This is a lot of work. (TP's story, when she feels like updating)

So very very badly. It sounds amazing. Yes, I'm sure challenging at times etc etc. But, holy cow. Kudos to you and your's.

It's not perfect and it's likely only for the next three months, until the next time Peace River is hiring.

And then I have no idea what will happen to our relationship. :( It's been a rough week.

Happy anniversary, Mr. A.
 
I just had to come to terms with the fact that my dreams are not his right now, but we do share the dream of wanting to have a relationship together. :)

Funny you put it that way. 2rings and I have had similar talks recently. And I feel extreme guilt at times that he and I are not in sync when it comes to what our dreams of the future are. We also share the dream of wanting a more shared existence, living together, but I am not sure I want all of what that entails. At least not right now. I know KT does not want it at all. I feel so bad about him worrying that it may not happen. I feel bad about contributing to his anxiety about it, his sadness. I know we love eachother immensely and that there is no future without him in it; but, I do wonder if we will ever get the whole enchilada. Know what I mean? It is frustrating for all of us in different ways to have so many setbacks. It is heartbreaking to revisit the same jealousies and insecurities. On my blog NYCIndie spoke about expectations being the root of resentment. There is something to that I think. I am still trying to figure out what makes me happy, and what works in my relationship with 2rings, so I completely empathize with the frustration you are going thru right now. It is hard to think of a future without having some expectations. It is even more difficult to have expectations directly impacted by someone else's agenda or plans of their future. It is a complicated thing when all of the players are not on the same page of the playbook.
 
I did read NYCI's post and was certainly able to draw a few parallels to my own life! ;)

He has said he will be able to eventually "settle down", as in not moving every year or two to the middle of nowhere. It would be major cities, and longer durations.

We had all discussed relocation with him, for his next job, but the more we talked the more ridiculous it sounded to me. Giving up two good jobs (Indigo and me), a house (I'm only 26, but have been a homeowner for 2 years and I'm proud of that!), family, incurring moving costs, dealing with the half dozen pets, etc. ... At one point, Indigo asked what was in it for him. Well, absolutely nothing. And to be honest, not much more for me. Why would I want to deal with all of those things when Mr. A will only have a job that barely supports him?

He says he will keep loving me, but I am afraid that it will fade, and he'll be able to find someone who can follow him, who doesn't have the complication of a poly relationship ... He says he wouldn't be looking, and if anyone was interested, that could be stopped with a simple, "I have a girlfriend." He says I have set the bar high, and wants me in his life for the rest of his life.

I can't decide if that's terribly naïve of him, or if it's a mono thing. Mono, if you're reading, please feel free to chime in! I've been trying to figure out what my question is, exactly; I've wanted to post on the forum.

At any rate, we have set some boundaries out, I've adjusted my expectations, and we are just taking it slowly. He's moving in soon. Hah. That's been the easy part, working out boundaries and expectations amongst the three of us while he's here. The hard part is the after.
 
Mono, if you're reading, please feel free to chime in! I've been trying to figure out what my question is, exactly; I've wanted to post on the forum.

.

I'm not sure what you are looking for TP. A long term forecast if you are living in two cities?
 
He says he will keep loving me, but I am afraid that it will fade, and he'll be able to find someone who can follow him, who doesn't have the complication of a poly relationship ... He says he wouldn't be looking, and if anyone was interested, that could be stopped with a simple, "I have a girlfriend." He says I have set the bar high, and wants me in his life for the rest of his life.

I can't decide if that's terribly naïve of him, or if it's a mono thing. Mono, if you're reading, please feel free to chime in! I've been trying to figure out what my question is, exactly; I've wanted to post on the forum.

I'm not sure what you are looking for TP. A long term forecast if you are living in two cities?

I think what TP's saying is she can't quite believe he wouldn't look for someone else if he was far away.

Correct me if I'm wrong, TP, but it's like you're a bit stunned by his "declaration" of wanting you in his life forever -- or you're afraid to let yourself believe something that sounds too good to be true. So you're saying to yourself, "is he really so naïve? Or is that how it is to be monogamous?" Probably also you're wondering "can he really love me that much?" and "can I count on him being a part of my life no matter where he is and where we go? Really???"

I think all those thoughts and fears are natural. We, most of us, usually have the hardest time when our dreams come true. We're so used to disappointments, large and small, that we don't know what to do with ourselves when we have what we want -- or rather, more than we ever could have hoped for. :) Those doubts are just tapes we play in our head to protect ourselves from possible hurts. Know that they are playing, but you don't have to pay credence to them.

Keep breathing, TP. Revel in the good stuff.
 
Correct me if I'm wrong, TP, but it's like you're a bit stunned by his "declaration" of wanting you in his life forever -- or you're afraid to let yourself believe something that sounds too good to be true. So you're saying to yourself, "is he really so naïve? Or is that how it is to be monogamous?" Probably also you're wondering "can he really love me that much?" and "can I count on him being a part of my life no matter where he is and where we go? Really???"

A little bit of everything, but especially what I've bolded. For me, when he moves to the middle of nowhere and we start being able to only see each other a few times a year, my love will ... not fade, but just become less IN MY FACE. I won't stop loving him, but I certainly won't be thinking about him quite so often. I've been in this sort of situation before.

I don't stop loving, so if he is then able to come back into my life in a more significant way, it would not take me long to be back to the old way of loving. I have heard people on here compare love to a trail to the heart. If he goes away, that trail may become overgrown, but it will still very much exist. And with a little work, can be back to what it was.

I guess I wonder how separated a mono might have to be to lose enough connection that they are able to form a new one?

I'm pretty sure I'm making WAY too many generalizations ... *sigh*
 
Beloved and I only see each other about 4-5 times a year. We budget to fly to see each other - that is a financial priority for which we sacrifice. We talk on the phone every single day, often more than once. And we text and email each other constantly.

So far this has worked for us. It's not easy. In fact, it frequently sucks ass. Of course, there are no guarantees in any relationship and that's especially so for long distance ones. However, being far away is vastly better than the alternative - breaking up.

So my positive advice is to start talking now about how you and Mr. A and Indigo will maintain your connection.

However, you seem kind of startled that Mr. A wants to be in your life for a lifetime. Is this a new development? Would it be less startling if he was going to remain in your area?

You also seem to know about yourself that you may have trouble maintaining connection when a loved one is not in your face but when that person is around again, the connection returns. It certainly seems possible to maintain a healthy relationship with this kind of off-on again when in contact model. But I can also see where that kind of intermittent connection ultimately frays.

Think hard about if you are well-suited to be in long distance relationships - not everyone is and you may not be. And on pain of being all psychological, your concerns about Mr. A being monogamous and eventually wanting someone closer, might be partly a reflection of your own worries about maintaining a long distance relationship.

But you have the time and love needed to figure this out.
 
I guess I wonder how separated a mono might have to be to lose enough connection that they are able to form a new one?

It's ok to generalize some times when you are looking for an answer.

As a mono, and a sailor, I was separated from my ex wife for long spans of time; six month blocks or 200 days away througout the year. I was on missions though so it's not like I was integrating into a new community and forming a new social circle.

When I left home I was still in a relationship with the woman I had an affair with but because she was very busy with other aspects of her life I began to lose that connection. There was other circumstances that made me distant from her but by the time RP came along we had not seen each other for any amount of time in 4 months. I had formed a new social circle and was open for a new connection to form with someone. In came Redpepper and, being mono as I am, the final remnants of romantic connection with this other woman were swept away. That's how it works for me..no overlap, no division of affection. I still have loving concern for my ex wife and this other woman but it is the kind of love that I have for dear friends.

I have plenty of friends who have left thier family for one or two year periods because they didn't want to disrupt the entire family for a military posting. They would come home every month or so just like a LDR I guess. They didn't wander (I'm sure some do and know a couple who have).

Mr A is going to a place to build a career and a lot of newness will also come into his life in the area of social circles and friends. But how his heart will respond only he knows...and even he doesn't know that yet as he hasn't experienced this situation in reality.

IMHO "To generalize"...a mono person in a social circle far from thier loved one is likely to form a new connection just like a poly person. There is, however, a lot more mono identified partners that they are likely to pair up with....which creates difficulty for a mono/poly situation. There is another part of this question when I put myself in his hypothetical shoes: he knows you have a husband and will likely have other lovers...so how much does he truly feel his absence in your life will impact you? Somewhere deep inside does he feel that you will find others to fill any void he creates? I think about this...I still can't relate to the loss of one partner in a multi-partnered relationship being as severe as the loss of one in a mono realtionship.

Tuff questions my friend. I wouldn't bother thinking about them and just trust that we end up exaclty where we are all meant to be for some reason.
 
Thank you, both of you.

I am not startled that he wants to be together for the long haul. I certainly feel the same. I guess I am startled that he says this, but sees real distance (we're currently only 2 hours apart) as no obstacle to this goal. Well, as a much much smaller obstacle than I do.

He has told me before that I need to stop treating poly as a handicap to our relationship, as it were. Smart man. It does make some things more difficult. But perhaps not so bad as I see it in my head.

There is another part of this question when I put myself in his hypothetical shoes: he knows you have a husband and will likely have other lovers...so how much does he truly feel his absence in your life will impact you? Somewhere deep inside does he feel that you will find others to fill any void he creates? I think about this...I still can't relate to the loss of one partner in a multi-partnered relationship being as severe as the loss of one in a mono realtionship.

We have been over this. He has said that it must not be "as bad" as if he was my only relationship. I told him, "I have four cats. If one dies, I'm going to be pretty darn upset. One does not replace another." I think he understands it logically, but probably doesn't fully get it. Still.

I don't think he will form the types of social connections that can lead to relationships when he moves. He has been in his current location for about 6 months and doesn't have friends outside work. Really, has only one friend that he hangs out with outside of work. His profession has very low rates of employment for women. (I mean, LOW. I work in IT and I am saying LOW. ;)) He will live in remote, small towns, and has expressed to me a certain ... bias against the stereotypical remote, small town resident. He tends to do most of his "socializing" online. Has a lot of long distance friendships, actually.

I need to wait. Wait, enjoy what we have, and not put expectations on what we will have. And not compare it with what we "could" (in my mind) have.

On the plus side, it's going to be a real treat having him live with us. He's been up for extended visits the last few weekends, and is up this week for work, and it's just NICE. Another person to help around the house, someone else to talk to, someone that Indigo and I both just get along with. It will be additional income in the form of rent, which is also never a bad thing! I feel very good about the impending roommate arrangement. :) I just don't want to get too attached to that arrangement.
 
I think he's living with us ...

It occured to me yesterday that Mr. A didn't go home after his last visit. Not in a bad way. It's just, he came up and stayed. His clothes are here, his computer is here, his toiletries, etc. He still has to offically "move in" because his bed and whatnot is in the other city. But everything else he cares about has made its way to our home.

Yeah ... very odd. I thought it would feel different. We're all just going on about life, no clap of thunder or anything like that.

Yeah ... haha. I can't stress how strangely uneventful it feels. :rolleyes:
 
Yeah ... haha. I can't stress how strangely uneventful it feels. :rolleyes:

I experienced the same thing although I'm in a separate suite. The excitement of painting and shaping a new space overode any other feelings. I think that uneventful feeling is much better than some reality blurring NRE.
 
I experienced the same thing although I'm in a separate suite. The excitement of painting and shaping a new space overode any other feelings.

Indigo and I got the spare room tidied up. It previously had some of our stuff in it, with a blow up mattress and Mr. A's things crammed into where ever they'd fit.

I cleared out the closet, hung up his clothes, Indigo put up a curtain rod and proper curtain (has blinds, but Mr. A can't sleep in when it's light) and moved the computer ... I then rearranged the room, added a nightstand and lamp, since anything bigger than clothing has not yet made the trip, and remade the bed. It's the first time that room has looked like a bedroom since we moved in. I really like it. I had been worried until then that the space would not be enough for him, but it's very nice. I would certainly live in it, so I feel comfortable with him living in it.

I think that uneventful feeling is much better than some reality blurring NRE.

Yes, those were my thoughts, too.


Indigo has been quite wonderful ... he's putting a new lighting fixture in that room today. He let Mr. A know and checked that it was okay for him to go into the room.

Actually, I'm happy that we're all being cognizant of each other's space. I slept in the master bedroom last night, and this morning I tapped at Mr. A's door. He didn't answer, so I went downstairs, turned the coffee on, and a little while later sent him a text asking if he wanted me to bring coffee. He said yes. He also said I am always welcome in his room, but I will certainly be knocking when the door is closed. Our house isn't small (1400 sq. ft.), but could easily feel that way if we're not careful.
 
Very cool update TP. Indigo is a gem and Mr A seems like a rare find as well. Keep them secret, keep them safe :)
 
*warm fuzzies*

I am happy. Everyone is happy.

Indigo is off for the summer (school board employee). He's been doing lots of little and not-so-little things around the house that have just been sort of collecting. It's such a relief to know he's taking care of things here while I'm at work. If I made more money, I would love to have him home all the time (and he would, too). I love my househusband. :)

Mr. A has had a few days off of work. He's been helping Indigo. It's wonderful. I get updates throughout the day about what they're doing and their little jokes. Indigo is putting in that extra bit of effort to let me know he's happy with the living arrangements, too. He's told Mr. A that he's very happy to have him with us. Mr. A has said he's happy to be with us.

I know Mr. A is stressing about money. He's working, but not much, and hasn't been paid yet. Indigo and I are supporting him with everyday things, while his parents are covering larger expenses, such as his recent car repair. He must feel like he'll never be on top of it all right now. We all agreed on a number for rent, but when he's not bringing money in, and he's obviously not spending frivolously the money he does have, we are sympathetic. Indigo has lost his job a couple of times since we've been together, due to circumstances beyond his control, (the most epic loss was two hours after we signed our mortgage papers for the house; luckily my salary was enough to secure the funding), so he has a lot of compassion from his own experiences.

That said, we certainly aren't going to let Mr. A martyr himself (and by extension us) for his chosen career. We told him straight up when the moving discussions occurred that we would give him three months free, but then he was expected to find another job, ANY job, that would allow him to contribute to the household in a financial way. And true to his word, he's found a flexible full-time job that he will be starting August 1. And that's way ahead of schedule. He's an honorable man.

I know moving someone in when they're not financially independent is generally a bad idea, but I think we've done a good job of it. And you know what? I'm proud of us. This isn't exactly something there's an instruction manual on.

I know I had more to say, but I'm pretty frazzled right now. My only complaint has been the terrible sleep I've been having. Not only am I getting used to someone else's sleep schedule when I sleep with Mr. A, I am moving back and forth between two very different beds - a blow up mattress (granted a nice one) and a super-comfy Serta. Oh, and Indigo and I just replaced our mattress, so the super-comfy Serta is the opposite of our hard, lumpy, ten year old previous mattress. :(

Right now, I've been trying a schedule of alternating nights between the men. (I don't have my own bed, which I could invite them to. Not an option. We don't have the space.) I'm wondering if I need to change that schedule to every two nights. That would at least give me time to get reacquainted with the bed on the first night, and a better sleep on the second. Not sure. If anyone reading has suggestions, or would like to enlighten me as to their own schedules, it would be much appreciated.

The men are happy with a 50/50 split, and however that's split (two days for one, two for the other, or every other night) they don't mind. They've said whatever I need to feel the best is fine with them. Damn, look at all this communication! Haha.

There will be more posts to follow, when I have the time and can properly frame my thoughts, about the progress Indigo and I are making toward becoming sexually intimate again. Regular readers will have picked up on issues from both of us in the past. About two months ago we decided to try counseling, and it's helping. Slow and steady; we're not in immediate danger, only if we let things fester and aren't actively working on our relationship. Not to worry. We will fix this. There is much love between us and complete willingness to work at it and be patient. I couldn't ask for more!
 
I am happy. Everyone is happy.

I know I had more to say, but I'm pretty frazzled right now. My only complaint has been the terrible sleep I've been having. Not only am I getting used to someone else's sleep schedule when I sleep with Mr. A, I am moving back and forth between two very different beds - a blow up mattress (granted a nice one) and a super-comfy Serta. Oh, and Indigo and I just replaced our mattress, so the super-comfy Serta is the opposite of our hard, lumpy, ten year old previous mattress. :(

Right now, I've been trying a schedule of alternating nights between the men. (I don't have my own bed, which I could invite them to. Not an option. We don't have the space.) I'm wondering if I need to change that schedule to every two nights. That would at least give me time to get reacquainted with the bed on the first night, and a better sleep on the second. Not sure. If anyone reading has suggestions, or would like to enlighten me as to their own schedules, it would be much appreciated.

The men are happy with a 50/50 split, and however that's split (two days for one, two for the other, or every other night) they don't mind. They've said whatever I need to feel the best is fine with them. Damn, look at all this communication! Haha.

There will be more posts to follow, when I have the time and can properly frame my thoughts, about the progress Indigo and I are making toward becoming sexually intimate again. Regular readers will have picked up on issues from both of us in the past. About two months ago we decided to try counseling, and it's helping. Slow and steady; we're not in immediate danger, only if we let things fester and aren't actively working on our relationship. Not to worry. We will fix this. There is much love between us and complete willingness to work at it and be patient. I couldn't ask for more!

FUNNY STUFF IN BOLD! This cracked me up...the sleeping problems, the description of the mattresses, the fact that was the complaint...I love it! Can't wait to read about you and Indigo's progress on intimacy etc. Living vicariously here, and hoping this happens for me someday!;)
 
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