My first (and possibly last) polyamorous relationship

samaki82

New member
I guess I don't know where to begin. I just have some things I need to get off my chest. I just got out of a polyamorous relationship that lasted a month or so. I was honest and open with him about my current relationship and what I was looking for. He seemed to be ok with it, even though he had never been in a non-monogamous relationship. At first, it was a little strange for him, but as time went on, he was getting a little more used to it. It was very difficult to get him to talk about his feelings. He would just say that nothing is wrong or he had nothing to say. The communication was definitely lacking on his part and that was a big problem. I wasn't always sensitive to my other partner's feelings either. I tried to keep it "even" with the both of them and make them both happy, but that proved to be a difficult task. I had had feelings for other men before, but never got into a relationship with them. I've been with my current boyfriend (and long-term partner) for 6 1/2 years. We are very close and share everything with each other. I never keep things from him and he does the same. I love our relationship, but part of me is almost "addicted" to the new relationship chemicals. I think that's why I tend to develop feelings for another man pretty fast, especially when we're intimate with each other. Anyway, I'm just ranting a bit to get my feelings and thoughts out. I'm interested to know if anyone has any thoughts on this. ;)
 
Um... what is it that you are trying to get at? It's hard to reply because it's so .... rambling...
 
Um... what is it that you are trying to get at? It's hard to reply because it's so .... rambling...

I was simply sharing my thoughts and part of my experience. I wasn't asking for advice or anything. I was simply wondering what people thought or if they had anything to share. It was meant to be very open-ended and "rambling" as you call it. ;) I'm just trying to work out my feelings about it.
 
OH, ok. ;)

You seemed to start off very upset, but then I got confused!!

That's ok. If you see my posts-some of them are so confusing rambles that I get lost re-reading them! The joys of journaling.

Personally I prefer to do it on here, because at least there is a chance SOMEONE can make sense of my mind-where as when I write in an actual journalbook-it's just me.

SO-we got off to a rough start,
Welcome to the board!

I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable! Totally not my intention at all!

I live in Alaska-been on the board since September I think...:rolleyes:. Met some WONDERFUL people on here. I'm in a poly-relationship (V) that has its struggles as all do. I have 4 kids (eek oldest is 18, youngest is 2).

And you? I'd love to hear more about you-bridge the gap a little. I hope you accept my proffered olive branch.
;)
 
That was my intention as well. . .just to get the feelings out. ;) It's nice to have a forum where you can actually get it out and not have to worry about what people might think/say about it. Just to have that freedom. ;)

No worries. I appreciate the feedback and honesty.

I live in Minnesota and as I said on my post, I have been with my current boyfriend for 6 1/2 years and just got out of a relationship with another man. So I may be a bit on the defensive side myself. ;) It's been hard to deal with all the feelings/emotions that come along with everything.

To give you some idea of what I was dealing with while in the poly relationship with a mono guy, here are some quotes by him:

"I love certain parts of you."

"You know what I want, but it doesn't matter." (something like that anyway)

or the one that should have ended it for good, but I gave him another chance was when I was hanging out with my SO and another guy FRIEND, he said

"Well you have 2 guys here" implying that I had the intent to sleep with them and didn't need him there.

Anyway, you get the idea. That explains why I'm a bit over emotional right now. So I apologize again for what I said to you earlier. ;) And I accept your olive branch.
 
"I love certain parts of you."

ummmm...wow...

"You know what I want, but it doesn't matter." (something like that anyway)

This is an insecurity response. I do this to when I am trying to hide my true emotions without communicating them. We feel like we aren't "supposed" to feel or communicate. So we bottle it up and respond with stupid statements like this. My wife goes along with it, our best friend (arg still hard) beats me up when I do this. She never lets me get away with self despising statements like this.

or the one that should have ended it for good, but I gave him another chance was when I was hanging out with my SO and another guy FRIEND, he said

"Well you have 2 guys here" implying that I had the intent to sleep with them and didn't need him there.

He has insecurities. I know when I talk to my wife about how she is feeling insecure all I can do is try to convince her it is not a puzzle I am trying to match together by finding one tetris piece (girl a) and a second tetris piece (girl b) and build the perfect tetris girl. The two people I have fallen in love with, I fell in love with because of my feelings for them. It had nothing to do with "completing me"

I don't if you needed to end it for good, but he needs to figure out how to be secure in your relationship with him and potential relationships without him :)

Your addiction to NRE (new relationship energy) is common. Its almost drug like in its addiction and can be equally awesome and toxic...
 
He definitely had his fair share of insecurites. In both his long term mono relationships, the girl cheated on him, so it was somewhat understandable. The thing that always bothered me was that I was completely honest and open from the beginning so he knew what he was getting into. I know it was still hard for him because he had never experienced that type of relationship/situation before. I actually never really "ended" it. He talked with me over IM and basically ended it that way. He said he wanted to be friends and that it was too hard for him because it wasn't what he really wanted; which was to be with me and only me. It was all about the future with him. He wanted marriage and kids and to have a future with that person. I wish he would have figured that out earlier so everyone involved would not have gotten hurt. I guess the experience itself was something to be grateful for, even if it's ended somewhat badly.

As far as the new relationship chemicals, it's nice to hear that that's common. I felt like something was wrong with me because I had those feelings and couldn't just be satisfied with what I had. It certainly spices up the sex life though! ;)
 
It certainly spices up the sex life though! ;)

Tell me about it! We've recently come out of a very, VERY hard time because we didn't get closure with our last V. This lack of closure, & way too much NRE, caused a heck of a lot of lack of sex!
 
I'm sorry to hear that it ended badly and the fact that it affected your sex life as well. It certainly doesn't make you want to be intimate with your partner when you've both had to go through those emotions of being in and ending the other relationship with no real closure. :p
 
I'm not seeing the reason why it would be your last?

As you mentioned, the other guy was a poor communicator. So if your first boyfriend ever had been a poor communicator, would you have sworn off dating for good?

One idea for next time could be to take it more slowly and getting a feel for his communication skills before it gets too far.

More importantly, how did it go for you and the boyfriend of 6 1/2 years?

One of the great things about poly is you can have "NRE" (new relationship energy) while maintaining the comfortable stability of a long-term relationship.

If your ideal setup is the one long-term relationship with a series of side flings, I would probably suggest being honest about that with any new partners: that you're not looking for a second long-term relationship. That way they're not investing too much long-term energy into something only to have the rug pulled out.
 
I'm not seeing the reason why it would be your last?

What I meant is that I didn't know if I was going to be able to emotionally handle another relationship right now and probably not for a while.

As you mentioned, the other guy was a poor communicator. So if your first boyfriend ever had been a poor communicator, would you have sworn off dating for good?

;)

One idea for next time could be to take it more slowly and getting a feel for his communication skills before it gets too far.

I agree with you there. Sometimes it is hard to keep those feelings in check and I tend to jump into relationships fast.

More importantly, how did it go for you and the boyfriend of 6 1/2 years?

The relationship part he was ok with and was very open about it. We kept a really good line of communication going the entire time. There were some difficult moments at the end of the relationship with the other guy because it affected me.

I feel that this experience has made me appreciate my current relationship more and made me realize what I have. Sometimes in long relationships that can be lost a little. I feel a lot more stable in my relationship now.

One of the great things about poly is you can have "NRE" (new relationship energy) while maintaining the comfortable stability of a long-term relationship.

If your ideal setup is the one long-term relationship with a series of side flings, I would probably suggest being honest about that with any new partners: that you're not looking for a second long-term relationship. That way they're not investing too much long-term energy into something only to have the rug pulled out.

I wouldn't really say I was looking for flings. I've had that. It wasn't something that I was seeking out. It just happened. I was very open from the beginning and throughout the relationship with everyone involved. I just think that the other guy wasn't being honest with himself and thinking that he could change what he wanted.

I appreciate the response, thank you.
 
Greetings!

I asked Samaki if it was OK if I posted a bit of my side of how things went down on here and she was OK with that. So I'm the 6.5 year SO described above.

Firstly I'd like to thank you all for taking some time in discussing her feelings with her. We spend a lot of our time talking about that and I know that it has helped for her to get outside advice. Honestly, I was hoping that she would post here earlier because that may have altered the trajectory of her other relationship. But I'm proud that she's decided to share and explore her feelings in a somewhat public setting.

For me, I just want us to have a happy and healthy relationship no matter how that looks or works. She has always been a person that loves sex and we have had a lot of fun with other people sexually. So I didn't have any jealousy issues to deal with during this.

The relationship thing has happened a few times in the past but before it was usually a feeling that lasted a week or was with someone that she couldn't actively pursue. This time, it was with someone close and available so I think it caught her more by surprise than anything else. And to be fair to the guy, he wasn't a horrible person. We actually hung out all together a lot and we always had a good time. Honestly, I think he was more surprised that he actually liked pursuing this as much as he did.

It was a bit strange to me because I think he has an easier time communicating with other guys than with women. So often we would all be talking together and they would say a lot more to each other than they would if they were alone. From that, I figured that the long term prospects were not going to be the greatest. He also had some issues with her and my sex life and did some semi-jerky things in bed that didn't inspire me with much confidence in his ability to cope and adapt.

For her, she really did want to have a long term thing with him if he was willing to take it one day at a time. One of the greatest things about her is that she loves to experience new things and is very open and honest about every part of her life. I think that is a wonderful feature in a person and it was sad for me to see that someone wouldn't appreciate it the way that I felt that they should.

The future is a big "who knows" right now (except for us, that's is and always has been "always" thing, thankfully). So thank you for taking the time to listen and I hope that the feedback will help grow us as people and help us grow our relationship.
 
OUCH! Those are some not so nice things to say to a person. I feel for you.
Maca and I have had some struggles with that ourselves. I didn't go to a poly-lifestyle in a very nice way. :(
I had an affair.

Of course everyone said the way to fix our marriage was to get rid of GG and even if we were going to be poly now-it shouldn't include him.

But the reality is that I love both of them, and our kids love both of them-so that wasn't a functional or realistic option.

Fortunately we were all three willing to start busting our butts to find a solution that was more functional for ALL of us (us 3 and 4 kids). That has had it's up and downs, but overall it's been moving up. :D
 
Quantam! Welcome to you as well!
It's so nice to be able to hear from both partners! It really fills in the gaps MUCH better!

I hope you both stick around and share.

It sounds like you really have a good sensible appreciation for your SO's good traits! That is SUCH a nice thing to have!

I hope to hear more from both of you soon!

LR
;)
 
Fortunately we were all three willing to start busting our butts to find a solution that was more functional for ALL of us (us 3 and 4 kids). That has had it's up and downs, but overall it's been moving up. :D

Sounds like it's been a rough road for you, but I'm glad to hear that things are working out better now. Thank you for sharing your story. ;)
 
Its been crazy. ;)

But to have two men who love me, who are willing to stand by me, who are there for me, that's awesome. :D

There is LOTS more of the story all over the board. I'm sure if you stick around you'll run across it. :eek:
I tend to talk a lot-take a few days off then mouth off some more. :eek:

But I'm always heartfelt-so if you ever need cheering up-let me know!
 
Its been crazy.

But to have two men who love me, who are willing to stand by me, who are there for me, that's awesome. :D

There is LOTS more of the story all over the board. I'm sure if you stick around you'll run across it. :eek:
I tend to talk a lot-take a few days off then mouth off some more. :eek:

But I'm always heartfelt-so if you ever need cheering up-let me know!


Sounds like it has been.

You're lucky to have that in your life and it works for all of you; I have to admit I'm a bit envious-in a good way.

Thank you so much for all your advice and communication with me. I really appreciate it. :) It's made me feel better about my situation and I feel like I have more clarity.
 
I'm glad you are feeling better about your situation!

It sucks when your heart gets broken!
I don't tend to wear mine out on my sleeve so much-it gets broken-but I tend to naturally keep that to myself (bad bad habit fyi-working on getting more talkative about my vulnerabilities!)

My son though-he's a "fall in love right now" and get his heart broken when you leave kid. (he's only 10) It's so hard watching him struggle in confusion as to why people don't move through problems to keep loving each other. He truly just does not understand it because he's not like that!

I hope you keep posting-you are likely to make some new friends! ;)
 
It sucks when your heart gets broken!
I don't tend to wear mine out on my sleeve so much-it gets broken-but I tend to naturally keep that to myself (bad bad habit fyi-working on getting more talkative about my vulnerabilities!)

I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, which can end in a lot of heartbreak, but I always feel grateful just for the experience whether it turns out good or bad. ;)


I hope you keep posting-you are likely to make some new friends! ;)

Thank you! I hope I do. :)
 
I think having your heart so close to the surface is a good thing. Just not always an EASY thing. But it's definitely a good thing. If you have your heart hidden deep down inside, it's hard to really open yourself to give or recieve love! ;)
 
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