Redpepper's journey

Oh, I get it. But I can't show you what all can be done with a soft guy, because YOU ARE MONO. :) Get it? Mono. Hehehe
 
There has been a lot going on here lately, not so much poly-related, but poly-related in that it affects our whole family. We are all so close and pull together to look after one another.

PN had his birthday this past weekend, a really fun low-key potluck party with his friends, some old, that we haven't seen for a while, and some new. His friend from his childhood came and really got on well with Mono after seemingly realizing he is here to stay and might as well accept that PN is more than happy with that.

PN's friend lost his dad last fall. PN was glad to see him because he found out that his own dad was ill on the day of his party. His stepmum took his dad to the ER on the island they live on. On Sunday (the days are blurred, bear with me) or Monday he was flown by helicopter to our island where there is a bigger hospital. He was sent into the intensive care unit and treated for pneumonia. When he didn't get better, they tried to put a tube down his throat, as he hadn't eaten in a week and found they couldn't get it down. He eventually ate, but his breathing got worse. The oxygen is at the max they can give now and it looks like he will be gone soon. Short of breath and ready to go.

PN has been dealing with his distraught mother-in-law at the hospital every afternoon, at the busiest time of the year for his job. He works for the provincial government and it's the fiscal year end right now. He's exhausted, went to bed at 8 tonight.

On his actual birthday, his mum hosted a party for him and the family. We didn't know if he could make it, but he was able to. Hi mum invited the stepmum, who has never talked to her and has been venomously cruel to her and judgmental about her leaving his father. She is not the same culture as us and has very strong Catholic beliefs about divorce. She has strong beliefs about how a firstborn son should act too, but that is another story. It seems she is always disappointed in PN and his mother's side of the family.

Anyway, she decided to put her hatred behind her and came to the party. What a moment in history, as the two women talked about their lives with PN's dad and what they had been through and where they were coming from now. PN's mum has always thought poly was a really good idea and would've been with his dad if it had been an option back then. She didn't say that to the stepmum though! She did say how much she loved and admired him. She just needed more than he could give. It was good to hear her finally get that out. It was good to hear the step mum finally admit she had wasted a lot of time hating, too.

Now it is Wednesday. PN's dad will die soon, it looks like, and I am supposed to go on a retreat with the women's group I facilitate. My friend and I have been planning for months. I can no longer go at this point, I think. It was also to be my first weekend away with Derby. :( Sad, very sad... everything is sad. This weekend was to be a really nice holiday. All my co-workers are going to Thailand, Cuba, Hawaii and Corfu and I was going up island to Parksville. It was all I had of a winter holiday. Boohoohoo:(

Okay, had to get that out. I am sad, but there are far bigger things to deal with and there will be other holidays.

I had a much-needed night with Mono last night. I haven't been able to spend much quality time with him of late, due to busy days with PN's life. He has also been working overtime at the school on the base. He has been doing night study duty: extra time for them to come in and study classified materials that can't be taken out of the building.

Last week he worked from 7am-6pm every day and then on Sunday afternoon. The week before that, he also worked over the weekend. I am not used to seeing him so little. Now I am alone again, as he left for Halifax this morning to visit his parents. I miss him terribly. He left me a note for every day he is away. I opened the first tonight and instantly felt close to him again and loved.

It was cold and dark in his apartment. Geogia the cat was crying down there and came up to find him. She is missing him too.

I am being a rock for PN and need a rock for myself. Derby is away at a conference, all week too. No rocks for me right now.

No worries. I am feeling really good about doing all I can. LB and I are team "look after stuff for Daddy." He is doing what he needs to do without being asked over and over again. He is emotional and whiny though. I have to remind him that we are "team Daddy" when it gets too much.

I have been doing all the food, organizing LB's upcoming March break for two weeks. I've been cleaning, directing PN to take care of himself. He has done some stuff. More than anything, I have been an emotional pillar for him.

His relationship with his dad has been silently strained since his mum left them. There have been 20 years of lack of connection at a time when PN really needed to feel loved and emotional about the break up of his family. Anger, frustration and love have all been emotions I have witnessed where his dad is concerned. Now is no different. "He could've gone to the hospital earlier!" "Could've got his will sorted before this!" "Could've... could've." They are very different people, yet very much the same. Drives PN crazy, yet he loves him deeply.

Sorry about the long update. I needed to get this all out. Thanks for reading. :)
 
Sorry it's been a rough week for you. It's good that PN has you for a rock, but don't be afraid to let others know if you need shoring up on the other side.

Hugz
 
I've been there with all of this, RP, with my ex-husband's parents' deaths (both in the time we were together and while our kids were still young) and I wish you energy and strength in the weeks ahead. The death of a spouse's parent is hard on everyone, but especially the person who takes on the role of "the rock". Your friends will be sure to remind you in the weeks to come to make time for that missed and much-needed holiday!

*hugs*
 
Oh, so sorry to hear about all this sad stuff. It's good to have family and friends around to be supportive. Very soothing, I am sure, that you have your son to cuddle with and team up with to be there for PN. And Mono's notes are surely a comfort for you, too.

My father-in-law passed away a few weeks after my husband and I split up. I tried to be as supportive as possible, but my ex was so angry at me that he didn't want me travel to be with them (in another state), and didn't even let me go to the funeral after my FIL died. It hurt so much not not be able to say my goodbyes and express my condolences to the family, in addition to see my marriage ending.

My MIL is dying now, and it's only a matter of months before she passes away. My ex is not as angry at me anymore, but I wonder what will happen and what I can do when she goes. I was just thinking about this today, as a matter of fact. Now that we're separated, all I can do is ask how she is. He and his family are not a part of my life anymore, which feels so weird! You are blessed to have so many loving people around you.

Aww. May you find your strength and carry on.
 
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Long distance hugs from Karma and me to the whole family. Even the strong pillar needs somewhere to break. You know how to reach us if you need to talk. I'm sorry this week has brought what it has. Let LB know that those strangers his mom talks to online are "proud of you for helping take of Daddy. Doing what you are told without a hassle makes things a lot easier on Mom and Fad and I am sure they appreciate it."

Thinking of you all,
Mo and Karma
 
That's awful, NYCindie. I hope you are welcome to go this time when it comes up. It was likely too early when your father-in-law went. Your ex might not have wanted you to see him so vulnerable then. Saying goodbye properly and letting bygones be bygones is so important, isn't it? Derby said that last night. Why do we, as humans, wait until death to sort things out?

Thanks. Mohegan and Karma. LB will love that the people on the computer said that! Heh :D the message and where it came from.

Hey Karma, we watched a doc on "Darkon" the other night. Very cool. Thought of you. ;) You said it would be cheesy, but we enjoyed it. Any other recommendations to watch?
 
I'm going to be back home this evening and if there is anything at all that you can think of that you need let me know. (or even if it doesn't actually seem like a need but just something that will make yours and PN's lives a little easier through all of this). This conference really hasn't had the best timing. I hate being this far away and not being able to do anything to help you out.
 
RP,

I posted on PN's Facebook.

I'm thinking of all of you. You know where I am if you just need to vent the emotions.

Hugs to you all,
XOXOXOXOOXOX
 
Hey karma, we watched a doc on "Darkon" the other nigth. Very cool. Thought of you ;) you said it would be cheesy, but we enjoyed it. Any other recomendations to watch?

I think we find it cheesy b/c we know those ppl. And it is a lot more dramatic then Darkon really is. I watched alone one night when it was on tv and Karma was out. This was when we first moved here and I was so busy with school I hadn't gotten to know anyone from Darkon yet. It was so wierd to finaly meet these ppl and put them together with the ppl in the movie.
 
Oh I get it. But I can't show you what all can be done with a soft guy, because YOU ARE MONO. :)

Hehe Get it? Mono.

Now just where the heck is the spew alert?

I was drinking some milk, read this & my computer just about WORE my milk! lol
 
Snicker.

Uh huh, Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Just cuz he started it doesn't mean you had to continue it :D ;).
 
Well. PN's dad is on life support now. We are all waiting for his stepmum to decide when the plug should be pulled. I feel like I am in a movie. It isn't real. The talk of wills has begun. It will be a long haul. First the man has to pass on.

LB is cranky and sad. Kids get cranky when they are sad. He is kicking me and whining and telling me he hates stuff. I just keep asking him how he is doing and going at his pace.

I miss my Mono. But really, there is nothing for him to do here. I am so grateful for my sweet Derby and her thoughtful texts and messages this week.

My tribe has really come together for me. I am so grateful.
 
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