Everyone has a story.. This is mine

cagedbutterfly

New member
Where do I begin?

I discovered at a very young age that I was attracted strongly to girls.
I never at all gravitated towards the male gender and I was told that I was some what of a "man hater" through-out my adolscent years and into early adulthood

In some ways I was attracted to men, but found the need to supress that in order to please my female partners. I was a "lesbian" but being somewhat lipstick and carrying a handbag always seemed to be mocked by the crowd I was in. So even thinking outwardly that I was bi-sexual was something that just couldn't be dealt with.

In 2006 my mother died of cancer, I went through a very hard time struggling with depression and anixety. I delt with this largely on my own but also eventually sort treatment from my doctor and with the help of a pyschologist I was able to get back onto my feet.

On 30/01/08 I was having an ordinarly crappy day at work, I was sick and spent most of my lunch break sleeping in my car. Unfortauntly working for a company that was heavily based around sales and customer service.. I was told that in order to be considered for any promotions in the future.. I would have to attend a work function later that night and a dinner with all of our sales reps.

I had never met most of these guys, they seemed nice enough but again being a "lesbian" I wasn't really interested in them. Later in the afternoon I noticed a guy walk in.. full shirt and tie, looking very nice. 5 minutes later I saw that he'd removed his tie, and had his shirt unbuttoned exposing his chest hair.
I turned back and thought to myself "what a wanker" then he turned around and I saw his bum and thought "damn nice ass"

I was surprised because although I admired the male form, I didn't look at men and think "yeah i'd tap that" because I didnt want to!!!

So I went home and perked myself up and then headed to the dinner.
I got stuck on a table with people who didn't like me very much, I was much much younger and I am known to be out there and opinionated!

My only escape was my nasty smoking habit. So standing outside this restaurant I was just about to light my smoke when infront of me pops "R" also known as the guy with the nice butt from earlier in the day.

I was generally suspcious of goodlooking people being nice, honestly I blame my age then (20) but I said sure and I expected him to light his smoke and be on his way. Well he stayed and for once in my life, meeting a strange man I had an open and easy conversation.
When it ended I thought to myself "gee he's a nice guy, thats suprising"

Over the next few weeks and then months I found myself wanting to talk to him more and more. I would answer calls in my customer service job (even though it wasn't my responsibility) just to get to talk to him and after a few months we exchanged emails and personal phone numbers.

R always had a "housemate" who from better judgement, I knew was his girlfriend or partner. Weither or not he could admit it to himself if someone lives in your house, cooks your dinner, washes your clothes and supports you.
Thats your girlfriend!!!

Our friendship progressed nicely and we began to share details of our current lives, and our past history.

R was taken, and generally quite emotionally unavailable. I knew he had feelings for me and I for him, but I had no intention of actioning anything and neither did he. All though we talked about "what ifs" there was no planning and I didn't encourage him to leave his partner, and I wasn't negative about their relationship.

18 months later R's partner left him when he had gone away for a few days for work. He was depressed and in a downward spiral after this happened. He didn't want to accept this relationship was over, and he didnt want to except.. that it was his fault. I wont go into details because that is their story and not mine.

At the same time, I was not in a great place.. I had struggled with depression again on and off. I worried that R would end his life, or drink himself into a place he couldn't come out of. He was being extremely negative and self distructive and it was something I couldn't handle. So I walked away.

For 5 months, I avoided contract with him at work completely to both of our detriments because we did good things together.

At the same time I continued a friendship with someone who was close to him so I knew he was doing better and that made me happy.

In Feb of 2010 I started to get into a better place and I decided I would be ready to talk to R again. I was worried what we once had,which was an amazing working dynamic and friendship would be gone.
To my suprise when we started talking again, it was like nothing had happened.

In the same week we started talking again, R met W and they started to build a relationship. I will not excuse what R did during this time, and the 12 months following because I still don't agree with it.

R & W relationship continued to foster. I was always aware of her exisistance in his life and knew that they had a relationship. R has never had an exclusive relationship with anyone besides his wife, and the mother of his 2 kids and that was many years before.

I assumed and rightly so that there relationship was not 100 % serious and that she was aware that I held a place in his heart.


In June of 2010 after months of back and forth and decisions and deciding..

R decided to fly down to see me. It was only a 24 hour trip but it was amazing. I will say honestly even looking back it was still one of the best days of my life.


My relationship with R continued to grow but for me it was nothing on a serious basis.. I knew about W and I knew that also there would be other women in the picture...

We did spend time togerther and although the trips were not close together, I didn't suspect that this had anything other to do with that he was busy. I loved him, and he loved me and we were enjoying each other and not looking to far into the future.


In Feb of 2011 R resigned from the company we worked at.
The next day he was down and I talked to him for almost an hour on the phone.

R's interest in me outside of work hours was then questioned by W who was there at the time. R then proceeded to confess to W not only that we'd slept together but that he was in love with me.

This didn't go down well to say the least. I don't blame W for being upset at all, R used the defensive of "we never discussed the boundaries of our relationship so it wasn't cheating" Call it what you will, I felt like a damn whore.

W left but was back within 24 hours and wanting to try and make it work.
I guess she underestimated our connection and thought we could end but all these months later I am sitting in the office next to him.

Our poly relationship then began. R and I realised that we didn't want to give up on what we had, and that we wanted to see what it could be.
 
Scheduling conflicts

So I will interup my talk about where it began to talk about where we are right now with a few things.


R is going to China in a few weeks, for 2 weeks. He will then be back towards for the last working week before Christmas. He then has to have some surgery and then its basically Christmas.

A few months ago R and I had discussed Christmas Vs Newyear debate.
I didn't assume anything but R told me that we would spend this New Years Eve together. Last Christmas and NYE was spent with W and then on the first he drove 6 hours to spend his remaining holidays with me and some friends.

We planned to go to my home town on the 30th or even on the 31st and then we would be togerther up until the Friday the 6th. Which is 8 solid days together.

Christmas isn't a big deal to me since my mum died and I don't intend to fly home so I may see R & W on Christmas if that pans out (But i'm not banking on it)

So basically because R & I had 8 days or nights together I counted backwards and that meant that W was with him from the 22nd to the 29th which is 8 days. Same as me. This works out well for them, as they are planning to go down to see her family and then have a few lazy days together.

Today R came to me and said W had made a proposal.

She still gets her 8 solid days and nights with him, and I get 6.
Now it may only seem like 2 days, but its still 2 days.

She then suggests we spend the remaining 4 nights together. Which means "THEY" spend the remaining 4 nights together because when they are together. They get to sleep together because that is what SHE is comfortable with.

I am behond annoyed right now, and I off the cuff told him no.

I also found out that if we don't plan on going to my home town, then we basically have to spend NYE with W because she is going to be at the place we were going to be!

Really??

I am trying to breathe but the more I think about it the mader I get.

I will under NO cicurmstances spend NYE with W, it would cause too many issues and too much pain. I would have to pretend that he wasn't my partner because we'd all be out in an environment that just wouldn't support that.
She can't stand us kissing, and that first NYE kiss with the person you love, thats special and I haven't had some one to kiss in so long and I was looking forward to that time together.

If I am at all to consider spending those 4 days together. 2 of those days, R will be in bed with me for the night and W can sleep on the bunk bed. Why? Because I am not going to be pushed into spending less time with my partner, so you can spend more time with yours!

That doesn't make any sense and its not something you can accept.


She then suggested that we come back to
 
So today is a bad day.

Last night R, W and I all ended up at our place.
It just worked out better that way logistically.
I made dinner and we all ate and watched tv, W did the dishes.
R made a comment about how he wishes we could all live together.

He was grumpy and I am going to assume its some kind of guilt.
He ended up falling asleep on the couch and then doing to bed with W at 3am. Needless to say he is not very well this morning.


Today I am finding it hard to deal with what I assume was the premeditated act of him cheating on us.
W made a comment last night when just her and I were talking about him having no self control. He has self control, he just doesn't know what boundaries are.
I tell myself that I can deal with this, and that its just one slip.
But truely its not, he was always going to slip. I am angry it happened. I am angry it was SO soon. I am angry that despite all the sex I have with him it wasn't enough.

He got a new phone and I was loading all his contacts into it.
I checked the messages because really he shouldnt he hiding anything right?

Of course he was, of course I found messages he'd sent to his ex.
I feel sick, I want to confront him but how do I explain in order to know he breached my trust, that I breached his.

Maybe I am not right for this.
Maybe hes not right for me.

It doesn't seem this way.
He thought he wouldn't get caught.
 
As an uninvolved outside observer? He's a selfish, self-involved guy masquerading as a caring guy. This is, I think, why some older men seek out younger women -- because inexperience makes it harder to spot the unaddressed personality flaws hiding under the mask. Harsh, yes, but not moreso than he deserves. He wants whatever he wants and he'll say whatever he needs to in order to get it. If you value your own mental health and happiness above all else, leave. If you feel the need to give this relationship another try, have him read everything posted here and then give him a chance to show you how he's amending his ways, starting with telling W about his infidelity.

Btw, your post from 10pm yesterday seems to have been cut off mid-sentence?
 
Annabel its easy to say that he was hiding behind a mask.
But the truth it, I knew everything before I moved here.
I knew all the character flaws, his weaknesses, lies and mistakes.

I knew it all but somehow I think being young prevented me from understanding that these are not things that are easy to overcome.
Thats not my defensive of him by the way, he doesn't deserve defence..

It's just me asking myself why I chose to move when I knew the risks, because they were large.

I am going to talk to him tonight about possibly going on a break until I can work out what I want.

The fact of the matter is, I don't trust him and I wont until he can prove that he is trustworthy I don't think I can continue to live like this.
 
The fact of the matter is, I don't trust him and I wont until he can prove that he is trustworthy I don't think I can continue to live like this.

Something a lot of people don't realize... if he's not already worthy of trust, then he can never prove himself to be trustworthy. Generally, people with these tendencies don't change unless some outside catalyst forces them to, such as being left by a close partner or the sudden accidental death of a close friend. In his case, it's unlikely that he will spontaneously learn from his lifetime of mistakes and wake-up a changed person.
 
That sounds like an emotionally unpredictable and stressful situation. It also sounds like you share something really intense with him, especially after having such a long break and then coming back together and it still being just as wonderful.

All of that struggling and compromising on your part must be really unrewarding at this point, given then he's not matching you with the compromise and care (from my perspective). You sound like a giving, understanding person really looking to make a strong connection, and like you are starting to realize that this might not be it.

Your heart is your best guide; you know what is okay with you, and what is not okay with you. It doesn't sound like there is a lot of wiggle room for you to get what you want with this man, and you certainly deserve to get what you want in life.

I think that you've been really brave - opening your life, heart and body up to a man. The fact that he is your "first" in a lot of ways probably makes him even more special, on top of all of the history and experiences that you have had with him.

Be honest. Stand up for yourself. If he still can't give you what you want, then you have an answer that will probably hurt a LOT, but at least you'll know that this is not the man for you.

I have to say too, that I have a lot of respect for you stepping away from the situation when you knew that it wasn't healthy. That's a really good sign that you are in tune with yourself, and aren't afraid to set good boundaries.
 
Thank you Chloejane.

I am really trying to be strong and know what I want.
But just giving it some more time before I think about giving it all up might be what I need too do.
 
So today is a better day.

We had a rough night on Thursday. R caught up with an old friend from many years ago and had a few too many drinks.

He ended up sharing quite a few things with me, about his life and his past and things are starting to make a bit more sense.
He cried a lot about the kids.

On Friday we were feeling worse for wear, R didn't get out of bed and we ended up missing work (not smart, but oh well) we spent half of Friday/Friday night just on the couch watching tv and just talking it was nice.


Haven't had a great run with W, she was texting me and I guess trying to indicate that R has been significantly more stressed out and upset in the last 4-6 weeks. Well that was how long ago I moved here.

Unfortunately it falls between a very bad time, of his first daughters birthday, and christmas time. It was also around this time 2 years ago his ex left, screwed him over and he basically hasn't seen his kids since.
I think his sadness has a lot more to do with that, than it does the day to day workings of our relationship.

Either way, I didn't overeact or get angry at her reply.. I simply stated the fact.

Predictably she said that "polgamy" was just his version of having his cake and eating it too, and that its bullshit and that he does belive in monogamy (He really really doesn't we've had this conversation several times, including last night).

I can't get through to her and I have no intention to keep trying.


I don't think she understands how selfish or controlling she is, mainly because she came from a relationship where the man was selfish and controlling.. much like she didn't reconise the signs in his behaviour. She wont reconise the signs in her own behaviour. Her deal and not mine. R doesn't realise how bossy and controlling she is either, but I am almost sure that a lot of the time he enjoys being told what to do, and where to do it and how long to do it for.
Its the one aspect of his life that is controlled and consistent, I can't blame him for wanting that. But I can point it out and make fun of him for it ;)


Unfortunately me kicking up a stink earlier in the week about scheduling has yet to pay off. W had already planned a weekend trip to see her friend (who hates R) and they wont be back until tomorrow afternoon. Spending my 4th Saturday night in a row... alone and in a place I dont know isn't that appealing but I don't really have much of a choice.


Next Saturday R has to work with his friend for a few hours, and then we are going to do something on Saturday night. Sunday the 4th is the anniversary of my mums death. I want to do something to honor her memory but I can't visit her grave because its 10 hours away. Then W will pick R up IN THE AFTERNOON. I can't stress this enough if she turns up before 4PM, that shit is going to be on like donkey kong. I will make this VERY VERY VERY clear to R during the week and if he does not tell W and respect my wishes, I will not be here when he gets back from China in 2 weeks.

2 weeks seems like such a long time, i've gone months without speaking to him.. and 6 weeks without seeing him since all this began.
So it shouldn't be too bad I guess.


Right now I am contemplating what to do tonight, having a few drinks and eating cheese and olives seems like an option.. but not the very best one.
 
So it finally happened

We finally had it out. Sort of.

R & W where away over the weekend. As far as I was aware they were coming HOME on Sunday night. And going to both stay.

So in the early afternoon I started thinking of what to make for dinner.
R called and said they were going to stop at work so he could get some work done and clear off his desk. He indicated they would be home pretty late, but that they would still be home.

So I went and got some things for dinner. Then I called and asked if he would definitely be home for dinner.

Well that plans had changed again. R realised that he'd forgotten his keys so he couldn't go into work. They were coming home and then I finally dragged it out of him that they were going back to W's.

I wasn't happy, I had a whole lot of stuff for dinner in the fridge.
I'd been alone now for 30+ Hours and I wasn't happy to continue to be alone again.

So they came home and I told R I was pissed. He said "talk to me" so I pointed out that he never listened. We eventually ended up on the couch talking and W said she was going to have a nap.
I shut the door to have a private conversation in my home, because ya know. After everything I think im entitled to that.

Well we talked a bit, but didn't get a whole lot of anything out on the table.

I expressed my concerns that my time with him hadn't been real quality time and that I just wasn't happy.

R eventually walked off and W said she was going to leave because "you could cut the tension with a knife"
Which was a slight exageration.

And then it all started, and I don't really remember what happened.
Because it all happened so fast, but R basically let us sit there and fight it out.
And I was told that W was the one making all the sacrifices, and giving up her time. And that she wasn't going to compromise with the whole bed sleeping arrangement.

And I expressed about how it wasn't at all comfortable with sleeping in a bed designed and build for R's kids and she said "who cares"

Well I know the story of those beds, and I know how much R hurts everyday because they don't get used by there intended purpose.

At the end of the conversation, R had walked away and I was staring into nothing-ness and trying to draw some emotion, but really I had none left at all. W was telling me that she "did want me here" and she "didn't want to have this conversation now but in 6 months once things have settled"

And I couldn't acknowledge what she was saying. Not just because I didn't want to, because despite what she was saying she was still hurtfull in her comments, she was still dismissive of my relationship with R which is now hanging on by a fucking thread because I wouldn't acknowledge how hard it was for her to say those things.

Even after all the back handers she'd just given me about how i've ruined her life and her relationship and all the sacrifices she's made.

After this, R left because he was pissed at my lack of acknowledgement. W left about 30 seconds after that. I ended up in bed crying.
I then spoke to R and he got extremely pissed at me for again not acknowledging W and what she was saying. And he kept saying "You couldn't even look at her you couldn't even look at her"

No I couldn't. No I didn't want too. No no no no no no no. Not everything is about her and her feelings, and her sacrifices.
I gave up everything to move her, I have given up my sanity putting up with this shit for the last 5 weeks. Don't talk to me about fucking sacrifices.
W chooses to stay in a situation she doesn't accept, and then when things don't go her way she is un willing to compromise..

I talked to R again later that night once things had calmed down.

He promised me he'd be into work early.
He asked me if I wanted to go to lunch.
Well guess what, work started an hour and a half ago and he is STILL not here. His phone is off. I am having to cover for, and lie for him again.

Its not my fault that he drank himself into oblivion after what happened last night. Its not my fault he chose to persue a realtionship with me. Its not my fault that he accepts W's conditions.

Honestly he told her that he would be interested and could see himself pursuing a monogamus single relationship.. and that if the time comes. HE WONT REPLACE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
REALLY?
REALLY R? is that how your going to play it.

BULL SHIT.

W is NOT an acception to your issues with being faithful.
You have slept with 10+ women despite the fact that as far as W was concerned you were in a god damn monogamous relationship!!!
REALLY? REALLY?
She says that your the love of her life but when I asked you, you couldn't tell me the same..

I don't get this. I don't get any of this.

I have two people who are clearly struggling.
Clearly off their fucking rocker.
And they are "begging me to stay"

And asking me to commit to atleast giving this 6 months.


To top this whole situation off, I had a bit too drink last night.
After they left I went outside for a cigarette and I locked myself out.
I had to break through the mesh of a window, Climb 2 metres off the ground and through the fucking window.
I hurt my leg and scratched my arms to peices.

So far, NOTHING good has come from me moving here.
Not a damn thing.
Thats massively hard to understand and accept.
 
I don't feel at all loved or wanted.

I feel like when R left last night and was angry at me for not acknowledging W's feelings and what she was saying.. that he chose her.

He chose to leave me in the state I was in.. hurt.. confused... angry.. drunk..

But then he begs me to stay?
He begs me to stay?

I don't understand.

I feel so numb, He asks me if I love him and when I hesitate he gets upset.

Maybe he just wants to be loved, wants to be needed.
Maybe this isn't about being monogamous or poly, its about being wanted and needed above all else. Its not about the sex, or the connection or the emotion.
Its about his inability to be alone. His inability to accept responsibility.
He just wants to be wanted.
 
It really, really sucks to have your image of who someone is -- or at least who you thought they could be -- proven false. I'm sorry. Sometimes you can care for someone very much but realize they're not in a healthy enough place for you to be in a relationship with them. Take care of yourself right now, you will be ok.
 
So today was a better day I guess.

R came to work and had a full/productive day. He is still there at the moment.
I know he goes to China for 2 weeks next monday so I do know that he is busy and not avoiding spending time with me.

He wants to come to an information evening at a school I want to go to tomorrow night so that is a good thing.

He and W want to sit down and talk some more about things before he goes away. I don't know how open I am about this. I know that I am at a point where I will not compromise on NYE or the holidays after then.
This time is important to me, and to the success of our relationship.

Going on holidays is not a luxury afforded to me, and they have taken LONG holidays together before, and they will again this year. For me this isn't really an option.

Its hard in my head counting down the hours I will get to see him until the new year, because I literally can count them. And there are not alot. I think its 5 days so that says a lot I guess.

With how the weekend situation has been going we were meant to be spending Saturday together but that hasn't worked out.
R has a family christmas gathering on Saturday. R invited me and said that we could go together (as Saturday was our day) and then W would join us there if she was free and then leave separtely.

Yeah that would NEVER happen. W wouldn't accept that in a million years.
I don't really feel like I want to go at this point because of everything being up in the air. I met some of his extended family a few weeks ago, and I have met his parents briefly. The look on their faces when they realised I wasn't W was kinda priceless. I guess I should make a T-shirt that says "I'm not W"
if I was going to go.

In all seriousness, R is not that close with his extended family so going to the party I think would only exagerate the stress and issues we are all having at the moment.

So the plan is that R and I will do something in the morning. Then he and W will go to the party for a few hours, and then R and I will spend the night together also doing something nice.

Sunday I expressed that I NEEDED to spend most of the day with him as it was going to be a tough day for me. I think in a way he has accepted that and will try and spin it to W. Personally I don't think he'll pull it off like he plans. She will turn up early. I will get upset.

I know a lot of my thoughts come off as negative, but I just haven't had the best experience. A lot of the time he just gets TOLD what he will be doing, and when he will be doing it. He chooses to accept that, and well. I don't.
 
I feel like I can relate. Just a little.

T is our male.
I am bisexual.
B is our other female.

T and B live in the same town and can see each other often. I live 30 miles away. It's not too far at all, but we're all going break even, I just got an apartment with most of my savings and my car just broke down. T has bills he needs to pay and he has spent close to $500 on us for Christmas. B has no job. I barely see them. :(
T is not good in relationships. T and B have been together on and off 4 years. They've cheated on each other. But he did it many times and said he was going to leave B for a few of these other girls because he loved them.

Well I became one of those other girls. I feel T might just be saying the same things as he has before and I'll be left alone in the end.

This week T has stayed with B two nights out of the week. I saw her one night. I had no time with him except for two hours total this entire week. I told B last night I wanted to have T stay with me alone tonight... I think it's only fair... nope. :(
So T isn't staying. And I can't have him stay alone Sunday night either because she'd throw a fit. It has to be them both.
Thursday she played a mind game where she told him I was sleeping, I was, but he was supposed to come see me. He didn't because she said it'd be a waste. So instead he goes and hangs with her....???

He says he loves me and she says I'm different from the others... but I have my doubts.

I think I understand.
Especially since T seems so sweet and well intentioned....
 
I brought it up to B she was being unreasonable and unfair.
She threatened to leave...

I was pissed.

She left him alone in the first place to move out of anger. He found me. he loves me too! I'm involved too!
He wants me and wants me and her to want each other.
She wants him and wants me, but doesn't want him to want me.
I want them both :(

Except everything was fine until she came back. T and I had a few good months alone. Then she came back and stresses and pushes and wins. I'm nice because I don't want to lose them.
I sacrifice. I'm sorry I came into the picture too and kinda stole him a bit... but she shouldn't have left.
She and I want us to work because we fear him being with only one of us and cheating. With us both we're so different we keep him occupied. I hope.
and I grew to fucking love her.
I should have pushed for a mono relationship but I just wanted his happiness. When he's happy I am.
 
blitzbaby3, I can totally relate.

sometimes I just think it would be easier to give up and stop fighting.
My guy just left and I wont see him again for another 2 weeks. Where as W gets to spend time alone with him tonight, and then see him off at the airport tomorrow.
I do feel like she always "wins" in these situations... and that R sometimes doesn't advocate enough for our relationship.

If you want to fight for me, don't just say you will.
You need to actually do it.

You know what I mean?

Right now I am feeling okay. I know I will have contact when hes away, and i've insisted I will pick up him from the airport when he comes HOME to our place. Because we live together.
 
So yesterday was our second attempt at a family gathering.

When R and I arrived. W was just behind us. She hadn't met alot of this part of his family, so when we arrived I guess people assumed I was his sole partner and they set up 2 chairs. I didn't have time to even sit down because W arrived and I was paranoid about her turning up and getting upset.

We had a nice day, and it was the second time i'd met a few really nice people.
They were all lovely. One of r's Aunts refered to both of us as R's Friends.
That was nice, not to be classified alone.

R's dad completely knows whats going on. W had a break down for a minute because we were close to where she used to live with her husband.
I think it was more about the fact that she had to "share" the day with me and that we were going home together. R's dad saw that she was upset straight away (as did i) and was like "is W okay"

I was much more relaxed and got along well with everyone making jokes.


R's mum is completely cold on me. R's dad gave me a kiss goodbye but she didn't really want to come near me.

Part of me can't really blame her, I am some random girl who's moved from melbourne and lives with her Son who already has a partner who had been introduced to the family?

I guess in her not knowing we are poly.She either assumes that I sleep with him despite him being in a relationship and that I am some kind of whore.

I am not. I was here long before she was.
In fact i will say what I said to W last week.

"He loved me long before you exsisted in this situation"

And its true.

He's gone now, for 2 weeks and we'll see what happens.
 
I do understand. I gave up my alone time with him Saturday night. Then I had time together with us all last night. It ended badly. He had pictures from another girl on his phone. B snoops because he's cheated and she can't trust him. We were upset. So we confronted him. It went horribly. He lied promising he hasn't done anything. He promised multiple times. We told him we knew. He finally admitted. He was pissed B had gone through his phone. It's ridiculous. She wanted him to just say why he did it, why he hurt us. He said it wasn't a big deal, sexting. Whatever. So we tried. She sat back, having done most of the talking. I talked. I tried, he opened up a little. I directed everything to him, she felt left out. But that's what she had done to me... So he was trying with me.
So she got butt sore and left. So he was tried and had work early. I was pissed she left, especially when it was going better and was going to be okay. I didn't follow her which is what she wanted. I was the only one responding to her texts so she got pissed more at him. T and I had sex. It was wrong in retrospect but it just sorta happened. She came back and went ballistic. She cut herself. I tried to cover her arms with a towel. T just got ready to leave. I tried to let her know I was sorry and wrong. She ignored me, I didn't matter. She talked to him. She yelled she hated us and slapped him. He was through because of it. He walked away. She followed demanding he say something. He did owe her that. They got into my apartment hallway. They started shoving each other. He broke her glasses and pushed her down some stairs, 5 but still stairs. I didn't know what was happening, cleaning up blood from everything. I decided I needed to check, fearing neighbors calling police. Then I got to a point where I couldn't see them and I heard struggled breathing. I thought maybe they were making out. Like angry sex. I walked away. Then I heard doors slam. I went outside to see. She was following him as he was at his car getting in. She stood behind his car. he just drove forward. I tried to get her to come inside, walking barefoot in snow. I went back up, she followed. I cleaned her cuts as she cursed my existence. I gave her space, not leaving her side. He had left both of us. He hated me for letting her hit him. He lied. He does this. It's only a matter of time before he sexually really cheats.

She calmed down and has been by my side since. She still wants me. I wish she didn't. I wish she hated me like him. I wish she had hit me. I wish we all hated the others. She is reliant on others. He left her. I'm here to care for her alone. I'm not sure if I can do it, especially since I thought she was too much and pissed at her most of the time. His actions just disgusted me.
I'm done with him. I want to be strong for her. But not with her. I want to just put it all behind me. Both of them included.
I hope so much for you that this works, if that's what you want. It's your life. No one has any right to say whether you're doing it wrong or right, whether you should stay or not. It's all you. Do what you need to. I am.


P.s. before this all went down, I was supposed to have met his family for the holidays. She already knew them. She demanded I didn't alone with him... So I didn't get to meet them, causing me to be more pissed at her.
 
So R was in China for a few weeks. I spoke to him a bit online and a few times on the phone.

I admited to him that I had looked at his phone before.
He was upset. I told him I never would have if he hadn't cheated.

The trust that we lost is hard to repair.
Right now he is "resting" at W's place after having a test done.

I hate that I don't believe that he is there.
I hate that I don't trust him.
It really upsets me.
I've been trying to work through it, reading about how to build trust in relationships but I just don't know if we can get there.

I know that I love him, I mean really really love him.

But the thought of him lying to me again, it is forever in my mind.

He also wants to start swinging, which I am NOT against.. not at all.
But currently he's my first, and only guy. I don't know if i'm ready to let go of that for just sex. Maybe if there was a chance at something more. I spose it could lead to a friendship.
We have a profile on a site, and some couples interested.
I bailed a few times when he tried to organise things, but I basically told him I was done until the new year. I didn't want to introduce ANYONE into our relationship while it was on such shakey ground.

Well he set up yet another meet with this couple and last night told me to confirm. I was going to.. But I don't want to..
I don't want to go. I just don't.

I sent him a text message.. I know not ideal..
Just telling him NO im not interested and you keep bugging me about it and making me feel bad.

I am not W.. she did all the research and work on it.
I was interested in doing this.. When our relationship was strong.
I am really really upset. I am at working trying not to cry.
I just need him to get it. Not just say "I get it" but actually "get it"
 
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