Lost and need help.

Red0824

New member
I feel so conflicted and lost. My husband and I have been struggling with poly for 6 years. Or rather, I have been struggling and making him miserable in the process. I am mono, ive tried to deny that and say I'm poly because I thought it would make it easier to deal. But it doesn't work and here I am. sad and making things worse for him. He is in a new relationship, the girl is nice, we've met and hung out and I like her. But with every girl, I freak out on, I feel like if I don't insert some dominance that I have no control over the situation. I feel the need to say, he is mine don't try and take him for yourself. And of course, everytime I do that, each girl gets scared. When hubby and I are together we are happy, unless the new girl is brought up and always by me. We are expecting our first child any day now and throughout the pregnancy we have dealt with his new relationships rather rockily. I cant blame the hormones entirely, but the last 2 months have been the worst. Accepting that I am not poly, that he is and I am mono, how do we make this work? I know it can, ive read about it. How do mono people become happy in a poly realtionship? We've talked about splitting up, but neither of us want that. We love each other too much and still have so much to grow on, but I don't know how to get over the feelings I have about him being poly. I know this is who he is, but it hurts. And I cant stop projecting these hurt feelings onto him. At this point its either leave or deal. I'm choosing to accept him as he is and love him for it. Any thoughts on how to do this without making him feel shitty about all of this? Again, I know being poly and mono work for some people, I think it can work for us, I just don't know how to begin that process. :(
 
I'm pretty new to all this, so I may be completely off base here, but I think you should table any poly activity, especially at an already delicate time in your relationship (new, small, needy human being coming onto the scene), and focus on getting your relationship with your husband on stable ground.

Again, might be way off base, but it seems like he should have you as his primary concern at the moment.
 
It isn't uncommon to take a break from poly relationships when a new baby is born. You two will be very busy and exhausted dealing with a newborn, so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to shift his focus on your marriage and parenting for a while.
 
Ach, 6 years is a long long long-ass time to not have come to terms with your husband's poly nature. I'm sure it hurts him that you constantly sabotage his relationships with your possessiveness.

You don't seem able to wrap your mind around the idea that him being with others does not take away from his relationship with you. Ideally, his others should add to, augment, the love and fun you have with him.

Unless the other girl is truly a cowgirl and really does want to steal him away... that happens. But if you meet her and see she is on board with sharing him, respecting you, it shouldn't be an issue.

The main stickler is how he handles his NRE with new people. If he neglects you during that phase, doesnt make you feel special, dates them but not you, takes too many phonecalls and texts during your couple time, then it's on you to speak up about this, and on him to be more loving and sensitive to your needs for romance and fun too!

All that being said, now you're about to give birth, and I agree with the previous posters. Is you h cognizant of how much work he will need to put into the baby/toddler? Many poly people take a break for a good 3 years or so from dating others after a new child comes along, unless there is a longterm established secondary who is really into helping with the baby/housework/cooking/shopping as well.

One of the cool things about newborns is the overwhelming NRE one gets for them. That NRE could supplant the NRE your h has for his gf for a while, I bet! ;)
 
Yes, 6 years is a ridiculously long time to not have adjusted to poly. During that time I think I was in denial, hoping that it would go away. And ive hurt him so many times by sabatoging those few relationships with my possiveness. He is fed up with it,and is at the point of just doing what he is going to do with them and have me deal with what ever feelings I get from it on my own. It sounds harsh, but I don't really blame him. He does give me the love and attention I need when he is here. Except the constant texting, but with most of his time going to me, oh I forgot to mention, on top of the baby, he got a new job which takes up 50-60 hours of his time during the week. How else are they supposed to get to know each other? The last girl couldn't do this because she was concerned of the time he wouldn't have once baby is here. So that one wasn't me for once Lol. Thanly. This one, he is afraid of the same thing happening, so it feels like he is scrámbling to make time for her while he can. They went to the movies last night. And he is spending the first full night away tonight with her. She is 20, with not much money and no id to go out so he goes there to hang out and drink, he usually stays till he is sober anyway, but this time he wants to be there when she wakes up, and he wont make a time commitment to when he is coming home tomorrow. I flipped. was that an over reaction? And asking him to hold off on poly when baby is here wont fly. This isnt the first time ive gotten that advice ,but when i mention it he thinks he can juggle all of this as long as I stop freaking out at the smallest things. And start being his supportive partner. Do I just let him try it and see what happens? In the meantime, I'm 41 weeks, frustrated that this baby wont come out, and I'm projecting everything onto him. How do I stop this?
 
I forgot to mention, as I was reading over the replies, this relationship is very new, they just made their dating official, and neither of us know what its like to raise a baby, we are 24 and 25, she is willing to handle the time commitment one has when a baby is here, their both on board, it seems like I'm the one making a big deal out of it. But the thought of raising a child is so over whelming, I'm afraid that the NRE that comes from a newborn wont show because he will be too worried about keeping her happy. The thing is, ive screwed him so much in the 6 years of poly. We both want to get past this, and I want to be happy with the way life is now.
 
The best I can do is offer my mono opinion. I struggle with the idea of poly at first, and I still have some reserve for it. Really at this point the only thing I am worried about is time management which seems to be one of the issues that is weighing on your mind. Yes you are mono, 6 years hasn't changed you nothing probably will. Have you tried dating someone else? I feel I learn more about things when I do them myself. I will be taking my own advice on this when I get home from deployment. You might want to talk about some boundaries to be set. Ok we have a new baby lets take a few months and get into a pattern (as much as possible). How many nights a week/month does he want to take this other woman out? Is he on the other side of it doing the same for you. Soon yes you will need a babysitter. I feel as being the mono partner sometimes places the pressure on you to change/adapt/compromise. This isn't true. You have to meet on a middle ground somewhere. If he wants eight nights a month with her, tell him you can do four and see where it goes from there. If he is unwilling to try and give you four nights out without the baby maybe it is time to start thinking about saving yourself and leaving him. What I am saying is, he has to put the same, if not more, effort into your relationship as well. Otherwise it isn't fair.
 
I`m continually blown away, by the amount of people who want to start poly relationships, while a major life change is underway. Poly takes everything you have, and then some. Trying to give any poly relationship the chance it deserves while working 60 hour weeks, and having a new baby, just doesn`t make sense. Sounds more like escapism to me.

Whatever else you have going on, that has you freaking out,..I don`t think that is abnormal. In fact, most mono partners freak out. How you HANDLE the feelings is the important part.

So instead of chastising yourself, and making the same mistake over and over again, how about you allow yourself to the feelings, but learn to channel it in a respectful manner ? Learn to just say .." I am scared." and go from there.

So the advice is to stop hating yourself for feelings, but change your reaction. Don`t make 'split-up' decisions while you are under a stressful, new time in your relationship. (pregnancy and new family member coming to the world.) Also, he could pay attention to you and the baby, and leave his dating on a doorstep for awhile.

Good Luck.
 
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I'm going to try make this reply less harsh, but I'm having a really difficult time so I'll apologize in advance.

I'm the poly person in my marriage; my husband is mono. We have two kids (5 years and 1 year), my husband has a 50-hour a week job and no other time commitments outside our house at the moment. I am unemployed and in an LDR that re-started last August.

If he won't listen to you, then your husband needs to talk to other poly parents: having a baby makes it nearly impossible to have ANY time available for other relationships. Having a kid is HARD. He needs to man up and commit to you and the child he helped create. Whatever he thinks he'll be able to handle or manage, he's wrong. He doesn't have a clue, and he can't really until it happens, but he needs to approach the birth of his child with an attitude of, "I'll do whatever it takes for my child and my partner, and THEN, if it's manageable, I'll look at other relationships." If you and he reach that point before your child is a year old, congratulations. I reached that point faster after my second child (9 months) but there's generally a LOT more to get accustomed to when it's your first time around.

You're 41 weeks pregnant, fer chrissake! EVERYTHING in his world right now should be about how you and the baby are doing and what he can do to make these last (interminable) weeks as comfortable as possible for you.

Sorry, I don't know him, and I don't know you, but I have a VERY short fuse when I perceive a situation where the man (or non-pregnant partner) isn't doing whatever he can to lessen the burden on his pregnant partner. They can't help with all the physical changes, pain, hormones, etc, so they better be doing anything they can in the other departments!!
 
Wow, the advice and insight you all have given me is over whelming! And I have to say, I thought when I posted I would be getting slammed with things like, "you're in this relationship, do everything you can to make him feel good." And deal with the pain while he does his thing. All of the things I'm hearing from you all is what ive been thinking. And expressing for that matter, maybe not so rationally and eloquently, but they were expressed. Sourgirl, you're right about handeling my feelings differently. I'm a very stubborn person and I'm a knee jerk, emotional person, I tend to let my mind roam free, and my opinions with it. I need to learn to control my reactions and own to my feelings. Its harder to do when you have no practice :). And I will put my best foot forward to improving that part of myself. As for hubby, even if I were to ask him to take a break from poly, again, for a couple of months for baby and relationship adjustment, how is that supposed to work with his girlfriend? They've already started to become close, and I feel like it would be unfair to her to ask her to wait on the side lines while we figure things out. I think of how I would feel, and I don't think I would wait. Only because of the baby. The girlfriend told him last night, she could handle the time restraint it would have on them once the baby is born as long as I am cool with their relationship. Which I am to a certain point, but that's how it always goes. There is always a hump that I have trouble getting over with each girl. This one, I feel like I'm in the right, asking him to be home every night, at least until the baby is born. I tell him I feel vulnerable in this stage, if she comes tonight, I would have to wait till he answers and gets home, or drive myself there. However, this child is so cozy, the chance of that happening is like 50 50 Lol. But like I said, he is struggling to make both parties happy, this is the second girl we have been through during this pregnancy, the other made the choice herself. This one seems to think she can be ok as long as I am. So, does it still sound like I should ask him to hold off, or should I suck it up and trust him that he knows what he is doing? Thatgirlingray, how long did it take for your husband to be ok with you being poly? Is it still a struggle for him at times? Or have you two reached a wonderful medium?
 
It sounds like he is filling a gap with other women to me. Maybe because he was denied his true identity for so long? Maybe he didn't really want a kid ands sees it as your thing? I dunno. Something is up there.

I agree, poly has no place when babies are due if people are new to it. Time to buckle down and figure out how to be a dad, not someone's bf. I think he's in denial.

When I had my boy, almost 9 years ago we took a break for three years. Then we started in again slowly. When I got pregnant ot was a time where neither of us had other partners. We thought it was a good time to have kids.
 
This one, I feel like I'm in the right, asking him to be home every night, at least until the baby is born. I tell him I feel vulnerable in this stage, if she comes tonight, I would have to wait till he answers and gets home, or drive myself there. However, this child is so cozy, the chance of that happening is like 50 50 Lol. But like I said, he is struggling to make both parties happy, this is the second girl we have been through during this pregnancy, the other made the choice herself. This one seems to think she can be ok as long as I am.
I would ask him to take a break for longer than that - at least for the child's first year. You will need him after the baby is born. Haven't you ever known anyone who had a baby? Many couples invite a relative to stay with them for a while because it is so much work, even when two parents share it all. I would be worrying more about how he will share in the parenting than how his gf can handle it. You are bringing a new little life into the world - he needs to participate! Has he taken any parenting courses or workshops or done any kind of preparation? Someone needs to drive home for him how time- and energy-consuming a responsibility it is to have a baby and raise a child. Not to mention sleep deprivation.

If she cares for him, she'll wait. Is he so obsessed with "being poly" and developing additional relationships that he ignores the relationship he already has with you? Maybe if he were more considerate and included you more, romanced you and took you on hot dates as much as he takes anyone else, you wouldn't have such a hard time with his dating and would be more accepting of it. Maybe you can invite him to join here and read this thread, and get some feedback for himself.
 
Thatgirlingray, how long did it take for your husband to be ok with you being poly? Is it still a struggle for him at times? Or have you two reached a wonderful medium?

Unfortunately my experience with this isn't going to be helpful, I don't think. We started our relationship with agreements about flirting and dancing with other people (we were in college, so frat parties and going out clubbing were the extent of our social lives after school and work anyway), and over the years (14!) as our relationship has grown and strengthened and new situations have occurred with different people we've handled them one by one and decided what we each wanted and were comfortable with. Gradually we reached a point about 8 years ago where my emotional connection to someone became significant and that was sort of the start of recognizing that I was poly. He's mono, but definitely poly-supportive. So we never really had a big or dramatic "opening up" of our relationship. We got there together, even though the concept doesn't apply to us both the same way.

Not everyone feels the same way as I do, but to me, by marrying my husband and agreeing to have children with him, my commitment is to him and our kids first, and then to others as possible. This doesn't mean I treat TGIB disrespectfully or as disposable, nor does MC expect to ALWAYS be my top priority, but it does mean that part of the way I show my love and respect to MC (and my appreciation for how much he works at our relationship too!) is by sticking as closely as possible to what he's comfortable with. Anyone I have a relationship with has to respect MC and my relationship with him as much as they respect me, so anyone who has tried to push me beyond those boundaries has gotten a swift send-off.

Maybe, instead of her "waiting" for him, they can "take a break"? She'll know he at least plans to pick back up with her again, but he won't have to worry about how she's doing (beyond average friendship) in the upcoming months, so he'll be less distracted and more able to focus on you and the baby.

ETA: I don't know if I can articulate the difference in my mind between "waiting" and "taking a break", but there's less...expectation, maybe? "Waiting", to me, is for a predetermined length of time, which I don't think is a good idea. "Taking a break" is less structured, more of a general "until this is workable and reasonable again".
 
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Hmmm, you're right, if she really likes him, then she wouldn't mind taking a break for a while, but to ask her to do that still seems wrong to me. Not to mention, he doesn't want to do that. I'm wondering if once we have the baby, he will realize the things he needs to focus on the most. This baby, by the way was not planned. We love her and have gotten over the freak out of being parents, but neither of us wanted a baby for a while. I can see where panic set in for him. We were finally in a place where we could be ourselves, we planned to socialize more, I even thought about opening myself up to other possibilities, then we found out we were pregnant. I had no opportunity to explore after that. And he has, for obvious reasons. He just went for it,as if nothing had changed. So denial, you may have come across something there, the fact that I held him back from it for 6 years, he finally gets to explore himself in his fullest capacity and then bam! Baby. Yea, major frustration on his part. I would love for him to read this thread and the whole site. Ill mention it. And thank you anyway thatgirlingrey, I'm glad you two where able to enter into poly without any big emotional blow outs. I envy you two, that's something special :).
 
This one, I feel like I'm in the right, asking him to be home every night, at least until the baby is born. I tell him I feel vulnerable in this stage, if she comes tonight, I would have to wait till he answers and gets home, or drive myself there. However, this child is so cozy, the chance of that happening is like 50 50 Lol.

You guys should be going out together as much as possible until this baby decides to get with the program and make an appearance. Sitting at home waiting, especially after the 40th week, is just stressful. Maybe you can offer a compromise: He takes you out 3 days, is at home ? days and will see her ? days, BUT he will ALWAYS be willing and able to answer the phone (or call back immediately), he won't be more than 15 min away and will be home at an agreed upon time.

He definitely needs to talk to other guys that have been through living with a newborn and a postpartum wife and FAST! Your hormones will still be out of whack even after the baby's born for a while, but it gets compounded with sleep deprivation.
 
Red, you still sound like you are blaming yourself for... oh, I don't know, real life events? Like, you're the one to blame that he didn't get to "be poly" all these six years, "making him miserable" as you put it, and you're the one to blame when his girlfriends bolted, and now you're the one to blame for getting pregnant and fucking up his plans. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop that this instant.

You are married, he is your partner. If he wanted to act upon his poly desires sooner, he could have - it would have taken negotiation, baby steps, and consideration for your feelings, but you two would have dealt with it. Or he could have left the relationship altogether to go find a poly partner. He made the choice to stay and give you time.

It's not totally your "fault" that he waited and then finally acts out of impatience that has built up. He is pulling a number on you if he encourages you to think that he is miserable because of you.

If the girlfriends really wanted to stick by him no matter what and befriend you to ease your worries, they could have. They made their own choices to leave him. Sure, he can blame you for that, but they left him, not you, and maybe it was easier for them to say it was because of you rather than they just didn't want to continue with him. He could have made the situation more acceptable and workable for you by taking baby steps along the way and making sure you knew he would give you the same love and attention he would give to any of his other relationships.

And of course, it takes two to make a baby, so he can't blame you for that. If you both really didn't want to get pregnant, you BOTH would have made sure it didn't happen.

Where is his sense of responsibility in all this? It's like he decides he wants to run around and have fun but is overlooking the fact that he needs to keep investing in his relationship with you to make it strong enough to support a lifestyle that includes polyamory, while you think everything that doesn't go his way is because you've been difficult. How'd he manage to pull the wool over your eyes like that? Get your self-esteem on, girl. You both need to shake yourselves and wake up.
 
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nycindie, I mostly agree with you about Red needing to not blame herself, but
If you both really didn't want to get pregnant, you BOTH would have made sure it didn't happen.

Are you fucking kidding me?? First of all, it's not true. No birth control, even using multiple kinds at once, is 100%. Second of all, you DON'T say that to someone 41 weeks pregnant. You just don't. That's taking your NY bluntness and tactlessness too far.
 
nycindie, I mostly agree with you about Red needing to not blame herself, but ... Are you fucking kidding me?? First of all, it's not true. No birth control, even using multiple kinds at once, is 100%. Second of all, you DON'T say that to someone 41 weeks pregnant. You just don't. That's taking your NY bluntness and tactlessness too far.

Hey, I think you are misunderstanding me! Looking at my sentence that you quoted, I see why. I know that no b/c is foolproof (um, hello, I've been around a while). What does 41 weeks got to do with it? I don't mind being called blunt, but tactless? Sheesh, we're all adults, right? Was I supposed to pussyfoot around the pregnant woman? All I meant was that the OP's hubs is responsible, too, and that if they both really didn't want to get pregnant, that I'm sure they BOTH would have made the effort to prevent it (correcting my previous statement of "made sure"). Of course, no non-surgical protection is guaranteed, but that's not the focus of my comment. My main point was that she shouldn't be feeling like she's fucked up his chance to be poly somehow by getting preggers, as if that is all her fault, and he shouldn't be complaining about it. He was there, he played a part, so it's not all on her. She got pregnant -- it happened. They are in this together, and made their choices, but I see lots of self-blaming going on and was mostly responding to this:
he finally gets to explore himself in his fullest capacity and then bam! Baby. Yea, major frustration on his part.
Red0824, I'm sorry if I offended and I hope you understand what I was trying to express.
 
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Hmmm, you're right, if she really likes him, then she wouldn't mind taking a break for a while, but to ask her to do that still seems wrong to me. Not to mention, he doesn't want to do that. I'm wondering if once we have the baby, he will realize the things he needs to focus on the most. This baby, by the way was not planned. We love her and have gotten over the freak out of being parents, but neither of us wanted a baby for a while. I can see where panic set in for him. We were finally in a place where we could be ourselves, we planned to socialize more, I even thought about opening myself up to other possibilities, then we found out we were pregnant. I had no opportunity to explore after that. And he has, for obvious reasons. He just went for it,as if nothing had changed. So denial, you may have come across something there, the fact that I held him back from it for 6 years, he finally gets to explore himself in his fullest capacity and then bam! Baby. Yea, major frustration on his part. I would love for him to read this thread and the whole site. Ill mention it. And thank you anyway thatgirlingrey, I'm glad you two where able to enter into poly without any big emotional blow outs. I envy you two, that's something special :).

Well, the escapism he is using,... happens. Many 1st time parents have some issues coping and wrapping their brain around it. Some party, others buy a boat, or do other foolish things. In his case, he is Mr.Poly-Pants.
It`s much like cold feet before a wedding. A 'last chance' to do what he wants, how he wants, when he wants.

I think this will boil down to the fact you, can only control you. If I were in your shoes, I would NOT allow myself to be made the scapegoat anymore. Stop taking the blame for things in the past,..just work on your responses for the future.
When talking to him about your worries, It might be beneficial, to NOT make this about poly. You might want to talk about pregnancy and parenthood fears. Read books, watch shows....things that discuss the fears, and worries of parenthood. Programs that focus on soon-to-be parents having problems and panicking.
This way, he can draw his own conclusions about such things. Hopefully, if he has respect for you, himself, or others in his life, he will see he is not the only person to have such problems.
This may not 'end' or even stall his relationship with her,..but at the VERY least, if he has any intention of maning-up, he will get more serious about putting his all, into everyone equally, baby included.

Then you don't have to be the bad guy asking him to come home every night. He will finally accept his responsibility, and think of these things,..at least some of the time. (Things are a work in progress after all. )

For the record, this isn`t about molding him, or making him what you want,..this is about the baby, and setting precedence as parents, for the child's future.
 
What you need right now is a lot of communication, STAT!!!!

Get your husband home, make him bring his lady as well. The three of you need to sit and come up with some sort of peace before the baby drops. You need to put exactly what you need on the table, so does he and so does she.

Then, you need to start negotiating. I've never had a kid, likely never will. However, I've seen a bunch of friends go through the process. Methinks, and this is just me, that you don't want to be the only one getting up in the middle of the night to calm a screaming infant. You are going to need someone there for support. Maybe that's him, alone. And maybe that's her, too.

Good luck. Try not to go insane.
 
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