Hi folks,
I enjoy reading these boards, even though I rarely post. Usually by the time I read a thread, all good advice has been given. Tonight, I am coming here to share my pain. I am not sure if there can be a solution to my problem, but at least I will give it a try.
My wife and I have been married for eight years and in 2009 we seriously began discussing having some form of an open relationship. There were ups and downs and periods of insecurity in the beginning. However, we always kept it civil and never acted against the wishes of each other.
For about two years already, we have been having the understanding that family comes first, and after that we can each (or together) have friends, lovers, and play partners, so long as there is full disclosure and safe sex practices. Because of work schedules we didn't do too much, but still we did some:
She had a boyfriend who was from a poly couple and who was a great match for her. Unfortunately, long distance and scheduling issues prevented the relationship to progress past the platonic phase and last longer, despite plans for more.
I had a girlfriend for several months, with whom the relationship remained platonic. I also got physical with two women with whom the relationships were shorter.
As a couple, we visited a poly conference, some lifestyle resorts, and a couple of play parties where we engaged in soft swap. We also began frequenting a local dungeon (no sex allowed) where we mingle, play with each other, or with others. It was so much fun to see her happy during play! She started just recently considering getting some play partners who are into light bondage. Also, over the last year we have been getting nude whenever we can and our sex life has spiced up.
It all looks great, right? Also, during the last two years (see the third paragraph above) she appeared quite happy, at least for most of the time, during and after events.
This evening, she told me that she fees jealous and that she is not comfortable with me playing or having relationships with others. She said that her interacting with others (play or relationships) was stressful enough to make the little joys not worth it. In short, it was something like "Honey, for me this doesn't bring much fun and I don't want you to do it." She mentioned that she could do some light version of soft swap if this is what I wanted, but I don't want her to be taking one for the team and for me, being limited to soft is not enough.
Over the past two years, there were a couple of times when she felt uncomfortable with our arrangement, during which times I told her that I'd never do anything to hurt her. A week later she would tell me that she felt happy and comfortable with our general open understanding. Knowing from this and other boards that it is common to have jealousy and insecurity issues in even the most successful poly or open relationships, I believed her completely.
This evening, she told me that she had been feeling jealous and that she was not comfortable with me playing or having relationships with others. And she did it in a manner that appeared quite serious. When I asked "what about all those fun times" she told me "I tried, I really tried but it is just not for me."
I let her know that freedom is extremely important for me and that when we married I tried to suppress my desires in the way our society expect us to do. I reminded her that after four years of feeling it more and more difficult to hide it, I began telling her how I felt and eventually we arrived to what appeared to be a beautiful understanding. "I could live with you like this for eternity" was what I would tell her every so often in celebration of our relationship.
To me, is it not even the frequency in which I can have a pleasant contact with a new lover that matter most. It is the fact that everything is at least theoretically possible, and that who knows, with a little luck such and such nice things can happen. What also bugs me is that numerous times she has been telling me how comfortable she was with me, knowing that I was not interested in "playing house" with anyone else.
She tells me, and I agree, that intellectually she is perfectly fine with open relationships and poly. It is her feelings that she does feel jealous and want to call it off. I know that feelings are feelings, they are there, regardless of whether they are justified or now.
If feel awful. Physically sick. Sometimes on these boards I read the sarcastic version of how the new-to-poly person tells their mono partner "here are the books on poly, get used to it." Today I feel the same but in the reverse "I am closing the relationship, I hope you can cope with it." I do not want to part ways with my wife. We have too much in common and have eaten too much salt together. We have build our lives around each other. But I don't know how I can keep going if she remains adamant. This is very important to me and right now I feel like I just want to shut my brain. The pain is too strong.
So far I see the following scenarios:
1. She changes her mind - Yey!
2. She remains adamant, and
a) I try to cope, remaining miserable for the rest of my life. I know this because I have been trying to stay vanilla mono during the first half of the marriage;
b) I see others over her objections - I don't want to do it;
c) We part ways - I don't want to do it.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
I enjoy reading these boards, even though I rarely post. Usually by the time I read a thread, all good advice has been given. Tonight, I am coming here to share my pain. I am not sure if there can be a solution to my problem, but at least I will give it a try.
My wife and I have been married for eight years and in 2009 we seriously began discussing having some form of an open relationship. There were ups and downs and periods of insecurity in the beginning. However, we always kept it civil and never acted against the wishes of each other.
For about two years already, we have been having the understanding that family comes first, and after that we can each (or together) have friends, lovers, and play partners, so long as there is full disclosure and safe sex practices. Because of work schedules we didn't do too much, but still we did some:
She had a boyfriend who was from a poly couple and who was a great match for her. Unfortunately, long distance and scheduling issues prevented the relationship to progress past the platonic phase and last longer, despite plans for more.
I had a girlfriend for several months, with whom the relationship remained platonic. I also got physical with two women with whom the relationships were shorter.
As a couple, we visited a poly conference, some lifestyle resorts, and a couple of play parties where we engaged in soft swap. We also began frequenting a local dungeon (no sex allowed) where we mingle, play with each other, or with others. It was so much fun to see her happy during play! She started just recently considering getting some play partners who are into light bondage. Also, over the last year we have been getting nude whenever we can and our sex life has spiced up.
It all looks great, right? Also, during the last two years (see the third paragraph above) she appeared quite happy, at least for most of the time, during and after events.
This evening, she told me that she fees jealous and that she is not comfortable with me playing or having relationships with others. She said that her interacting with others (play or relationships) was stressful enough to make the little joys not worth it. In short, it was something like "Honey, for me this doesn't bring much fun and I don't want you to do it." She mentioned that she could do some light version of soft swap if this is what I wanted, but I don't want her to be taking one for the team and for me, being limited to soft is not enough.
Over the past two years, there were a couple of times when she felt uncomfortable with our arrangement, during which times I told her that I'd never do anything to hurt her. A week later she would tell me that she felt happy and comfortable with our general open understanding. Knowing from this and other boards that it is common to have jealousy and insecurity issues in even the most successful poly or open relationships, I believed her completely.
This evening, she told me that she had been feeling jealous and that she was not comfortable with me playing or having relationships with others. And she did it in a manner that appeared quite serious. When I asked "what about all those fun times" she told me "I tried, I really tried but it is just not for me."
I let her know that freedom is extremely important for me and that when we married I tried to suppress my desires in the way our society expect us to do. I reminded her that after four years of feeling it more and more difficult to hide it, I began telling her how I felt and eventually we arrived to what appeared to be a beautiful understanding. "I could live with you like this for eternity" was what I would tell her every so often in celebration of our relationship.
To me, is it not even the frequency in which I can have a pleasant contact with a new lover that matter most. It is the fact that everything is at least theoretically possible, and that who knows, with a little luck such and such nice things can happen. What also bugs me is that numerous times she has been telling me how comfortable she was with me, knowing that I was not interested in "playing house" with anyone else.
She tells me, and I agree, that intellectually she is perfectly fine with open relationships and poly. It is her feelings that she does feel jealous and want to call it off. I know that feelings are feelings, they are there, regardless of whether they are justified or now.
If feel awful. Physically sick. Sometimes on these boards I read the sarcastic version of how the new-to-poly person tells their mono partner "here are the books on poly, get used to it." Today I feel the same but in the reverse "I am closing the relationship, I hope you can cope with it." I do not want to part ways with my wife. We have too much in common and have eaten too much salt together. We have build our lives around each other. But I don't know how I can keep going if she remains adamant. This is very important to me and right now I feel like I just want to shut my brain. The pain is too strong.
So far I see the following scenarios:
1. She changes her mind - Yey!
2. She remains adamant, and
a) I try to cope, remaining miserable for the rest of my life. I know this because I have been trying to stay vanilla mono during the first half of the marriage;
b) I see others over her objections - I don't want to do it;
c) We part ways - I don't want to do it.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
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