I can relate...
I don't think it is possible to understand how a mono primary really feels unless you are one. That's why i think I felt sad over a post of Kat Tails.
Hi Sage - you are right - no one can understand how hard it is for a mono-primary except other mono-primaries. The feelings, at times, are indescribable. Other can try to put themselves in our shoes - but they really have no idea. It's very hard when you had your life planned out one way - and then this happens, and everything you thought you knew, changes. It's different than falling in love with someone who is married or has a gf/bf. It's different than meeting someone, them telling you they're poly and you getting to decide if you want to continue with the relationship or not.
We do work very hard at the poly life and at our relationships. I was reading an article posted recently about jealousy and what came up for me is that Z and his secondary J get to have a kind of fantasy relationship while I get the reality of him and his life which is not always so pretty. I know I also get the privilege of sleeping with him most nights and building a life with him and I would in no way want to swap.
MG says this all the time - that at lease I get to sleep with him everynight - but would she really want to put herself in my shoes? Would she really want to go through what I am feeling? Would she really want to watch her husband go off to be with another woman? She has said in counseling that she wouldn't or couldn't and gives me a lot of credit for doing it.
When they are together I feel excluded (article says to follow the jealously to a more specific feeling). But the more interesting feeling is that I have given my whole life to be with him and had to work really hard to make it happen. We have a small house and I get to have his kids taking it over every other weekend and school holidays (mine are grown up), I get his computer gear spilling over everything and his grumpiness at seemingly trivial things that I do. Just venting here, I still love him to bits, obviously or else I wouldn't be putting myself through all this. And he is generally the most loving and wonderful partner I have ever had.
I completely understand what you are saying. Why do you think that people suggest living with someone before they get married? Living with someone, dealing with all that goes with that, plus children etc, is very hard. I love my husband more than anything - but at times, he is very demanding and difficult to live with, as am I. MG has said that she doesn't think she could live with him - that their personalities are too similar. It's my life, it's the life I have chosen - but it isn't always sunshine and roses.
J on this other hand gets none of the hard stuff, she lives on her own, on a resort style island, doesn't have to work regularly and gets to sunbathe nude on her local beach most days with the exception of winter. He goes there to be bathe in her serenity, so he isn't grumpy, he doesn't take his kids or his computer gear.
I say this all the time. Yes, MG has responsibilites, stresses etc - but when they are together, she can lose herself in him and put all of her issues aside. When I am with 2rings - we do have the issues of kids, house, dog, jobs, family etc - but we can't just forget about all that. We don't have a lot of time alone, with just the two of us. When they go out - it is just the two of them. They can have a picnic, take a walk, sit in the park etc with nothing to distract them. Him and I can barely hug without the kids or the dog jumping in. We don't get to go out to dinner by ourselves. Forget taking a walk, sitting in the park etc. - it doesn't happen. The only alone time we get is late at night after he gets home from work - but we are both exhausted and half of the time we can barely keep our eyes open. Where's the excitement in that?
MG and 2rings are going away for an overnight next weekend. All they have to do is pick a place, let their spouses know, pack their bags and go. 2rings doesn't have to worry about anything - because he knows I'll be here to take care of the kids, the dog, the house, the bills etc. I'm sure MG has it a little harder as she has teenagers - but she still has people there to help out. They get to go off, with no responsibilites, with only each other to focus on.
2rings and I are going away in a few days for an overnight and there is a lot more to do. We have to pick a place, make sure the kids can go to their Grandparents, call the kennel, pack the kids stuff, take the dog to the kennel, take the kids to their Grandparents, make sure the bills are paid ahead of time, set the timers....there is a lot more to worry about that it starts to lose its excitement. Then, while we are gone, we worry if the kids are behaving, how much is the kennel going to cost us etc.... I can't help but feel that I am the bland and boring meat and potatoes while MG is the sweet, decadent, exciting dessert. I am the boring, stressed, emotional wife while MG is the fun-loving, sexy, sensual girlfriend.
I also think I have an issue with their form of 'love'. They only love a part of each other because that is all they know of each other and yet he speaks a great deal about loving her. How much of someone do you have to really know and understand before you are really loving them and not just a picture of them that appeals?
Again - I have felt the same way many times. I am not saying that if she knew more about 2rings that she wouldn't love him, but fantasy is always better than reality. Day to day life is much more stressful than going out for a few hours or an overnight here and there. It just is. You never really know a person until you live with them. Do not read this as a complaint - as I said - I love him more than anything - or I wouldn't still be here. But our relationship is very different from theirs because we are married, have kids, a house, jobs, etc...they have flirting, excitement, late-night rendevous, sneaking glances.....
I have no doubt that MG has a different take on this - after all, we are coming from two different perspectives. I am speaking about how I feel and how it feels to be a "mono-primary." This is where Sage is coming from - and I can relate to her.
Sage - anytime you need to talk or vent - please do not hesitate to PM me!
Hang in there!
Kat