Trying to correct my colossal screw-up

stonebreaker

New member
Hi,

I am here because I am looking to repair my colossal screw-up. I cheated on my wife of 25 years. She caught me, and now we are trying to recover.

Over the last few days, as we have discussed my atrocious behavior, we have communicated more than I think we have in the last decade. Because of this, she is willing to consider an open relationship with the other woman, with me as the "fulcrum", as I believe it is called. She is willing to tolerate, and even admitted to being a little turned on by, the thought of me with another woman.

I am blessed by having the most wonderful wife in the world. The other woman, call her 'U' in deference to Noble's article, is just as amazing, because she is also willing to consider this arrangement.

I have discovered that continuing this arrangement with these women is extremely important to me, because I love them both. Each fills gaps that the other does not. If I can figure out how to make this work, I think I will be happier than I can ever remember being.

So I need your help. I realize that this arrangement will not work without meeting the needs of everyone involved. I want my wife to say, in six months, that this was one of the best things we have ever done. I want U to say the same thing. I want to make sure that they are as happy with this arrangement as I am. I love making my wife happy. I love making my U happy. If I can make them both happy at the same time, I will be in hog heaven. My ultimate goal here would be to end up with two equal wives, all of us living in one house.

I don't know if it is significant, but we are all in our 40's. As I said, my wife and I have been married for 25 years. My U was married for about 20 years before divorcing 5 or 6 years ago.

So what pitfalls do I need to look out for? What issues will I need to address first with these women? They have not met each other yet, other than to read each others' texts to me. My wife said that she has a good impression of U because U, in a series of texts to me, tried to take the blame for the affair and apologized for hurting my wife, even though she had never met her. After the way I behaved towards my wife, I deserve to be kicked in the nuts. Multiple times. Instead, this wonderful woman is willing to consider a relationship with the other woman, in order to make me happy. I want her to be just as happy. I want U, whom I've known since the 5th grade, to be just as happy. Both women want to meet each other, so I was going to set something up for this weekend.

-Stonebreaker
 
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You are one lucky soab that your wife is into it and the girlfriend too. Plenty of People come on here and go, "i cheated, i was caught, but i realized i'm actuallu poly so it's ok! How do i get my partner to let me try it" or "my partner cheated & got caught. Now they say it's because they are poly. They want to date other people, and they want me to try. I'm not into that, but i don't want to break up either. What should i do?"

You have been lucky to get past both of those hurdles, plus the additional hurdle of "finding someone to date who is ok with dating a married person".

Even though you started out by cheating, it sounds like you accomplished what many people who start off the "right" way never seem to get - choosing partners who are not only compatible with you, but with each other to whatever degree is "ok".

Do yourselves all a favor and drink plenty of water.
 
If you're looking for potential pitfalls I'm gonna tell you right away don't ever say that one fills holes the other doesn't ever again.

Ok that could just be my opinion but as someone coming from a somewhat similar story I winced.

Maybe that is true for you and maybe these two woman could handle knowing that. Personally I look at my two relationships as two people I would want to be with if the other didn't exist. I imagine it would not feel great after 25 years of marriage to be told, hey you actually weren't filling all my holes all these years and now this other person does but don't worry you fill holes she doesn't too YAY! I can't tell you how much time I have spent trying to make sure my husband knows the reason I have another relationship is NOT because he wasn't enough. I guess for me that is true. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Next slow way way down. You might be imagining all of you living together in that equal harmonious home but they have never met. That fantasy is a long way off IF it ever happens. Tell yourself this now and you'll save yourself a lot of frustration and many many mistakes pushing for something none of you are ready for. Manage all of your expectations. Unless your wife has been sitting around secretly wishing for this to come along and U just happens to end up being the best friend she's ever met or something, it seems pretty unlikely she is going to see this as the best thing you've ever done together. Even if she does, it won't be 6 months from now. Read around a bit in the blogs section. Relationships like this have growing pains. It's a whole new ballgame. Your ultimate measures of success just sound way too high right now. I'd be looking for things like no one cried today, it was a good day. :D

I get it, you are probably elated this possibility is even on the table. For me this is the happiest I've ever been and at times the worst pain I've ever felt. It is far from all heaven all the time. Thats the advice the struck me immediately, slow down, manage your expectations.
 
If you're looking for potential pitfalls I'm gonna tell you right away don't ever say that one fills holes the other doesn't ever again.

Ok that could just be my opinion but as someone coming from a somewhat similar story I winced.

I think that depends. I feel the same way in my relationships. There's lots of overlap, but there are certain things that my wife provides that T reacts negatively to (sports, able to talk about anything and have an interest in it, long term planning), and vice versa (classic books, non-vanilla sex, society).

As with anything it is much in the way it is phrased.
 
I have experienced a very similar situation. My husband cheated on me. I knew something wasn't quite right and I gradually gathered evidence and worked out exactly what was going on. There was a lot to sort out in my head and I experienced a whole range of emotions; I was hurt, angry and confused, but in a way it was a relief to be dealing with reality rather than lies and suspicions. I gave myself time to think things through before I confronted my husband. I could tell that he cared very much about the other woman (C) and it was clear that she cared for him too.

I told my husband that if there was to be any chance of working things out I needed him to tell me the whole truth about everything that had happened. It was hard to hear some of it but it helped me to understand why it had happened and I think it made him realise how much he had hurt me. I decided to accept the relationship if he could promise absolute honesty from that point onwards. That was three years ago, it didn't work out as I expected, C and I have become very close and what I thought would be a V is much more like a triangle, each of us is very important to the other two and each of us plays an important part in making the relationship work and supporting the other two.

To answer your questions I think you need to change the way you are thinking about this situation. It is not all about you, there are three people involved in this and all their needs need to be met not just yours. So far doing it your way has achieved an emotional mess and you are very lucky that you have not lost both of these women. Don't 'set something up for the weekend' give each woman the email address and phone number of the other then take a back seat and leave them to contact each other and get to know each other in their own way and their own time. if anything more is ever going to happen they need to become friends and build up trust in each other and you need to give them space to do that. The worse thing you could do is to try to rush things. Your wife will need lots of time and reassurance from you, so for now devote most of your time and effort to your wife and remember that U has feelings too and she will also need reassurance. Most important of all no more lies!
 
Hi stonebreaker,
Welcome to our forum.

There is a great deal to learn about what to and what not to do. This site is replete with valuable info. Take some time and read some of our threads; you might wtart with the Golden Nuggets board since it references some of the most important stuff.

You are indeed one lucky man. Take some time to count your blessings and show appreciation to both of the women in your life. Like the others have said, don't be in a hurry to make anything happen. There are still many hurdles to overcome.

I hope everything continues to go well, and that this site proves helpful.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I read what you guys said, and you are right. I did not think they were ready to meet each other. But my wife requested the meeting, and U agreed to it. Today my wife asked me to call U so she could meet her, so I did. It went amazingly well. So they both want to meet each other. I thought this would take a while, but they both seem to want to like each other as soon as possible. I was not expecting things to go so fast.

I'm kind of nervous. I expected, after what happened, that this would take weeks or months while everyone got over being hurt. But they want to meet each other now.

I also went and talked to a therapist today about the situation. I liked her very much. After I had described how these women make me feel, before I even asked a question about it, she recommended finding a polyamory support group. She also offered to counsel us as a group, although I think that might be a little premature. But she was very supportive.

So now I am supposed to set up a dinner date for the three of us tomorrow night. I want these women to become friends. I'm hoping all I have to do is introductions and then sit back and let them talk. I don't know much about being a mediator. I was thinking that we should get a table, so that everyone has their own side, rather than a booth where I would have to sit on one side or the other. Opinions?

evad, I agree with you. While kkxvlv has a point about not hurting feelings, the fact is that these women are complementary, not identical twins. My wife is a classic type 'A', driven and running her own company. U is just the opposite, passive and laid back. When I was cheating, when my wife's aggressive personality was driving me nuts, I would go see U and she would calm me down and lower my blood pressure. I was then able to go back to my wife and appreciate her sharp wit and aggressive drive without banging my head against the wall.

I don't have a problem taking my time. I want everyone to be happy. I understand that if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I now have two mommas to make happy.
 
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"I was thinking that we should get a table, so that everyone has their own side, rather than a booth where I would have to sit on one side or the other. Opinions?"

Although in a booth you could sit in the middle, I suppose a table has more options for more kinds of configurations.

As long as everyone is eager to move forward with these get-togethers, there doesn't seem to be a problem with doing them. Just communicate a lot and make sure you know what everyone wants.
 
Do you think you and your wife should be addressing the issue that or issues that caused the cheating? If this isn't addressed it could cause more problems between the two of you in the future. it isn't all that easy to say "I cheated and now the ladies accepted it and we're all doing great"... There is a reason that you cheated and adding another woman isn't going to solve the reason for the cheating.
 
Hope all goes well at dinner.
 
Could start here.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

My ultimate goal here would be to end up with two equal wives, all of us living in one house.

Could ask yourself what a "harmonious polyship for the next year" could be.
Could ask them what THEIR goals or idea of a "harmonious polyship" could be.

Because you are not a solo player who gets to pick for all. Do you all even want the same open relationship model? Could stop to check in on that when you meet.

Maybe you want a polyfidelitious 3 people only circle. Maybe "open" to them means something else. Calibrate your vocab and get on the same page.

You have that as an ultimate goal... but could also ask THEM what THEIR ultimate goals are. Maybe the goals all match -- maybe not so much. Not the time to hold back -- spill it all on the table and see what you all have there. What lines up and what does not.

Pitfalls? Try here:


The biggest pitfall to me is thinking this is already the polyship. It isn't. This is "My wife and cheating affair partner are willing to entertain ending the "2 person marriage" and ending the "2 person cheating affair" and talk about creating a new relationship called a "3 people polyship instead."

This is just you all figuring out the details of the new offer on the table. Nobody's signed up for it just yet.

You may come to find in negotiation that "nope... nobody can agree on the mission or shape of the potential 3 people polyship. We cannot agree on how we want to be together and how to handle conflict resolution or meet everyone's needs in a way all can feel mostly happy."

So then the conversation has to change topic. "3 people thing NOT gonna fly. NOT compatible players. NOW what?"

You may find you need to meet several times to cover all that ground. Could take the time to do it well -- since you have to mend trust and start building a new trust.

I hope for your sake it works out. But even if it doesn't -- could thank them for being willing to entertain it to begin with. Not many people get that chance after an affair.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Do you think you and your wife should be addressing the issue that or issues that caused the cheating? If this isn't addressed it could cause more problems between the two of you in the future. it isn't all that easy to say "I cheated and now the ladies accepted it and we're all doing great"... There is a reason that you cheated and adding another woman isn't going to solve the reason for the cheating.

You are absolutely correct. If you go back to my original post, you'll notice I mentioned seeing a therapist...
 
GalaGirl,

Thank you for making these observations. I'm already running into some of the issues you mentioned... but also, much less than I anticipated.

Since I came clean on Tuesday, my wife and I have probably spent more time talking about relationship issues than we have in the previous 25 years combined. So even if the triad doesn't work out, my wife and I are both committed to improving communication.

My wife is obviously still very much hurt and in pain. But she insisted on meeting U as soon as possible. U is simply stunned that she still gets to see me, and she wants to meet my wife as well, so she agreed to the meeting. We met for dinner last night in Fort Worth.

Dinner went like this: The first five minutes everyone was awkward, then came 15 minutes of small talk, then about the time the food came out, all the feelings came pouring out. The two women talked nonstop for two hours. I think I may have said 10 words the whole time. By the end of dinner, the two were starting to be friends, and we even went for a horse-drawn carriage ride to continue the discussion. It was supposed to be about 20 minutes, but as I said, the women were discussing the situation, as budding friends now, and that carriage driver was getting an earful, and I think the carriage ride went about 45 minutes. :D

The particulars that came out of last night, in no particular order, are:

1) that while my wife is still very hurt by the lying, she was actually not bothered by the sex.

2) While my wife is not sure yet that she wants to remain in the relationship, she is intrigued by the suggested arrangement and agreed to give it a year before she made a final decision.

3) U is having difficulty grasping the concept of a romantic relationship involving more than a couple. She does not quite see this as a... triad? but more as two couples sharing the male. We are trying to get her to understand that while she and my wife may not have sex, they do need to develop emotional intimacy with each other.

3a) Neither woman is bi or is interested in sex with the other. But we spent considerable effort emphasizing to U that if this relationship is going to work, the two women would need to build trust and emotional intimacy. We had a difficult time convincing U that 'emotional intimacy' was not code for lesbian sex. She finally grasped the concept after a texting conversation with my wife this morning.

We have a lot of work cut out for us, but I'm encouraged by the progress so far.
 
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I would also add that you might want to slow down. Your wife just found out about the affair six days ago, and though she was insistent about meeting the other woman, she is grieving. Grieving for the change in her marriage, grieving over your affair, and everything else. She probably wanted to "size up" the competition.

I am glad the meeting went well, but there is a lot to do. Your wife is hurting, and I do believe counselling is needed. While you may have high hopes of your wife and girlfriend (?) being the best of friends in say six months and eventually living together, wounds have to heal. Sometimes an apology is just not good enough. Believe me when I say that it is an adjustment to go from a mono relationship to having a poly relationship. Communication is a constant. Be prepared to deal with timing issues. There are only 24 hours in the day, and they do not stretch. They each have needs. Both relationships have needs. It becomes a balancing act. Impossible? No. Challenging? Yes.

If I were you, I would look into counselling like now. Your wife might not realise it due to it being clouded by hurt, but some trust has been lost. No one likes being lied to or cheated on, and I agree with Nancy about needing to address the reasons for you stepping outside of the marriage.

It is not just I cheated and colour me poly now. Have you always thought you were suited to be ethically non-monogamous? If so, did you ever present the idea to your wife, or did you assume she would not go along with it?

Sending you good luck and well wishes. Consider yourself lucky. I do not know many wives who would be okay with any of this so soon after the revelation of an affair. I hope you know that you have a good thing at home, and she needs to be revered and treated as such.
 
We are trying to get her to understand that while she and my wife may not have sex, they do need to develop emotional intimacy with each other.

For some V arrangements, the best some metamours achieve is a respectful relationship. I wouldn't force friendship on either of them - they may be biting at it right now, because it helps alleviate the guilt, and because it may help them feel like it'll help them stay in this relationship with you if they go along with everything that's suggested (especially in U's case - she may just be so gobsmacked that she's "allowed" to still be in this relationship that she'll go along with anything).

Once the crazy emotions die down, they'll see if they can REALLY be friends. If they aren't able to, it isn't something you can force. A respectful relationship might be the best you can ask for - that they can talk to each other when needed (schedule conflicts, emergencies, etc.), and that they respect each others' needs enough to not trample each other - that they'll work together and with you to get everyone's needs met.

I say this from the perspective of having a metamour that REALLY REALLY wants to be close ("sister-like") with me, and I'm not feeling it. It sucks to hurt her feelings when she wants a closer relationship with me than I want with her, but you can't force those types of relationships. I can't, anyway, and I'm thankful that my partner isn't pressuring me to do so.

Good luck to all of you!

Edited to add that I had the same confusion U did at one point - when my partner insisted that his OSO "loves me" and wants to have a "close relationship," I instantly equated that to, "Oh no, she's in love with me." We since cleared that up, but boy did that lead to some interesting discussions.
 
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I would also add that you might want to slow down. Your wife just found out about the affair six days ago, and though she was insistent about meeting the other woman, she is grieving. Grieving for the change in her marriage, grieving over your affair, and everything else. She probably wanted to "size up" the competition.

You are not wrong there. Today was a 180 degree about face from both women. I spent an hour on the phone reassuring U and all lunch plus a couple of hours at home reassuring my wife that no one is being pushed aside. I'm finding that every word out of my mouth is being examined for any subliminal meaning and if there is an opportunity for offense, it is being taken. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but holy crap, I'm exhausted!

Yet despite the fragility of the situation, my wife referred to U as her little sister. Sincerely, not sarcastically.

I am glad the meeting went well, but there is a lot to do. Your wife is hurting, and I do believe counselling is needed. While you may have high hopes of your wife and girlfriend (?) being the best of friends in say six months and eventually living together, wounds have to heal. Sometimes an apology is just not good enough. Believe me when I say that it is an adjustment to go from a mono relationship to having a poly relationship. Communication is a constant. Be prepared to deal with timing issues. There are only 24 hours in the day, and they do not stretch. They each have needs. Both relationships have needs. It becomes a balancing act. Impossible? No. Challenging? Yes.

Again, you are right on the money. My wife has emailed the therapist I talked to the other day about scheduling a session. After each of us has a few individual sessions, I expect this will turn into relationship counseling. Probably will include U at some point as well. I like my therapist. A lot.

If I were you, I would look into counselling like now. Your wife might not realise it due to it being clouded by hurt, but some trust has been lost. No one likes being lied to or cheated on, and I agree with Nancy about needing to address the reasons for you stepping outside of the marriage.

No, the trust issue was a point from day one. But it is mitigated by 25 years of faithfulness. While I did slip, and that hurt must be healed, 25 years of faithfulness does count.

It is not just I cheated and colour me poly now. Have you always thought you were suited to be ethically non-monogamous? If so, did you ever present the idea to your wife, or did you assume she would not go along with it?

No. This is a new thing for all of us. We are actually fairly conservative Christians, and U is a Fundamentalist Christian. At some point after the poly solution occurred to me, U made the comment that polyamory did not fit her Christian morals. I did some research, and it turns out that there is no clear stricture against polyamory in the New Testament. What is definitely there, however, is Mark 10:11-12, which states that divorce, for any reason other than infidelity, is wrong. Period. I am guilty of infidelity. So if my wife finds she cannot accept the situation, she can divorce me if she chooses. I will not divorce her. As well as the teachings in the Bible, I simply do not believe divorce is the correct solution. In this case, divorce will simply lead to more hurt and pain for everyone.

I have been giving a lot of thought to why polyamory seems like the correct solution for this situation. Let me give you guys a quick background on the situation and see what you think.

I started dating U when I was in 5th grade. We would go to choir every Wednesday. We moved away as I was entering 8th grade. We stayed in touch through letters and an occasional visit through high school. I asked her to marry me when I was 19 and she was 18. She was not ready and turned me down. She felt that she could not deal with 4 more years of a distance relationship (I could not convince her that we could attend the same college - I was going to Rice University, she didn't think she could get in). So she broke up with me.

I met my future wife when I moved to the new town in 8th grade. We did not date until we were in college though. I guess maybe she caught me on the rebound from U. Anyway, we dated for 3 years, including a couple of break-ups. I finally decided things were not going to work and broke up with her for the final time. She then informed me she was pregnant. In the ensuing years, she admitted that she saw that I was going to break up and deliberately got pregnant. Being who I was and how I was raised, neither abortion nor abandoning my girlfriend was an option. My personal ethics allowed either adoption or marrying my girlfriend. I chose to marry my girl.

Fast forward 24 years. I guess we've had a normal marriage. But event after all this time, I am still angry about having the choice of mate taken out of my hands. It shouldn't matter at this point. But it does. I'm basically satisfied with my marriage, just still angry about not getting the choice.

So I find U on facebook. She lives about 90 miles away. You already know what happened.

I must have wanted to get caught. I used the same pin on my phone as our bank account. I get caught.

In the ensuing discussions with my wife, I admit how angry I am at her forcing me to marry her. To clarify, I am not actually angry at how my life turned out. She is a good person, and my marriage has been basically happy. But for some reason I don't quite understand, it still matters that I did not get the chance to choose my mate. I guess my wife feels guilty. She offers to step out of the way and let me have U. Well, that doesn't feel right either. 24 years is a long time, and we have built a strong relationship. If she chooses to divorce me, then fine; but I do not want to divorce her.

Somewhere the option of having a relationship with both women comes up. This is the correct solution, I feel it in my gut. I do not divorce my wife, but I also have the choice of choosing my mate. The option of choosing U somehow makes all the anger and resentment of getting forced to marry my wife, go away. Completely. If both women are willing to give this a shot, then this is the correct solution. Now I just have to figure out the morality of the situation.

As of right now, everyone has calmed down, and my wife is yakking on the phone with U. I don't understand it. This afternoon she was in tears feeling that U was replacing her. Now, she has stated that no matter what happens, she will be friends with U. I don't understand women.

Sending you good luck and well wishes. Consider yourself lucky. I do not know many wives who would be okay with any of this so soon after the revelation of an affair. I hope you know that you have a good thing at home, and she needs to be revered and treated as such.

There is still a lot of hurt and pain. But things sure look promising. I have the best wife in the world. I know it, and I'm bending over backwards to make sure my wife knows I know it.
 
You didn't have the choice "taken away" from you. You chose to marry "your girl" instead of not marrying her. You had a choice, and you chose.

I bet your therapist(s) would say the same thing.
 
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