the story of a secondary

It's not just a question of what he (and you) can live with, but also what both of you want from life.

At Mr. FFR's suggestion, I'm revisiting this line. At 27 I should know what I want from life, yeah? I really don't, though. I want... love, connection, excitement, fulfillment. Ha, very specific, yes. I want to explore myself and the world, I want to do things I enjoy every day, I want to grow, I want to help people. I want to stay open to life. I like where I live now, but I've often thought it would be good for me to try living other places. I want to keep my loved ones in my life. Those last couple of wants may not be strictly compatible?

Would it be better to have more of a plan at this point? I've always felt a little aimless, happy to act on luck and whim and to follow if the right leader comes along. But it works for me and, ironically, my life has been very stable but also growth-oriented these last few years.

So, no big plans, no end goals. Davis is in much the same boat except that he really *could* use more of a sense of direction, his life as is doesn't particularly satisfy him at present. But neither of us is big on destinations right now. I know I want much more in the way of outside contact than he does... his friends are important to him, but he's pretty anti-social overall whereas I am a much more gregarious breed of misanthrope.

I think we often cause ourselves unnecessary problems when we worry that we don't match our special ones' feelings for us.

Definitely. Things are never gonna to be perfectly equal... the question should be, do they work?

Don't aim for "minimising the negative" as much as "maximising the positive".

I like this a lot! I'm going to remember it.

I LIKE this Revolution!!!:D:D:D

Aww, I'm happy for you! :)
 
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Below is an excerpt from BU's recent post on her blog of reflections on Pekka Hämäläinen's book "A Good Relationship".

In the normal course of every relationship, there's a phase of individualization and independence, and a person going through that phase may experience strong feelings of hatred and bitterness towards their partner, whom they perceive as dull, clingy and needy, a hamper to their personal happiness and growth.

In the first phase of the relationship, the symbiosis phase, people find their partners fascinating beyond measure. Compared to the all-night-long philosophical discussions of the first year together, many people are sorely disappointed when their time together with their partners starts resembling two strangers hanging out in the same space at the same time, both safe from eye-contact behind their laptops. While going through the individualization phase, it can seem that you are sharing your life and bed with a complete stranger. Many at this point connect the dots and realize that in the initial NRE phase, they have chosen a partner who's incompatible. It's easy to forget that the getting-to-know-you -phase doesn't end with "I do" or moving in together; it continues throughout the relationship, and requires even more time and energy when the love hormones have evened out.

During the symbiosis stage, partners know the limits of their relationship - what it can take and what is a deal-breaker. When one partner then hits the individualization stage, it might seem to the partner left to observe from the sidewalk that they can count on absolutely nothing anymore. The understanding that was created in the beginning of the relationship is starting to show cracks, the cards have gone up in the air and there's no saying if the relationship will continue or not. Typical of this phase are infidelity crises, trial separations and counseling together and separately. The limits of the relationship are under intense re-evaluation and people start asking themselves; Can we make it through this? Even now? Wouldn't it be easier at this point just to break up already? Can our love ever be the same it was?

The partners may feel cheated. Their images of their partner do not correspond with reality. I have been deceived. I can no longer trust anything they say. Change is, however, an inbuilt feature of all people and relationships. Instead of running into rash conclusions about the future sustainability of the relationship, it might pay out to take a step back and wait what emerges after the dust has settled. If one chickens out of the hard getting-to-know-the-new-you -work at this point, they may never get to enjoy the perks of a relationship that has weathered the individualization crisis - stronger partnership and often even a new honeymoon phase.

This reminded me so very much of where Davis and I are in our relationship. The first time we dated, over the course of three years we passed through the symbiosis stage and into the individualization stage, complete with crisis and eventual breakup. Then, over the next four years while we were FWB's, we grew as people and deepened our friendship but didn't engage in the process of building our relationship together in the same way.

When we got back together, we dropped right back into the individualization stage! What a surprise that was to me, after such a long period of even-keeled friendship. All of a sudden we're fighting and I'm filled with uncertainty. This in particular --

"strong feelings of hatred and bitterness towards their partner, whom they perceive as dull, clingy and needy, a hamper to their personal happiness and growth"

-- struck a chord. I've had these feelings about Davis in the last four months since we started dating again and it's left me with a lot of cognitive dissonance because I didn't feel these things before we made our relationship official and, at the same time, I love him and can envision a life partnership with him.

The question now is, can we get through this and "enjoy the perks of a relationship that has weathered the individualization crisis - stronger partnership and often even a new honeymoon phase."

Time will tell!
 
The question now is, can we get through this and "enjoy the perks of a relationship that has weathered the individualization crisis - stronger partnership and often even a new honeymoon phase."

Time will tell!

Maybe knowing that this is a normal part of relationship growth helps? :) I know for me knowing that these are stages that happen in most relationships and having some ideas on how to work through them, handle them, or figure out what's up is super helpful. So that instead of feeling those feelings and reacting with "something must be wrong with us or I wouldn't feel this way", I can say "Hey, this is normal. Sucky, but normal and we will work through it and come out stronger."

:)

I seriously need to get that book!
 
Maybe knowing that this is a normal part of relationship growth helps? :) I know for me knowing that these are stages that happen in most relationships and having some ideas on how to work through them, handle them, or figure out what's up is super helpful. So that instead of feeling those feelings and reacting with "something must be wrong with us or I wouldn't feel this way", I can say "Hey, this is normal. Sucky, but normal and we will work through it and come out

Oh definitely, *definitely*. When I first started feeling this way, I found myself thinking all kinds of crazy things like "Is my inner being trying to tell me that there's someone else out there that I'm meant to be with instead of Davis?" And I'm not even a spiritual person, I don't even believe that there's a person you're "meant" to be with our anything like that!

I had already started to feel much calmer about things, but reading this has helped nudge me even further into okayness. :)
 
Sadly, I think it's only available in Finnish. I'll try to recap, though :).

What you don't have time to translate, edit and format an entire book and post it on the web? All for free?

Hmmphhff! I think recaps are a minimum!

Kidding! (In case that did not 'translate' well on the intertubes.)

I would love to read the recaps if you have the time.

Maybe on another thread so we can give this one back to AnnabelMore?
 
I left work early on Friday and hung out with Gia and Bee. Eric was there too, in a way -- he was at work, but was connected to us via a video chat thing that let him hear us and see the part of the room where Bee was resting.

I imagine it's a really wonderful thing for him, to be able to see his son while finishing up a long work week, but it was a little odd, his disembodied presence... we couldn't see or hear him, he just communicated now and then via text. Weirder than if he'd actually been there, in which case I might have been able to tell when he was listening and when he wasn't. I mainly focused on Bee, while Gia did some scrapbooking. Despite the weirdness, I really appreciated the time together and we did have some good conversations.

Near the end of the visit, I went to the grocery store with Gia and held Bee while she shopped. It meant soooo much to her to be able to focus on that simple chore but also to have her baby with her. Helping like that and hearing from her what a big difference my presence can make makes me really happy. Plus I just can't get enough of having Bee close to me. He babbles now, sometimes it's like he's singing. :)

I saw G&E again tonight -- they got a sitter for Bee and came out to a club night where some friends of ours were dj'ing. At the end of the evening, Gia and I kissed lingeringly, with tongue (for the longest while our kisses have been mostly close-mouthed). I feel like we're moving incrementally closer together, physically. She mentioned the other day that her period has returned and it's been heavy to the point of frustrating relentlessness. Fun. :/ Hopefully that'll clear up soon...

Anyway, as it happens, G&E&B are coming over tomorrow to play a tabletop roleplaying game with my roommates and me, which my roommate Liam is going to run. That's three days in a row that we get to spend time together! So nice. :)
 
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OMG. You HAVE to make a character sheet for Bee! I'm thinking, Stormageddon: Dark Lord of All.

(I hope they're Doctor Who fans! :p )
 
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OMG. You HAVE to make a character sheet for Bee! I'm thinking, Stormageddon: Dark Lord of All.

(I hope they're Doctor Who fans! :p )

I tried to convince them to let him play a minor NPC... the DM could do the roleplayng and when it was time to make rolls we could put the dice in his little hand and let them fall out! But no, they were afraid he'd try to eat the dice.

They're Dr. Who fans so I imagine they'd get your reference. :) I'm more of a Torchwood fan.
 
I tried to convince them to let him play a minor NPC... the DM could do the roleplayng and when it was time to make rolls we could put the dice in his little hand and let them fall out! But no, they were afraid he'd try to eat the dice.

See, I think you just weren't creative enough with the dice.
 
Currently treating myself to a candlelit dinner on the terrace at my favorite fancy-but-not-pretentious organic restaurant. That's what they call being your own primary. :D
 
Chatting online with Gia at work. She mentions that she wants someone to watch Bee so that she and Eric can have a date night just the two of them, which they haven't done since he was born. I say I'd be more than happy to do that, and that while I wouldn't be looking for a direct night-for-a night trade, I hope that this will be helpful in getting us to the point where she and I can have couple-type dates too. Her account goes idle, which happens all the time as she has to get up often to do stuff at work. I cannot stop quietly freaking out. I just need to know that she wants that too.

Aaaaaaahhhhhh, I hate this anxious feeling.......

...

...

Aaahh.
 
Freaking. Out. Hate. This.

At least I'm capable of freaking the fuck out very quietly and unnoticeably.
 
Heh, I am *such* a spaz sometimes. She hopped back online and we talked more, she said that of course she wants to get back to having dates with me, and that her goal is to get to the point where on average she's having dates with Eric two times a month and dates with me once a month, with plenty of hanging out in between. Makes good sense to me.

GAHD, I want sex with her/them again SO. BAD. Not bringing it up though, it'll happen when it happens and I know that staying chill will make it happen faster whereas making her feel pressured will make it happen slower.
 
Btw, lest anyone get the wrong idea and think that this is becoming some kind of exploitative setup with problematic shades of unicorn-ness, it wouldn't be just me alone with their baby, helping them get their two nights per month while I get one -- she's going to be reaching out to other friends and family for help. The fact is that I just want to spend as much time with Bee as possible, I miss him when a few days have gone by and I haven't seen him!

It's funny, I've taken to giving as much advice as possible when I see people in the New to Poly section of the board falling into the traps of unicorn hunting. My situation is so similar to theirs that it freaks me right the fuck out to see how dysfunctional it can be. It's like seeing a bizarro version off my life play out where everything is messed up... and yet, in terms of the structure itself, if our circumstances reshaped themselves such that it made sense, I'd probably happily join them in a polyfi triad and live in their home, watch their kid, do all those things that define a unicorn.

Naaaaah, who am I kidding, I'd never really wanna be exclusive, not even with them. :D
 
Davis and I are struggling. :( He continues to be depressed, he has trouble just getting up every day and getting motivated. He's not in a truly dark place... just in a major slump. I keep thinking to myself, maybe I should just end it, maybe this guy will never be the partner I want.

On the one hand he's sensitive, introspective, communicative, open-minded, consistent, supportive. He's utterly devoted to me. On the other hand, I worry that he's not outgoing enough to keep up with the kind of life I like to lead, he's not as dynamic and engaged in the possibilities the world had to offer and in the issues he professes to care about as I'd like to see, he doesn't put the sort of emphasis on self-care and his own well-being and stability that I think would come from a strong internal will... and as deeply as I care about him, he's not exactly moving me to any great heights of sexual revelation or ecstatic positive emotion or joyful self-discovery.

Is all that too much to ask? Is comfort and compatibility and commitment and companionship enough?

He did say yesterday, in the midst of a long conversation, that he will start looking into options for therapy... so that's a big deal.

Yesterday evening turned into a big mess. We went out to eat, he was feeling kind of anxious, I rolled with it and didn't push him and it passed. Afterwards we went bowling, a cute little date to a cheesy little BYOB place. I had all the stuff above swirling around in my head but was trying to ignore it and just focus on having a good time. And we did have a good time, we had the place almost entirely to ourselves, just drinking beers and being silly and knocking down pins.

But then he was helping me work on my form, at my request, and I began to feel stressed out, on edge, almost giddy. I wasn't sure how to react or what to say, but he could tell something was wrong. We sat down and I actually started crying a little, from the stress. He was asking me what was up and beginning to get exasperated and this made me feel much worse -- I wanted him to be understanding of my weird little breakdown the way I'd been understanding of his anxiety earlier in the evening.

We ended up going outside. I was crying, I couldn't explain why, he was upset and asking if it was about him. I pushed him away and told him that, yes, maybe it's just stressful for my partner to be depressed, maybe it's just a lot of pressure to feel like I'm the thing holding him together when I'm not even sure about our relationship to begin with.

We went back to his place and talked more, I told him that I've been having a lot of negative thoughts about us but that I haven't wanted to make any drastic decisions knowing that his depression was coloring things so much for me. We ended up making love and I spent the night. In the morning I felt very close to him and loathe to leave.

And it's those last couple of sentences that keep me holding on, when so much of me seems to be saying I should just split...
 
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