. It's just talk, after all, and hashing things out is what partnership is all about. That one partner's need for discussion on a difficult topic could threaten a marriage speaks more loudly about his level of commitment than hers.

OP, so sorry to know you're going through such a rough time right now, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel, though you probably don't see it yet!

^^^^This.

And frankly, if sexual exclusivity is all your marriage/relationship is built upon, it's not very strong. Just MHO...
 
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