The First Broken Heart

StrangerinKS

New member
Well, that was fast.

Three months ago, I fell in love with a beautiful woman. Both my wife and her husband approved of our relationship. The first month was total bliss...a lot of sex-related NRE no doubt, but also just amazing intellectual chemistry. She helped me through some difficult emotional problems, and I helped her through some of hers.

Then it fell apart. I went on a business trip. While I was gone, she had an encounter with another man. That was fine, it wasn't against our rules or anything like that. I did have some jealousy over it, but I got through it in a few days.

But then things went downhill from there. Her other guy lived 10 minutes from her house, while I am 40 miles away. Due to my work schedule, I could only see her once a week or so. She began seeing him two, then three, then four, then five times a week. The thing that hurt the most was that she just presented this as fait accompli, not giving me time to adjust. She continued to say through all of this that I was her primary lover (other than her husband of course) and that the other guy was just someone she was having fun with. However, she was spending so much time with him that the things we used to do, texting and emails and chatting and phone calls, tapered off dramatically.

I coped as best as I could and was doing the best I could to accept the situation. Finally, three weeks ago, during our weekly get-together, I asked her if I was really still her primary lover, or if the other guy was now. She admitted that the other guy was now her main interest both romantically and sexually, but that she still loved me. I told her that it was really hard to go from being the primary lover to the secondary lover without seeming to have any input in the matter and I needed time to think about it.

She then told me that the "main" reason she had chosen him was that it was "easier" to be with him because she knew she was hurting me by being with him since he isn't as sensitive as I am. Essentially, when I demonstrated pain over the situation, it just made her want to be with the other guy more, which of course just made my pain worse. Irony: she said the reason she fell in love with me in the first place is because I am so honest and open emotionally. Apparently it is the same reason she ended up picking the other guy.

It was a no-win situation. I felt like she was giving me an ultimatum: "stop feeling bad about this or I will leave you completely." It felt like blackmail, and I wouldn't stand for that, so I finally took the initative and broke up with her. My wife says I deserve someone much better than this person turned out to be. I know that is true, yet my heart still bleeds with pain, and I can't get this woman out of my head.

We've had a few scattered electronic contacts in the last two weeks and she says she misses me tremendously and still loves me but does not want to cause me further pain. Despite all that happened, i still feel love for her too. But it co-exists with a huge amount of pain. I was hoping that taking the initiative and breaking up with her myself would help me heal from what felt like a betrayal, but it just made it worse.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to cope? I still love her and want to be friends with her, but the dichotomy between the love and the pain is ripping me apart.
 
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It sounds like you were in love with this woman and emotionally invested in her, but she was in it for the sex. It doesn't sound like she want's an emotional connection with her partners, just someone to play with.
 
in love

Yes, I was in love with her and heavily invested emotionally. I still think I am in love with her.

She SAID she was in love with me too, and even that she still is. But she also says that she is in love with the other guy, and she didn't understand why I made it so complicated. I tried to explain that I was having a hard time because the rules kept changing so quickly, without my input and without giving me time to adjust. Even that I would have gotten used to in time I think, but the part I could not take was when she said that it was my pain and confusion over the situation that was pushing her to be with the other guy. I felt like she was trying to put the burden of responsibility for her own choices onto me.

I just don't know how to get over this. The wound is very deep.
 
I agree that it seems you did make things more complicated than they needed to be. In your first post, you said that her seeing someone else wasn't against your rules, and yet you are upset that the rules "kept changing." You were able to see her once a week, but you couldn't enjoy being with her because you were focused on her relationship with the other guy instead of what you two had together. Why should it matter whether she labels you her primary, secondary, tertiary -- or her little nincompoop, for that matter -- as long as you are having a good time and enjoying each other's company? I have to say, it seems that you let yourself become a bit clingy and possessive. It sounds like you got caught up in a whirlwind and did not want to come back down to earth. And now you're having a tantrum. If I were her, I would have felt as if there were nothing I could do that would satisfy you, or help assuage your insecurities. You would've pushed me away, too! To me, it looks like your broken heart involves an awful lot of wounded pride. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's my take on it -- and I do offer my opinion in the hope that it can be helpful to you in some way. I think the best way you can deal with this is to look at your part, and what you were responsible for in how it all played out.
 
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thanks

That's fine, I don't disagree with anything you've said here. Obviously my insecurities had a great deal to do with it, and yes, I am working on myself.
 
Distance and time. You were farther away and had less time. I doubt she'll keep up the pace she has been with him. Can't imagine five times a week will sit well with her husband for long. It may be that she'll reach for you when the pendulum starts swinging back. You may not want it, but umm, don't be surprised.
 
It sounds to me like she might be a bit of an NRE junkie. The NRE died down with you and your absence for work didn't help that, and so she found another to have that energy with.

There is nothing wrong with NRE if there is some control over it and all the foundations of poly are at play. For me the foundations are to respect, communicate honestly and openly, have integrity and empathy. It sounds like she was a bit short of empathy and not entirely respectful as a result. It doesn't sound like your feelings weren't considered by her and that you were made to suck it up while she just went ahead and did whatever she wanted... I don't know, as I don't have her story, but that is what it is sounding like from your perspective when she said was more drawn to him because of your hurt and pain.

I don't see why you needed to break up though. I guess if it was all too much then ya, but there might of been room to negotiate your boundaries a bit more and a long conversation with her and him might of achieved some more appropriate boundaries for all of you.

There is no reason you had to give up your once a week and be in her life with less texts etc. You could of requested that when you see her for a weekly date that there only be an hour of conversation about him and the rest be free to talk about other stuff and requested that in order to feel she loves you that she text you once a day... that's the thing with poly, you can work out whatever dynamic works... to me it sounds like you were on the verge of that and then threw the baby out with the bathwater and gave up because it was too hard and you wanted it over... well, it doesn't sound over, because you are still hurting and so is she.
 
I don't see why you needed to break up . . . There is no reason you had to give up your once a week and be in her life with less texts etc. You could of requested that when you see her for a weekly date . . . it sounds like you were on the verge of that and then threw the baby out with the bathwater . . .
I agree with RP on this. I actually was going to add something about that to my post, but didn't for some reason. I think you two could still work it out and continue with the relationship, but you have to deal with your insecurities and know what the parameters are. Plus focus on what you have with her, not what she has with him or anyone else.
 
breakup

After thinking about it the last few days, I have to agree with both of you. The breakup was premature on my part...this could have been fixed, or at least I needed to give it more time. This was the first poly experience for either one of us, and the mistakes are clear.

I miss her terribly, and from her brief messages it appears she feels the same way but she says she still needs time to think. But she also said she doesn't want to cause me further pain. I just don't know if this can be rebuilt.

I really don't know what to do. I am working on my insecurities, which is all I can do now. But I can't get her out of my head, I still feel totally in love with her, and I miss her so damn much.
 
back

If I could do anything right now, it would be to have her back, with me working on my insecurities and both of us doing a better job of communicating.

Alas, I don't know if she is willing to try, or if my wife will approve if I want to try.

I just feel like an idiot for reacting out of fear and not giving this more time to play out.
 
yes

I have told my wife this. She disagrees and thinks the breakup was right, although she has also said that she won't veto anything if I really want it...though I would have a hard time going through with it if I felt she didn't really approve. I have not told my lover this. I have been trying to give her space.
 
my wife . . . thinks the breakup was right, although she has also said that she won't veto anything if I really want it...though I would have a hard time going through with it if I felt she didn't really approve. I have not told my lover this. I have been trying to give her space.
Your wife is probably just reacting to seeing you hurting. Of course she cares about you, but she might be jumping a little too hard on the break-up bandwagon, I don't know. If there is something there with this woman and you are both still missing each other, it seems to me you can still work it out. And if your wife saw that, I think she would be supportive of that, unless she's disapproving of the woman herself or not really wanting you to have another relationship. But don't just wonder about whether or not it could work with this woman again, express to her that you want it to and will strive for it to work. Why not ask her to give you another chance.
 
wife

My wife is very angry because she didn't think the other woman was sensitive enough to my feelings and made too many unilateral changes. She has no problem sharing me, in fact she enthusiastically supported the relationship for a long time, and even now she knows how much it meant to me and how much I miss my lover. My wife tends to be very protective of me, and she usually gets angrier about me getting hurt than I do.

My heart wants to see my lover immediately and ask for another shot at making this work, but it may be too soon to ask my wife for permission to do this, and it may be too soon to broach the subject with my lover.
 
My wife is very angry because she didn't think the other woman was sensitive enough to my feelings and made too many unilateral changes. She has no problem sharing me, in fact she enthusiastically supported the relationship for a long time, and even now she knows how much it meant to me and how much I miss my lover. My wife tends to be very protective of me, and she usually gets angrier about me getting hurt than I do.

I like your wife. Do not mess with Momma Bear or her tribe, you might loose vital parts :D
 
wife

My wife is an amazing woman. She is the center of my life, the mother of my children, my soulmate and best friend.

When i met my lover, my wife saw how happy it made me and was secure enough to encourage the relationship strongly. When problems arose, she was patient and supportive at first and helped me deal with the insecurities, but the last couple of weeks she got angry about what she felt was insensitive behavior and carelessness with my feelings on the part of my lover. When my lover told me I was no longer her primary interest because of the fact that I was having insecurity issues, that was kind of the final straw for my wife.

She is still helping me through this but she's angry..at the other woman but also a bit with me since i am having second thoughts about the wisdom of the breakup. She says she can support us trying to rebuild a friendship, although I can tell that bothers her too. She doesn't think i should go "crawling back" and ask for more than just friends though. The thing is, it doesn't feel inside like I would be "crawling back." It feels more like wanting to heal and rebuild something even better than what we had. But perhaps I am just deluding myself.
 
You need to ask permission? Your wife has veto? I can't see how this would be healthy. Is this not your life and your decision? Why should others have a say in that; girlfriend, wife, whomever.

Poly causes pain. That's just part of it. It is the difference between making poly a lifestyle choice or not. Some see the worth of the pain as there is gain as an end result most of the time and some don't. Whether we are naturally poly or not is irrelevant to me, its how much you are willing to face your shit that makes poly workable. If you aren't and if everyone is worried about you being in pain and you do as they say, then perhaps this lifestle is not for you. That is for you to decide, not your wife and not your girlfriend and not any of us. Its your life and your choice.
 
wife

She says she would not veto anything. But her opinion matters to me. Maybe it shouldn't from your POV, but it does to mine. It is another factor that I have to consider, whether such a decision would stress my marraige or not.
 
She says she would not veto anything. But her opinion matters to me. Maybe it shouldn't from your POV, but it does to mine. It is another factor that I have to consider, whether such a decision would stress my marraige or not.
I didn't say it didn't matter. I said that its ultimately your choice.
 
The thing is, it doesn't feel inside like I would be "crawling back." It feels more like wanting to heal and rebuild something even better than what we had. But perhaps I am just deluding myself.
It doesn't sound to me like you're deluding yourself. It sounds more like you see possibility with her still, and you realize you broke it off hastily, but are now trying to be very, very, ver-rr-ry careful. It seems quite plausible that there's still the chance of rebuilding the relationship with your lover, as lovers, and it turning out to be really great -- even if your wife doesn't approve. At first. I don't know how beneficial it is to tiptoe around her about it, it's like you're walking on eggshells. If you told your wife that in your heart you think it feels right and you can work it out, how can she deny you? Plus, I think it's more detrimental to the relationship with your lover to wait too long to ask if you can try again, but that could be just me. I like answers right away so I can move forward.
When my lover told me I was no longer her primary interest because of the fact that I was having insecurity issues, that was kind of the final straw for my wife.
Why would your wife be mad at her for that? I still don't see how your lover created any problems. The problems you had, from what you've written here, appear to have risen out of your insecurities and possessiveness. Personally, I don't see how you could have been a primary for your lover (since that label is so important to you), given the distance, time available, and that she is married, too.
 
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