Redpepper needing some support

Ooh Redpepper *HUGS* I'm sorry they took it so hard and in the way they expressed their concerns to you. Hopefully time will heal this too. From what I have read of your posts, you seem to be a very strong woman. I have every faith that you will come through this even stronger than before.
Wish I could give you a real hug.

You mentioned about the relationship being strong before saying anything. Those were our thoughts as well. I'm sure no one will be able to shake your family. And you do have a wonderful family with your husband, Mono and your son (again, from what I've heard).
Hopefully they will get over this sooner rather than later.
 
I am sorry you are going through this Redpepper and Mono. I know it sucks to be so heavily judged by family.

Give it some time and let cooler heads prevail. Maybe it can work into grudging acceptance.

A knew a white girl who got pregnant by her black boyfriend (in southern USA). Her parents were angry and mad. Fast forward two years later and the parents love this guy and say they feel proud to have hom in the family. Sometimes they have to learn their prejudice was not right.

I tend to approach issues like this very analytically. They have to learn that this is not cheating. And they should recognize that Mono is taking nothing away. Would they behave as such if an uncle was staying at your house? Hopefully they can eventually appreciate that there is another adult to help watch over the child.

I wish you well in dealing with this.
 
Delayed reply given that I've been indisposed & cut-off from the board for a couple days...and that I needed to figure out how to put more than one word together for a post, since the former one L-word variety just didn't seem as appropriate here.

RP: I actually have nothing that I can offer which you probably don't already know. I have a card in my wallet some friends gave me some years ago with a picture of a boat crashing through some waves, and the caption "YOU CAN PLOW THROUGH ANYTHING". I suppose the other upshot is that now you no longer need to worry or speculate about what they'll say...and instead can focus on where the family is, and where it needs to go.

Mono: Your patience in this resembles that of a Saint given the accusations leveled by the GP's. The fact that it's logical and reasonable given the situation out of context, and the paranoia fed to us by the media notwithstanding...I expect there are very few people could take that kind of finger pointing in stride without breaking it and the arm it's attached to.

Can't resist...have to fit the L-word in somewhere...
I guess next time there's a family 'meeting'...everyone better bring there own *LUBE*!
 
I expect there are very few people could take that kind of finger pointing in stride without breaking it and the arm it's attached to.

Because you and I have similar backgrounds, I completely understand this comment.

This is a part of her parents working through thier own issues. This is her family so I simply won't allow negative energy to cloud my actions and I will focus on bridging this gap between them. I am struggling with a bit of homewrecker syndrome but keep reminding myself that this is about how Redpepper has chosen to live her life and not specifically about me.... although it is easy to target me.

I know I am the right person to go through this with. I am committed to her and her family for life.

Trust me, I'm not always this understanding. If some one were to hurt Redpepper, her husband or son....my reaction would be much different.
 
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Because you and I have similar backgrounds, I completely understand this comment.
I`m glad of that...wouldn`t want it taken as a literal suggestion, since in terms of helping the parents understand you and RP better...it would be, shall we say....counterproductive! :)

I know I am the right person to go through this with. I am committed to her and her family for life.
I don`t expect you`re having an easy time of it...but if anyone`s going to be able to hold fast through this...she chose well.

Trust me, I'm not always this understanding. If some one were to hurt Redpepper, her husband or son....my reaction would be much different.
As you say...I completely understand this comment.
 
So it's been a week and my parents and us are now just emailing back and forth. I have been heart broken, forcing myself to eat and breath. I hate this! :(

After our large fight it has turned into a request by my parents for us to sign off on some property that we co-own with them that is meant for us to go to as a family and enjoy together. Now that Mono is in our lives they figure he has some kind of say on how it is used. I don't see how it would be any different than other chosen family such as my ex girlfriend of 15 years. She has no say on what we do with that property, yet we consider her our family as we now consider Mono. Any close friends we bring there wouldn't have any say either... do they really think that Mono would have a legal right?

There has been a confession that perhaps they would think of me in a "V" more easily if I had chosen a women to have another relationship with. Interesting... not sure what that means.

We have managed at this point to at least be on speaking terms around them seeing our son. We have told them we won't deny them access to him and won't keep him from going over there. This is good as it means in his eyes there is nothing of significance going on.

Fortunately my brother took the news differently. He is working on his doctorate in behavioural biology and so saw the whole thing from the view point of human behaviour. Whatever gets him through I guess. At least he's rational and I actually learned something from him. He had a lot of questions that I did my best to answer, such as why we would chose a relationship rather than just having sex with others and how does my husband feel about it all.

My husbands mum rocked! She is totally fine as long as we are happy. She thought it makes total sense in this day and age of cheating and infidelity, the breaking down of families and what comes out of that for the next generation. She is re-married and thought she might of considered our life style had it been an option back then.

And so we muddle through and are managing....

Thanks for all the support and the private messages I am getting. You are all so very kind and I feel so loved.... that's what it's all about isn't it! :) I honestly feel very surrounded by love and very cared for. I am very fortunate and grateful. It amazes me how good the world can be when we all love each other and help each other through. It makes me feel like there is such hope for us all.
 
It just takes time

I hurt for you RP. Our parents are of a different generation, and see things as black and white, very little shades of grey. As much as they love you, it is a blow to all they have been taught, and no matter how old you are they will think of this situation as something they have done wrong.

Having read many of your posts and threads, I know that these two men in your life, are your life. They are good for you, and you are good for them. You take strength from them and they take strength from you. Right now you need their strength, love and support.

Once your parents see with their own eyes that you are the same person you have always been, that your marriage hasn't changed, that your son is still healthy and happy, things could change. Give them time. The same time you have given those people in your life that didn't understand.

Yes it means more, hurts more because it's your parents.They are supposed to love and accept you no matter what your decisions.But they are still just human beings. With human emotions, thoughts and feelings.

They raised a wonderful,open daughter, and they will accept the wonderful, open, daughter they raised.

Stay strong and believe in who you are. I haven't met you, and yet believe in your strength and wisdom.
 
Family can act weird about the oddest things. I think the property issue is just one way they can assert some control over the situation and register their displeasure. It is not rational, just a reaction. I am not sure what the best response to this is. Maybe play it off as no big deal?

It is good that this does not affect your son. Maybe once they see that they are over reacting, they will start toning down some of their actions.

That is interesting about them accepting it more as a "v" if it were a woman instead of a man you were datng. Maybe if it were a woman, you would be exploring your bisexual side. With a man... well, now you are just being redundant...?

Hang in there. I bet things will settle down over time and get better.
 
That is interesting about them accepting it more as a "v" if it were a woman instead of a man you were datng. Maybe if it were a woman, you would be exploring your bisexual side. With a man... well, now you are just being redundant...?


The thing is, RP was gay for many years so they already know she "explored" her bisexual side. If she had a GF, they'd have some sort of problem with that, too. This is a storm that needs to be weathered, it will pass, but until then, whatever gets 'em through the night. Right?
 
So it's been a week and my parents and us are now just emailing back and forth. I have been heart broken, forcing myself to eat and breath. I hate this! :(

We have managed at this point to at least be on speaking terms around them seeing our son. We have told them we won't deny them access to him and won't keep him from going over there. This is good as it means in his eyes there is nothing of significance going on.

Fortunately my brother took the news differently. He is working on his doctorate in behavioural biology and so saw the whole thing from the view point of human behaviour. Whatever gets him through I guess. At least he's rational and I actually learned something from him. He had a lot of questions that I did my best to answer, such as why we would chose a relationship rather than just having sex with others and how does my husband feel about it all.

My husbands mum rocked! She is totally fine as long as we are happy. She thought it makes total sense in this day and age of cheating and infidelity, the breaking down of families and what comes out of that for the next generation. She is re-married and thought she might of considered our life style had it been an option back then.

And so we muddle through and are managing....

Thanks for all the support and the private messages I am getting. You are all so very kind and I feel so loved.... that's what it's all about isn't it! :) I honestly feel very surrounded by love and very cared for. I am very fortunate and grateful. It amazes me how good the world can be when we all love each other and help each other through. It makes me feel like there is such hope for us all.

I have been following your thread and hoping things have settled a bit for you. Ironically we had a few posts back and forth in regard to my difficulties with the same sort of issues! I continue to struggle everyday with the constant paranoid feeling that the outside world including my family watches with a suspicious eye. It puts a toll on you for sure. I just think all of my choices are made out of love and it seems so wrong to hide something that is so good. I wish the world would not be so judgemental and realize there is no normal and people can love and be happy in all kinds of situations.
 
I remember our posts pokey. I dreaded having to tell them, but now I am glad to be able to settle in again without feeling like I have been deceptive. It feels better than ever.

I have been very sad though at times. It is passing though. With time things are beginning to happen to indicate it will be okay.

Last week I brought my parents flowers from the farmers stand I go to and gave my mum a back pack I have that I know she likes. My Dad thanked me for the flowers but I heard nothing from my Mum until last night. She had given back some items of ours from the property we share and we had heard from the lawyer that she is waiting to make an appointment to sign the property over to them. I was feeling very sad and hopeless at that point but decided to reach out to my Dad and ask him out for coffee. He agreed to after the weekend as he will be away. Later that night my Mum emailed and thanked me for the items I sent and asked if she could come too.

It's a small step, but a step. It's in public so I am hoping that will find away to control the emotions that come up. Hopefully.

I feel as if I am doing what they want in signing the property over, but I would rather have peace than property. Besides, if there is peace then the chances of ever going there again are greater. I wouldn't want to go there if things stayed cold and silent between us. We had such good times there and Mono was included. Maybe we can get back to that? Maybe not... I think there is a better chance the latter if I do as I'm told this time... and cross my fingers that it will be a win win situation.
 
the silence is loud....!

Just an update for those following...

Well, It's been over a month since my Mum stopped talking to me now. It seems that, according to my Dad, she is determined that she is right and that Mono is a threat to my family and my child. Apparently she has threatened to write me out of her will as she thinks I am going to abandon my child and husband.

Tonight she went to her first counseling appointment under the notion that she would find another companion on her crusade to prove I'm wrong and that my life style is dangerous to her/societies status quo. I hope that this counselor sees through her paranoia and brings her back on track with it being her issue and her misery that causes her grief, not me.

Anyway, I could go on about the nuances of my mother, but I won't.

My point is that I am in mourning over the loss of my mother. I have been in every mourning stage. Disbelief, anger, sadness, denial, and back... I'm exhausted by it. I can't believe she is believing the stories in her head, I am so angry that she has removed herself from all our lives, including my son, I'm sad that she doesn't love me for who I am and is not happy for what I have, I don't believe that she is serious and really doesn't want me in her life. It goes round and around constantly.

My Dad believes some of it also... we did have a relatively good chat over tea, but we fell into the same dynamic of him talking, me listening and then him saying that he thought we were done and it's time to go, before I got to say what I wanted to say. I managed to tell him how our love works and where it comes from, that it wasn't because I lost a child and needed to fill that space and that I am that I am filled with love and happiness in my life and so are my husband and son also.

There is so much work to do.... but just like poly brings out openness and honesty, so has coming out as poly.
 
I don't want anyone to do anything, thanks for thinking you can though :)

I just thought I should catch people up as it is important to me to be useful... what else of good will come out of it I don't know, but at least it makes me feel better that it might be useful to talk about it.

It's useful in that I can vent a little... thanks for that.
 
I'm sorry your Mom's still not speaking to you. Do you have any idea how the therapy session went at all via your dad?
 
Im sad to hear that your Mum hasnt moved past all this. And I am Hoping that in time as she continues to see how this relationship does work ( even from a distance) for you and your family that she will come around.
 
I don't know yet. The silence continues.

My mum is much like me in terms of determination. If she thinks she is right (and she does about everything) then it could be monthes before she let's it go. It will take her realizing that either she gives up her fight to get us to say she is right and swearing we will never be poly again, or realizing that she misses us in her life and that she has done this to herself. We will see what wins out. It could be a very long time.

I don't forsee ever being close to her again actually. I am imagining a future whereby I have to fight with her to do anything in terms of her future care. She is almost 70 and will be one of those bitchy hard done by old ladies who never dealt with their shit when they were younger and now takes it out on everyone around. I think anyway. Grrrreeat!

Maybe I should move out of town. Like across the country so my brother has to deal with her. He was always a mumma's boy and she has always adored him. I was always more of an annoyance as I apparently misbehaved. Really I was just a girl child who was first in order of children trying to get my mothers attention and affection because I never got any. I'm making up for that double time now with my men. Apparently that is wrong. Really I have never had so much attention, unconditional love and support as I do now. Maybe she should just let me be and let me heal from my childhood as is my responsibility as a result.

Sorry, I'm off! I get very angry and defensive lately. I am really very hurt and I apoligize if that comes out here.

I am just so sick of people whining about stuff. A little whining is of course normal and understandable, but we owe it to ourselves and those around us to get on with life and create what we need. I have done that and am now working on creating a mindset whereby I can live, for good without my mothers attention. In the mean time learning how not to do that with my own child.

Always a struggle and always something to work on. So I'm staying on task.

Thanks for listening.
 
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