struggling relationship

QuestioningMono

New member
I don't see the benefits to me, as the mono in a poly relationship. All I see and am getting is grief, pain and anger. I have tried time after time to understand, and each time it has backfired... leaving me more dead inside.
 
For me, the benefits...

Each romantic relationship I have had has been very different from the others. I miss some aspect of pretty much each of my previous relationships. What poly lets me do is have more relationships at once, and can therefore experience those differences, without having to "give up" an aspect of them.

I love to love, and be in love. Having two people in my life allows me to be MORE in love, and be loved more, too. We look out for each other, too, so there is a level of support structure there which couldn't be equalled by less close friends.

I can explore more of my interests, because I have more folks to share them with. Again, something I could do with friends, but doing it with someone you love makes it that much more special.

The other one, I suppose, because I feel that I am "wired poly" it lets me be me. I was miserable trying to be monogamous, and those that loved me kind of knew it.

@QuestioningMono: I have heard similar things to what you wrote before. I am the poly part of a mono/poly relationship (my mono partner is not on here) so have asked her in the past what she gets out of it. Her answer is that she gets to be with someone she loves and cares about and can see that this poly relationship style makes me happy. I have asked her before whether she would be happier if I were monogamous, and she said something along the lines of "yes, of course, but you're NOT, and I don't want to change you - you are who you are. I certainly wouldn't want you to ACT monogamous because I know you would be unhappy." The activities of working through our poly-related relationship issues has actually strengthened our relationship (which has lasted nearly 20 years now) and given us much better tools for us to deal with the everyday issues that come up. I think that we have more quality time now than we did when we were "monogamous". I won't pretend that it's all "up-side" or a bed of roses, but we make it work.
 
I've tried and tried to do this, to make/keep him happy... I just can't. I am not happy with what he wants... as if i'm not enough. The more he talks to her, the more I get upset.

When he takes time from me, I can see/feel he wants to be with her or talk about her.

Saw her RL... the look on his face when he looked at her, watched her ... it crushed me... because I "never" saw that look in his eyes.

Is it even really worth it???
 
Benefits that I see for my family are that there are two strong men to protect and provide for ourselves and our children, thus taking some stress off each of us individually. It also makes it even more practical for me to work from home. While I make only half of what each of my men makes each year, I am home when a child is sick, I happily do the laundry, dishes, cleaning, even mowing the yard, so that when my men come home, they are free to relax and do things they love to do instead of having to share in household chores. They can come home to a beautiful home with happy children and dinner on the table.

As the poly person in our V, I also feel the completeness of loving to my capacity (or at least close to it) that Redpepper spoke of. I have been in so many relationships where my partner felt like he was running himself ragged and would eventually come to the conclusion that I was, “too much woman for one man to handle!” At which point I would tearfully leave said partner in search of that special person who COULD handle me all by themselves; only, that person really may not exist.

I also have a sex drive that most men over 25 have trouble keeping up with, so there is another practical way for them to “share the burden” :)
 
@Questioning: It would be wrong of me to say I'm in a poly relationship, because this is all really new to me. But the "concept" doesn't scare my wife.

Basically...I have a close friend that I have some competing feelings for. Attraction competes with wanting to protect and keep safe. It was difficult to explain to my wife at first, but she gets it now.

To borrow my new favorite metaphor...relationships are like paintings. The feelings we have for people are the colors on the palette, and how we act on those feelings shapes the painting itself. My close friend, for instance - my wife knows exactly how I feel about her. I just told her everything. Of course, I told her how I feel about HER, too! Once you understand that nothing is black and white, nothing is shades, everything is just a gigantic blend of color, you can understand a little better.

I just deleted a lot more blah-blah, it's in my initial post here and I don't really need to repeat it.

What I'll say is, I don't care about calling myself one thing or another now. I had some feelings for someone that are real, I felt guilty about it because of how my wife would feel. We talked about it, the hows, the whys...it wasn't all easy, and some hurt came out from both parties. But now I have a close friend who happens to be female and...I'm free to care about her and love her, without hurting my wife. And that's a big deal to me.
 
@QuestioningMono your partner is experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE) which can make people act like love struck teenagers, but it doesn't mean that he loves you any less! Since he has known you so much longer, just think how much more mature your relationship is. You know each other on a much deeper level and he still wants to MARRY you! Who knows if his new relationship will stand the test of time, but he feels that yours will, and that really says something.
 
What I'm afraid of, is that I won't be able to accept that he loves her.. loves another, wants to be physically intimate, not just on an emotional basis with her.

In the past, he would pitch a fit if I even mentioned someone was interested in me. I look at this as ... there's no way he'd accept me wanting to be with someone else, yet he "needs" to... excuse my French ... 'fuck' around with someone else.

I feel he's being hypocritical... because NOW ... he says he wouldn't have an issue with it.. wouldn't like it too much, but would understand.

I'm angry... I feel like he's giving me a bunch of BS just to justify what he "wants/needs" against my pain.

I'm stuck... so close to saying it's over... and he doesn't even seem to care.
 
oh you make me sound so good monoVCPG.... heh :)
The benefits of poly for me are that I have an outlet to loving more. I am a very loving person and found in the past that I have much more to give of it than my monogamous relationships allowed. I found myself misunderstood by my partners and friends and felt trapped and held back from loving and actively caring and being compassionate for people. Loving for me is very much given in terms of physical intimacy as much as emotional and intellectual intimacy.
In my poly relationships I feel like I finally am able to feel completely at my capacity :)
Not only this but it means I have a big family and will hopefully never be alone. Something I fear.

This. Although how I prefer to express this (in a triad rather than in a more branched-out relationship, which just isn't me) is different, the feeling is the same.
 
What I'm afraid of, is that I won't be able to accept that he loves her.. loves another, wants to be physically intimate, not just on an emotional basis with her.

In the past, he would pitch a fit if I even mentioned someone was interested in me. I look at this as ... there's no way he'd accept me wanting to be with someone else, yet he "needs" to... excuse my French ... 'fuck' around with someone else.

I feel he's being hypocritical... because NOW ... he says he wouldn't have an issue with it.. wouldn't like it too much, but would understand.

I'm angry... I feel like he's giving me a bunch of BS just to justify what he "wants/needs" against my pain.

I'm stuck... so close to saying it's over... and he doesn't even seem to care.

I think you are reading him right my friend. I think I would back away, find something that suits how you want love expressed to you. If that is intimate/emotional and sexual exclussivity than follow your heart. Short term pain for a long term gain. If you do decide to stay I would recommend a very, very long engagement that includes experiencing him having another relationship to truly see how it feels. I get a sense that his proposal is a way to "possess" you and provide him with more security and therefore better control to "do what he wants".

But I could be full of shit :eek:
 
I think I agree with Mono after reading Questioning's last post. If he gets jealous over others being interested in you, but wants what he wants whenever he wants it, that is not an appropriate poly point of view. Now, perhaps because of what he is currently experiencing, he would now be fine with others being interested in you also. You don't have to actually want an outside relationship to simply ask him if it is ok for you to see other people now as well. His reaction to that question would let you know if he is for real, or trying to manipulate you.
 
Just a few weeks ago, to a month.. he would get upset when I was talking to a gentelman in MD. Got jealous, asked all sorts of questions. I was friendly with the other man. Because my SO got upset, I stopped talking to the other man.

Now, because he has "her" in his life, when I mentioned that the other man would like to meet up with me .. now.. he all of a sudden says, even though he would like it he wouldn't keep me from doing it.

I think he only said that to keep on doing what he's doing... I have a feeling that if I ever called him on what I consider a bluff... he'd be very upset and possessive.

In our 4 years of knowing each other, he's been "very" possessive of me and who I talk to. But now.. he's changed 180 degrees.

*shakes my head* I am so confused it's not funny... *sighs*
 
Yes, that is what I believe. I have thought of that. I travel to MD quite often, at least once a month.. have never met this other man in RL. Never planned on it. I am "soooo" tempted to let the other man know that I'll be in town in a few weeks... let my SO know I'm going to meet up with this other man, just to see how he will react. Even if it is just for coffee.

My presumption is that my SO will blow a gasket.. and if he does, I can say "NOW" you know how I feel, have felt about "her".

Fact of the matter is... even if I care about someone else, I would never "do" anything because I feel like I'd be cheating. Even though I know "her", the looks he gives her that I never see him showing me... or the constant mentioning of her ... breaks my heart.
 
This is kind of off-topic for this thread (and maybe the mods could split this to a seperate topic), so...

@QM: I would advise against doing something out of spite or to "test" your partner - down that road lies all sorts of ruin.

But if the two of you have agreed that your relationship will allow others in and if you want to meet up with this person and think you would enjoy spending some time with someone, then why not?

Have the two of you talked about boundaries at all? Things like safer sex expectations, and things like that? (and I don't just mean for you, but for him too)

The gut feeling I have from reading your posts is that things are kind of spiralling out of control in your relationship right now, that you don't know where you stand and that maybe just adding more chaos into the mix won't actually solve anything.

Mono/poly can work out if that is what each partner wants. If it is dictated by one of the partners ("I can have more than one, but you're not allowed to") then that tends to lead to bad feelings of unfairness.

I believe that part of the growing process is very much understanding what you do and don't want for yourself. The next step is to communicate it to the partner that you love and have made a commitment to. This is hard when worlds suddenly start opening up and you don't really know what you want, but then the process should be one that the couple take together, rather at odds with each other.

For me, I tend to like things to go slower, making sure that everyone is OK, before anything else is undertaken.
 
If you want to meet this man for coffee, you should, and you should tell your boyfriend. Not JUST to see his reaction, but because that is how it is done. If you were meeting a female for coffee to compare art portfolios, you'd probably tell your boyfriend about that too. it shouldn't matter WHY, if you're meeting a new person in another town, it's NATURAL to share these things with your SO. I met several people from this forum and none of them were "dates" (well Mags was a "coffee" date ;) ) but I told my husband "Hey so-and-so from that forum is gonna be in town and we're getting together for whatever". It's perfectly normal to talk about your life. But if he DOES get jealous-sounding over that, there's your "red-flag".

ETA: Looks like CDM just said the same thing while I was writing this.
 
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Well... on the drive home ... we carpool ... he told me how he was feeling, that I was cornering him, closing him in a corner.

He made a decision... told me to get my finances together .. basically .. and look for an apartment to move to.

Yes, you read that correctly ... after a 4 plus year off and on relationship, and after telling me he wanted to marry me ... he is choosing "her" over me, and is kicking me to the curb.
 
So sorry QM....but it sounds like he wasn't worth the time you have put in. Think of it as a lucky escape? There are some great real genuine poly people out there, I know coz I married one.
 
This is kind of off-topic for this thread (and maybe the mods could split this to a seperate topic), so...

@QM: I would advise against doing something out of spite or to "test" your partner - down that road lies all sorts of ruin.

But if the two of you have agreed that your relationship will allow others in and if you want to meet up with this person and think you would enjoy spending some time with someone, then why not?

Have the two of you talked about boundaries at all? Things like safer sex expectations, and things like that? (and I don't just mean for you, but for him too)

The gut feeling I have from reading your posts is that things are kind of spiralling out of control in your relationship right now, that you don't know where you stand and that maybe just adding more chaos into the mix won't actually solve anything.

Mono/poly can work out if that is what each partner wants. If it is dictated by one of the partners ("I can have more than one, but you're not allowed to") then that tends to lead to bad feelings of unfairness.

I believe that part of the growing process is very much understanding what you do and don't want for yourself. The next step is to communicate it to the partner that you love and have made a commitment to. This is hard when worlds suddenly start opening up and you don't really know what you want, but then the process should be one that the couple take together, rather at odds with each other.

For me, I tend to like things to go slower, making sure that everyone is OK, before anything else is undertaken.

I'm not sure what you want split off Ceil... maybe you could start a thread yourself?

Mono poly relationships take more work than any other I think... it's a HUGE job and in no way is anyone bad, wrong, copping out if they don't want to do it and just can't grasp why they should, but I am a bit wary of putting the blame on him entirely. There are plenty of men that want more than one woman and struggle with them having another man in their lives... its called a one penis policy (OPP) it sounds like this has been his take in the past for you. Now that he understands that one can love more than one, he wants you to know he has changed his opinion and wants you to have the same thing... trouble is that he is struggling to actually put that into practice.

really, you have every right to not chose this path, but you may be missing out on some huge lessons in deciding that. Your pain is valid and part of a process to get to a point of comfort.... the process is full of self discovery and can bring you to a place that you didn't know existed with in you... a place of loving more and accepting others more, including yourself. this doesn't mean you have to be poly, but it means that you will be independent yet merged with people who love you entirely and for everything you are... you will love them also for what they bring to your life.

If I were in your situation I would start reading, promoting his reading also. Start talking about what you read together. Find stories and situations that are similar to yourselves and follow them through to see what people have learned and how they have come to where they are today... not all of them end well, but some do. What do you have to lose? You could leave a 4 year relationship, that would be a loss, or you could learn something. You could still find that your relationship ends, but at least you will have learned something.

Your man sounds like he is in his NRE stage of his relationship. Maybe start with a search on here by looking at tags and stickies to see what you come up with. There is a lot to look at... then you could look at mono/poly tags... also a lot...

I would suggest not throwing the baby out with the bath water just yet. It sounds to me like there could be more to be gained by seeing what you discover.
 
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It is over. I've moved to the 2nd bedroom.. everything except my clothes from the closet and dresser are gone. He even brought a pair of my flipflops that had slid under the dresser in... just in spite.

He does "not" care, at all about how I am feeling. He is living by his "other head" and can't see what he's had right in front of his face.

I am here -- she is long distance.

I give him "everything" except asking what he wants to do when online. FFS!!

What the hell... i am just a friggen body... well.. he can have her... I'm done. he has made his choice.. let him choke on it
 
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